Susan looked down at her hand, the one he’d covered with his, and pulled it away like it had shocked her. How could she wish for another man’s touch? She was disgusted with herself.
“I’m fine,” she said, staring past Tim’s head now. She couldn’t look at him anymore. She couldn’t look at him and wonder what it would be like to let him hold her close, to let him help her feel safe again. She just couldn’t.
“I’d appreciate it if you could move your stuff out now. That way tomorrow you can devote all of your efforts to helping your guys get acquainted with the ranch on their first day. Besides, I think it would be good if you were gone by the time Cody comes home,” Susan said.
Tim nodded, then stood. “You got it. I’ll be out of your hair in no time.”
Susan looked up at him. A piece of her wanted to reach out and grab his hand so she could pull him back down next to her. She needed a friend right now. She desperately wanted to talk to Tim and tell him all about her life. How Clarence had saved her, and how they’d built this beautiful life together, and how he’d gone and left her alone with it. She wanted to explain how hard she’d worked to keep it beautiful, and how hard it was to realize that despite her efforts, it hadn’t been enough. Because of her, their dream was disintegrating right before her eyes, and Tim was the only one who could stop the destruction.
She knew opening up like that would be the first step in her falling for him though, and she’d promised herself she wouldn’t allow that. So, she let him walk out of her room, and down the hall, and down the stairs to gather up his things. And once he’d packed up, he would walk right out the door, and she could forget about the longing she had for someone to make her feel human again, for someone to truly see her.
The empty house that was dedicated for the ranch manager felt cold and lonely compared to Susan’s family home. Tim hauled his stuff in, thankful that he’d only had time to unpack a few of his clothes and that he hadn’t emptied his boxes of books and memorabilia yet. Not knowing if this would be a permanent arrangement, and hoping that it wouldn’t be, he decided to unpack only the essentials again.
He carried the boxes into an empty room and stacked them in a corner, then took the luggage that held his clothes into the only room with bedroom furniture. The entire place was sparsely furnished with only the necessities, and most of it looked second hand.
A worn couch and television stand in the living room, a small table and chairs in the kitchen. In the bedroom there was a queen mattress and box spring on a simple frame with no headboard, and one dresser. He’d at least need to get a nightstand and a lamp somewhere so he could read.
“Hey, boss.”
Tim started at the unexpected voice so badly that he thought he was going to have a heart attack. He turned around to see Charlie, one of his hands, standing in the doorway of the bedroom. “Gosh dang it, Charlie. What are you doing in here? You scared me half to death.”
“Sorry. I saw the lights from the road so I pulled up to see who was in here, and when I saw your truck out front I decided to let myself in. It wasn’t locked,” Charlie said.
“Well, a knock still would have been nice.” Tim unzipped his luggage and started hastily making piles of shirts, pants, and underwear.
“What are you doing in here? Didn’t work out with the Misses?”
Tim stiffened, and paused his sorting. He turned around to face Charlie, still holding a T-shirt. “Everything with Susan is fine. Thanks for asking. It’s her son, Cody. He doesn’t want me around and Susan’s trying to help him adjust to the changes.”
Charlie looked down at his boots. “Dang, boss. I’m sorry. I’m sure this has been hard for you. It’s difficult to be around people who’ve lost a loved one. When my sister’s husband died, I never knew what to say, or how to act around her. I can’t imagine marrying someone you don’t even know whose going through the same thing.”
Tim turned around and threw the shirt down into the proper pile. “Yeah, it’s hard, but I’m glad I’m here. Susan is really struggling. She hasn’t talked to me about it much, but I can tell. She’s always on the verge of tears and she looks like she’s carrying around a backpack full of bricks. On top of it all, she’s also trying to help her kids cope.”
“Well, I didn’t mean to bother you. I was just curious who was in here. I haven’t seen lights on in this house since we arrived. The bunk house is nice, though. I think the other guys really like it. Feels kind of like home,” Charlie said.
