But before leaving, Adam said to Emily, "Jesse and I will go see Great-Grandma Maureen's cat and meet you at my house."
Emily started to go through her litany of reasons why she should still not go—a headache, which she didn't have, or needing to wash clothes, which she'd rinsed out the night before, or fake menstrual cramps, which Adam knew she never got, although she could claim that things had changed. But Adam was standing and holding Jesse and looking hopeful as he waited for her response, a simple acknowledgement.
"I'll be there, maybe a little late," she finally said. "It's going to be awkward walking in by myself though."
"Then Jesse and I will come back for you," Adam said. "Meanwhile, we're going to go pet the cat." Jesse smiled and curved his arms around Adam's neck.
And Emily's eyes filled with tears. It happened a lot now, just seeing Jesse happy for the first time in his life. And Adam too. He didn't smile at her so much, but he did with Jesse, and that smile of Adam's could melt any little boy's heart.
Of all her regrets, not having Adam with her during Jesse's birth was probably the biggest. Initially, Erik acted like a devoted husband and expectant father, but before long the other side of him began to emerge, not because she was having Adam's son because it had not yet been established yet, but because Erik was laying down the foundation of what was to come.
First was the issue of childbirth classes, a twice a week commitment she was ready to make, which would give her a chance to be with other pregnant women. Until then she'd been isolated from women, but she hadn't realized it yet because Erik had a daily regimen he expected her to meet. These weren't demands, she'd managed to convince herself, just duties a new wife was obligated to carry out. But childbirth classes were completely unnecessary, Erik insisted. All she needed was him. So he set up a program of exercises he expected her to complete daily… for her own good, he'd explained. Still, she'd felt a void that needed filling, and a longing to be with other women.
Then there was the matter of breastfeeding. Before she'd given birth, Erik's concern was that her body would need to recover from the birthing. A caring thing, she'd thought. In reality, Erik didn't want anyone touching her breasts, not even his son. Her breasts were Erik's alone. But she didn't learn that until the day after Jesse was born. It was a very painful lesson.
When Erik walked into the hospital room and saw Jesse nursing, the look on his face was lethal. She'd never seen that look before, but it was aimed at Jesse. And it was territorial. Erik staking his claim. Shoving his hand between Jesse's mouth and her breast, he said, "No breastfeeding. Put him on formula."
"Why," she'd asked. "Infants need breast milk." She tried to push Erik's hand away so she could continue, but his arm remained unmovable, and his hand closed around her breast.
Grabbing his hand to pull it off, she said, "You're acting insane. I want to breast feed Jesse."
Erik's hand tightened on her breast, like a vise slowly closing, sending pain shooting through her. "You heard me. Put him on formula."
"Stop!" She'd cried. "You're hurting me."
"Not as much as I will if he ever clamps on again," Erik said. "Have I made myself clear?"
Emily could feel the bruising as she nodded, and replied, "Yes, you've made yourself clear."
"Good." He released her breast and smiled. "Formula's better for him anyway. It has everything he'll need." He went to find the nurse to tell her to prepare formula, then returned to the room and sat in the chair by the bed as if nothing had happened.
And that was the first indication that she was about to start on a long, slow journey into hell.
"Em?" She looked up to see Adam staring at her. "Are you okay?"
Emily blinked several times to shut out the image, and said, "I was just distracted. Some old memories are hard to block out."
"You don't have to come tonight if you don't want to," Adam said, looking at her with concern, "but Jesse and I want you there."
Emily looked at Adam's hopeful face and knew this was important to him. "It's okay," she said. "I'll come."
"The we'll be back for you in a half hour." He kissed her and left.
And Emily prepared to join a house full of people she'd hoped never to face again.
***
Maureen Hansen gazed at Jesse in Adam's arms and said, "He's so much like your father was at this age, and you too. I don’t know what it is about Hansen genes. They just seem to take over. Look at those dark eyes, and that beautiful dark curly hair. You must be very proud."
