All of a sudden, he stands up shattering the tension in the air. ‘Mike?’
He presses his fingers to his temple. ‘Stephanie, I don’t quite know how to say this but I knew it had to be in person. I just didn’t expect you to be acting all’ – he waves his hand in my direction – ‘weird. Anyway, I have a girlfriend called Kate and she’s moving in with me.’
The air is claggy and thick. I almost choke on it. ‘I’m sorry, what?’
My head spins. How could he have a girlfriend without me knowing? The after-work drinks? The rescheduled pick-ups and the missed weekends with the kids all seem to add up now.
‘I didn’t want to tell you until I knew it was serious.’
‘What about the kids? Do they know?’
He shakes his head. ‘Of course not, but I’m going to have to tell them.’
I can’t speak, so instead, I nod. I can’t imagine what this will do to them.
‘Wait, you didn’t think I came here to—’
I hold my hand up to cut him off. I can’t hear him say it.
‘Oh, Stephanie. Really?’
I bury my face in the seat cushion of the chair and to my surprise, Mike crouches down beside me.
‘Stephanie? And you would have taken me back?’ The incredulity in his tone is like a bucket of eggs have been poured over me.
Tears press my eyes and I shake my head. ‘I don’t know.’
Mike places his hand on my back and rubs. It’s too much and the tears erupt. ‘Stephanie, I was a rubbish husband to you; why would you even want that?’
I shrug. ‘I suppose I thought if you realised you were wrong, you’d make more of an effort. You know that all I ever wanted was a family and I really would do anything to have us all back together again. You know what I went through as a kid.’
‘Oh, Stephanie. I know that but surely you want to be happy too? You can’t cling on to a bad marriage because of a childhood dream. You still have a family. You still have a friend.’ He gestures to himself.
I manage a watery smile and after a few moments, something else occurs to me. ‘If you wanted to be on your own, why did you get a girlfriend?’
‘Kate understands I need my space because she does too. She is off with her friends all the time and works full-time. Even when we move in together, we won’t be living in each other’s pockets. You’re a homebody and there’s nothing wrong with that. You deserve someone who wants the same things as you do.’
I glare at him. ‘I … I’m not a homebody. Someone had to raise the children. Food doesn’t cook itself and the house doesn’t stay tidy after the annual spring-clean. I did what I had to do for our family. I would have loved to have a career. I dreamed of after-work cocktails in Manchester but at the time, you were much further on in your career and making a lot more money than me so I made a sacrifice. For us.’
My shoulders are shaking with the force of my tears. I even make a gasping sound as I sob. I can’t tell if it’s the anger, rejection or humiliation that’s causing them.
‘I know. I’m sorry – I didn’t mean that. Come here.’ Mike pulls me into his arms and I let the tears flow. I don’t try to stop them because I need the outlet. I’ve been bottling up my emotions since the divorce and, in an effort to stay strong for the kids, I never actually mourned the loss of Mike.
‘You were an awful husband.’ I stifle a laugh and Mike does too.
‘And you were a wonderful wife. Most men would kill for someone like you.’
I sniff.
‘Seriously, I didn’t deserve you. You’re kind and you always put everyone else before yourself. The fact that you were about to take me back says it all.’
I bury my face in the crook of his arm, his familiar scent a comfort despite everything.
‘Maybe it’s time to put yourself first. Go out and meet someone.’
The thought makes me wince. ‘I don’t think I’d have a clue where to start. Maybe I was going to take you back because it’s a case of better the devil. I wouldn’t know how to go about meeting someone else and I’m not sure I even want to. I’m not unhappy as I am.’
‘Well, I’m going to do better. I’ll be a better dad and I’ll pick the kids up on time so you can focus on yourself. I realise now that I’ve taken you for granted and that needs to stop.’
I nod. ‘Yes, you have a bit.’
‘I suppose I never felt it was an issue before but whilst I’ve been out living my life, you’ve been wading through a muddy rut. I haven’t been fair to you.’
I don’t say anything. He’s said it all and I’m only just realising it now.