“Home?”
Charlie chuckled. “Yeah, like Firestone Falls. We all lived in the bunk house there too, so it feels familiar.”
It was funny, Tim hadn’t thought of Firestone Falls as home since the moment he’d said, ‘I do.’ Maybe Susan wasn’t ready to open up, but he’d made a commitment that day, and from then on he would only be at home if he was with her. She was a grieving, pregnant widow with two grieving sons, but they were his family now. “I’m glad,” he said to Charlie.
“All right, well, I better get back. The boys have some burgers on the grill and we’re having a cornhole tournament tonight. Gotta live it up a little before the work starts.”
Tim turned around. “Thanks for checking on the lights. It was good to see a familiar face. I don’t know how to help this new family of mine, and it’s hard coming to terms with the fact that I might not be able to.”
“Like I said, I don’t envy the position you’re in, but if anyone knows what the right thing to do is, it’s you. You always make good decisions.” Charlie adjusted his white cowboy hat a little. “You have a good day, boss. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”
“Yeah, you too. See ya.” Tim watched as Charlie turned and walked away, and he stayed there for a minute, staring at the empty doorway. He didn’t have as much confidence in his ability to help Susan, Cody, and Adin as Charlie did, but he knew if he always tried to do right by them, to think about what they were going through, and to put their needs before his own, he probably couldn’t mess it up too badly.
On Monday, Susan woke up at four o’ clock in the morning unable to fall back to sleep. She tossed and turned until five, but then decided if she was awake, she might as well get up and be productive. She got dressed, and went in her bathroom to brush her teeth and do her hair. While she was brushing her teeth, a sudden wave of nausea struck and she ran to the toilet. There wasn’t a lot in her stomach, as she hadn’t been able to eat much the night before, but her body found a way to rid itself of what little was in there.
After she cleaned herself up, and brushed her teeth again, she studied herself in the mirror. She’d barely glanced at her reflection over the past few months, and it was almost as if she was seeing her pregnant body for the first time. She ran her hands over her round stomach, then turned to the side so she could get a better view.
It was hard to believe that amongst all the darkness death had spread over her life, there was still some light. The baby inside of her was still growing, and her body was still doing what was asked of it to create this new little life, despite how her grief was shutting down her desire to continue on. It was miraculous, truly. And as she stared at her changing body, tears filled her eyes.
She hoped that even though she couldn’t see the other end of the tunnel she was in, God was still looking out for her, and guiding her way through. She hoped that He was still changing and shaping her even though she’d checked out, and that one day she’d be able to stop for a moment and reflect back and see the beauty in what He’d created. That He had worked in her to make new life, just as her body was working to create this baby.
Susan wiped her tears and took a deep breath. She brushed her hair, straightened her shirt, then headed to the kitchen to fix some food for her and the boys. Tim had created quite the craving for pancakes with his breakfast service the morning before, maybe they would once again ignite her appetite which seemed to have gone dormant since he left.
“Tim texted me and told me he’s sending Andy, one of his hands, to pic
k you up at seven today. You’ll be fixing fences with him in the southeast pasture today,” Susan said as the boys scraped up the last of the food on their plates.
“How long do we have to work?” Cody asked.
“I don’t know. Until Andy says it’s time to go. I plan on having dinner ready at six-thirty, so if he hasn’t brought you by then I’ll tell Tim to bring you home.”
“What about lunch?” Adin whined.
Susan stood and grabbed two lunch bags off the counter, then set one by each of her sons. “Lunch.”
She’d made both boys two sandwiches, and filled the bags with as many snacks as she could find around the house. She really needed to go grocery shopping. She could have sworn she just went, but the boys were eating food at an alarming rate this summer.
“Thanks, Mom,” Adin said.
Susan rubbed Adin’s back. “Yep. Any more questions?”
Adin shook his head, but Cody spoke up. “Yeah, what are you doing today?”
