by James Graham
Stephen Oh, please Kirsty, stop banging on about your sweets.
Kirsty I will! Haha, because (pronounced, for Laura), all the Right Sweets are now In The Jar.
Laura In the jar? (Beat – the penny drops.) Oh . . . the jar.
. . . Yes, but Kirsty, in this particular ‘jar’, . . . (holding up the corresponding sweets) this jar is between red and yellow, so like, numbers wise, the opposite ‘flavour’ to blue – . . . berry, which no one is really picking in this jar, the opposite would be, like . . . green.
Alan passes by, taking the green sweet and popping it in his mouth.
Alan Go on then, Laura. One won’t hurt.
Laura Hah, right, hah. (Back to Kirsty.) But, do you see? If you put an extra red one, in the jar, that isn’t fair on the yellows. Because those two flavours are basically neck and neck. Do you see?
Kirsty . . . What? (Thinks.) Hold on. Hold on. OK, yeah, shit.
Alan (back at Stephen) No Tory tellers outside? That speaks volumes. Still, time to turn on the charm, see if I can get any info out of the other two. (Exits.)
Kirsty Look, it’s alright. Gerry can bring my son down. He can come and eat a yellow one.
Laura Your son? No, Jesus, no, let’s just –
Kirsty Stephen, time for my toilet break now, is that OK?
Stephen Yes, of course.
Laura Kirsty, Kirsty, wait –
Stephen comes and joins Laura at the desk.
Kirsty (on the phone, as she leaves) Gerry? Can you back here now, please.
Kirsty exits at speed as Voter 5 enters.
END OF PART ONE: (For the theatre audience: the play continues in these breaks, with more private moments between the polling station staff.)
Theatre Only 1
Stephen Hello – (taking Voter 5’s card) Ah, thank you. Dum-de-dum . . . there you are, ’181’.
Laura ‘181’, (handing over their paper) Thank you.
Laura drops the ballot and apologises to the Voter. The Voter goes to the booth.
Laura Stephen, erm, there’s something I think . . .
Stephen Yep? Are you – alright?
She stands, pacing. Breathing.
Laura Yeah. No I will be, just need to . . . I don’t know. You know?
Stephen It’s alright. Have a – pace around, if you want.
I had this ex, his technique was the toes. When he felt an attack coming. He used to say the panic, it was like somersaults.
Laura . . . It’s – a new thing. I’m . . . I’ll get used to them. I am used to them.
Voter 5 has voted, and exits the station.
Stephen (to the Voter) Thank you. (To Laura.) Do you know what I’ve been fantasising about doing all day?
Stephen hops over to the back where some school gym equipment is and rolls out 2 hoola hoops.
Laura You’re not serious? Someone might –
Stephen Come on, let our hair down, one quick spin – here.
He gives one hoop to Laura.
Laura Alright, I must warn you I was captain of our gymnastics team at school. Well, assistant captain. Why am I lying, none of that is true. Anyway –
She swings the hoop around her waist and begins spinning.
Laura Whoop –
Stephen Not bad. What do you – side to side?
Laura Back and forth – well, I do anyway, you sort of shift your weight.
Stephen has a go. They go back and forth, at will, during the ensuing.
Laura I don’t know how you do it. You seem so in control, and calm in here, it’s a little unnerving.
Stephen Always been good at biting my tongue, that’s all.
Laura I think partly it’s the not knowing who or what is going to come through that door next, that’s the exciting thing and also the, I don’t know, discombobulating thing. When’s the next person going to arrive? Now.
Snaps her fingers. And waits. Nothing.
Now.
Snaps her fingers. Nothing.
Oh well, my psychic abilities are worse than my hoola-hooping skills.
Stephen Hah. Although saying that, this time, fixed-term parliament. The 7th May, 2015, has been ingrained on my brain for the past five years. So – maybe this time, even just psychologically, I feel more prepared.
Laura For the day itself, not the outcome.
They drop the hoops as Paul Alleyne enters, dressed in his work overalls. Laura puts the hoops away as they return to the desk.
Stephen Evening, do come in.
Part Two
The polling station – 9.01pm.
Paul Alleyne is approaching the Issuing Desk.
Paul Uh yeah I don’t have my, erm –
Stephen That’s OK, just – oh, Kirsty’s back, she’ll be able to – one moment.
Kirsty comes back in, replacing Stephen at the desk. She has noticeably more make-up on.
Kirsty I’m back, I’m back, I can relieve you Stephen. Now that I have ‘relieved’ myself. Name and address, please?
Paul Paul Alleyne, 19a Bishops Road.
Stephen (looking at Kirsty’s face) Oh. Planning on – going out, after this? Kirsty?
Kirsty No, why do you say that?
Stephen Oh, nothing. Just . . .
Kirsty (to Paul) I don’t have you, I’m afraid. You’re sure this is the polling station you registered at?
Paul Yeah. Well. My wife came in this morning, or I assume it was this one.
Kirsty I’m sorry, you’re not on the register.
Paul (taking out his phone) Lemme check.
Stephen We’ll have to ask you to make that call outside, if that’s OK.
Paul Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(exiting, on the phone) Hi, where did you vote this morning? . . . No, where? Not who, I’m not asking . . . I said where? For – (Exits.)
Kirsty Didn’t miss anything, did I?
Laura/Stephen No, no.
Jasmine, Carla, two college students, enter with Jonathan the lad in uniform from before.
Jasmine Oh my days! It looks exactly the same!
Carla It’s like Ghost, innit. It’s the smell –
Jasmine/Carla The smell –
Carla – brings back memories and shit.
Jasmine Ohmygod, look – (at Kirsty) It is her.