Adam couldn't help beaming. "Yeah, I'm proud." He looked down at his son, sitting in his lap, and the word proud didn't begin to describe what was going on inside. Love. Duty. Affection. Commitment. The list was infinite because he knew every day of his life he'd be adding to it.
"And Emily?" Maureen asked. "Have you worked things out with her?"
"If you mean, have I been guarding my heart, is there a way to do that?" he asked.
"I suppose not, at least not when you're in love," Maureen replied, "but I have faith you'll do the right thing by Jesse."
Adam thought about that. What was right for Jesse was to have a mother and father every day of his life, not every other weekend, or every day for Dad and every once in a while for Mom when she could visit without being seen because of circumstances that may never change. And what was right for him was to have Emily in his life every day and in his bed every night, and they weren't even close to that.
"Adam, this thing with Emily's ex-husband," Maureen said. "Is there a danger he might come here?"
Adam nodded, because there was no way around it. "Yeah, there's a danger. Erik knows Jesse's my son, and he knows where I live, and the man's psychotic. He threatened to kill Emily and Jesse if Emily left him."
"Then you can't stay here," Maureen said.
Adam realized his grandmother wasn't talking about sending Emily away. She was talking about his taking Emily and Jesse and leaving, which she confirmed when she said, "If you need money, I have more than I can use in a lifetime. You can take what you need and find a place where the three of you can live and not be found until you figure out what to do. But you need to be with your son, and he needs to be with his mother."
"Once we start running we'd always have to be looking over our shoulders, and I'd be afraid for Emily and Jesse to leave the house," Adam said. "Emily would be trapped like she was before, but for different reasons. But you're right. We can't stay here." And that was the first time he'd thought about them as we, if leaving the ranch was their only option.
"Cat," Jesse squealed, then wiggled out of Adam's arms and went after a black and gray tabby cat that quickly skittered under the table and crouched down.
Adam darted after Jesse, and taking him by the arm, said to him, "You need to sit quietly and let the cat come to you." When Adam sat cross-legged on the floor, Jesse backed up to sit in his lap, and turning to Adam, he said, "Pet cat?"
Adam smoothed Jesse's dark curls away from his face, kissed him on the cheek and said, "Yeah, you can pet the cat as soon as she comes out from under the table."
Jesse scooted back some more, until he was leaning heavily against Adam's chest, and Adam got the impression Jesse was just as happy sitting on his lap as petting the cat. The cat stood, arched her back in a stretch that started with her front legs and made its way to her back ones, picked her way out from under the table and walked up to Jesse then rubbed her furry head against his hand. Jesse laughed and looked up at Adam, and said, "I pet?"
"Yes, son," Adam said. "You can pet the cat."
When Jesse did, the cat started purring.
Adam took Jesse's hand and placed it on the cat's side, and when Jesse felt the rumbles, he looked at Adam in curiosity. "The cat is happy," Adam said. When Jesse's brows gathered and he stared at Adam with round, baffled eyes, Adam realized Jesse had no idea what happy meant because, until now, it had not been a part of his growing vocabulary.
Turning Jesse around, so he was resting in the curve of his arm
, Adam smiled a sincere, heartfelt smile at a little boy who was bringing him more joy than he could express, then pointed to his lips and said, "Happy. Daddy's happy because Daddy loves Jesse." He kissed Jesse on the forehead, and repeated, "Daddy loves Jesse."
Jesse reached out and touched Adam's mouth, and when Adam smiled again, because he couldn't help it, Jesse said, "Happy. Daddy happy."
And damn if Adam's eyes didn't brighten with tears.
When he looked at Maureen, she said, "That feeling will be with you until the day you die."
It wasn't until then that Adam realized the enormity of what it meant, and the extent of the responsibility that now rested on his shoulders. The combination was a very sobering thought. But it also brought clarity to things.
Looking at Maureen, he said, "I don't know how things are going to work out with Emily's ex-husband, but if she and Jesse are in danger and need to get away, I'll take you up on that offer, maybe start a ranch in Mexico where you and the rest of the family could visit."
Maureen reached out and touched Adam's face, and said, "Your grandfather would have been proud of the man you've become, and for doing what you have to do."
