by K A Sands
Because I fucking wasn’t, far from it. The only horrors I’d ever seen in my life was the beat down my best friend got at high school. Then said best friend drilling my wife from behind something fierce on my living room floor. Mild really in comparison.
Death had never touched me. Although I’d screamed blue murder a time or two, I didn’t run in those circles, acquaint myself with those types of people. I couldn’t afford to. But Chrissie did. And she’d crawled under my skin.
I loved to simply watch her. The woman was beautiful in an untouchable kind of way. She also looked a lot like my ex-wife, Kayleigh. With that pin straight dark hair and creamy skin, those eyes that could bring any man to their knees - had done me a time or two - I wasn’t touching the resemblance with a barge pole. Even I recognised it was fucked up.
Yet now, the false bravado I’d thrown down my throat and staggered in on, flew by the wayside, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at the woman I was losing my mind to. I didn’t want to be in that place. Wanted her to be nothing to me, just a really good shag on a lonely night, an excuse to get off. So, I struck out, angry with myself.
“This chick I’m banging,” I slapped my hand down on the bar. “Served me up a good fucking over lately. So yeah, Chrissie, I’m pissed. But there’s room for more. Do what you do best and serve me a goddamned drink.”
My anger intensified. At her, at me. At everyone and everything and suddenly I ached to put my fist into someone’s face. I wasn’t a violent man, never had been, but I reckoned this was me at the end of my tether. Staring down a woman who didn’t give a fuck about anything as long as my dick had been showing her a good time.
Shallow.
“No.” She was doing me a favour, whether I liked it or not. “You need to go home and sleep it off.”
Staring at her, I narrowed my eyes. “What I need, Chrissie, is for you to sit on my dick, darling.”
Fuck. I sounded like an arsehole. I was an arsehole. Where my abhorrent hostility was coming from, I couldn’t tell. I’d only wanted to see with my own two eyes how she was. If she looked as tired as I felt after five days of unusually scattered sleep. To see if she’d tell me to fuck off or haul me close so I’d keep her secret. She’d done neither, and here I was treating her like shit on the pavement, when I should have been a comfort for her. Like she could have been for me.
Now? Now, we were past it. And I was regretting having come in at all.
“Yeah? Not fucking happening, babe.” Her head tipped toward the bouncer making his way over to where I was half slumped across the bar. Time to get on home. “I’m gonna call you a cab.”
Her hand came out and covered my fingers splayed across the bar. The touch of her hot skin against my cold hand was grounding and I closed my eyes for a split second, absorbing the heat.
“Good idea,” I mumbled, the fight in me leaving as quick as it had come. This had been the wrong move to make. I shouldn’t have come to her work half baked and acting like a twat, shouldn’t have spoken to her that way. It wasn’t me. I had a sensible head on my shoulders, yet Chrissie made me crazy.
Her smile was timid and unsure, and I hated seeing her vulnerable in front of me. Not once had I ever made her feel bad about herself in the years we’d known each other or the months we’d been screwing around. Yet there it was, painted on her face. Disappointment, with a great big heap of hurt.
Yeah, time to get on home, I couldn’t look at the woman a second longer.
She reminded me of something I’d once had, then lost. Something I wasn’t willing to gamble on again. Kayleigh had left her mark, she’d be the only cross I’d bear for life.
Chrissie
Going back to my flat was not an option. Staying at the Loft was not an option. Going to Beaufort was so far from an option it actually made me laugh, leaving me with no other choice than to find a new place to live. Like I didn’t already have enough on my plate.
“We can find another flat for you, Chrissie.”
“Who’s we?”
Being fiercely independent, I didn’t need help from anyone and particularly not from my brother when I still wasn’t entirely sure how I was feeling about our relationship. He wanted me to hand over control of certain parts of my life I was perfectly capable of managing myself. Like finding a new place to live. I wasn’t cool with that.
“I can help you, that’s all I’m saying.”
“You’ve helped enough.”
