I run my fingertips over the flimsy pages of my Bible. The worn black cover is hidden by my bright yellow case. Mom gave it to me when I graduated high school and said it was her mother’s. Holding it and reading from it makes me feel connected to Grandma even though she passed away when I was only five. I hope I meet her in Heaven someday.
“Mrs. B, as exciting as this is, it’s 12:00 and I’m leaving.” Cassie pops out of her seat and bustles out the door. Her mane of bright blue hair flowing behind her.
Mrs. Barren sighs and closes her book. “She’s right. The rest of you enjoy your afternoons and we will pick up with our read through in Genesis next week.”
I gently close my Bible and slide the zipper around the case. A frail hand comes to rest on my shoulder and I look up to see Mrs. Barren’s kind smiling face. “I’ve missed seeing you in my class, Kathryn. And where is Scott today? Did he not come home from school this weekend?”
“Scotty says he’s sorry about missing class this week but he’s helping his mom box up some things.” I glance at his empty seat beside me. “I’ve missed being here though. I always learn something new from your read throughs.”
“There’s always more to learn. Even when you get to my age. Well, I better go collect my grandkids. I hope you have a wonderful week at college.” She strolls out the door into the crowded hallway as all the classes begin to empty.
If I even make it to her age.
The dark, invasive thought feels foreign like it’s not my own. Regardless, I feel my heartbeat start to quicken. I have to get out of here.
Hastily, I throw my Bible into my backpack and push through the tightly packed hoard of people. Outside my lungs start to work harder. My breaths become quick and forced as my chest tightens.
In the safety of my little blue Toyota sedan I let the sobs out before they can choke me, wishing Scotty was here to help calm me down. My shaky hands rummage through my purse until they find a small orange prescription bottle. Even though I consistently take my normal dose in the mornings, I’ve found lately I need a second one most days. I pop the round white pill into my mouth and swallow, noting how low my supply has become. I guess it’s a good thing Mom sent a refill in for more.
Leaning back and shutting my eyes for several minutes, I let the medicine take hold. I feel the weight lift, the pressure release, the tension ease. It feels like somebody flipped the panic button back off and everything is okay again. After a few more deep breaths, I’m steady enough to drive the short ten minutes home. Maybe it’s a psychological thing that I feel better so quickly after taking the extra dose. It’s like someone up above is rewarding the bad behavior of overdosing. Or someone down below. Is this what dependence or addiction feels like?
When I pull into the driveway, Mom walks out of the house with an envelope in her hand. She’s still dressed in her pale pink blouse and white pants. Her adult church class must have let out a little early this week. She slips the letter into our mailbox then walks with me into the house.
“Did you want to go have lunch at the diner before heading back to school?” She tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“Actually, I think I’m going to leave as soon as I change into something more comfortable.” I glance down at my light blue button up and tan dress pants.
“You’re trying to skip out early?” Her brows knit together.
My cheeks flush. “I have a big test to study for.” It’s not a complete lie but I still feel a little rush of guilt. I don’t make trips home on weekends often since I normally work, but the longer I’m here the higher chance of her seeing me have a weakness in sanity.
“I guess that’s a valid excuse.” Her face softens. “I’ll tell your dad you said you love him.”
“I can call him tonight.” I bound up the stairs and replace my stiff clothes with black sweatpants and a plain purple T-shirt. Anna watches me from my bed. I scratch behind her ears and kiss the air in front of her nose. “I’ll be back old girl.” Her tail swishes against the bed covers.
Back downstairs, Mom follows me outside. “Now are you sure you have everything?”
“Yes, Mom,” I say as I shove my suitcase in my trunk and walk around to the driver’s door where she’s waiting expectantly.
“You better call me when you get there.”
“You know this isn’t the first time I’ve ever driven to college. I will. No worries.” I give her a big squeeze and slide into the driver’s seat. I roll down the window and turn the catchy pop music up.
“Don’t forget to stop and pick up your medicine,” Mom yells at the last minute as I start to drive away. I give her a thumbs up out the window.
Once out of our neighborhood and on the highway, I reach for my phone and click Cassie’s name in my contacts. I roll my windows up and the rings come through my car speakers until she picks up. “Hello?”
“Hey, what are you up to?” I hear her click off the music playing in the background.
“Just chilling in my room. You?”
“I’m headed back to Riverside, but I wanted to call and ask what was up with you in class today?” There are some muffled sounds as if she’s squirming uncomfortably. I let the silence stretch on as I watch the distant Appalachian Mountains fly by my windows.
“I don’t know why I acted like that,” Cassie’s small voice finally answers.
“You know, you choose to be there, no one makes you, so I know you want to learn. You shouldn’t act disrespectful. Church is a safe place.”
“You’re right. I guess I let some stress from home carry over today. I’ll be more attentive next week.”
“I know what it’s like to have other things going on inside, but don’t let them ruin the good stuff going on too.” I bite my lip, feeling a little hypocritical.
“Okay, I’ll work on it. Thanks for calling, Katie. It does mean a lot knowing someone cares.”
“Anytime. Call me if you ever just need to talk, and call Mrs. Barren to apologize,” I add sternly.
