“Oh, you’re Stella’s baby’s father?” the woman questions me as she scans the entire length of my body. The appreciative glance she sends me causes me to feel like I’m on the menu. Not happening… no way, no how; I’ve got enough woman issues at the moment, don’t need to add one complication on top of another.
I may be an asshole, but I’m not a fucking fool either.
“Where is my son?” I ask her, crossing my arms over my chest and giving her the most intimidating look I can muster.
“He’s still in the hospital. He broke his little arm in the wreck and has a bump on his head. They wanted to keep him overnight for observation. Plus, he’ll go into state custody if someone doesn’t step up as family. Stella’s not gonna be leaving there anytime soon. I feel so bad for her, with Matthew dying and all.” Why is it I don’t feel sympathy coming off this bitch? It’s a smug look and sound. I mark her down as someone not to be trusted.
“Room?” I hold out my hand, not wanting to have any further discussion with this troll-assed cunt. Gunner gives me a smirk, but Cam shoots me deathrays.
“Excuse Mr. Manners here, Roxy. We’ve been on the road all day and he’s a bit cranky. Not to mention, his child and ex are in the hospital. It’s stressful, surely you understand?” Why is Cam appeasing this venomous bitch? Surely she can see the meanness radiating from her. The room is filled with malicious intent, and it’s all coming from her and her attitude.
“Roxy is it?” I ask, bringing her focus back on me. “Listen, I really need to get settled and talk to my family before we grab a bite to eat and settle in for the night. What do you need from me to get the ball rolling?” I’m in no mood to play Mr. Nice Guy… she can suck a fat dick as far as I’m concerned. She could probably use a good fucking by the tart look she’s sporting.
“The rooms are on the house per boss’s orders.” She sends me a scathing look before grabbing keys from behind the desk. “You’ll be in connecting rooms. Right next to Stella’s, she has the same room,” she says pointedly to Cameron.
“Thanks, Roxy,” Cam says, as I reach out my hand and yank the keys from her hand. I don’t want her touching me, she’s rotten to the core, I’ve been around plenty of women like her and can spot her kind a mile away.
Cameron
As soon as we start ascending the stairs, I glare at Kruger. “That was quite rude, ya know?”
“Not here to win any awards, Cameron. Plus, did you see the look she was sending our way? It made me uneasy.” Roxy’s always been a conniving bitch who can’t stand Stella. But I’m too emotionally and mentally drained to have noticed any frigidness leaving her. She’s always been comparable to an ice box. The only time she was nice to either Stella or me was when she needed one of us to cover her shift for her.
Probably so she could go out on the town and ruin another marriage. She only goes after one type of man… one that’s taken. Good thing Gunner and I are solid, or I’d have to keep my eye out for her. I’ll never admit to Kruger that he’s right about her, I’m so mad at him for pushing Stella away that I have to leave a room if he enters. I don’t want to hurt his and Gunner’s relationship. They’re close, and not only because Kruger is Gunner’s VP, but because they’ve known each other all of Gunner’s life.
I refuse to be that woman.
As soon as we make it into our part of the room, I grab Mane and head into the bathroom. She was such a good little traveler, but I need to wash the road grime off of the both of us. Then, I’ll get her fed and settled down for the night. Visiting hours begin early, and I plan on being there as soon as they open those doors. I’m still processing the fact that Stella had a kid and didn’t mention it to me all those times we talked on the phone. It hurts my heart that she didn’t trust me. I know she’s shattered Kruger’s trust, I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice.
“Oh, Stella. What have you done?”
Kruger
As soon as I drop my bag on the bed, I head over to the adjoining door that Gunner’s in and knock. He swings it open and I see him gnawing on a piece of pizza. “Where’d you get that?” I ask as my stomach begins to rumble from hunger. We only survived on gas station snacks the entire way here. Every time we’d stop to fuel up, we’d grab something to get us by, none of us wanting to stop somewhere long enough to grab a bite to eat. There were a lot of tempting diners on our path here, but I was full of nerves, needing to be in the same town as my boy… Jaggar. At least she gave him a badass name. Need to find out if he has my last name or not, if he doesn’t, I’ll be rectifying that shortly.
