by Rowan Massey
“I am!” he shouted. He made a fist and pounded his chest. “Any of us could drop dead. If that’s you, I need to have a job. If it’s me, Fiona gets some money from Dread. Did you know that? I want to take care of all of us. Same as you. I want to be a man now. It’s time for all of us to grow up. Maybe it’s time for all fielders to grow up and work at something. I mean, think about it. This whole time we were barely feeding ourselves, barely staying alive through hypothermia, infections, withdrawals, and all sorts of shit. If we hadn’t been listening to what the world thinks about us, we would have been working, man. I’m not doing it that way anymore. We need to start living smart.”
I’d had no idea he was thinking that way. After Manhattan, we’d talked endlessly about what had happened to me, to Veronica, Nando, but not about how Spitz or Fiona had felt without me. I didn’t know it had changed him so much.
“Okay,” I said, “I get it. Really. But Dread Red?”
“Nando said I wouldn’t even have to wear colors. They might not want me to. I would just be covering scars and the tat like when I work other little jobs.”
“Because they would be embarrassed of you,” I said. I wished I’d never done that for Doc. “We shouldn’t have to go around acting like we’re ashamed of something perfect.”
“Is it?”
“What?”
He turned his body to face me full on and look me in the eyes. I’d never seen such a dead serious stare coming from him.
No, he couldn’t be serious.
“Look at all the people we watched die, dude. How is that less dangerous than being in a gang? How is that less crazy? Sure, we feel better than they do, but like, what about the people that love us? Don’t you wish we had all our friends back? All the ones who dropped out here?”
I grabbed my pack from the cart and slung it onto my back, not knowing what I was doing. I just knew I needed to get away from him. My feet took me up the street, and he didn’t say a word. Fiona and Nando called after me. Fiona sounded worried, but it was Nando who ran and caught up with me.
“Why the fuck would you put that stupid idea in his head?” I snapped as soon as he got near me. He slowed just behind me and didn’t say anything. “Answer me!” I shouted.
“He asks me every fucking day if I’ve heard of any work,” he said, his voice steady. “I finally stopped lying and told him about the best work I know. He wants to get an apartment for him and his girl. A real apartment like mine. How am I supposed to tell him what to do?”
I spun around on him and shoved him in the chest.
“You should have talked to me first!” I said.
“Why? Are you the boss of your friends? I didn’t know you had to be told everything first. Jesus, calm down.”
“You should talk to me first because you’re my boyfriend!”
He threw his arms out to the side. “Well, now I know. I’m sorry.”
I put my hands up and turned around to keep walking. He followed me for a few minutes without trying to say anything, but then put a hand on my shoulder and stopped me.
“You know what,” he said, “I’m not sorry about this one. You have no idea what it’s like to be taken care of like a child when you know you’re better than that. You have no idea what Spitz feels like when you’re buying food for four people almost every day when he’s barely making three bucks a day. He wants to take care of himself and his girl. Live up to his potential.”
“No, that’s how you would feel. Spitz is my family. We’re like brothers. What’s mine is his and vice versa. We don’t get all weird about it.”
He let out a harsh laugh and rubbed his nose between his fingers. “Apparently one of you does get weird about it. Maybe you could try to understand.”
“Fuck you.”
I kept walking, but I’d have to face him once we got to his building. Good thing it was a ways to go on foot because even though I was always tired after a dance, I needed to let the anger out of my system with a good walk. Fuck’s sake though, what was wrong with me? I’d never really gotten mad. Not at anyone. But here I was walking away from my best friend because I was pissed off and shoving my boyfriend for his part in it.
So soon after a dance, it really sucked to feel bad again already. I rubbed my palm into my eye, not really paying attention to where I was going. Had it always been so easy to get thrown off at any time of day after a trip, or was it recent? Was it the problems I was having in life or was my body not working? It couldn’t be the batches we were on. Doc said he was doing all of them. If he didn’t trust one enough, he gave us our pills for the night. He spent his nights in the lab now instead of on the field.