‘So, where does Kate fit into all of this? Does she know about the children?’
‘Yes. She hasn’t met them yet but I was hoping to introduce them at the weekend, over an ice cream or something.’
Bile rises in my throat. I’ve spent the day convincing myself that getting back together with Mike is a good idea and now I’ve got to get my head around the kids meeting Kate.
‘Are you sure things are serious enough to introduce her to the kids?’
He nods. ‘We’re moving in together, Steph, yes it’s serious. Plus, they’re going to see all her stuff around my apartment so I need to be honest with them. They’re resilient kids; they’ll cope and Kate’s great.’
The last few words are a punch to the gut. ‘I don’t know. It’s a lot to take in all at once. Why didn’t you just tell me about Kate when you started seeing her? At least then I could have come around to the idea of her moving in and being stepmum to my kids.’
‘She won’t be their stepmum and she isn’t trying to replace you. She wants a relationship with them as their dad’s girlfriend.’
I turn to sit down on my bum, resting my back against the chair. Mike follows me. The two of us must make quite a sight sitting on the floor, me no doubt panda-eyed and him covered in my soggy tears.
‘How did it all go so wrong?’ I say.
‘Did it go wrong or did it just go off track a little? We got three beautiful kids out of our marriage and we had some good times.’
I lean my head on his shoulder. ‘I suppose we did. I guess I just expected us to last the course. I thought we’d grow old together and take our grandkids to the park and all that sort of stuff.’
‘There’s nothing to say that won’t happen, just in a slightly different way. I know I’ve been a bit of a tosser. I panicked about money and the way I spoke to you about getting a job was all wrong. I’m sorry.’
‘You were a tosser but I’m glad you pushed me. I love my job.’ I take a tissue from my pocket and blow my nose.
‘Good. Maybe we’ll muddle through this and things will be all right. I love those kids, Steph. They’re brilliant little cretins and I’ll always love you. I guess I see you more like a sister.’
I smile. ‘That should horrify me, but do you know what? It makes me happy. I love you, Mike, but I don’t want to live with you ever again.’ We both start laughing.
‘Shall we start this divorce thing over?’
I look at him. Black, soggy mascara splodges mark his shirt. ‘Things are going to be weird with another person involved.’
‘Listen, you’re the mother of my kids. If you’re not comfortable with anything, let me know.’ He reaches for my hand. ‘If you want to meet Kate, you can. If you never want to see her that’s fine too.’
‘I suppose I’ll have to think about it. It’s all a lot to process.’ I can’t picture him with anyone else. I’m not hurt, it just feels weird.
‘How about the weekend? Is it okay for her to meet the kids?’
I pause. This weekend feels too soon but I suppose there will never be a time that feels right. ‘If you really think there’s some mileage in the relationship then yes, I suppose it’s best to get it out of the way.’
‘If you want to come too, you can do.’
I glance at my slippers. ‘No, thanks. I think it’s best to let the kids adjust first.’
I nee
d some time to get used to the idea. I am, after all, second best.
‘Well, if you change your mind …’
‘Yes. I know.’
Chapter 23
‘Is everything all right, Steph?’
The words startle me. I’ve been staring at my cup of coffee for so long it’s now the temperature of the North Sea. Edward is hovering over the desk wearing a concerned look.
‘I’m fine,’ I say.
‘Are you sure because I just offered you a Jaffa Cake and you didn’t even look up? It’s not like you.’
I force a smile. ‘Sorry, I’ve a few things on my mind. Nothing that will affect my work though – just my waistline, in a good way, I suppose if I keep passing up Jaffa Cake offers.’
Edward doesn’t smile at my joke; he’s still frowning. ‘I’m heading to the bakery at lunch, fancy a walk?’
Oh brilliant. A pity scone – but I’ll take it.
‘Okay.’
***
‘You do know I don’t get a lunch break, don’t you?’ I say as Edward and I walk the short distance to Mother Hopton’s bakery in the village.