A boy needs his father’s name.
“The owner, old man Smithers, left a couple of boxes with a note. He wanted to make sure we had something to eat since this town basically closes down when the sun sets,” Gunner answers around a mouth full of food.
“Share the wealth, motherfucker,” I say, pushing him to the side.
“It’s on the dresser, help yourself.” As soon as the last word leaves his food-filled mouth, he burps. I shake my head at him as I open up the first box and grab a slice. “So, where’s your head at?” he asks as he swallows, picking up a cold can of beer. My eyes laser in on it, wondering why the fuck that wasn’t the first thing offered to me. “What? You want one?” I give him my ‘what the fuck do you think’ look before marching my way over to the fridge tucked into the corner of the room. It’s surrounded by what appears to be a small kitchen, but it’s more like a mini room all tucked away nice and neat like a postage stamp. You blink as you pass by it, and you’ll miss it all together. There’s a sink directly across from the fridge, and a few cabinets above and below. Pulling the can from the plastic strip, I pop the top and drink it down in one gulp. Then, I reach in and grab another one. I finally take a bite of my pizza and stare Gun down.
As soon as I swallow, I admit my feelings by saying, “My head is all over the fucking place, brother. One minute I wanna strangle Stella for keeping my kid from me, and the other, I wanna wrap my arms around her and ensure her well-being.” I’ve always been a sap when it comes to her, it’s why I pushed her away as fast as I did. Once I realized she wanted more than I could give her, I set her free to find another. But, it still doesn’t make it an easy pill to swallow.
“It’s an all-around fucked-up situation,” Gun says with a sigh. “Y’all are gonna have to come to some sort of resolution, for Jaggar’s sake if nothing else. You don’t have to make her your old lady to be a good father to your boy.”
“I know that, and it was, and never has been, fear of making her my old lady, Gun. It was about protecting her from the club and me. My past is ugly as fuck, and she deserves the whole white picket fenced, nine-yard of green grass bullshit that I’ll never be able to provide for her. You know all about my childhood and past relationship. You know that my trust in forever is fucking null and void. I don’t believe in happily ever after, not after all I’ve suffered.”
“Brother, she’s not Kadence, she’s not your mother, and you are not your father,” Gunner emphatically declares around another mouthful of pizza. Ma would smack him upside the damn head if she witnessed him talking around food the way he is.
“I know she’s not Kadence or my mother, but how can you be sure I won’t end up a fucking asshole like my father? It’s embedded in me. I carry the same blood through my veins that he did.” The stupid drunk fucker used me as his personal punching bag on a good day; on a bad one, I was covering for him while he visited one bitch after another. No wonder my own mother despised me, I helped her husband cheat on her and breed one bitch after another. I have siblings out there that I don’t acknowledge, can’t—because then, I’m reminded of what a fucker I really am. My fear of my dad led me down a path to where I don’t trust even myself on any given day.
“Bitches are bitches, son, we love them all and share the wealth,” he used to say to me. “You marry one, but never hold back from relieving yourself with others. Women want that show of love, so you give it to them, sprea
d that shit far and wide. Men aren’t meant to love and be tied down to only one bitch. As long as you make it home at the end of the day to the one you chose to share your name with, she should be grateful. Trust me, son, after you put that band around her finger, everything changes. She no longer wants to suck and worship your dick; all she cares about is the money you give her and what you can provide for her. Never fall down that rabbit hole, son. Women are scandalous creatures, never satisfied and always hungry for more. You breed your son, someone to carry on your name, keep the bitch close so she doesn’t run with your seed, but never deny yourself the happiness you’ll need. If you do, you’ll end up hating yourself and the bitch every day of your life.”
