by K A Sands
I wasn’t that man any more, had no need to be.
It took over an hour to get to Chrissie’s house and I didn’t know if she was expecting us. I hadn’t called, wasn’t sure if anyone else had either so wasn’t entirely certain of the reception we’d receive. Ryder had mentioned earlier that Taylor was there, probably a good job. She’d be able to give Chrissie a hand with Kieran if she needed it, she could help better than I.
Parking a couple of doors down, I turned off the car and took a deep breath. “You okay, Kieran?” He’d been so quiet, drifting off to sleep for about twenty minutes initially, only to come awake and stare at the lights passing by the window. It wasn’t late but maybe late enough a boy of his age should be in bed, especially after the last few hours he’d had. He nodded his head, the thumb releasing from his mouth. “Chrissie will look after you until your dad gets home.”
“She’s not scary?”
“Nooo,” I laughed to put him at ease. “She’s not.” I patted my hand on his leg. “Ready?”
Wriggling in the seat, he gave out a little laugh, such a precious sound that struck me hard. I’d been thinking on it a while, wondered if kids were ever in the cards for me and Ayden. It was just another thing we’d never got around to talking about, besides the timing being wrong. College was kicking my arse, Boomer was coming home soon, and Sophie was so far from okay I had no room to entertain the idea of children. I wanted to marry Ayden first anyway. In the meantime, I’d just borrow everyone else’s kids and spoil them rotten. Kieran would be another to add to that list.
Getting out of the car, I went around to the passenger side and reached in to unstrap him from the seat, hauling him up into my chest. The kid had no shoes on, maybe needed a little comfort. He clung tighter the more I walked up the street toward the front door of Chrissie’s house.
Standing outside her door, I asked Kieran to look at me. “There’s nice people in this house, buddy. I promise you.”
“Okay,” he whispered before tucking his head down on my shoulder, his body giving a subtle shake. Fuck. Even if Chrissie freaked out, Taylor would know what to do.
I knocked hard on the door and waited for Chrissie to open up and go nuts. I was standing with Kieran; Warren was nowhere to be seen. Hopefully the little boy in my arms would be enough to keep her from freaking out too much.
Chrissie
Sophie hadn’t come with Taylor. As disenchanted as I was, I couldn’t really blame her. In fact, Taylor had appeared herself, hadn’t even brought Emily, so it was just the two of us in the house.
“It’ll be quicker getting this room sorted for Kieran without Emily under my feet.” She had a point, but I was still disappointed.
Her hug was intense when I’d opened the door to her, then she’d insisted on checking me over with exacting precision to make sure the cuts I had were healing adequately. After a quick cuppa, we went up to Kieran’s room and got on with the arduous task of painting, making quicker progress than Warren had previously. He’d used a paint brush; Taylor and I used the rollers.
Chat had been laidback, the heavy subjects skirted around, and I enjoyed how easy it was to just be with this woman. Her phone had gone off a few times in the couple of hours she’d been helping but she made no rush to extract the thing from her bag, only looking at it once and humming to herself. Mine had remained ominously quiet and it was beginning to worry me.
We finished the first coat of paint and decided on a coffee break to wait for it to dry enough to add a second coat. Taylor had kept good on her promise and brought pastries with her, with my stomach beginning to growl I needed something to eat along with the coffee.
Taylor ushered me to sit while she pottered about making the cuppa’s and hunting about for plates and utensils. When she finally sat down opposite me at the kitchen table, she gave me a smile.
“I knew this place was for you,” she beamed. There was no denying it. Even though my house had been broken into and I’d been snatched from it, there had never been a place I’d felt safer, more at home. “It’s a family home, Chrissie.”
“Yip. Just need the family.”
“You want kids?”