But somehow, that ten I used to have for most of the day was gone. I felt the goodness right after a trip, and sometimes for hours, but not all day. I was usually just evened out, sometimes a little upset over Nando’s problems, but nothing extreme in either direction. It still wasn’t what I’d been used to just a month ago.
I was aware of Nando’s footsteps behind me. God, I was proud of him for keeping his cool. Sometimes he was irritable if his nightmares kept him awake or if the pain was so bad that his capital P Pain Pills weren’t really working. I tried to look back at him without him noticing, but he was already watching me.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I’m still mad at you,” I said, even though I wasn’t really.
He came to my side and put his arm around my waist. I did the same, and we walked that way until we got home.
As soon as we walked in the door, I grabbed a towel and headed for the shower to get the itchy mess off my face. Being clean all the time had gotten me spoiled, and I wasn’t used to the blood anymore. I stayed there until the water ran cold, imagining Spitz out following hookers around at night and hiding the tat I’d given him. Life was getting to be too much. There was always another change coming at me.
When I got back to Nando’s room, where I’d been paying some of the rent so that the landlady wouldn’t complain, I sat on the side of the bed and checked my phone, knowing I’d have a text from Spitz.
Spitz: we r gonna save the $ n stay outside. Found ok spot. Lets chil n talk tomorow.
They’d decided to give me space. I didn’t blame them. I texted back that I’d text them after I got to Doc’s the next day. Still not used to not seeing Spitz all day every day, it made me sad I wouldn’t see him at all until I went to the field.
“C’mere Skippy,” Nando said.
He was sitting up in bed with one of his worn-out chemistry books, wearing only boxers and memorizing some kind of chart. I went to the side of the bed against the wall, where I always slept, and rested my head on his shoulder.
“Tell me about your book,” I said. I liked to hear his voice and always tried to absorb some information in case it came in handy at work. Maybe I’d eventually impress the doc with some knowledge. Nando started talking, but the more he talked, the more I was distracted by the way his boxers showed off his legs. I fiddled with his leg hair, letting my hand go between his thighs, and hoped he was horny.
We hadn’t had anal sex again yet. Neither of us had mentioned it. We just stuck to doing other fun things. The night before, he’d asked me to finger him while I gave him a blow job, then he did the same for me while I jerked myself off. He couldn’t handle giving blow jobs anymore because of the pain, but he could lick and kiss my cock a little. I’d loved it. It had made me feel like I wouldn’t be afraid of trying anal again. I looked at his sexy crooked face and wondered if I should ask for it.
“You’re not paying attention,” he teased.
“I like your leg hair,” I said, making him laugh. “And your hair right here.” I touched the hair on his belly that led to his pubes. “I like all your hair.”
“I like yours too,” he said. He touched my chin and ran a finger over my upper lip. “Like this cute peach fuzz thing you have going.”
I slapped his hand away from my awesome facial hair. “I’m fucking manly!”
>
He hooked me by the back of my neck and kissed me. The pain must not have been too bad because he kissed me deep, moving his warm lips and tongue over mine until my breathing sped up. I shoved the heavy book off his lap and let it slam to the floor so I could straddle him. While he pulled my shirt over my head, I rolled my hips against his body until I could feel his hardening dick against me in just the right spot.
We kissed so much that I was started wondering if he was doing it despite the pain or if he really felt that much better. When I pulled away to ask him, he took my nipples in his hands and pinched, giving me a nice thrill just from the surprise. He’d never done that before. He kept massaging them, and pulling on them. I did the same to him, trying to making the same motions he was making.
“God, your noises are great,” he said, grinning. “I want to hear you while I finger you again. You want to?”
I always forgot I was making noise. And I wanted more than fingering. I really did. When I didn’t answer right away or do anything, he stopped and put his arms around my waist.
