by James Graham
Weatherill What happened?
Taylor He collapsed at the dispatch box.
Cocks Come on, Brian, don’t be a silly bugger.
Speaker The Member for Rushcliffe!
Rushcliffe (entering with Silvester) I’m so sorry, Michael. Walter. We were just having a good old ding-dong, nothing out the ordinary, and then . . . (Seeing Rotherham.) Oh God . . .
Harrison Oi, listen, he weren’t very well. He wasn’t well, OK? It’s nothing to do with you.
Paramedics arrive in the office and take over.
Weatherill Come on, we’d better give them some space, we’ll, we’ll –
Rushcliffe (weeping) I’m so sorry.
Harrison (more privately) Oi. Make sure your man doesn’t take this on himself, OK? This isn’t going to look very good, he’ll need protecting. And ‘no one dies in the Palace’, remember?
Taylor Well, now hold on, no, it –
Weatherill goes, with Ruschcliffe.
Paramedics What’s his name?
Cocks He’s the memb – I mean, Brian. His name’s Brian.
Paramedics Brian? You’re alright.
The Paramedics leave with Rotherham, having put him on a stretcher.
Taylor Michael, this whole ‘no one dies in the . . . ’ This, it isn’t good enough, Brian’s just . . . there need to be consequences –
Cocks Oh and what do we do to them, that side? Stroke them with feathers?! No, we . . . (Flicking through a book.) I need to, shit, phone his wife, and . . .
The phone rings. He answers.
Not bloody now . . . Oh. Sorry . . . (Looks at the others.) Right . . . well, thank you for letting us know, Jack. (Puts the phone down.) Pairing. It’s back on.
Scene Three
Government Whips’ Office. Late night, darkly lit, ‘–5’ now on the board.
Harrison sits, his feet on the desk, listening to Wagner. He studies the record sleeve.
Taylor (entering, slowing to a stop) Blimey, what’s going on here?
Harrison From what I can make out, this Tannhäuser chap’s gone missing and his missus, Liz, she’s not happy. And when they’re not happy in opera they’re properly not happy. I’ve an ’orrible feeling it’s all going to go wrong.
Taylor And why’s that?
Harrison Well. Opera, innit. It always goes tits up in the end. (Flicks it off.)
Lady Batley (knocking, entering) Helloo?
Harrison Whey, Lady Broughton, how’s the Doc, all set?
Lady Batley Yes, we ju – I just wanted to say thank you. For putting us up while pairing was off. Oh, hark at me ‘putting us up’, feel like we’re checking out of a B&B. Harrison You’re very welcome, love, just leave your money on the side.
Lady Batley (laughs) Well. Just one more, erm . . . (Quieter.) I, I wondered about finally looking into . . . you know . . . letting Alf bow out. Finding a replacement, Batley?
Harrison Of course, my lovely. We want you enjoying your retirement, don’t we?
Speaker The Member for Newham North East!
Lady Batley exits. Cocks enters, followed by Newham North East.
Newham North East It’s becoming intolerable, Michael. This Militant Left lot, they’ve infiltrated my local party, and they’re close, they’re this close I swear, from deselecting me, unless I – what? – start calling for revolution. The guillotine!
Cocks Reg, I understand, we’ll talk, just . . . not now.
Newham North East It’s a ticking bomb, this, Michael, I’m warning you. (Leaves, disgruntled.)
Cocks Exit poll in Ashfield, unbelievable. Tories are gonna take it. That and Birmingham Stetchford.
Harrison You what? Ashfield, that’s a mining town?! What they voting Tory for?!
Cocks Can’t fucking believe them two. Roy and David going off to Europe, thanks very much! (Replaces ‘–5’ with ‘–7’ on the board.) We finally get pairing back so the sick ones can stay home, and now the healthy ones are throwing their toys out of the pram. Jesus.
Taylor Coventry South West is on her way down, Chief.
Cocks Whatever happened to loyalty, eh? Compromise, seeing both sides, helping each other out. Do they want to get booted out? ’S like turkeys voting for sodding Christmas here.
Speaker Coventry South West!
Coventry South West (entering) Hello everyone, ooh, ’s nice in here, isn’t it?
