by E. L. James
“Oh, baby,” he murmurs and he pushes two fingers inside me.
I gasp.
“Ready for me so soon,” he says. He moves his fingers tantalizingly slowly, in, out, and I push against him, tilting my hips up.
“You are a greedy girl,” he scolds softly, and his thumb circles my clitoris and then presses down.
I groan loudly as my body bucks beneath his expert fingers. He reaches up and pushes the t-shirt over my head so I can see him as I blink in the soft light of my sidelight. I long to touch him.
“I want to touch you,” I breathe.
“I know,” he murmurs. He leans down and kisses me, his fingers still moving rhythmically inside me, his thumb circling and pressing. His other hand scoops my hair off my head and holds my head in place. His tongue mirrors the actions of his fingers, claiming me. My legs begin to stiffen as I push against his hand. He gentles his hand, so I’m brought back from the brink. He does this again and again. It’s so frustrating… Oh please, Christian, I scream in my head.
“This is your punishment, so close and yet so far. Is this nice?” he breathes in my ear. I whimper, exhausted, pulling against my restraint. I’m helpless, lost in an erotic torment.
“Please,” I beg, and he finally takes pity on me.
“How shall I fuck you, Anastasia?”
Oh… my body starts to quiver. He stills again.
“Please.”
“What do you want, Anastasia?”
“You… now,” I cry.
“Shall I fuck you this way, or this way, or this way? There’s an endless choice,” he breathes against my lips. He withdraws his hand and reaches over to the bedside table for a foil packet. He kneels up between my legs, and very slowly he pulls my panties off, staring down at me, his eyes gleaming. He puts on the condom. I watch fascinated, mesmerized.
“How nice is this?” he says as he strokes himself.
“I meant it as a joke,” I whimper. Please fuck me, Christian.
He raises his eyebrows as his hand moves up and down his impressive length.
“A joke?” His voice is menacingly soft.
“Yes. Please, Christian,” I beseech him.
“Are you laughing now?”
“No,” I mewl.
I am just one ball of sexual, tense, need. He stares down at me for a moment, measuring my need, then he grabs me suddenly and flips me over. It takes me by surprise, and because my hands are tied, I have to support myself on my elbows. He pushes both my knees up the bed so my behind is in the air, and he slaps me hard. Before I can react, he plunges inside me. I cry out – from the slap and from his sudden assault, and I come instantly again and again, falling apart beneath him as he continues to slam deliciously into me. He doesn’t stop. I’m spent. I can’t take this… and he pounds on and on and on... then I’m building again… surely not… no…
“Come on, Anastasia, again,” he growls through clenched teeth, and unbelievably, my body responds, convulsing around him as I climax anew, calling out his name. I shatter again into tiny fragments, and Christian stills, finally letting go, silently finding his release. He collapses on top of me, breathing hard.
“How nice was that?” he asks through his gritted teeth.
Oh my.
I lie panting and spent on the bed, eyes closed as he slowly pulls out of me. He rises immediately and dresses. When he’s fully clothed, he climbs back on the bed and gently undoes his tie and pulls my t-shirt off. I flex my fingers and rub my wrists, smiling at the woven pattern imprinted on my wrists from the tie. I re-adjust my bra as he pulls the duvet and quilt over me. I stare up at him completely dazed, and he smirks down at me.
“That was really nice,” I whisper, smiling coyly.
“There’s that word again.”
“You don’t like that word?”
“No. It doesn’t do it for me at all.”
“Oh – I don’t know… it seems to have a very beneficial effect on you.”
“I’m a beneficial effect, now am I? Could you wound my ego any further, Miss Steele?”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your ego.” But even as I say it, I don’t feel the conviction of my words - something elusive crosses my mind, a fleeting thought, but it’s lost before I can grasp it.
“You think?” His voice is soft. He’s lying beside me, fully clothed, his head propped up on his elbow, and I am only wearing my bra.
“Why don’t you like to be touched?”
“I just don’t.” He reaches over and plants a soft kiss on my forehead. “So, that e-mail was your idea of a joke.”
I smile apologetically at him and shrug.
“I see. So you are still considering my proposition?”
“Your indecent proposal… yes I am. I have issues though.”
He grins down at me as if relieved.
“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”
“I was going to e-mail them to you, but you kind of interrupted me.”
“Coitus interruptus.”
“See, I knew you had a sense of humor somewhere in there.” I smile.
“Only certain things are funny, Anastasia. I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all.” His voice drops.
“I don’t know yet. I haven’t made up my mind. Will you collar me?”
He raises his eyebrows.
“You have been doing your research. I don’t know, Anastasia. I’ve never collared anyone.”
Oh… should I be surprised by this? I know so little about the scene… I don’t know.
“Were you collared?” I whisper.
“Yes.”
“By Mrs. Robinson?”
“Mrs. Robinson!” he laughs loudly, freely, and he looks so young and carefree, his head thrown back, his laughter infectious.
I grin back at him.
“I’ll tell her you said that; she’ll love it.”
“You still talk to her regularly?” I can’t keep the shock out of my voice.
“Yes.” He’s serious now.