“Yes.” I didn’t hesitate to answer, there was no point trying to hide what I wanted. I’d once thought it wasn’t in my future but with Warren in my life, that little bud of hope blossomed brighter than it ever had. I couldn’t help thinking about it. It might be something I couldn’t have but a girl could always dream. Warren had changed the way I thought about life, and something told me kids would be a future we’d have together.
“Warren’s your one, isn’t he?”
“He is. I’m not sure when he became that person, but he definitely is.”
Her smile was small, almost sad. “I met your brother a very long time ago, you know.” I had no idea what anyone’s story was, where they’d been, how they’d met, apart from Shaun’s. I imagined their tales were all unique and worth hearing a time or two. “My sister almost died at the hands of her fiancé,” she told me, tears glistening in her eyes. “We left everything behind, ran and hid for years. Ryder was almost my biggest regret.”
“We do what we need to do, sometimes people get hurt.”
“Yeah, we do. It’s unfortunate. I loved your brother way back then. For eight years I told myself I’d never get that again. Didn’t even try.”
“Yet, here you are now,” I paused thinking about what I wanted to say. “I was so angry.” Tilting my head down, I thought back to that day with my father and Ryder, Scotty beat to a pulp in the corner. “Angry at him, at both of them. I felt like he used me as a bargaining tool against Charlie.”
“Perhaps he did, but with the best intentions.” She threw her head back and laughed. “I thought you were his piece on the side. When I found out he was going to a strip club and mentioned you by name this one time.” I could definitely see how that looked. “When he told me about you, and how he tried to make sure you were okay, he had so much sadness about him, Chrissie. I made him promise to one day bring you home. You belong with us.”
“I’m sorry,” I said with genuine regret.
“No. You have nothing to be sorry about. That’s on Charlie, none of this was your doing.” She took a sip from her mug and eyed me. “You can go through hell and come out on top. Both Laura and I are proof of that. Lucca even. You just have to want it enough.”
“I do,” I said weakly, lacking conviction, suddenly exhausted. A bone deep weariness I hadn’t managed to shake for years, one I wanted to put to bed once and for all.
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“Nothing is easy but remember you’re not alone in this anymore. Please trust in that if nothing else. It’s not the big Chrissie against the world all by herself forever. You have to let people in, really in, and your faith will be restored. I promise. You have it in you, sweetheart. Be you for a change.”
We were quiet for a while, me observing her words, Taylor searching for her phone in the bottom of her bag. It had chimed a minute or two before. She read whatever was on the screen when she finally fished it from her bag, her face impassive.
“Shaun’s on his way.” The hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I must have looked confused because she reached out and placed her hand over mine. “He has Kieran.”
“Why does he have... Oh, God. Where’s Warren, why isn’t he with him?”
I snatched my hand from under hers and stood abruptly sending the chair backwards and crashing to the kitchen floor. Kieran with Shaun only meant one thing; something had happened to Warren and I wasn’t ready to confront that reality when I’d only just found him.
“His arm is broken. Tony is taking him to the hospital, Shaun is bringing Kieran here.”
Bursting into tears, terror took its time vacating as Taylor’s words sank in. Kieran was coming, Warren was okay.
“How long?”
“About an hour.”
“Shit, shit. What do I do? I don’t know a
nything about kids, Taylor. I need Warren. Fuck, I need Warren.”
“Hey, hey.” Her hands clamped firmly on my shoulders, halting my pacing. “Warren’s coming.”
I blew out a terrified breath. “Will you help me?”
A wide smile crossed her face. “It’s scary but you’ve got this. What do you have in those bags of clothes I saw upstairs?”
“Um...” I thought about the outfits I’d bought, jeans and jumpers because the weather was still cool. “Wait, there are pyjamas in there.”
She checked her watch. “Well, it will be past that little boy’s bed time. Get him some supper then into bed. Easy enough, yeah?”
“His bed isn’t ready. Hell, I need to go change my sheets.” I blushed furiously.
“Calm down, Chrissie.” Far easier said than done. “Go do your bed,” she winked, “and get those pyjamas. I’ll see what I can rustle up for his supper.”