Adam had a pretty fair idea then what the future would bring. He was also troubled by the fact that his mother could lose yet another son, and that could send her over the edge. But he couldn't think about that right now because his first obligation was to his son, which also included the mother of his son. The two could not be separated.
***
When Emily and Adam stepped into Adam's parent's house, Emily felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. The chatter and laughter of moments before died, and all eyes were on her. When her feet failed to move, Adam nudged her in the back and announced to everyone staring at them, "Sorry we're late. You all remember Emily."
Emily saw a failed attempt at smiles from Adam's siblings, including Maddy. Jack stood and said nothing, and Grace, who was in the kitchen, wiped her hands on her apron and came over to where they were standing, and said to Emily, "I'm glad you could come."
Although Emily wanted to believe it was true, she knew, without doubt, that there was not a soul in the room who wanted her in Adam's life. She could feel it, and she could see it on their faces. Still, she had no choice but to go along with the charade.
Forcing a smile that was as insincere as it was feigned, she said, "Thank you for inviting me. It will give you a chance to get to know Jesse."
"I'd like that," Grace said. But when she reached out to take Jesse from Adam's arms, Jesse turned away from her and buried his face against Adam's neck.
"He's a little shy," Adam said to his mother. "I'm sure you understand why."
Grace's eyes immediately shifted to Emily, and the unintended accusation could not have been clearer. Then catching herself, Grace said to Emily, "Well, he's among family now, but maybe he needs a little time, and I'd better go see to dinner."
After Grace returned to the kitchen, and Jack trailed after her to help, Adam set Jesse down on the floor. Jesse leaned heavily against him and stuck his knuckle in his mouth and scanned the faces of Adam's siblings, who were studying him as if he were an oddity. Which he was to them, Emily realized. A lovechild created by the two people standing with him. Not exactly a shining example of the way Grace and Jack Hansen had raised their children.
"These are all your uncles," Adam said to Jesse, then glancing at Maddy, he added, "And your aunt."
When Adam's siblings continued to stare, Adam said, "Maddy, why don't you get one of your stuffed animals for Jesse to hold."
Maddy immediately scampered off, and a few moments later, returned with a stuffed pig. Crouching in front of Jesse, she said, in a soft sweet voice, "Do you want to hold Miss Piggy?"
Jesse looked up at Adam and waited. "It's okay," Adam said.
Jesse looked at the pig but refused to take it, wrapping his arm around Adam's leg instead. Then he pressed the side of his face to Adam's thigh and stood observing the faces that continued to look steadily back at him.
Aware of Jesse's apprehension, Adam picked him up, and holding him in the crook of his arm, he said to his siblings, "You guys are kind of overwhelming Jesse. Go back to what you were doing."
When the chatter started again, Emily saw Jesse looking at the Christmas tree and realized he'd been so intimidated by the faces staring at him that he'd only just noticed it.
Pointing, Jesse said to Adam, "Daddy go see tree."
"He just said a four-word sentence to you," Emily said to Adam. "That's the first time he's done that."
Adam grinned. "Then we'd better go look at the tree." Taking Emily by the arm, he maneuvered her toward a Christmas tree that stood in the corner of the room. It was trimmed with homemade ornaments from years past, but it was missing the decorated cookies that Emily remembered as being a part of the Christmas she had stayed with them, the same Christmas Adam gave her the ring.
They'd all stood around the big kitchen table while decorating cookies and laughing and wrapping them in plastic, and she remembered it as being the happiest Christmas of her life. "There aren't any cookies on the tree," she said.
"I know," Adam replied. "Mom's depressed with Marc gone. I guess she didn't get around to making cookies again this year. Christmas is a difficult time for her."
Emily looked up at Adam. Until now he'd said nothing about Marc. She remembered all the chaos leading up to Marc leaving home, but for some reason she'd assumed he'd come back because he had a loving family to come home to, unlike her. The idea that Marc had walked out for good was difficult to grasp. "And I'm not making it any easier for your mom," she said, "or the rest of the family. This is very awkward."