Harrison (gritted teeth) Would you like a drink, Audrey?
Coventry South West Ta. Don’t bother with the posh plonk, I can’t tell Stork from butter, me.
Cocks Audrey. Cut to the chase. Your increasing displays of disloyalty, under normal circumstances, would not only not be tolerated, but –
Coventry South West Disloyalty? Who to? It’d be disloyal to go against my principles, surely?
Harrison This is a hung Parliament, compromises have to be made on policy.
Coventry South West Well, can you explain why we’ve been voted in to look after working-class interests, the underfunded parts of the country, but our Chancellor is proposing 1.25 billion pounds worth of cuts? I’m not the only one, you know, a lot of our lot agree with me.
Cocks And how would you feel if we became the first government in living memory to lose the House and be forced into an election, eh?
Coventry South West Well. Given that I’ve always voted for my constituents over my Party, my ratings locally are through the roof. What about you, dear, how’s yours looking?
Cocks . . . Flatter yourself if you want that they voted for you personally, but they didn’t. They voted for the Party. Based on class. Based on economic group. Based on geography.
Based on what their effing mums and dads used to vote for. Not you. OK? This is how it works.
Coventry South West My understanding of this democracy is that people were sent to look after the interests of their neighbours, not just do as they were told by you lot.
Taylor So you pay no heed of the benefits of working together as a party, with shared ideals, not on every specific detail, no, but still able to come together? In order to get stuff done. It’s not perfect, Audrey, but it’s all we’ve got.
Coventry South West It’s only not perfect because no one is strong enough to challenge it. Well. No one was strong enough. There are ‘plans afoot’. (Drinks.) Ta for the sherry.
She exits.
Harrison Audrey. Audrey?! Get back here now!
Cocks Leave her, Walter. Right. Devolution vote. What are the numbers?
Harrison (at the board) Sorry. Unless you’ve got any miracles you’ve been saving up, we’re not going to make it.
The Chamber.
Speaker The question is that the Allocation of Time motion for the Scotland and Wales Bill be now read a second time.
Ayes to the right, 283 . . . Noes to the left . . . 312. The Noes have it!
Opposition Whips’ Office.
Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher come in laughing, singing ‘You take the high road, and I’ll take the low road’, each performing Highland flings of sorts.
Atkins Well, gentlemen, thanks to the Government’s own failed stab at a Highland fling, ner-haha, I think we can safely say their flagship Devolution Bill is dead in the water. Which means –
Cocks (knocks and enters) I thought I’d come over myself, save you the bother.
Atkins Oh Michael, it wouldn’t have been any bother, but nevertheless, here you are. And so Mr Cocks, it is of course with deep regret that I inform you – I think we should all be upstanding for this, Fred – that we shall be presenting a motion of censure to Parliament . . . ‘that this House has no confidence in Her Majesty’s Government’.
Cocks Vote on Wednesday 23rd, 10 p.m.?
Atkins Yes, that’s what we thought. Great minds, eh?
Cocks exits into the Members’ Lobby.
Harrison (joining Cocks) With no Devolution Bill timetabled the Scot and Welsh Nats will have
to vote against us, leaving us around 312 to 320. We’d be out.
Harper Look, if we’re struggling for numbers, can’t we try and get some pairs?
Taylor No, Joe, it’s a no-confidence vote, they won’t pair.
Cocks They’re trying to prove we haven’t the numbers to govern, after all.
Taylor Well, we’d better set other wheels in motion then, hadn’t we?
She steps into:
Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles!
Peebles Mrs Taylor. And what, I wonder, can I do for you?
Taylor We wondered if you were available for a little chat? Not here. Downing Street.
Peebles Oof, Downing Street, little old me, a Liberal. ‘Downing Street’. Well. Would you like me to go in through the front, or around the back?
Taylor Around the back. For now. If you’d be so kind . . .
Peebles (a little smile, and a nod) But of course.
Opposition Whips’ Office.
Papers everywhere, the Whips scribbling, pacing, totting up.
Esher (entering with a whisky) Quick, get yourself to Annie’s, it’s a free bar.
Atkins Free bar on the eve of a no-confidence vote? Why, they’d make a killing.