He stirred his coffee and looked out the window of the cafe as if lost in thought, then flicked his head back to me, placing his spoon on the napkin on the table.
“You get it now, right?” Puzzled, I must have looked at him funny, not understanding what he was meaning. “Why you’ve seen me around for years?”
Ah, yeah... I got it the minute my father had spilled the private secret to me in a room full of people. He’d known exactly who I was for a very long time, had come around and in hindsight, I’d realised relatively quickly he’d been watching over me, keeping an eye out. I cringed at the times I’d been cruel with my clipped words toward him. Family had been right under my nose all that time, yet nobody had felt it pertinent to let me in on the secret.
“You didn’t say anything,” I accused.
“No. It wasn’t mine to tell. Charlie had to be upfront with you. I’m just sorry he used it as a bargaining tool. Besides, you weren’t ready for that sordid little truth. We would have arrived there eventually, but you weren’t showing me anything that said you’d even be interested in friendships with anyone, let alone building a relationship with a long-lost brother, Chrissie. You’re cold as ice, girl.”
“It was you who used it as a bargaining chip,” I reminded, remembering the day well.
“True. I did. I don’t regret it.”
Who was to say if no one had come looking for retribution and Shorty, I’d not still be in the dark? “Where is he?”
“Where he can’t hurt you anymore.”
Details were not what I required, just a guarantee that Charlie’s debts wouldn’t come back to bite me. “I’m safe?”
Ryder shuffled in his seat, the move not instilling any confidence in me whatsoever. “I don’t know what the debt is, it’s too early to go sniffing around looking for answers. People will get suspicious if I do, it’s no secret I hated the man, even to those few that knew what we were to one another.”
It reminded me of the detective in the club and I filled Ryder in on the interesting night; the scant, creepy one-sided conversation we’d had.
“His brother, Tony, used to work for Lucca. For me. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to put out those feelers yet. Tony’s a little bent but his brother’s straight as an arrow.”
“Tony’s a drunk,” I scoffed. “He has almost permanent residency in the corner of my club.”
“Just another victim of Stella,” he shrugged unconcerned. “Back to the flat hunting. What do you say you let me give you a hand? I’ll come look at some places with you, huh?”
“Claire’s going to come. I have a few areas in mind, ones I can afford.” I held up my hand before the good Samaritan poured from his mouth with the offer of money. “I do it my way.”
“Right.” He laughed. “When are you coming down to Beaufort? To meet my little girl and Taylor? Emily’s your niece.”
I’d successfully dodged every invitation, not ready to be the sole focus, the newcomer. Ryder’s lost sister. Not wanting to be judged by new eyes for my previous actions. Sure, I’d cleaned up my act, but people had long memories and seeing Ayden almost everyday was about as much as I could bear for now. I couldn’t handle any more.
“Soon.”
“How about I arrange some dinner up here in Brighton? Just you, me and Taylor. Would that be a good place to start?”
“I don’t need to be inserted into your life, Ryder. I’m used to flying solo. I don’t fit in with a big, lovey dovey family.”
“Trust me, you fit.”
“Ayden can barely stand to be in t
he same room as me. How is that fitting in? I know he’s like a son to you.”
“And you are my sister,” he reminded. “He doesn’t hold grudges. He’s getting over himself, getting used to seeing you around.”
“I apologised that day.” And I had, I’d never meant any other words more sincerely in my life than I had when saying sorry to Ayden.
“I know, he heard you.”
And Shaun? I couldn’t even begin to untangle the unhealthy mess we’d once been to each other. There was so much history between us all, so much of it water under the bridge, much of it unspoken. I’d loved Gripp a long time, still did, melancholy often struck me at weird moments. Watching the way he was with Ayden, the way he never was with me, often hurt. That he hadn’t felt me worthy enough to cherish, to shower with affection, to love. No one ever had. I couldn’t miss what I’d never had, but I ached inside, coveting what he gave so freely to his lover, and what Ayden gave in return.