“Tim and I are going to start sorting through the ranch finances and see what we can figure out,” Susan said.
Cody rolled his eyes, then grabbed his lunch bag and stood up.
“Hey! Put your plate in the dishwasher. Just because you’re mad at me doesn’t mean you get to start living like a slob. And Tim hasn’t done anything to you for you to act this way. He’s not staying here anymore. You need to get over your attitude about him,” Susan said.
“He’s trying to replace Dad, and I’m not just going to stand by and let him do it,” Cody said as he slammed his lunch bag back on the table and grabbed his dirty plate. Susan grabbed his hand as he walked past her to put it in the sink.
“Cody, he’s not trying to replace your father. He’s just trying to help us. And I asked him to do that. So please, cut him some slack?”
Cody stared at her for a moment, and Susan saw the tiniest bit of softness enter his eyes just before he pulled his hand away. “I don’t have to like him,” he said as he came back to the table to grab his lunch bag.
Susan nodded. “You’re right. You don’t have to like him, but you will be respectful, and you will be courteous. Do you understand me?”
Cody looked at the floor. “Yes ma’am.”
“Good.” Susan said, tilting her chin up. “Now, go get your boots on. Andy will be here any minute.”
“Knock, knock,” Tim said as he pushed open the front door to Susan’s house. It had been cracked open when he arrived, but he didn’t want to catch her off guard.
“Oh, come in,” she said as she walked into the front room from the kitchen. She was wiping her hands on an apron that had something good printed on it in large black type. “I was just finishing up the breakfast dishes. Follow me.”
Tim took off his cowboy hat and set it on the couch, then followed Susan back to her home office. When she pushed open the door, Tim grimaced. There were stacks of papers on every surface. Envelopes that had been torn open. Envelopes that hadn’t been touched. Open folders scattered about, and sticky notes posted to the wall, the desk and around the computer monitor.
Susan ran her fingers through her long red hair. “I’m sorry it’s such a mess, but yeah, this is why I need your help. It feels so overwhelming to me. I can’t even come in here without feeling the anxiety creep up the back of my neck. I feel like someone’s sitting on my chest whenever I even think about trying to deal with all of this.”
“I can see why,” Tim said as he pushed some papers around. “All right let’s see. Is there a trash can in here? I think the best way to start is by getting rid of what we don’t need,” he said.
“Good idea,” Susan said. She pushed the black rolling-chair under the computer desk, then reached over a few boxes and pulled out a white trash bin. “Here it is.”
“Great, so I’ll just hold stuff up and you tell me if you think we need it or not,” Tim said.
Susan nodded, biting her lip.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m not going to leave you alone with this mess. We’re going to get through this together.”
Susan nodded again.
Tim didn’t tell her he was talking about so much more than the messy office, though.
“Are you hungry?” Susan asked after they’d been sorting through papers for a few hours. They’d narrowed everything in the room down to two neat stacks, and the next step was to log in to their bank accounts online and start figuring out which bills to pay first.
“I am,” Tim said, pulling closed the two garbage bags they’d filled with papers.
Susan hoisted herself out of the rolling chair. “All right, why don’t I go make us a couple of sandwiches while you take those out to the burn barrel. We can eat in here and I’ll show you how to gain access to all of the ranch’s accounts.”
“Sounds good,” Tim said as he followed her out the door.
A few minutes later they were back in the office, sandwiches in hand. “I really appreciate your help,” Susan said. “I don’t know if I’ve told you since you got here, but I mean it. Everything feels so different since you arrived. I finally feel hopeful that we can turn things around.”
“I’m happy to be here so you don’t have to try to do this alone anymore,” Tim replied.
Susan set her sandwich down on her plate. “I’m really sorry I had to make you move out, but I appreciate you being a good sport about it. I think Cody is upset because he wants me to be happy, but he also doesn’t want to feel like someone can come in here and replace his father. Besides, I think he was trying to do his best to be the man of the house, and you showing up made him feel like he failed.”