“Warren’s okay?” I asked, scarcely able to believe they were coming home.
“Ryder just said his arm was broken. I have to presume everything else is all right, he would say otherwise. Or call. Now, go.”
I bolted up the stairs to my bedroom - our bedroom - ripping off the covers and the sheets, throwing them into the corner of the room. Ten minutes of frantic struggling later, I had clean sheets on the bed, I was also a hot frigging mess. Sinking to the floor, overwhelmed, I sat with my legs crossed and breathed deeply, giving myself a moment to get my shit together. Kieran couldn’t see me like this.
Showering, I put on some jeans and a t shirt, not wanting to be in slouchy sweats covered in paint. Then I slapped on enough make up to hide as much of the yellowed bruising as I could, not wanting to scare a kid who was probably half frightened to death already. By the time I went back down the stairs, Taylor was texting on her phone, her face a mask of concentration.
Shoving the sheets into the washing machine, I went back upstairs and rifled through the bags in Kieran’s room, finding the pyjamas at the bottom. Pulling them out of the packaging, I held the bottoms in front of me smirking at how small they were. The tags said five to six years, they would fit him. I’d never held a little person’s clothes like this before and it suddenly felt like more than a novelty. It was fucking scary.
“He’ll love them,” Taylor said from the doorway. “You’re doing good, Chrissie. Trust it.”
That remained to be seen. “What if he freaks out because Warren’s not here? He doesn’t know me.”
“He’s been in the car for an hour with Shaun, he’ll be fine. Kids are tough little buggers.” I tried desperately to keep my tears at bay but lost the fight and they tumbled down my cheeks. Taylor sat down beside me and pulled out the rest of the clothes. “He’ll get to know you. Children are perceptive, he’ll see you for who you are.”
The loud knock at the front door made me jump and wipe at the wet on my face with one hand, scrunching the pyjamas to my chest with the other.
“Come on, big girl pants. Kieran needs you.”
Taylor took the lead walking down the stairs, at the bottom she tugged me into a hug and kissed my head. “You can do this.” Disappearing into the kitchen, I was left to myself, and maybe it was exactly what I needed. Thrown in at the deep end, I had no choice but to deal.
It felt like an eternity opening that door but when I did, every single reservation and nervous edge I had scattered on the breeze when I saw Kieran clutching Shaun.
“Baby,” I whispered, ignoring Shaun completely. When Kieran lifted his head from Shaun’s shoulder, my arms went out immediately.
The little boy didn’t think twice, not one flicker of doubt crossed his face when he looked at me. He kicked his legs against Shaun who held him outwards to me and the next thing I knew, Kieran’s small body was holding on to me for dear life, his hands tugging at the wayward strands of my hair.
“Green shoe lady.”
I laughed through my tears and held him tighter. “I’m here.”
Moving out of the way so Shaun could come inside, he closed the door behind him and hitched his head toward the kitchen. I nodded and mouthed ‘Taylor’ watching as he took off in that direction.
“You hungry?” I asked Kieran.
“Sleepy.”
“You want to go up and sleep in my bed until daddy’s home?”
He didn’t answer so I took it as a yes and climbed back up the stairs. I’d left the lamp on instead of the overhead light, the room was warm and welcoming. It had been my sanctuary for long enough, I could share it with Kieran now.
Sitting on the bed, I popped Kieran on to my lap. He looked scared and unsure, and I felt so sorry for this little boy. I didn’t know what he’d seen or what he’d been through, but he was visibly upset.
“How about we get you some jammies on then into bed?”
“Okay.” He was too pliant for my liking, yet I couldn’t rightly make an issue of it, the poor thing was dog tired. Standing up with him still clinging on to me, I headed to his room. When we entered, his face erupted into a grin and he wriggled to get down. Setting him on his feet, he made a beeline for the teddy in the corner of the room, cuddling into the fluffy thing and squealing.
