by Hart, Rye
“You should go. Make yourself some friends. Maybe find yourself a nice lady to keep you warm this winter. I hear it’s gonna be brutal.”
“That’s all right,” I said, chuckling. “I’m doing just fine on my own right now.”
“Well, a handsome man like yourself wouldn’t have no problems finding you a nice country gal around these parts. If you’re ever looking for one, my granddaughter’s a sight.”
“I’m sure she is, if she looks like you,” I said.
“Damn straight she does. Her mother’s a hoot, though. Gets her sense of it from her.”
“I bet she does.”
“Any luck finding a job?” he asked.
I started picking up the bags and putting them into the cart. “Not really looking for one,” I said.
“Not looking for a job?” he asked.
“I’m retired, sir.”
“Retired? Son, you don’t look any older than thirty.”
“Thirty-two.”
“Then how are you retired?” he asked.
“Military,” I said.
I knew what was coming. It was the sentiment that always came after I said something like that. I had no interest in telling him I was a medic or a doctor or any sort of physician that could help people. That part of my life was behind me. Because the truth was, I didn’t help people. Not on that last tour before I got us the fuck out of there.
I broke every damn promise I ever made to myself on that tour. Decent doctors didn’t do the things I did.
Nope. Those fucking days were behind me.
“Well, son. Thank you for your service. What you’ve given to this country’s a mighty big sacrifice. I want you to know we appreciate it. I appreciate it and I appreciate you.”
“Thank you, sir,” I said.
I snatched up the last of my groceries and paid in haste. I needed to get back to my cabin. I could already feel the shaking in my hands settling in and I needed to get out from underneath the gaze of others before someone wanted to start a conversation I had no intention of having.
“What happened to your hand there?” I heard Moose ask.
And, of course, before I could catch myself, I turned around.
There was an elderly man at the register, buying himself some chew and a gallon of sweet tea. He was in rugged old jeans and a t-shirt with a coat and his hand was bandaged up. It was swollen and bruised and I could tell by the way his thumb was sitting that it was dislocated. I ran my eyes up his arms, noticing the swelling in his wrist before his arm disappeared underneath his coat.
Then, I caught it. He reached for his wallet to pay for his stuff and his middle finger wouldn’t move.
He’d broken his hand. Probably picking up something he shouldn’t have been and dropping it on himself. He could move his wrist, so it wasn’t shattered, but he couldn’t move his middle finger, which meant one of the main ligaments was being impeded by something leaning up against it.
And it had to have been a broken bone because dislocations didn’t cause the kind of bruising this man had.
Images started flashing around in my mind. Suddenly, the grocery store was flickering in and out. It kept switching from food to darkness. Food to darkness. Food to chains. Food to a basement. I closed my eyes and shook my head before I turned back toward my grocery cart.
I had to get out of here. I had to get out of here before things got out of hand.
I walked out to my truck and tossed everything else into the back. Taking deep breaths, I tried to calm the storm rising in my chest. I could feel my heart hammering against my ribs, threatening to split my sternum as I wheeled the cart over to a gathering point.
By the time I got back to my truck, I was practically in a full-blown run.
I hopped behind the wheel of my truck and cranked the engine. I only had a half tank of gas, but I didn’t fucking care at that point. All I wanted to do was get back up my mountain. Get back to my quiet space where no one could see me. There, I could sweat and scream and rage all I wanted. There I could chop wood to dispel my anger and toss myself around in bed without anyone next to me.
I felt the shaking of the truck as the wheels carried me up the mountain and I finally started to breathe a sigh of relief. I knew that the moment I hit the thicket of trees ahead of me, no one would be able to see me. No one could ask me questions or stare at me like I was losing my mind. No one could try to make small talk or try to figure out what I was doing in town.
No one could hear me scream myself awake or cry in the shower when I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I felt my truck being swallowed by the shadows of the trees and my entire body relaxed.
It was done. I was done.
No more people until the winter was over.
Chapter 4
Whitney
I lay on my air mattress, my mind whirling. It had been a month since I’d quit my job and, while I wasn’t hurting for money, I was hurting for a purpose. I slept until noon, got up long enough to grab an apple, pee, and then I’d crawl back into bed and feel sorry for myself.
My entertainment for the day was watching my clothes swing in my closet with the breeze coming through the window that wouldn’t quite shut while I fell in and out of sleep.
But then my phone rang.
I groaned, rolling over on the mattress that needed to be blown up again. I picked up the phone and put it to my ear, not bothering to see who was calling.
It couldn’t be anyone else but her.
“What’s up, Gwen?” I asked.
“Get your ass out of bed and get down to this salon,” she said.
“Why, are you okay?” I asked.
“Because I just finished my last client before lunch and I’m about to go to the bank. We’re having a celebratory lunch.”
“In the salon?” I asked.
“Yes. It’s gotta be quick but I’m making the final deposit into my ‘get my own business’ account.”
“Oh my gosh. Gwen, that’s amazing!”