Esher No, it’s the, the, what’s his name, Berwick. Liberal – hah, right ‘liberal’ with his coins, say that much. Put a wodge behind the bar and told us to go guns blazing.
Sylvester (lowers his reports) You what? Why?
Esher Dunno, old boy, probably to say sorry for running over, I expect. They’re in our committee room, some party meeting thing. Something. I don’t know.
Atkins Li – Liberal Pa – We didn’t know this, why didn’t we know this, what are they meet – on the day of a . . .
Slams his documents down. Looks at Weatherill.
Weatherill . . . Surely not.
Government Whips’ Office. All the Whips are there.
Harrison Why hasn’t Peebles phoned yet? Must be close, maybe tied. Sod it, I’m going up.
Taylor Walter you can’t just storm into a Liberal Party meeting, you’re a Labour Whip!
Harrison Watch me – (Opens the door.)
Atkins (in the doorway) What are you up to?
Harrison Shit – (Slams the door shut, locks it.) They’re on to us.
Atkins (off, behind the door) Don’t be silly, Walter, let me in!
Harrison Haha, what you gonna do, huff and puff and blow this house down?
Atkins (entering) No, just use my key.
Cocks/Harrison/Harper Oi!
Harrison Where did you get that from?
Atkins Never mind that. / What are you up to?
Cocks Piss off, Atkins – Sorry Ann.
Taylor Get the FUCK OUT of this office, now!
Atkins ( flinching back) Alright old girl, steady on.
Cocks ( phone rings) Alright, all of you, quiet! (Answers.) Hello?
. . . Yes . . . Oh. Oh right . . . Aha . . . (More solemn. Sighs.) Yes, I understand. (Phone down.)
Harrison Well, what is it?
Cocks walks slowly into the room, turning to face his team . . . before whipping around in an explosion of laughter, pointing in a ‘ner-ner’ way at the Opposition Whips.
Cocks Aaaaaah-HAHAHAHAHA!
Harrison They went for it?!
Cocks A Liberal–Labour pact, my friend! Signed, sealed and bloody delivered! GET SOME IN!
Harrison/Harper YES!
Atkins You can’t do that! That is / totally undemocratic, and might I add . . . Michael . . .
Harrison (running to the board with his chalk) So what’s that, all thirteen?!
Cocks (totting it up with him) All thirteen, that’s a whole baker’s dozen off their tally and a big fat baker’s dozen on to our side, that’s a majority of / (Replaces –8 with +18 ) eighteen! Haha! Our two parties, walking into the lobby together, two by two, by bloody two –
Cocks exits.
Harrison Thanks for popping in, Humphrey. Now bugger off, we’ve got a country to run!
The Clock Tower: Cocks with Clockmaker.
Cocks And you’re sure it won’t happen again soon?
Clockmaker Oh, I wouldn’t think so. These things are built to last, Mr Cocks. Just need a bit of love and attention every now again, know what I mean?! (Shouting down through a hole.) Alright, let her go!
The grinding and squealing of gears before, gradually, the hands of the big clock begin to turn. Cocks stands staring up at them. Beaming . . .
The Members’ Chorus appear below and watch the clock, giving a short, soft verse of ‘I Vow to Thee, My Country’.
Scene Four
The Commons’ Barbers.
Speaker The Member for Birmingham Perry Barr!
Perry Barr is lathered up, getting a shave from the Barber. Weatherill enters and sits.
Weatherill Any chance of a quick tidy up?
Barber Course, Mr Weatherill sir. Take a seat.
Perry Barr Bloody ’ell. ’S a pretty sharp suit you’ve got, there.
Weatherill Oh. Well, thank you. It’s Jeff, isn’t it? Perry Barr? Jack Weatherill.
Perry Barr ( playful gasp) The enemy.
Weatherill Hardly. In fact, I hear a growing number of you are in rather hot water with your own party. This Coventry lady seems quite a character.
Perry Barr Well, like me, she just wants what’s fair. Remember our roots.
Weatherill Oh of course, yes. I mean it’s quite a budget this year, isn’t it? For a socialist government. Cuts in spending. Higher taxes for the worse off.
Perry Barr Well. What can you do, it’s the budget. Budgets always pass.
Weatherill Well, they have to go through committee stage, like anything else. The opposition can in theory table amendments.
