by Debra Holt
When his leg moved between hers, his knee making room, she welcomed him, trying to not stiffen as she felt his length make an entrance. “That’s it, sweetheart,” the words were whispered hot and heavy against her ear. Her palms increased their hold on his shoulders. “Just relax a bit.” He filled her slowly and completely. Josie reveled in the feeling of having him inside her. The small amount of pain involved registered only for a second.
With her name whispered as both a prayer and a soft plea, he began to move inside her, her hips joined in natural response. Nails dug into the flesh along his upper back as he took them both on a mounting race to an incredible and frenzied climax. Her soft cry muffled against his shoulder as shudder upon shudder rocked from his body to hers and back. His mouth claimed hers in a kiss that sealed their last breath together. Just when she thought her lungs would burst, Chance rolled them both to their sides, his arms gathering her close, his lips continuing to place light kisses into the top of her hair, as her cheek came to rest on his solid chest. Beneath her ear, his fast-beating heart could only be matched by her own. A sheen of fine moisture on the hard planes of his chest and stomach resulted from the fevered pitch of their lovemaking. They lay spent for several long moments, each trying to regain control of breathing and emotions.
“Are you okay?” Chance’s whispered inquiry seeped into her foggy brain.
She didn’t trust her voice, so she simply nodded her head against his chest.
“I’m sorry, Josie. I hadn’t planned on this happening quite like this. I didn’t want to take advantage of …”
Josie didn’t want to hear any more. Chance was sorry it had happened…he had been disappointed. After all, she was a virgin. Or had been. What did she know about pleasing any man? She just didn’t want to hear him say what she knew to be true. Moving from his side, she rolled away and managed to grab the throw at the bottom of the bed, wrapping it around her body as she stood. “There’s no need to dissect what happened. You’re sorry and so am I. We just got carried away. Just let it be.”
She made it to the safety of the bathroom and finally took a breath as she leaned against the locked door at her back. Biting her lip, she moved to the shower and turned it on full blast. Only after she stepped inside and closed the door, did she finally allow the tears to flow.
There were two reasons that she stood crying under the hot spray. Chance had apologized, when it had clearly been her own inadequacy that had disappointed. Of course, she hadn’t satisfied him. The second reason brought the true pain. She had given her heart to Chance and now he had her body as well. Yet she had nothing of his. Not really. The joke was on her. She was in love with the man she married. How much worse could things get?
Chapter Fifteen
Leaving the ranch and the crew behind, Chance finally headed his horse toward the open range. He figured it was the best course of action for everyone’s sake within a mile of him. He was in no mood to talk to anyone, let alone have patience for the myriad of problems waiting for him as the day began. Tired of the looks cast his way by the foreman and the questioning gazes of the hands as they steered a wide path around him, he knew it was best for him to distance himself.
Reaching a stock tank, its windmill cranking in the breeze, Chance drew his horse up, pushed his hat back on his forehead, and took a deep breath of the chilled morning air. After spending a sleepless night, he had risen and left the house long before daybreak. He was used to being in charge, to knowing what needed to be done and how to resolve problems. However, he had no idea how to solve the mess he had apparently made of things with Josie and their situation.
It had started when he walked in to the house and found his brother making a pass at his wife. He saw red and he wanted to throw Dev off the ranch, after beating him senseless. Yet, he hadn’t done either. Proud of his being able to control his desire to inflict bodily harm on his sibling, he had not, however, been able to control the urge to kiss Josie, and things suddenly had really gotten out of control.
With long hours on his horse and cold showers over the days since they had become engaged, he had managed to keep himself in control and not act upon the desire to force things intimately between him and Josie. He had told her he would not do that. But he should have known better that such a promise couldn’t last. Not given how he felt about her. The fact that he did ask her if she wanted to make love with him last night and she had said yes, did nothing to salve his conscience or alleviate his self-loathing.
The fact that Josie had still been a virgin was something he should have kept in mind, and he had done so, until her responses drove him beyond the point of all sane thought. At least he had enough control to think to use a condom. He wanted children…a legacy…with Josie. But only when Josie was ready…and was able to give him her heart completely.
Chance wanted to do nothing but give them both incredible pleasures once he realized he was far from the point of calling a halt to things. Afterwards, he tried to apologize for his behavior, but she brushed it aside and admitted that she was sorry it had happened at all. The fact that Josie regretted their lovemaking was a gut blow. It felt like a cold knife going through his insides, and he had no clue what to do to make it better. So he did nothing.
When she had finally emerged from the bathroom, he pretended to be asleep. Nothing was further from the truth. When she slid beneath the sheets, turned her back to him, and then stayed glued to the far edge of their bed, the knife twisted more.
Chance wished he had never agreed to her mother’s wishes. As much as he wanted to help and to stay close to Josie, it was turning into a mess. How could he possibly have thought he could make Josie see him as anything other than a problem to be endured for the sake of saving what she really loved…her family’s ranch? All he had managed to do was to scare her off and make things worse.