“It is, so roll your ass out of bed and get down here. Whitney, you have a fucking law degree. You shouldn’t just now be warming up your voice to talk to the world at lunchtime. Get up.”
“Okay, okay. I’m coming. I’ll be there in… twenty minutes?” I asked.
“Make it thirty. Take a damn shower, girl.”
I hung up the phone and scrambled to the bathroom. This was my life now, living vicariously through my best friend. She had a goal and, now, she was taking another massive step toward that goal. I couldn’t be happier for her. I figured if I watched her succeed long enough, I’d know what the hell to do with my life. I’d know where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do.
But as I got myself dressed and drove over to her salon, all I could think about was the last time I’d actually stepped out of my apartment.
And I really couldn’t remember.
I drove through town and had to put on my sunglasses. Even though the sun wasn’t bright, it was hurting my eyes. That was how long I’d cooped myself up in that dingy old apartment. The sun, even on half blast, was killing my eyes. I drove through my favorite coffee place and got myself a strong cup, then floored it over to the salon. I couldn’t wait to swing my arms around my best friend and congratulate her on this massive step in her life.
All of a sudden, I wanted to go building shopping with her.
“Girl, I hope you didn’t bring me any,” she said. “Shaky hands and sharp scissors don’t mix.”
“Nope, just me,” I said, grinning.
“Good,” Gwen said. “I went to our favorite place and got you a massive salad. And some soup. With some bread. And some cake.”
“That’s some serious food.”
“It’s a serious celebration,” she said. “And you look like shit. Have you seen yourself in a mirror?”
“The one in my apartment’s broken,” I said.
“Of course, it is. Just like everything else in that damn place. Come on back. We’ll talk.
”
I sipped my coffee and followed her into the back room. It was a lot dimmer than outside or the main room of the salon and I was finally able to take my sunglasses off. I sighed with relief while my eyes adjusted back to their preferred state. Then, I tossed my sunglasses onto the table and threw my arms around my best friend.
“I’m so proud of you,” I said.
She hugged me close and I could feel her smiling into my shoulder.
“Me, too. I honestly didn’t think I’d get there. Life threw me so many curveballs this year that I wasn’t sure if I was gonna make it.”
She was right. Life had dealt her a shitty hand this past year. The engine of her car broken down and she had to get another one. Her washing machine blew up. The plumbing in her home went haywire and stuff had to be repiped. She was dipping into her cushion account more than she wanted and she was so scared she’d have to start dipping into her “future business” account for anything else. I’d offered to give her money from my own savings a few times, but not surprisingly she’d turn it down. She wanted to hike the mountain on her own and I was damn proud of her for making it happen.
“But you did it,” I said. “That’s the important thing here.”
We sat down and began to eat but I could feel her eyes on me. I knew I looked tired but did I really look that bad?
“Yes, you do,” Gwen said.
“Do what?” I asked.
“Look that bad. Here.”
She pulled out her purse and dug around in it for a while. Eventually, she presented me with a compact mirror. I looked up at her and she raised her eyebrows, almost daring me to look at a person I didn’t want to acknowledge. I sighed and took it from her before I popped it open, thinking it really wouldn’t be as bad as she thought it was.
But even I was startled by the person staring back at me.
The bags underneath my eyes were heavy, despite the massive amount of time I spent sleeping. I still had imprints on my face from where my blanket smushed into my skin. My cheeks were puffy from all the salty snacks I was eating while my cheekbones protruded a bit with the fact that I wasn’t getting enough calories. My hair was frazzled, there were wisps in my face, and, suddenly, I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me.
Who the hell was this haggard woman?
“Now, I know you came to talk about when I’m going to start shopping around for my new business location but, if we’re gonna talk about that, then we have to talk about you,” Gwen said.
“Oh, come on, it’s not that bad,” I said.
“Don’t you ‘lawyer’ me. This has gone on long enough. You’ve been out of work for a month and the Whitney I know would’ve already had another plan in place. What’s happening? What’s going on?”
“Here’s the deal,” I said. “I’ll talk about me but we talk about you first. I don’t want my shit overshadowing this incredible thing you’ve just done.”
I took a bite of my salad while Gwen held my stare.
“You drive a hard bargain but I accept,” she said, grinning. “And to answer your first question, I’m going to start looking next week.”
“I hate it when you do that.”
“Do what?” she asked. “Know all the things you’re thinking all at once? I’m your best friend. It’s one of my superpowers.”
“Got it,” I said. “So, can I help you look for places?”
“No.”
“Why not?” I asked. “Come on. It’ll be fun! I’ll treat us to lunches and everything.”
“Most of my shopping is gonna be online until I can narrow it down. Then, I’ll be contacting a realtor. And you? You’ll be in Gatlinburg.”
“Uh, why the hell would I be in Gatlinburg?” I asked.
“Because I know you and I know you enjoy the mountains more than the beach. You like the beach when no one is there but you like the mountains no matter what. There’s a cabin resort in Gatlinburg that caters to people who just need to get away. That’s where I went after my breakup with Tommy last summer.”
“You did come back a new woman. I never heard you talk about Tommy after that fiasco.”