Perry Barr Never passed though, eh? Never happened.
Weatherill No. No, never happened. But if certain . . . well, how would you describe – certain ‘disgruntled’ government backbenchers joined with the opposition, well, then . . . anything would be possible. (Beat.) Worth thinking about, anyway.
Opposition Whips’ Office.
Speaker The Members for Birmingham Perry Barr and Coventry South West!
Coventry South West Oh. Everything’s the same in here but the other way around.
Atkins Right, let’s not beat around Shepherd’s Bush, shall we? Your proposed amendment. To link tax allowances with the rate of inflation, reducing the government’s income by . . . nearly half a billion pounds.
Coventry South West Or rather saving working families that amount. Yes.
Atkins Of course, you’re right. In fact given this will be the first time a wrecking amendment to a government’s budget has been proposed by the government’s party . . . I think I can safely say we’re pretty excited to see how it goes down.
Coventry South West The only parties I like, Mr Atkins, have jelly and ice cream and clowns prancing about.
Atkins Well you’ll be right at home at the Labour Conference then. But, if I may . . .
With a document and a pen. Beat. Coventry South West signs.
Atkins You’re heroes, that’s what you are. Anything to add, anyone?
Esher I don’t give a beggar’s fart, long as we shove it up their piss-pipe and make it sting.
Atkins As ever, wise, strange words. Good health.
Silvester and Esher show the Labour members out. Weatherill is busying himself.
Atkins Well, this is our greatest strike yet! Imagine the gasket they’ll blow when they hear this! All down to you, Jack.
Weatherill Mmm. Well it was. All of us –
Atkins Jack. I’m trying to say well done. You did well. Really well.
Weatherill (uncomfortably) . . . Thank you.
Government Whips’ Office. Whips working. Harrison is on the phone as Cocks enters.
Harrison Thank you. (S
lamming the phone down.) That bloody woman. Michael! As if destroying our budget wasn’t bad enough! Marched with the striking Asian workers at Grunwick yesterday, got herself arrested for allegedly punching someone.
Cocks Oh for – Right, I’ll have her! I swear to . . . (Picking up the phone.)
Harper Wish we could send her to bloody ‘Coventry’. God’s gift to the Tories, this lot. ’S unbelievable.
Cocks (on the phone) Audrey. Michael Cocks. We’ve heard about your day out yesterday . . . Aud – Audrey, shut up a second. You’re a Labour Member who got arrested for physical assault, now . . . Well, regardless, you have to do one of the following, alright, either pay a £20 fine . . . Aud – A £20 fine, or you can come down here and write a formal apology, now which is it to be? . . . good. (Phone down.) She’s coming down.
Taylor (with newspapers) Papers are still full of their budget sabotage, Chief.
Cocks The smug look on the aristo-twats’ faces, all poncing around like Cheshire cats.
Harrison Oi, least we’re hanging in, even getting stuff through now. Sod ’em, right?
Speaker Member for Coventry South West!
Cocks Right. Sit down. Let’s get this drafted, shall we –
Coventry South West strides over and sits, opening her handbag. She takes out a coin and places it on the desk. Then another. And another, continuing with smaller denominations. When she’s done, she closes her handbag, stands, and calmly strides out. Silence.
Harrison That was pretty fucking good, actually.
Committee Room Corridor. Dead of night.
Cocks passing one way with a blanket. Atkins the other (his blanket is tartan).
Atkins Ah, Michael. Looking for somewhere to hunker down as well?
Cocks Off to try and bag the sofa in Committee Room 8. Oh, Humphrey, that’s a very pretty blanket, did Jack knit you that?
Atkins This happens to be the Atkins’ family tartan.
Cocks A shameless attempt to curry favour with the Scots.
Atkins Well, given you’re having yet another tragic stab at devolution, we must try what we can. (Yawns.) So terribly exhausting, isn’t it?
Cocks And whose fault is that?
Atkins Oh, so stop limping on then, why don’t you? All this compromising, this faction, that faction, this party, that party.
Cocks I happen to be quite at peace with it, Humphrey. In fact I rather think we would do better as a House, a system, if we did all cooperate more. Maybe it’s the way forward.