‘What?’ He feigns shock. ‘Then you should report your boss immediately.’
I laugh. ‘He’s terrible in many ways but given I only work four hours a day, not giving me a lunch break isn’t one of them.’ I bite down on my tongue. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. That was far too familiar.
We walk in silence for a moment and then he asks: ‘So what is it that has you turning down Jaffa Cakes?’
‘Oh, nothing really.’ I hug my arms to my body to try and rid myself of the cramping in my stomach.
‘Are you sure? You haven’t been yourself since that text message you got yesterday. I’m a good listener if you want to talk?’
I take a breath. ‘My ex has met someone else and we’re telling the kids about it at the weekend. I’m worried about how they’re going to take it.’
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I didn’t realise it would be something that personal. If you don’t want to talk about it, just say.’
‘No, it’s fine. It is what it is I suppose. This was bound to happen. I suppose I just didn’t expect it to be yet. Mike always said he wanted to be alone, so I didn’t think he’d meet someone less than a year after our divorce was finalised.’
‘Divorce is never easy,’ he says, in a way that makes me think he empathises rather than sympathises.
‘Have you ever been married?’
He stops walking and rubs his chin. His expression turns more thoughtful and I’m not sure if I’ve upset him.
‘Sorry, if it’s personal, you don’t have to say.’
‘No, it’s okay. We’re on the subject. Yes, I was for a time. Only three years. She was a bit younger than me and we wanted different things.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Enough time has passed now that I’m over it. Besides, I’m so busy with the practice, she could still be there, living at my house and I wouldn’t know. Perhaps I should have a good look around later, just in case.’
I smile and we carry on without a word until we reach the bakery.
‘The Belgian buns here are to die for.’ He holds the door open for me, all traces of fleeting emotion gone.
‘I don’t need to take your word for it, they look it,’ I say, clapping eyes on the giant iced treats. ‘Fancy sharing one? They’re too big for me.’
‘Good idea – I’ve had far too many Jaffa Cakes. I might as well move in with Mrs Pearson and let her overfeed me into an early grave.’
I stifle a laugh. ‘Don’t let her hear you say that! She’d probably take you up on it.’
‘Why? Is she here?’ He glances around dramatically. I can’t work Edward out; he’s verging on the edge of eccentric. Had he been born thirty years earlier, he’d make more sense than a final jigsaw piece. One thing I do know is that he uses humour as a defence mechanism.
We order two sausage rolls, two teas and a giant Belgian bun to share and make our way back towards the practice. It’s a pleasant day so when we arrive, Edward suggests we sit on the little wall outside.
‘We’re making a habit of these impromptu alfresco dining experiences,’ he says whilst unwrapping a sausage roll. I’m desperate to ask him what he was going to say the other day when I was making coffee but I don’t want to ask. The moment has passed now and it doesn’t feel right.
Instead, I say, ‘At least today you don’t have to decipher the din of three kids who don’t belong to you whilst having soggy crisps thrust at you.’
‘Yes.’ He smiles. ‘Well, Ava is a bit stingy with her crisps, but otherwise, it made a refreshing change. I’m more used to TV meals for one or stuffy gala dinners.’ I get a pang when I remember what he said about feeling part of family life again.
‘You must go out with friends for dinner?’
His mouth is full so he makes a ‘sort of’ gesture with his hand before taking a sip of tea. ‘Ouch. That’s bloody hot.’ He sloshes some tea on his shirt and rubs it frantically with his napkin.
‘I’m not surprised – tea in a polystyrene cup is always served at four thousand degrees. It’s common knowledge.’
‘You’re absolutely right,’ he says. ‘Anyway, back to the question, I don’t really have that many friends. I had loads at uni but we’re spread across the country now and hardly find time to get together. Being a vet is unforgiving. If you own your own practice you might as well walk around with it dangling from your neck like an albatross.’
‘I see how hard you work and often wonder if you ever take time off.’
‘Not really. I mean, I could if I had reason to, but I’d feel guilty. I’m the only vet locally and many of the older customers rely on me – same with the farms. I hate letting people down.’