I used to wonder if that’s why I received the daily beatings that I did… was I such a terrible son that he needed to show me the error of his ways? I let myself believe in love once, but that was enough to show me that I wasn’t made for that life. Kadence, the fucking cunt, tried to pass a kid off as mine. I believed her, bought her a band, but the kid came early, and there was no mistaking that she wasn't mine. Her mocha-colored skin, black as night eyes, and curly black hair sent me running in the opposite direction. I’ve never seen or spoken to her since… the kicker of the thing is that I really did love that bitch. I would’ve even accepted the kid as my own, if she’d been one hundred percent honest with me instead of trying to pass her off as mine. But, the father showed up and signed that birth certificate, that fucker wasn't gonna give up his child, and I can’t blame him for that. I do however, and forever more, will blame Kadence. She ripped my heart from my chest and danced on it, making sure it died and would never allow another bitch to own it. How could they? It’s fractured and shattered into a million, unfixable pieces. Humpty Dumpty has a better chance of being put back together again than it does.
But my boy, Jaggar, he’s going to get the best parts of me that are left over from all the trauma and bullshit I lived. Stella, I don’t know what I have to offer her outside of friendship and co-parenting, but I’m gonna take care of her… to the best of my abilities. I’ll make sure she never financially struggles a day in her life, she and Jaggar will have everything they want and desire at the tips of their fingers. I refuse to do to her what my father did to my mother and what Kadence did to me.
Fuck that noise.
3
Kruger
I’ve tossed and turned all night long, worried about how the reception and reunion will go with Stella. I’ve spent the night talking myself down from the anger seeping from my core. She’s hurt, so I need to let her heal before we have a knock down drag out fight. And it’s coming. I have a lot to say and I’m sure she does as well. But one thing I can promise is that none of it will happen in front of Jaggar. That kid will never feel, nor experience, the tension and fighting from me and his mother. I will do everything in my power to make sure he has a carefree and loving childhood. Something I never received from my parents, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t get that.
Gunner and I didn’t make it far in our conversation last night. His wife and daughter came out of the bathroom and he tended to Mane while Cameron ate. He’s such a good, loving husband and father, a man I wish I could be. Something I should strive to be, but I fear that I’m too broken to ever give that unconditional love to anyone. Well, a woman anyways. My son, what’s left of me, is all his for the taking. Everything good left in me, it’s all for him; now and always.
Knowing that visiting hours will be beginning soon, I get my ass up out of the bed and head toward the shower. I take care of all of my morning business and quickly dress. My nerves are wild, my stomach is full of tension, the aspect of meeting Jaggar and holding him in my arms is anxiously strumming through my system. I can’t sit still from the anticipation. When I sit on the edge of the bed, my feet begin bouncing up and down, when I stand up and pace, my hands are shaking. “Stop it, Kruger, you don’t have a pussy, you have a dick… a big one, start acting like it,” I chide myself as I stop and stare at myself in the mirror.
“Kruger, five minutes,” I hear Gunner holler through the door.
It’s do or die time. “I’m ready, meet you downstairs,” I yell back.
I’m waiting in a room, no one was allowed to come in here with me, while my boy is being brought to me. I sent Gunner and Cameron on their way to see Stella. They need to get her mentally prepared to lay eyes on me. I need the softening of my boy before I see her again, that’s for damn sure. The lady, Susan, I think her name was, left a short time ago to get Jaggar. She says she’s his and Stella’s caseworker… whatever the fuck that means, because now, I suppose she’s mine too. So, this is a woman whose ass I need to kiss to smooth out the waters. I will do whatever it takes to leave this place with my boy in tow. I can’t allow him to spend another night away from those who love him and give a damn about him feeling safe and secure. He may not know me yet, but he’ll feel all of that and more once he’s placed in my arms.