“I will. Catch you later.”
“Take care.” My thumb hits the end call button on my steering wheel and the upbeat music fills the air once again. Don’t let the bad ruin the good. I can do that.
And Cassie can too. She moved in with the Miller’s, a few houses down the street from mine during my senior year. Judy and Roy had two other foster kids that were going to college and I think they were dreading an empty home. Cassie had just started freshman year and was a bit of a troublemaker from what Mom had told me. Mrs. Barren asked me to befriend her to help her settle down.
As far as forced relationships go, this one went unexpectantly well. Cassie warmed up to me and even let me talk her into trying a few church lessons. She said she always looked up to her big brother and having me around felt comfortable and familiar. I was a rock for her.
Now, when I’m away at college, she starts acting up again. I think part of her is afraid she’s going to lose me like she lost her brother. Early on in foster care, he was adopted when she wasn’t, and she hasn’t been able to find him. I need to remember to call her more often to keep her grounded.
A small, humorless laugh escapes my lips. How is it that I can keep someone else grounded when I have no say over my own chaotic feelings? I need to take control.
...
Two hours later, I find an empty parking spot to pull into behind my dorm building. The large three-story structure casts shade over the parking lot as a few other cars pull in, all of them returning from their short weekend away. I grab my purse from the passenger seat and unload my suitcase from the trunk.
It’s nice to be back. I love home but I feel so independent and free here.
I ride the clunky elevator up to the top floor. When I unlock my dorm room door, I hear a shout from the far side of the room. “Welcome home roomie!”
I prop my suitcase up on my desk chair and walk over to Marie’s bed to give her a hug. She lays down the book she was reading and wraps her arms around me.
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I couldn’t have asked for a better roommate. Marie and I became instant friends when we were paired as roommates as freshmen last year. Her optimistic, bubbly, outgoing personality never has trouble making me smile. She is a few inches shorter than me with hazel eyes that pair perfectly with her red tinted brown hair that hangs down to her waist.
Thank goodness we get along because our dorm room is fairly small. Sliding door closets line one side of our short hall and the bathroom, the other side. In our main room, our bulky beds with built in drawers sit at opposite corners while our desks are pushed up against opposing walls. We each have our own decorative style, making it clear whose side is which. While mine reflects my colorful bedroom at home, Marie’s is adorned in darker, rustic colors.
“How was your weekend?” I ask absentmindedly as I send a quick text to Scotty and my mom, letting them know I’ve arrived safely. I begin to unpack my now clean clothes from my suitcase.
“What are you doing asking me about my weekend? I sat around here studying and you and I both know your weekend is what we should be talking about!” She watches me with genuine interest.
I laugh lightly. “There’s not too much to tell. Scotty and I just went on an incredible date and he gave me this.” I hold out my locket away from my neck.
Marie crawls out of bed and rushes over. “It’s beautiful!”
I blush. “It is, isn’t it?” I allow myself to trail off in my thoughts. I’m so lucky to have found Scotty. Or rather, to have been found by Scotty. It’s hard being away from him for so long but we’re both in college, working hard to create a stable life for ourselves, for our future. I had never focused as hard on my studies as I have after meeting him.
That reminds me.
“Oh! I have a Calculus test to study for! I have to do better on this one! Sorry, Marie, I’ll be back to talk later!” I snatch my Calculus book up off my desk and rush out the door.
One of my favorite places on campus is on the quad, right in the middle at the flagpole. I love to be outside to study, listen to music, or just people watch. I find it more relaxing than staying cooped up in my room or fighting for a comfy chair in the too quiet library.
I sit on the short brick wall surrounding the flagpole and prop my book open. In my notebook I begin to work through the sample problems. If I stay focused, I will understand this. Guitar strums drift across the breeze and lull me into a comfortable rhythm of problem solving. My ears tune out shouts and conversations so well that I almost don’t respond to someone speaking to me.
“Is this seat taken?”
Startled, I look up from my notes to a broad tan body shrouded in sunlight. I squint trying to make out a face, but what little I can see doesn’t look familiar.
“Umm… no.” I awkwardly slide sideways on the rough brick seating. I catch a glimpse around me and see that no one else is sitting on the wall. Why does he have to sit right next to me?
I try to steal a glance once he’s sat down out of the sun but he’s full on staring at me. Instead of looking away, I can’t help but to stare back. The stubble on his chin leads up his prominent jawline. His light brown hair lays in a I-just-got-out-of-bed style. Most striking are his green eyes that shine like dew kissed grass.
“I’m sorry for staring but you look so familiar. What’s your name?”
I continue to stare. Make words! I look away. “Uh, sorry, I’m Katie.” I allow myself another peek but this time his eyes look silver like the reflective blade of a knife. Must be the sunlight messing with my eyes.
“I thought that was you. You don’t recognize me, do you?” He slides closer and I fight the urge to slide backwards.
“Should I?” Something pulls at my memory, but I can’t quite grasp it.
“I’m Matthew. We went to middle school together.” He waits expectantly for recognition to kick in.