He had done everything possible to let her see his feelings. Except coming right out and telling her that he was in love with her. That he wanted nothing more than to live the rest of his days with her. He could have added that he had probably loved her since she was the scraggly kid following after him and acting like a silly fool over his brother. He was the boss. He was the man who led, and others followed, and he never looked back or second-guessed his decisions. Until Josie.
He could admit it to his horse and to the wide-open spaces, but when it came to saying the words to the woman herself, he always held back. Chance knew he was afraid…afraid of losing her altogether, of scaring her off for good…of possibly sending her flying into his brother’s arms.
Now he had managed to do that with a thoughtless loss of control. He had made matters worse. He had scared her off, but he had also made his need of her worse. If he allowed himself to dwell on how she had looked and felt and tasted the night before, the ache deep inside him would only grow more painful. Somehow, he had to keep his feelings in check and find a way to continue to get through each day with Josie. Chance had no idea how to accomplish that. No problem had ever gotten the best of him, but it would take considerably more thought how to solve this one.
*
“Aren’t you looking pretty today?” Myrna Davis made the comment as she accepted the package handed to her across the post office counter.
The comment threw Josie’s concentration off for a moment. So much so, she had to erase what she had written on the ticket and begin again. “Thank you, Myrna.” She had no idea what else to say. She was dressed in her usual ranch work clothes and heavy jacket. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail with her hat jammed on top.
“Must be that marriage agrees with you,” the woman continued. “You have that new bride glow about you.” Then Myrna gave a wink along with a wide grin. “And you’re blushing, too.”
Josie quickly pushed the paperwork toward the woman, wanting to be away from her. She was aware that others in line behind her were smiling and turning attention in her direction. She might as well have a huge neon sign above her head or something. “Josie had grea
t sex last night.” Quickly, she bid the woman good afternoon and did not venture any further glances in anyone else’s direction as she made her exit from the post office.
Her next stop was the bank. Hopefully, she wouldn’t be subjected to any further comments of a personal nature. Ted Vickers, the assistant bank manager, stepped up to the counter as she approached.
“How are you today, Mrs. Braxton?”
Josie stopped for a moment, her mind having to quickly grasp the fact that this was the first time anyone in a professional capacity had actually addressed her by her married name. It caused a flurry of butterflies in the pit of her stomach. She thought it was a rather strange reaction to something so mundane. Except it wasn’t mundane; it was all part of her very surreal new life. A new life in which she had no clue how to adjust.
“I’m fine, Mr. Vickers. I wanted to deposit this check into my account, please.” She handed the paper over to the man.
“Certainly. Which account would you like it in?”
“Which account?” Josie blinked a moment, her mind wrapping around his question.
“Yes…your personal account or the ranch account?”
“My personal account?”
“The account that was opened last week.”
Josie had forgotten what Chance had said about opening an account for her at the bank. “Just place it in the ranch account, please.”
The man completed the transaction within a couple of minutes. He handed the deposit slip back to her. “I jotted down the new account and its balance on the back of this ticket for you, in case you haven’t received your new card yet.”
Josie took the paper and thanked him. As she reached the sidewalk, she opened her bag and went to slip the paper inside. She paused and flipped the deposit slip over and noted the account number, along with what had to be a huge mistake. She turned immediately and retraced her steps to the counter. The man looked at her and smiled.
“Another transaction so quickly?”
“I’m afraid there has to be a mistake on the amount you wrote on the ticket for the new account. Could you please verify that?”
The man punched in some numbers on his computer screen and read the information. He looked at the written amount and back to the screen. He nodded his head. “That balance is correct.”
Josie slowly withdrew the slip from the counter, thanking him for his time. She turned and left the bank. Not until she was seated inside the ranch truck did she look at the deposit ticket again. The amount was more than they had ever made in an entire year of ranching. Chance had simply deposited it in the bank for her. She knew the Braxtons were well off, but until that moment, she had never been faced with the enormity of it all.
Of course, she had no intention of ever touching the money in that account. She had never been a female who needed much. A pair of good boots, sturdy coat, a few pairs of jeans and work shirts. Then again, as Chance’s wife, she might have to dress up a few times. No matter what, the money would sit there. She’d get by on what was left after the ranch bills were paid.
At the outskirts of town, Josie slowed the truck and pulled off the highway into the parking lot of the church. Passing the building, she pulled in and parked next to the stone wall which encircled the cemetery. The tall pecan trees were stark skeletons without their leaves now that winter was upon them. As she stepped from the truck cab, she was met by an immense sense of peacefulness with the breeze rustling across the dry leaves under her feet causing the only sound heard. Now and then, a vehicle passed by on the highway on the other side of the buildings, but, other than that, it was quiet in this spot, with limitless views of the surrounding ranch lands and the distant mesas.
Josie carried the small bouquet of yellow and orange chrysanthemums toward the newest headstone in the cemetery. Seeing her mother’s name carved next to her father’s still gave her a jolt. She wondered how long that reaction would continue. Josie withdrew the withered bouquet from the metal vase holder on the stone and replaced it with the fresh flowers. The spot of color was pronounced against the grayness of the surroundings. Brushing away leaf debris from the marker, she finally stood and looked around her.