Is swooning a thing? Because I think I just did it. Either that or there’s a tiny nightclub of minuscule teenagers dancing to ‘Jump Around’ in my tummy. Get a grip, woman!
‘When I was married, I was working for my dad and stuck to business hours with one night a week on call. The way he ran things was very old-fashioned. He knew everyone and their pets by name and I suppose, when I took over his legacy, I wanted to preserve it. I did always intend to take on another vet to free myself up, but I didn’t ever have a reason.’
He looks down into his tea.
‘But the option is there, for the future,’ I say, trying to pick out the positive. ‘And at least your flaw of being a workaholic makes you some money. Mine just make me wish for a plastic surgeon and a blank cheque.’
‘Hey, I hope that’s not true. You’re perfect.’ A soon as he says it, those red blotches appear on his face again. ‘I mean, anyone could see that. Nobody needs plastic surgery.’
The fleeting lift in my chest sinks with the grace of a bowling ball when he adds the last bit. I’m so confused. I’m too old to wonder whether someone likes me or not. The whole idea of that high school nonsense is quite frankly icky but he’s sending all these mixed signals. I keep having to remind myself he has a girlfriend and he’s my boss so clearly there is something between us. Something quite undefined.
‘So …’ He breaks my thoughts. ‘Have you got a plan for introducing the new girlfriend?’
I pick a piece of pastry off the sausage roll and shake my head. ‘Mike is going to do it. I think he’s going to take them all for ice cream or something – knowing my lot, they won’t notice the new mum once he’s distracted them with treats.’
Edward visibly winces.
‘Gosh, that sounded much more bitter than I intended it to. It’s just all very sudden and to be honest, I thought he’d take longer to realise a fairy didn’t wash his socks and cook his meals.’
‘Did you think he might come back to you?’ The question pierces a raw part of me that’s been buried somewhere deep. ‘I’m sorry, I was just trying to ask meaningful questions. I didn’t mean to stick my nose in. I’ve upset you.’
I sip my tea. It�
��s still scorching hot but it’s a different type of pain; more welcome than reliving the embarrassment of last night. ‘Don’t apologise. Maybe a subconscious part of me did. I can’t say whether thinking he might have come back to us was a deep hope or desire; an expectation perhaps. When I use my head and think about it logically, no, I knew it was a permanent separation. I think … I maybe …’ Edward covers my hand with his. He’s sitting so close to me I can feel the heat radiating from his body. He’s rolled back his shirtsleeves, revealing a light tanned forearm. My hand looks tiny beneath his.
‘Only tell me this if you want to, not because I asked.’
I want to but Edward is my boss. This is weird. My whole body thinks so. I can tell by the way my inner organs have coiled up and my mouth feels like it’s full of cotton wool. Every part of me knows I should shut up and keep the professional boundaries but there’s a stronger part of me that wants to open up to him. The same part of me that’s somersaulting with the gleeful feel of his hand on mine. The truth is, all my friends ditched me because having to pick a side was too much bother. Janey would just say something unhelpful like ‘fuck him’ and I don’t really have anyone else to talk to.
‘He came over last night. The message he sent said he wanted to talk and could he come over once the kids were in bed, and somehow, with the help of my friend, I came to the conclusion he was going to suggest we give things another go. It’s utterly ridiculous when I play it all back over in my mind but that’s the peak I’d reached by eight o’clock last night. I’d made a bit of an effort with …’ I wave a dismissive hand. ‘Make-up and I’d poured wine. I basically embarrassed myself royally.’
‘I’m sure you didn’t. If I were Mike, I’d have been flattered.’
‘Well, you’re very kind. And actually, it all worked out in the end. We sort of made peace with one another. We’ve been on reasonable terms since the split but there’s been sniping and to and froing with the kids. I think we’ve reached a point where we could actually be friends. Maybe even have family days out with me, Kate and Mike. I’m not jealous of her by the way – Kate.’
The Single Mums' Book Club Page 11