“You like that?”
Crossing the room, I sat on the floor and ran my hand over his back. Tears spilled again while he played with the stuffed toy. I was smitten, captivated. He’d been love at first sight, how could he not be?
Kieran tired of the teddy quickly, exhaustion taking over. Big yawns coming from him propelled me to call for his attention and he flopped in my lap after giving the teddy one last hug. Reaching for the pyjamas. I carefully undressed him then got his night clothes on.
“Pee then bed, huh?”
Another yawn and a sleepy nod. He insisted he could use the toilet himself, so I turned back the covers while I waited for him to return. When he did, he had no hesitation climbing up into the bed and sinking down onto the pillow, his blanket gripped in his hands.
I couldn’t take my eyes from him, didn’t want him to leave my sight. Stripping off my jeans, I climbed in beside him unsure what to do next.
“Hugs?” he asked around the thumb he’d stuck in his mouth.
Who could resist? We snuggled in, and as I kissed his head and whispered goodnight, my heart was fit to burst. I didn’t think I’d ever forget this moment right here. I had no intention of leaving this boy’s side for the rest of my life.
Both Warren and Kieran were stuck with me and I was going to show them both just what a family should be. We’d learn together, live our lives for each other. No one was taking this from me. I was worthy of the boy lying in my bed and his father who was coming home to us soon.
Epilogue - Warren
The last time I saw Kayleigh was both the worst and best day of my life. I thought my number had been up. Instead, the monster who’d given me restless nights had given me something more precious that made the waking up at all hours worthwhile.
He’d given me my son. Yannick had given me the life I’d always wanted.
Chrissie, Kieran and I were a family. It hadn’t been easy, not by a long shot. We still struggled with what had happened to us. Kieran missed his mother and asked after her every day still. I had no answers for him because I simply didn’t know.
No one had arrived on our doorstep demanding to know where Charlie or Kayleigh was. I hadn’t heard a word from my ex-wife. If anyone knew anything, they weren’t saying a word to us about her. I preferred it that way, it meant I didn’t need to lie to my son.
A letter had arrived about a month after I’d walked away from Clive’s flat, from a firm in London. Cranstead and Sons declared I was Kieran’s legal guardian, his only legal guardian, the paperwork had Kayleigh’s scrawled signature in all the right places. I struggled to come to terms with what that meant exactly and knew in years to come I’d have some tough questions to answer when my son asked. For now, I put it aside, it was for another time.
I’d hated leaving him in Shaun�
�s care after leaving the flat that evening. Considering the length of time it had taken to reset my very fucked up arm and get my ribs seen to, it had been a blessing. Getting back to Chrissie’s and walking into her bedroom seven hours later had put me on my knees all over again.
There she’d lain, in the middle of the bed with her arms wrapped around the thing that meant the most to me in the world. Both were sound asleep and peaceful.
I’d come home to all my dreams.
That had been eight long weeks ago and we were finally settling down, becoming the close-knit family unit I’d always desired. Chrissie was a natural, her connection with Kieran went from strength to strength. She wasn’t trying to replace his mother but there was no mistaking the bond developing between the two. I hoped it would be enough for him to put his own memories behind him.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes. I’m done with it,” Chrissie said, peeling off her t shirt and dropping it to the floor. Walking round the bed, she smiled at me. I was already half under the covers, my back against the headboard. The cast had come off my arm the day before yet still the stiffness remained, and the scar was an angry red where the bone had poked through.
“It’s your decision. I kind of like the place though, it’s where I first saw you.”
She laughed, a rich sound that grew in confidence with each passing day as she settled comfortably in her own skin. “God, my head was so messed up back then.”
“It’s not now?”
It wasn’t. Chrissie had her head screwed on better than I had for sure. Her decision to sell her club was hers entirely and most likely a good thing, but I couldn’t help the pang of nostalgia I had for the place.