“Sorry that took so long,” the Susan woman says as she enters the room, a baby in some sort of contraption hanging from one hand, a baby bag hanging from the opposite shoulder and a manilla envelope in her hand. My son has his eyes open and is scanning the room. He’s alert and much bigger than Mane is, even though I know for a fact he’s younger than she is. My boy’s gonna be a linebacker, he’s already showing signs of being built the same way as his old man. Susan sets the carrier down on the ground at my feet and my eyes never waver from his as she begins speaking. “Okay, Stella signed the paperwork earlier giving you permission to leave the grounds with him. The only stipulation she has that we had to add to the paperwork is that she gets to see him on a daily basis. If that is acceptable to you, you’re good to go.” She hands me the folder before sitting down next to me. “Everything in there is as we discussed, his birth certificate, temporary guardianship papers and everything else you’ll need for doctor's appointments, such as shot records. Stella provided you with a list of doctors he’s already seen and even wrote down his schedule for you. Seems our little guy here is on a strict one. He naps and eats at certain times. Do you have any questions for me?”
Lady, I have a bunch of questions, but I think I’ll let Stella answer them all. “Nope, all good here,” I say to her instead. I pull out the papers once she stands and leaves me and Jaggar all on our own. Seems his feeding time is in the next thirty minutes, and seeing as I’ve never fed a baby before, I head off to Stella’s room so she can show me how to do it the right way. Jaggar begins rooting in his carrier; he seems to be unhappy. Before he begins squalling, I quickly pace the halls until I find her room.
Stella
As soon as I woke the last time, and was more alert to my surroundings, all my memories surfaced. I remember the screeching of tires on the asphalt, my screams and my baby boy’s terrified cries. Matthew’s hand reaching out and grabbing mine, before everything went black. When I asked where Matthew was, and was informed that he didn’t make it, my heart broke. He may not have been the love of my life, but he was an amazing man who deserved to live a life filled with happiness and devotion. Something I was willing to provide him with. I shut down for a good hour, grieved him, then knew I had to pull my big girl panties up and be there for my son. I don’t think a day will go by that I won’t remember Matthew’s smile, loving words and the way he made me feel every time he looked at me. Like no one else in the world existed, outside of Jaggar and myself.
Not a day will go by that I won’t feel his loss. The emptiness that he filled. The love he had for me that no one else has ever made me feel to the depths of my soul. And now, Kruger knows about Jaggar, knows about the secret I kept from him. He will be taking our boy out of here with him, I just hope he abides by my wishes put into the paperwork and brings Jaggar to visit me every day.
Susan has brought Jaggar in to visit me as much as she can. Every single time she walks out the door with him in her arms, a piece of my heart fractures. He cries for me, and I cry for him. Not a singl
e day since he was born has he spent the night away from me until this tragedy occurred. My arms feel empty and my soul weeps. I’m left alone for hours at a time, where my mind does nothing but wander and memories take root. The way my heart yearns for Kruger and my soul screams out for Matthew.
“Knock, knock,” I hear a familiar voice call out as my door swings open. My body alights with happiness at seeing my best friend enter the room. Behind her is Gunner, the love of her life. In his arms is nestled a baby swaddled in pink. She’s so tiny compared to my boy even though he’s a few months younger than she is.
“Oh my God! She’s so small.” I happily tear up and say, “Let me see her.” Gunner smiles as he saunters his way to me… there are no other words to describe how he heads in my direction. Everything the men do in the MC is done with flair, no mediocre way about it.
“Stella, I’d like you to meet your niece, Mane,” Gunner proudly announces as he places the bundle of joy in my arms. My wrist is in a brace, but it’s secure enough that I don’t worry about being able to support her weight. Pulling the blanket down from her face, I admire how beautiful she actually is. She has the best of her parents' features, she’s gonna be a knockout when she gets older. Gunner’s gonna have to sit at the door with a shotgun in hand.
“Oh, Gunner, you’re in so much trouble,” I tell him.
“Don’t I fucking know it,” he mumbles under his breath. “I’m gonna have a bunch of little dicks lining the sidewalk. I need to hurry up and get Cameron pregnant with my son so he can help me protect his sister.”
“Ha,” I bark out in laughter at Cameron’s ‘what the fuck’ look.
“Can we get this one out of diapers first?” my best friend asks her old man.
Shattered Trust : DreamCatcher MC Page 3