“It’s an awfully quiet spot here, Momma. You always did like it, though. It’s strange talking to you like this, but it feels right, too. You probably know that the ranch is going okay. We have a nice herd of pregnant cows for the spring. There will be lots of newborns to fuss over.” Josie smiled as she said that, remembering how her mother always enjoyed seeing the first calves of the season. How many weak ones had she and her mother nursed on a bottle, often in front of the stove in the kitchen on cold nights, trying to save each little one? Too many to remember.
The smile left her face. How she wished her mother could give her the advice she sought. “I don’t know what to do about Chance. I so wish you were here to tell me. I agreed to this arrangement to save the ranch. I know you and daddy always wanted us to get together, but it’s not going to work. It’s just a mess. You knew what it took me so long to figure out? I love him, Momma. And it’s all a mess.” Her voice broke on the last words and her throat burned all of a sudden. She blinked hard to keep tears from falling.
“He doesn’t love me; not like I want him to. How could he? All I ever talked to him about was how much I loved his brother. But I didn’t…not really. I see that now. I’m just a responsibility, and Chance feels he needs to watch out for me. What happens when he wakes up and realizes that he wants someone a lot prettier and smarter than me to spend the rest of his life with? What if he decides he can’t do it and wants out? I’ve been really mean to him so many times, so I can’t blame him.”
Josie wished she could close her eyes tight enough and listen close enough, and maybe some divine intervention would allow an answer to cross her heart. There was only silence. She drew in a deep breath and then slowly expelled it. She was on her own.
“I’ll leave you and Dad in peace now. I’m a grown woman and I’ll handle whatever comes. You taught me to do that. I miss you so much and love you both.”
Slowly, she walked back to the truck. With a final look toward the graves, she turned on the engine and headed toward the highway. Taking things one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, was the only option she had. She could do that. Someday, maybe it all wouldn’t hurt so much.
*
Tom was coming out of the barn as Josie pulled into the drive and parked. He paused at the corner of his own truck as Josie stepped out of hers.
“We completed the replacement of the wellhead on tank three. The boys also managed to get the last part of the roof replaced on the hay barn that blew off in the rainstorm the other night.”
“Good. Thanks for the hard work today. I know Mary probably has a hot supper ready for you, so go enjoy.”
“I plan to do just that,” Tom replied, opening the door of the truck. He stopped for a moment. “Almost forgot. Chance said to give you the message that he had some things to take care of over at his place, and then he would just grab something to eat over there. He might be late.”
Josie kept her smile even and nodded her head. “Thanks for letting me know. ‘Night!”
Tom tossed his hand in the air in parting, and she headed toward the house. Once inside, she turned on a couple of lamps in the living room before going upstairs to change clothes. She tried to not look too closely at the fact that Chance was obviously intent on putting some distance between them. After the events of the night before, his absence only punctuated the words she recalled him saying—he was sorry they had made love.
That was fine. She was a big girl. She could handle the rejection. Although, as naïve as she might be in the ways of intimacy between a man and woman, she could have sworn that Chance felt something for her. At least, something more than just responsibility. Looking in her vanity mirror, as she combed her hair, gathered it up, and secured it on top of her head, she wished she possessed the confidence other girls had in relationships. While othe
r girls spent their time discussing boys and getting their hair and nails done, she had been following along behind Chance or learning how to run a ranch from her father.
It was useless to try to be something she wasn’t. There wasn’t any need to try and look nicer. Chance wasn’t going to be home. She pulled on a pair of comfy blue and white checked sweatpants, topped with a soft navy sweatshirt.
Padding downstairs in thick socks, she moved about the kitchen, finally opening a can of chicken noodle soup. Once the soup was heated, she poured it into a bowl and added a glass of cold milk. A TV tray in the living room served as a dining table. Josie ate her meal and half listened to the newscaster on her television, realizing this would be her daily routine in the years ahead. That thought chased her appetite away. Josie turned the channels, trying to find a program that would keep such thoughts away. Borrowing trouble from tomorrow never did anyone any good. That had been another pearl of wisdom from her mom. It was true. Tomorrow would come no matter what, and she would face it. Alone.
Chapter Sixteen
The smell of bacon drifted up the staircase and met Josie as she stopped at the top of the stairs. Evidently, Chance had come in late last night, after she had gone to bed and fallen asleep. The last time she had looked at the alarm clock, it had read just a little after one in the morning. He had not woken her when he came to bed. The only evidence she saw that he had appeared at all was the fact that his dirty clothing was in the clothes hamper in the corner of the bathroom.
Josie ran a quick hand over her hair, securing a loose strand into the barrette that held the soft mass away from her face. To bolster herself, she had applied a light bit of makeup and some lip gloss, along with the soft green sweater and newer jeans. It was a feeble attempt to boost her confidence. She knew that Chance probably wouldn’t even notice, but it was time she took notice of her attire and other feminine things. If she hoped to ever attract a potential partner in life, such things would be necessary evils. By the time she reached the kitchen doorway, she had a smile on her face and hoped she looked a lot more natural than she felt.