“Just you and me for now then.” Ryder pulled my wayward head back to the conversation we’d been having a minute before.
“Yeah.”
I wasn’t ready. Maybe never would be. Less people in my life meant less hurt in the future. I’d been dished enough. Ryder would just have to understand, whether he wanted to or not.
* * * * *
Snapping pictures as I trailed the Estate Agent through the house, I liked the place more and more with each room I entered. Ryder had sent the listing, the rental price top end of my budget but doable with the salary I paid myself from the club. Claire had come along, as planned, to help me feel the place out and she was loving it as much as I was.
For one, it was a house and not a flat in a block. I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do with three bedrooms, didn’t need the extra room for hobby’s because I had none, but the garden out back was one I could see myself relaxing about in on long summer days.
“This is probably one of Taylor’s lets,” Claire whispered as she pushed open the door of the third bedroom. The room was furnished with a simple queen bed and a chest of drawers, unlike the other two rooms that were empty of any furnishings except curtains and carpets.
“I figured as much. Ryder said he’d found the perfect place. I wasn’t expecting a house though.”
“You want a flat?”
“I like this house.” And I did. I’d only considered flats, but this two-storey was insanely appealing, besides the two empty bedrooms. It was tasteful too, the furnishings modern and not needing changed out. Everything looked brand new.
“I do, too.”
“It definitely belongs to Taylor.”
“Yeah. They have a few bought properties that they rent out, they’re letting agents as well as estate. It’s Taylor’s company, not your brother’s.”
“What do I do here, Claire? It feels a lot like charity, or control. I can’t decide which. I’m not altogether comfortable with it.”
She pulled me into the room and shut the door behind us, dragging me to the foot of the bed and nudging me down so I sat at the end. Sitting next to one another, I waited until Claire imparted whatever wisdom she surely had.
“I don’t think he’s trying to buy you, Chrissie.”
It didn’t appear to be his style, but it still felt awkward. “He keeps asking for me to meet Taylor.”
“What’s stopping you?”
Flicking away imaginary lint from my jeans, I sighed heavily, not sure about my answer now it seemed like I was digging my heels in over nothing. “I don’t know.”
“Not everyone is like your dad.”
I got that, I really did, it didn’t mean my guard wouldn’t still always be up around people. It was ingrained in me to protect myself. Deciding to be honest for a change, to put a voice to the very thing eating at me, the very thing I’d never uttered a single word about, I spoke freely to my friend.
“Charlie’s truths are going to be ugly. I don’t want anyone else involved. I can’t bring people into my life that way. Good people, with good intentions. I’m okay hurting myself, not others. I’ve done enough of that in the past.”
She reached over and wrapped her fingers around my hand. “Understood. But maybe they’re the kind of people that can help lighten the burden? Lord knows everyone in that family can stand on their own two feet and then some.”
A tear tracked down my cheek, my candid honesty a rarity, and for no other reason than I was grateful to have someone such as Claire in my life.
“Those women are fierce from what I hear. Laura and Taylor would not stand idly by and let anyone interfere with theirs. You’re Ryder’s sister - by extension, you’re theirs, regardless of your past, whether you believe it or not. It may have taken you a while, and under the worst of circumstances, but you’re here now. Embrace it, let the cards fall where they will. They won’t leave you out in the cold, I can guarantee you that. Let yourself belong, Chrissie, because fuck knows you deserve a little good in your life, don’t you think?” Did I? Did I honestly deserve what Ryder was so unselfishly and eagerly offering? “We all make mistakes. It’s how we learn and grow,” Claire continued. “I’ve made a shit ton of them myself. We move on, we don’t make them twice.”
I laughed and swiped at the wet under my eyelids. “When did you get so wise?”
“Just call me Yoda.” Squeezing my hand, she stood and pulled me up with her. “I think you need this house.”
“I think you’re right.”
Mind made up, we tracked down the Estate Agent in the bright kitchen and told her my decision. She’d hurried off to the back of the house returning several minutes later with a huge smile on her face.