"I'm sorry, honey, I shouldn't have insisted," Adam said.
Which made Emily feel guilty for adding to a tenuous situation. "It's okay. I've been in a lot worse situations than this," she replied, trying to sound upbeat, when in reality she just wanted to leave.
"It'll get better when Jayne and Sam arrive," Adam assured her, "and by the time Rick and Sophie come with the triplets, we'll be lost in the crowd."
But they weren't lost in the crowd. When Rick and Sophie arrived with three babies—Rick holding two, and Sophie holding one—Grace fluttered around them, making a fuss over them as they were placed in playpens that appeared to be permanent furniture in the living room. But it had also been time to eat, so other than a brief acknowledgment of each other, Emily and Sophie hadn’t spoken. And all through dinner, even though the conversations shifted between the usual sibling joking and teasing, eyes kept returning to Emily.
The one bright spot at dinner had been that Jack pulled up a highchair to the table for Jesse to join them, and after they were all seated, when Grace glanced around the table, she had a pleased look on her face, like maybe things weren't so bad. She also looked at Jesse with affection. Emily knew Adam saw it too, because when Grace came around the table to fasten a bib around Jesse's neck, she touched Jesse's face, and stroked his hair, then looked at Jack at the end of the table and smiled, as if life was good again. Jack smiled back, and for the moment, he looked as if a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
During dinner Emily was also aware of Sophie looking at her frequently and making comments to Rick, who would glance her way and smile, if she caught him looking.
"We'll talk to them after dinner," Adam said. "It'll break the ice."
"Then you too are aware of them talking about us?" Emily asked.
"I know they're talking, but I don't think it's all bad," Adam replied.
"No," Emily said. "They're just deliberating over why you'd be such an idiot as to get involved with the women who left you at the altar."
"Let's not get into that," Adam said. "What's done is done."
Emily was immediately sorry for her cynical remark. She'd always liked Rick and Sophie, and her comment was unwarranted, even if it was accurate. But it also fed into the rift between Adam and Rick, and Adam was right. After dinne
r, they needed to talk to them.
But after they left the table, Rick and Sophie walked over to where Emily sat on the couch beside Adam, with Jesse sitting on Adam's lap, and said to Emily, "So, this is Jesse." She bent down and said, "Hi Jesse. I'm your Aunt Sophie." Jesse immediately turned from her and buried his face against Adam's chest. "I guess I scared him," Sophie said. "He's probably still upset because of what you went through. We heard about what happened."
When Emily said nothing, because she didn't want to talk about any of it, Rick put his arm around Sophie and pulled her against him, and said, "Jesse's a fine little guy. When the triplets are up and running he'll have fun with them."
Emily realized she was also pressed up against Adam, and hadn't been aware when she'd moved so close to him. Her eyes shifting between Rick and Sophie, she said to Rick, "I'm sure he will. He's not used to so many people at once."
Adam patted Emily's knee, and leaving his hand there, he said to her, "Honey, we'd better get going. We still have to pack for tomorrow and I want to leave early." His endearment drew surprised looks from Rick and Sophie. Emily could almost hear the conversation that would follow after they left.
Is Adam out of his mind? Why would he get back with her after what she did? Poor Adam, she's been reeling him in and out for years, and on, and on.
It was an awkward moment at best, but she liked the feel of Adam's hand on her knee. A little affectionate gesture. More than a gesture. Adam was staking his claim again. Emily and I are back together, were Adam's unspoken words to Rick and Sophie. Maybe part jealousy, Adam letting them know his life was coming together.
After Emily thanked Grace and Jack for dinner, she made her way across a room filled with Hansen boys, and a Hansen girl, and Jayne and Sam, and Sophie and Rick, to where Maureen was sitting in a chair by the fireplace, and said to her, in a voice not intended for the rest, "Mrs. Hansen, I know this is awkward, but I want to thank you for all you did for Adam and my wedding. I know you paid for the invitations and the cake and flowers, and I should have thanked you long ago. I have no excuse for not doing so."
Becoming Jesse's Father (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 5) Page 11