Oh… and part of me is suddenly insanely jealous – I’m disturbed by the depth of my feeling.
“I see.” My voice is tight. “So you have someone you can discuss your alternative lifestyle with, but I’m not allowed.”
He frowns.
“I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it like that. Mrs. Robinson was part of that lifestyle. I told you, she’s a good friend now. If you’d like, I can introduce you to one of my former subs. You could talk to her.”
What? Is he deliberately trying to upset me?
“Is this your idea of a joke?
“No, Anastasia.” He’s bemused as he shakes his head earnestly.
“No – I’ll do this on my own, thank you very much,” I snap at him, pulling the duvet up to my chin.
He stares at me, at sea, surprised.
“Anastasia, I… ” He’s lost for words. A first, I think. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“I’m not offended. I’m appalled.”
“Appalled?”
“I don’t want to talk to one of your ex-girlfriends… slave… sub… whatever you call them.”
“Anastasia Steele – are you jealous?”
I flush, crimson.
“Are you staying?”
“I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow at the Heathman. Besides, I told you, I don’t sleep with girlfriends, slaves, subs, or anyone. Friday and Saturday night were exceptions. It won’t happen again.” I can hear the resolve behind his soft, husky voice.
I purse my lips at him.
“Well I’m tired now.”
“Are you kicking me out?” He raises his eyebrows at me, amused and a little dismayed.
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s another first.” He eyes me speculatively. “So nothing you want to discuss now? About the contract.”
“No.” I reply petulantly.
“God, I’d like to give you a good hiding. You’d feel a lot better, and so would I.�
�
“You can’t say things like that… I haven’t signed anything yet.”
“A man can dream, Anastasia.” He leans over me and grasps my chin. “Wednesday?” he murmurs, and he kisses me lightly on my lips.
“Wednesday,” I agree. “I’ll see you out. If you give me a minute.” I sit up and grab my t-shirt, pushing him out of the way. Amused and reluctant, he gets up off the bed.
“Please pass me my sweat pants.”
He collects them from the floor and hands them to me.
“Yes, ma’am.” He’s trying unsuccessfully to hide his smile.
I narrow my eyes at him as I slip the pants on. My hair is a state, and I know I’ll have to face the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition after he’s gone. Grabbing a hair tie, I walk to my bedroom door, opening it slightly to check for Kate. She is not in the living area. I think I can hear her on the phone in her room. Christian follows me out. During the short walk from bedroom to front door, my thoughts and feelings ebb and flow, transforming. I’m no longer angry with him, I feel suddenly unbearably shy. I don’t want him to go. For the first time, I’m wishing he was – normal – wanting a normal relationship that doesn’t need a ten-page agreement, a flogger, and carabiners in his playroom ceiling.
I open the door for him and stare down at my hands. This is the first time I have ever had sex in my home, and as sex goes, I think it was pretty damn fine. But now I feel like a receptacle – an empty vessel to be filled at his whim. My subconscious shakes her head. You wanted to run to the Heathman for sex – you had it express-delivered. She crosses her arms and taps her foot with a what-are-you-complaining-about look on her face. Christian stops in the doorway and clasps my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his. His brow creases slightly.
“You okay?” he asks tenderly as his thumb lightly caresses my bottom lip.
“Yes.” I reply, though in all honesty I’m just not sure. I feel a paradigm shift. I know that if I do this thing with him, I will get hurt. He’s not capable, interested, or willing to offer me any more… and I want more. Much more. The surge of jealousy I felt only moments ago tells me that I have deeper feelings for him than I have admitted to myself.
“Wednesday,” he confirms, and he leans forward and kisses me softly. Something changes while he’s kissing me, his lips grow more urgent against mine, his hand moves up from my chin and he’s holding the side of my head, his other hand on the other side. His breathing accelerates. He deepens the kiss, leaning into me. I put my hands on his arms. I want to run them through his hair, but I resist, knowing that he won’t like it. He leans his forehead against mine, his eyes closed, his voice strained.
“Anastasia,” he whispers. “What are you doing to me?”
“I could say the same to you,” I whisper back.
Taking a deep breath, he kisses my forehead and leaves. He strolls purposefully down the path toward his car as he runs his hand through his hair. Glancing up as he opens his car door, he smiles his breathtaking smile. My answering smile is weak, completely dazzled by him, and I’m reminded once more of Icarus soaring too close to the Sun. I close the front door as he climbs into his sporty car. I have an overwhelming urge to cry, a sad and lonely melancholy grips and tightens round my heart. Dashing back to my bedroom, I close the door and lean against it trying to rationalize my feelings. I can’t. Sliding to the floor, I put my head in my hands as my tears begin to flow.
Kate knocks gently.
“Ana?” she whispers. I open the door. She takes one look at me and throws her arms around me.
“What’s wrong? What did that creepy good-looking bastard do?”
“Oh Kate, nothing I didn’t want him to.”
She pulls me to my bed and we sit.
“You have dreadful sex hair.”
In spite of my poignant sadness, I laugh.
“It was good sex, not dreadful at all.”
Kate smiles.