“Makes sense. I’m sure I would have felt the same way if this would’ve happened to my mom when I was his age. What happened to your husband? If you don’t mind me asking.” Tim hoped Susan would take this opportunity to open up to him. He hadn’t tried to talk about any of this before, but he wanted to get to know her better, and he couldn’t do that without discovering where she’d started, and what she’d been through to end up here.
Susan took a deep breath. “I had been at the elementary school that day, helping in Adin’s classroom, when our old ranch manager called. He said there had been an accident and that I needed to meet him and Clarence at the hospital. I grabbed Adin and we rushed over, but by the time we arrived Clarence was gone.” She paused for a moment, and her breathing became more labored as she started to cry. “He’d been bucked off of one of our older geldings. He was such a good horse, but was starting to get spooked by random things as he aged, and he dumped Clarence on his head. He happened to land on a rock, and by the time the ranch manager found him, then called an ambulance, Clarence was in bad shape. He’d suffered a massive head injury, and—”
Susan choked on a sob, so Tim moved around to her side so he could stroke her back as she finished the story. “Cody was still in school since I’d rushed straight to the hospital with Adin. When we got to the hospital they told me he’d bled to death before they’d even been able to do anything. I fell to my knees right there in front of the nurses’ station. I’ve never cried so hard in my entire life. I felt like something was shredding my insides.”
Tim couldn’t just pat Susan’s back nicely at this point. The woman was completely falling apart as she relived the memories of the day her life as she knew it ended. It was clear that Clarence’s death had redefined who she was. Tim wrapped both of his arms around her, and Susan let her head fall forward onto his shoulder. She was straining to breathe through her tears, and Tim wished he knew something to say that would make her feel better.
“I’m not going to promise you this will hurt less in the future. I have no idea how long it takes to move on from losing a spouse, or if you ever really do. Sometimes I think my old boss, Tommy, had a heart attack that took his life because deep inside he just want to be reunited with his wife. He carried on after she passed, but he was never really the same. I don’t expect you to forget about Clarence—not ever. Not for our whole liv
es. But I’ll be here when you need to talk about him, and I’ll hold you while you cry. That’s what I can offer you. That’s what I can promise.”
There began to be longer lulls between Susan’s whimpers, and her breathing started to become less huffy. Eventually she sat up and wiped her swollen, red eyes.
“I’ve been praying for a friend, someone who could bear this loss with me. I had hoped that you could be that person, but I was also scared to believe that someone could step in and truly understand. I was afraid I was asking too much.”
Tim shook his head. “It’s weird how Dr. Lachele knows who to put together. I’m not sure if she knew about Tommy’s wife dying, but I feel like I was prepared by that experience to be the person you needed in your life right now. I’m glad I can be here for you, and I meant what I said. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear. Always.”
Susan put her arms around his neck, her big brown eyes full of trust locked on his. “I’m glad you’re here, too.”
Six
“How was your day, boys?” Susan asked Adin and Cody over dinner. They had walked in a few minutes earlier looking dirty and beat up. She’d sent them to the bathroom to wash up while she set the table, and now they were all sitting down to eat. It had been a long time since they’d had this kind of normalcy in their lives, but she was grateful for the renewed energy she’d received this past week.
Adin’s eyes became bright, his eyebrows arching up. “It was great. I really like working with Andy. He’s made this week go by so fast! And today, Tim showed up after lunch to help us. I started getting really hungry, and he pulled out a couple of candy bars for Cody and me. It was so nice.”
Susan smiled at her son’s excitement. She hadn’t realized how much of the heaviness she’d been carrying had been due to the fact that she’d had so many outstanding debts and been so overwhelmed by the ranch finances. Now that she’d pay off all the hands she’d owed money to, and gotten their accounts current, she felt like she could breathe again.
Besotted in Branson: An At the Altar Story Page 5