“Best fucking decision I ever made. I treated myself to some sleep, a hot tub, and a massage, then came back to tell his sorry ass that it was over for good and never to call me again.”
“Get it, girl.”
“And that’s what you need,” she said. “A place to go think. That idiotic apartment that you live in? That place isn’t a place to think. It’s a prison and it’s kept you there long enough.”
“I can’t argue that point with you.”
“I think you should get rid of it altogether, honestly. Get it off your plate before you go to the mountains.”
“First, I haven’t agreed to the mountains and, second, where the hell would I come back to?” I asked.
“Girl, you know you can always stay with me.”
“We did enough of that shit in high school,” I said.
“And we’ll do more of that shit now,” she said. “Look, Whit. I love you. You’re not my best friend. You’re my fucking sister. We’ve literally been through all the shit together. Trust me that I know what’s good for you. Pay whatever you need to get out of that lease, pack your shit up, and come stay with me for a bit. Please?”
“Am I staying with you or going to the mountains?” I asked.
“Don’t get smart with me. First you do one, then you do the other. And, finally, you figure out just what you are going to be when you grow up.”
I watched as Gwen’s hand reached out to take mine and I could feel tears rising in my eyes.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said.
“What have you always wanted to do?” she asked.
“Be a lawyer,” I said.
“Then find somewhere else to be a lawyer. Open up your own damn practice, for all I care.”
“It’s just not that simple,” I said.
“No, it’s not. I can tell you that firsthand. I can also tell you that it’s the most exciting thing I’ve ever done with my damn life. And it’ll be that way for you, too, once you find out what you want.”
“But how do I find out what I want?” I asked.
“Go to the resort,” she said. “Get yourself a cabin. For a few days or a week. Hell, go and stay through the holidays. Pack up your shit, toss that apartment, blow off Memphis for a while, and go do something you want to go do.”
“And I want to go to the mountains?” I asked.
“Girl, I don’t fucking know. All I know is you love the mountains and you love watching sunsets with coffee in your hand.”
“Oh hell, I really love that,” I said, groaning.
“So, we can do it right now,” she said.
“What?”
“On my phone. We can do it right now. Let me pull up the website.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said. “Right now? We’re gonna book something right now? I mean, have we talked about your business yet?”
“We have. I’m gonna start my search next month online and with a realtor. Once I have it narrowed down to two places, you’re gonna get all the pictures and you’re gonna tell me which one to go with because I can never make decisions like that on my own. Then, when I sign the rental agreement, you’re gonna help me decorate the damn thing because I’m shit at that. Okay?”
“You really are shit at that. I’m no interior designer but I know I can do a better job than you,” I said.
“Very funny, smart ass. Now, ready to book?” she asked.
She turned her phone around and I saw the most picturesque, snow-covered mountain I’d ever seen in my life. I took her phone and started scrolling through the pictures, looking at the cabins available to me. There were massive cabins that could house two families and small studio cabins that were made for only one or two people and, all of a sudden, things started falling into place. I looked through pictures of fires roaring in the fireplace and pictures of the jet tub every cabin boasted. I
thought about cooking my small little dinners for one and enjoying cups of coffee while the sun set over the beautiful view where one of the studio cabins was located.
I clicked on it and searched for its available dates and found that it was open for three solid weeks.
I saw Gwen smile out of my peripheral vision while I continued to type away on her phone. I dipped into my purse and pulled out my credit card, booking the small cabin for the next three weeks. I had four days to pack up and get out there and, by the time I hit the confirmation button, I’d resolved myself to another task.
I was getting rid of that shitty apartment of mine.
“So?” Gwen asked. “How does it feel?”
“For the first time in a month, I feel excited about something,” I said.
“Good,” she said. “You should. It’s a beautiful place, and you’re gonna love it. And who knows? Maybe you’ll meet yourself a sexy rugged manly man.”
“Oh, no. I’ve got the cabin and it’s lit a fire under my ass to ditch the apartment. I’m not taking on a man.”
“Girl, you really need to get laid. When was the last time you got laid?”
“I have sex!” I exclaimed. “Just… not… often?”
Gwen started laughing before she tossed a grape into her mouth.
“You should find yourself a nice, local mountain man who’s got a thing for city girls. He’d dick ya right before he sent ya home. And if he’s real good to you, he’ll feed you sweet tea shirtless, too.”
“Are you serious right now?” I asked.
“Hell yes! Go to the mountains, relax, and get laid. Those are your three tasks.”
“I’m not focused on finding a man right now,” I said. “I’m focused on finding a future.”
“Well, two out of three is still the majority,” she said. “I can’t be pissed at that. And did I hear you say something about actually getting rid of that apartment?”
“I’m riding the high of doing something I wanna do, so I’m gonna ride it as far as it takes me,” I said.
“Wanna call the landlord now?” she asked.
That grin on Gwen’s face was something I was never able to say “no” to. The moment that grin crawled across her face, it meant she had a plan in motion, so I handed her phone back to her before I pulled out mine.