“The proprietor is asking if you could wait here for her, she’ll be along with a rental agreement within the next half hour.”
Meeting Taylor had been taken out of my hands, and surprisingly I was okay with it. Perhaps a business arrangement was the best way to meet initially, rather than an awkward meet the sister date with Ryder as chaperone, clutching at strained conversation. And Claire was with me, a buffer if required. Meeting my brother’s wife had not been on my list of things to do today but I suddenly felt like it was the right time, it needed to be done exactly how it was panning out. Perhaps my friend was right, these people could be my backbone when I was weak, could lift me up when I fell to rock bottom.
There were days upon the horizon that I knew my own strength would not be enough to carry me through, and Ryder’s family were cautiously asking me to come into their fold.
Let the cards fall where they will.
For once, I listened to someone else and hoped I didn’t live to regret it. Life was too short to let the good things roll on by. Time to take the plunge.
Taylor was an absolute mama bear. Claire’s words, not mine, because I had no idea what a mama bear looked or acted like. My friend assured me it looked like Taylor.
On arrival, she was no nonsense, professional, with an air about her that backed up Claire’s image she’d given me earlier. She’d pulled rental agreements from a large green leather bag that had been slung over her shoulder when she’d come into the kitchen. Shuffling contracts over the kitchen table, Taylor explained about the rent. We butted heads over the deposit, her emphatically stating she didn’t require one, me insisting it was standard practice. Her argument won out, the woman was tenacious.
“I don’t expect you to treat my house any differently than you would your club.” She had me there, my club was spotless, well cared for. “I trust you.”
My stomach had swooped downwards, and I immediately dropped the deposit argument, stunned she would say such a thing about me; a woman she didn’t rightfully know. She must have caught on to my suddenly quiet demeanour for she ushered the Estate Agent from the house, closing the door firmly behind her.
When she came back into the kitchen, she pointed to the cottage style table and chairs and told Claire and me to sit. Taylor swatted Claire on the bottom as she passed her, giggling about ‘mama bear,’ th
eir antics putting me further at ease.
Taylor eventually sat down and levelled her gaze at me. “This must be sticking in your throat. Your brother’s wife, doing you a favour.”
Nail. On. Head.
“Thought so.” Her nod was slight, but perceptible. “Listen to me, and listen good, because I’m only going to say this once. I don’t do things to please my husband. He didn’t ask, I offered. This house would be the perfect place for you to start over, piece together whatever you think it is that’s missing from your life.”
“I like the house, and I’m grateful. I’m just not entirely comfortable about the details.” I admitted.
“I bought this house about a year ago. When Ryder and I walked inside for the very first time, I burst into tears. It had been neglected, didn’t feel like anyone had ever shown it an ounce of love in it’s sorry life. It took the boys - Ryder, Lucca, Shaun and Ayden - three months to rip it out and build it back up.” She waved around the room. “It’s been empty ever since, I’ve never found the right tenant, that one who belonged here. I’m not doing you any favours, Chrissie, regardless of what you think. You are the person for this house. This home is right for you.”
The air in the room turned thick with clogged emotions, my words stuck, my thoughts heavy. I didn’t know if the house was right for me like she said, but a new start it would be, one I desperately needed. It wasn’t a flat Charlie had initially rented for me. There were no lingering traces of my old life staining the rooms, no memories clinging to the walls.
“He’s watched over you a long time, always ready to step in should you have ever needed it. You didn’t, not until recently, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your brother is a righteous man who loves with his whole heart. And he does love you, never doubt it.”
I didn’t know what love looked like. My own skewed perceptiveness of how that muscle beat for another had always been wrapped up in Shaun, even I knew we hadn’t been healthy.
“You need someone to show you the things Charlie was never capable of.” Her nose wrinkled in obvious disgust at the mention of my father’s name. “Let him. Ryder is the best of men who is trying to do right by you, now that he can. It’s all I ask, please let him.”