“That’s better. Why are you crying? You never cry.” She retrieves my brush from the side table, and sitting behind me, very slowly starts brushing out the knots.
“I just don’t think our relationship is going to go anywhere.” I stare down at my fingers.
“I thought you said you were going to see him on Wednesday?”
“I am. That was our original plan.”
“So, why did he turn up here today?”
“I sent him an e-mail.”
“Asking him to drop by?”
“No, saying I didn’t want to see him anymore.”
“And he turns up? Ana, that’s genius.”
“Actually it was a joke.”
“Oh. Now I’m really confused.”
Patiently, I explain the essence of my e-mail without giving anything away.
“So you thought he’d reply by e-mail.”
“Yes.”
“But instead he turns up here.”
“Yes.”
“I’d say he’s completely smitten with you.”
I frown. Christian, smitten with me? Hardly. He’s just looking for a new toy – a convenient new toy that he can bed and do unspeakable things to. My heart tightens painfully. This is the reality.
“He came here to fuck me, that’s all.”
“Who said romance was dead?” she whispers horrified. I’ve shocked Kate. I didn’t think that was possible. I shrug apologetically.
“He uses sex as a weapon.”
“Fuck you into submission?” She shakes her head disapprovingly. I blink rapidly at her, and I can feel the blush as it spreads across my face. Oh… spot on, Katherine Kavanagh, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist.
“Ana, I don’t understand, you just let him make love to you?”
“No, Kate, we don’t make love – we fuck – Christian’s terminology. He doesn’t do the love thing.”
“I knew there was something weird about him. He has commitment issues.”
I nod, as if in agreement. Inwardly, I pine. Oh Kate... I wish I could tell you everything, everything about this strange, sad, kinky guy, and you could tell me to forget about him. Stop me from being a fool.
“I guess it’s all a little overwhelming,” I murmur. That’s the understatement of the year.
Because I don’t want to talk about Christian any more, I ask her about Elliot. Katherine’s whole demeanor changes at the mere mention of his name. She lights up from within, beaming at me.
“He’s coming over early Saturday to help load up.” She hugs the hairbrush – boy, has she got it bad – and I feel a familiar faint stab of envy. Kate has found herself a normal man, and she looks so happy.
I turn and hug her.
“Oh, I meant to say. Your dad called while you were… err, occupied. Apparently Bob has sustained some injury, so your mom and he can’t make graduation. But your dad will be here Thursday. He wants you to call.”
“Oh... my mom never called me. Is Bob okay?”
“Yes. Call her in the morning. It’s late now.”
“Thanks, Kate. I’m okay now. I’ll call Ray in the morning, too. I think I’ll just turn in.”
She smiles, but her eyes crinkle at the corners with concern.
After she’s gone, I sit and read the contract again, making more notes as I go. When I’ve finished, I fire up the laptop, ready to respond.
There’s an e-mail from Christian in my inbox.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: This evening
Date: May 23 2011 23:16
To: Anastasia Steele
Miss Steele
I look forward to receiving your notes on the contract.
Until then, sleep well baby.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Issues
Date: May 24 2011 00:02
To: Christian Grey
Dear Mr. Grey
Here is my list of issues. I look forward to discussing them more fully at dinner on Wednesday.
The numbers refer to clauses:
2: Not sure why this is solely for MY benefit – i.e. to explore MY sensuality and limits. I’m sure I wouldn’t need a ten-page contract to do that! Surely this is for YOUR benefit.
4: As you are aware you are my only sexual partner. I don’t take drugs, and I’ve not had any blood transfusions. I’m probably safe. What about you?
8: I can terminate at any time if I don’t think you’re sticking to the agreed limits. Okay – I like this.
9: Obey you in all things? Accept without hesitation your discipline? We need to talk about this.
11: One month trial period. Not three.
12: I cannot commit every weekend. I do have a life, or will have. Perhaps three out of four?
15.2: Using my body as you see fit sexually or otherwise – please define “or otherwise.”
15.5: This whole discipline clause. I’m not sure I want to be whipped, flogged, or corporally punished. I am sure this would be in breach of clauses 2-5. And also “for any other reason”. That’s just mean – and you told me you weren’t a sadist.
15.10: Like loaning me out to someone else would ever be an option. But I’m glad it’s here in black and white.
15.14: The Rules. More on those later.
15.19: Touching myself without your permission. What’s the problem with this? You know I don’t do it anyway.
15.21: Discipline – Please see clause 15.5 above.
15.22: I can’t look into your eyes? Why?
15.24: Why can’t I touch you?
Rules:
Sleep – I’ll agree to 6 hours. Food – I am not eating food from a prescribed list. The food list goes or I do – Deal breaker. Clothes – as long as I only have to wear your clothes when I’m with you... okay. Exercise – We agreed 3 hours, this still says 4.
Soft Limits:
Can we go through all of these? No Fisting of any kind. What is suspension? Genital Clamps – you have got to be kidding me.
Can you please let me know the arrangements for Wednesday? I am working until 5pm that day.
Good night.
Ana
From: Christian Grey
Subject: This evening
Date: May 24 2011 00:07
To: Anastasia Steele