After a brief moment, my heart skips and my breath catches. Matthew and I had been so close when we were younger. He was my best friend. I couldn’t believe that this guy sitting beside me was really him. When I knew him, he was an awkward disproportional thirteen-year-old. Now…now one could call him hot. Or I could.
My eyes slip to his left arm. A gold bangle hangs loosely around his wrist. I scan his forearm for a long, faded scar that’s barely visible but I know where to look. I recall the day he bet me I couldn’t beat him on my bike down a rough trail at the park. Exposed tree roots and rocks made a speed run dangerous, but I wasn’t about to back down from a challenge. Even though he was winning the whole way, he kept glancing back to make sure I was okay. That caused him not to notice the rock his front tire hit. I let him wrap his arm up in my favorite pink Lion King jacket to stop the blood and we walked back to his house where his mom doctored him up and made us cookies.
Returning to the present, I look at him in awe. “I don’t know what to say… I can’t believe it!”
“How about you say yes to my next question?” Matthew flashes me a flawless smile and my heart jumps at how amazing he looks.
I stare at him without replying for a moment too long. My head stops swimming and I blink a few times before stammering, “W-what question would that be?”
“Let me take you out to dinner.” The way he phrases it isn’t at all like a question, but rather an opportunity I’d be crazy to pass up.
“You mean, like a date?” I blink a few times, stunned at his forwardness.
“If that’s what you want to call it.” His smile turns into a teasing one which only makes my heart pound harder.
“Okay, I mean… no. I mean, I can’t.” I trip over my words trying to get them straight, “I have a boyfriend.”
“Ah… I should have known as pretty as you are you wouldn’t be single.” His smooth voice makes my cheeks warm. “How about we go out to dinner and not call it a date?”
“I don’t know…” I try to think reasonably but with his silvery eyes looking me over it’s hard to concentrate.
His shoulders slump and his lower lip pokes out ever so slightly. “Aw, Katie, come on. It’ll be fun. We can catch up on lost years.” He looks up at me with heavily lashed eyes.
No part of me wants to say no. So, I don’t. “Okay, Mattie.”
CHAPTER THREE
“Would you like to come back to my room? You can meet my roommate. She’s the greatest.” I gather up my books and look at Matthew. He does look really good. It’s too bad he moved away; we could have had something.
What am I thinking? I have Scotty. Matthew is just my friend from the past. My brain doesn’t seem to be thinking clearly.
“Sure. That sounds perfect.” We start walking across the lawn back to my room. He places his hand on my lower back. I know I should pull away, but I don’t. It’s like the little voice in the back of my mind, the sane one, has taken a vacation.
“So, where have you been?”
“Originally North Carolina, but then some things happened, and I was on my own for a while. I found some new friends who showed me the world a little differently and that helped.”
“How so?” I find myself hanging on to every word, almost as if he was hypnotizing me. His smooth voice caresses my ears.
“I’ll let you know soon.” He drops the conversation and I’m left to puzzle over the reason why.
My steps quicken as we walk through the crowded main floor of my dorm building where hungry students stand in lines for food. Matthew’s gaze floats across a few faces like he’s looking for someone but keeps up with my hurried steps.
Back at my room I unlock my door and step in. Matthew follows and looks around. “Well you sure decorated the hell out of the walls.” He smirks at some of the Bible verses I printed out and taped up, but I pretend not to notice. Not everyone is religious, and I try to respect that.
Instead I blush. My dorm walls echo the ones back home as every blank space is occupied by photos, printed out quotes, and strings of colored lights. “I’m sorry, I like to be creative.” For a moment an awkward silen
ce hangs over us until I break it by addressing the obvious. “I guess Marie went to get food. I’m not sure when she will be back.”
Matthew turns his attention from studying one of my family photos back to me. “Well, isn’t that lucky? I’m sure we can find something to do to pass the time until she gets here.” His husky voice is suggestive, and I begin to feel a little uneasy.
“I told you, I have a boyfriend.” I watch him wearily and rub my palms against the sides of my pants.
“I know, Katie Cat. I’m not going to do anything you wouldn’t want me to.” He flops onto my bed and gestures for me to join him. “I’m only saying we can talk while we wait.”
My heart begins to beat even harder than before. I will my voice to sound strong. “Don’t call me that, please.” I sit on the edge of the bed. Why do I feel like this?
His deep green eyes drill into me and then with one blink they turn silver.
How does he do that?
Suddenly I don’t feel as nervous. The fear drains out of my body. What am I worried about? He’s my friend. He’s not going to hurt me. I lay on my side to face him. He doesn’t try to grab me or pull me in like my earlier fears led me to believe would happen. Instead, he lifts his hand to gently stroke my cheek. “I wish I could have found you sooner.”
Sooner? Before I had a boyfriend? Or before something else?
I place my hand over his. I fight the urge to bring it to my lips to kiss. Just friends. But I want more. All I have to do is surrender…
I feel myself leaning in…
And then the door clicks open. I bolt up into a sitting position out of Matthew’s reach, stunned. What am I doing?
Sacrificial Lamb (The Other Angels Book 1) Page 2