“Tell me what you want,” he said, almost whispering. “I’ll give you anything. We can be kinky or whatever you’re thinking up in that sexy as fuck head of yours.”
I put my mouth close to his ear.
“Fuck me,” I said. “Anal, I mean. I want it.”
He pulled me close and kissed me all over the side of my face and neck. When he put out foreheads together, he was smiling.
“You got it,” he said.
I moved off of him and rolled onto my back. Since it had felt good getting fingered in that position, I thought it was a smart idea instead of being on my stomach or hands and knees. Besides, I wanted to see his face while we did it.
Nando was grabbing lube and a condom from one of his endless boxes and bags under the bed. He took his boxers off, then my pants. It was still exciting to me to be naked in front of him and to watch the way his dick moved and grew. I liked the way he always looked at my dick like he was hungry for it.
He put the things on the sheets and moved over me until his legs were between mine, but he laid on top of me and kissed me before starting. I hugged him, feeling along the muscles and bones on his bare back.
“If you don’t end up liking it, don’t worry, okay?”
I nodded, wanting to get on with it.
“If it’s just not fun for you,” he went on, “we’ll try it the other way around and you can top me. I mean, who knows, maybe I’ll be into that.”
I raised my eyebrows and grinned. I would be asking about that whether I liked being the bottom or not.
After kissing me a few more times, he moved down to my cock, which was standing up, and kissed the top, then down along it until he got to my balls. He gently kissed those too, pulling the skin into his lips. I sighed, feeling a lot closer to a ten than I had earlier. The anger hadn’t lasted. I could still be my happy self.
His hands went under my knees, and he pushed my legs back. I pulled them up and watched what he would do next. I expected lube and the massaging of the outside he’d done when he fingered me before, but instead, he leaned down and kissed my hole, moving his tongue in a circle, then licking up and down. It felt so fucking good. I was moaning and relaxing into the sensations.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” I managed to say. “Your jaw… oh wow.”
He laughed. “I’m okay, babe.”
But he stopped and got the lube, putting just a little on his fingers before putting it on my ass. It was cold, and I flinched, but I kind of liked the shock. His finger pushed in, easy. He found the nice spot right away, and I started jerking off slowly.
“More,” I said before long, and he gave me another finger. I liked the stretch. I loved that it was him and his awesome hands that I liked holding and kissing. He pushed in with a long, slow rhythm. I pulled my legs up a little further and watched him push in all the way up to his knuckles, twisting his wrist a little bit while he moved. Biting his lip and watching my face, he put in a third finger, and I let my head drop to the pillow. I made noise so he’d know I was liking it. I kept imagining what his dick would feel like.
“Ready?” he asked. He was stroking his dick, but not enough to get himself close. He was just as excited for it as I was, but there was no craziness in his eyes. Nando was in control, watching my eyes, moving carefully.
I nodded, and he immediately picked up the condom and tore it open. After putting more lube on his dick, he got into position over me. I wrapped my legs around him and held onto his sides. We gave each other two quick kisses, smiling, and then he took his cock in his hand and pushed against my hole. I took a big breath, let it out, and closed my eyes for a second, wanting to focus on the feeling. He wasn’t pushing hard enough to get in.
I opened my eyes. “It’s okay,” I said. “Push harder.”
He did, and it slid in. I let out a bunch of short moans, closing my eyes tight. Afraid I sounded like I was in pain, I kept saying, “It’s good. It’s good. Keep going.”
And it really was good. My mind brought up memories of the last time, but I reminded myself we’d agreed to pretend we’d only kissed, and this was a different Nando. This was the Nando I’d seen in him in the beginning.
I could feel his hot breath against my face and chest. His body came in closer to me the deeper he got, until he was leaning on his elbows over me, pressing kisses onto my shoulders. I wasn’t in pain at all, it was just intense how full it felt.
“Breathe deep and relax a second,” he said.
“I’m fine. It feels good.” I smiled so he’d know I wasn’t lying.
“Do it anyway.”
So, to make him happy, I took some deep breaths and relaxed my hips, looking him in the eye. I’d never felt so close to him. The look in his eyes was caring and sexy. He was determined not to hurt me even a little.
He pulled out slowly until he only had the tip in, then went back in just as slow. My eyes rolled up in my head. It felt nice, but it was mostly the fact that I knew it was his dick inside me. I wondered what it felt like for him. He was closing his eyes now and then, moaning and pushing sighs of air onto my face.
“You’re so fucking tight,” he groaned. “I’m not gonna last if I get going.”
“Do it faster,” I said. “I don’t care how long it lasts.”
He sped up, but not too much. Pushing my legs back, he caught a nice angle to send electricity through my body. I used one hand to keep a leg pulled back, and another to start rubbing my dick. If he wasn’t going to last, I was going to jerk off fast and try to come around the same time.
For an awesome moment, he was fucking me a little faster every second, deep enough that his balls were slapping against my ass, and I started swearing loud enough for the neighbors to hear. This was what I’d wanted my first time to be like. But no, this was my first time. My real first time.
He slammed into me hard four or five times, enough that it hurt a little, but not enough for me to care because the look on his face was incredible when he came. I fucking loved that face. It got me closer to my own orgasm. He kept pumping until his dick stopped throbbing inside me, then slowly pulled out and got rid of the condom, breathing hard.
I let my legs fall limp to the bed, but kept jerking off. He moved between my legs again and took over, putting his fingers back inside me. His hand moved fast over the skin of my dick while he curved his fingers inside to keep me shouting. I didn’t know he could be that coordinated.
When I came, he leaned down and put his mouth over the head of my dick. My hips jerked into his mouth, and I watched some of it drip from his lips. He’d done that before, and I loved watching it.
Limp and happy, I laid there smiling at the ceiling. My ass felt insane, and I remembered that it would feel weird for while. I wondered how long, since it hadn’t hurt me. I was imagining all the time we had to do tons of fucking. Nando could bottom or not. I’d be happy with his dick in me any time. God, it was nice.
He was wiping at
his lips with his hand and licking the cum up.
“What do I taste like?” I asked.
“Rainbows and sunshine,” he said.
I put my arms out and he cuddled into my chest, resting his head under my chin. We didn’t need to say anything. It had been awesome, and we were happy.
Chapter Nineteen
“What? Are you for real?” I didn’t mean for it to come out whiny, but actual rats stinking up the lab all day, crapping constantly for me to clean up, wasn’t my idea of fun.
“They’re white mice,” he said, handing me a clipboard and heading for the stairs to the first floor. “Taking care of them will be the most important thing you’ve ever done here. I don’t care if you like it. Just make sure you follow my instructions exactly.”
I followed him up the steps, my body already feeling heavy from the gross work I’d be doing. Living on the streets hadn’t made me friendly towards rats and mice. I liked cats for eating them.
We met a guy at the back door who had on a dirty white uniform with a sciency logo.
“Dr. Sardana? It’s so nice to meet you finally.” He put out a rough hand for Doc to shake. “London mentions you sometimes. I’m glad you decided to use our services. We’ll do everything we can to meet your standards. I don’t know if you’re aware of everything we offer, but we have all sorts of animals bred with a high level of attention, including rabbits, apes—”
“Let’s unload them,” Doc interrupted. “This is Wally, my assistant. He’s never handled live animals for me before, so keep an eye on him today.”
I crossed my arms. He was making me sound like a dummy. How hard could it be to deal with a bunch of mice, not even wild ones? They were probably tame.
There were two small trucks in the alley, and we headed towards the one in front. There was a second driver hanging around smoking and ignoring us. When the first guy unlocked and opened the back doors, I didn’t expect good smells, but I still took a step back to get away from it. Climbing up into the truck, the guy kept talking.