Laura (at Jonathan) Oh. Back again? You haven’t turned 18 in the last 20 minutes, have you?
Jasmine Shame!
Jonathan Shut up. Her, not you.
Jasmine Hi. I’m here to vote, what do you do?
Kirsty You give me your card. (Jasmine hands over her card) And I’ll take yours as well.
Carla (in American) Thanks Axe Lady. Pff.
Kirsty Hello, ’239’.
Laura ‘239’. (handing Jasmine and Carla their papers) There you go.
Carla That’s it? You don’t need I.D. or nothing?
Jasmine (at the desk) So now what?
Laura Go to the booth, take a pencil, and put a cross next to the person you’re voting for.
Jasmine goes to booth #1. Carla goes to Booth #2.
Carla Pencils?
Jasmine (to the booth) This is so old school. It’s like the ’90s or something.
Alan returns, and joins Stephen.
Kirsty (To Jonathan.) Excuse me, you’ll have to wait outside if you’re not voting.
Jonathan She said I could be in here with . . . if I was like, accompanied, by . . .
Jasmine (from the booth) A grown-up?
Jonathan Yeah.
Jasmine/ Carla Pfff! (Laughing).
Carla Ah that’s OK, Johnnie, we’ll be your grown-ups.
Alan So, is this true, Stephen, what I hear? You being in line for ‘great things’? Anita’s position, Deputy Returning?
Stephen Yeah I’m not confident to be honest. I’m up against – you know. ‘Modernisers’. ‘Reformers’. ‘How do we get more peopl
e in through the door?’
Alan (to Stephen) So bloody what, you’re old school, I like that.
Stephen I’m just never going to think a ‘sexy app’ or ‘online this or that’ is what’s stopping people walking through that door. Look, there’s no wall or anything, blocking the door, is there? If they’re not coming . . . then it’s something else.
Paul has returned from outside.
Paul (to Kirsty) Uh yeah, so she, she definitely voted here this morning.
Kirsty Same name?
Jasmine (to Laura, with her form) ‘scuse me, sorry, is this right, the Prime Minister isn’t even on here.
Laura Right, so, this isn’t the Prime Minister’s seat.
Jasmine goes back to the booth.
Kirsty (to Paul) Did you definitely register yourself, only it changed this year – it’s individuals now, that register, not households.
Paul But she’d have put me down, wouldn’t she?
Jasmine (going back to Laura) Right, so . . .
Laura These /are the candidates standing for this constituency. That’s who you’re voting for, not the Prime Minister.
Kirsty (overlapping) No but that’s what I’m saying. She wouldn’t have done, cause it’s changed. Stephen? This gentleman is sure he registered, I’m trying to explain about the new thing, with the thing.
Jasmine returns to the voting booth.
Stephen Yes, I’m sorry, we’ve been having a lot of similar – today. Unless you registered yourself, on an individual form, then . . . Let me call the local office and get them to check the database –
Paul stands by the piano.
Stephen exits on his phone. Carla and Jasmine both go to Laura.
Carla So, look, sorry, is there like, information on which one’s which?
Laura No sorry, we can’t give out any information once you’re inside the polling station.
Jasmine Well so how do you find out about anything?
Carla Let’s just google them.
Kirsty No, you can’t do that, you’re meant to have informed yourself before you come in.
Jasmine Ugh, it’s like an exam. No wonder they’re in schools.
Carla (We hear the Siri noise. Into her phone) Siri, who should I vote for?
Kirsty No, seriously, I mean it, that’s enough!
Jonathan (to Carla) What’s wrong with you?
Kirsty (to Jonathan) Please can you wait over there, please.
Carla Be nice to him, he’s our GBF, and we’re his fag hags.
Jonathan Oi, don’t . . . (aware of Paul next to him) don’t say that. They go back to the booth.
Jonathan shuffles, stood next to Paul, the tall older man next to him. Beat.
Paul Reminds me of being back at school. Waiting at the headmaster’s office. Feels like we’re in trouble, ey?
Jonathan Uh, dunno. I’m not gay. What they said. Not like, ‘much’, I mean.
Paul . . . Oh. OK. All up for grabs, though, I suppose. Growing up.
Alan (joining them) On your way from work, is it, long day?
Paul I wish, on my way to work; nightshift. Didn’t expect anyone else’d be voting this late, thought I’d be on my own.
Alan Oh yeah, no, constant stream, my experience.
Kirsty Haribo, Alan?
Alan I shouldn’t. (To Paul.) The wife, she’s – got us on this thing . . .
Paul 5:2?
Alan Yeah.
Paul Nightmare.
Jonathan (feeling like he should join in with the men) Yeah.
The other two look at him. Beat.
Jasmine and Carla come out of the booth and show Laura and Kirsty their ballot papers. They avoid looking at the papers and send them to the ballot box to post their votes.
Carla (the ensuing at speed – overlapping a lot with Jasmine) Wait, me first –
Jasmine Go on then, do it –
Carla Which way, it won’t –
Jasmine Any way, come on, do it –
Carla Awh this is proper stuff. Your turn, make a wish –
Jasmine Pssh, s’not my birthday, ‘make a wish’ – (Votes.)
They both turn to Jonathan, waiting exasperated.
Jonathan First-time voters.
Jasmine Alright you, let’s get you home to bed, ha-ha.
Jonathan Piss off.
The girls leave. Jonathan has one last look back at the men.
Jonathan See ya.
Paul Yeah, see ya.
Jonathan and co. exit.
Stephen (returning to Paul) There’s no record of you registering, I’m very sorry.
Paul Right. I thought she’d done us both but obviously.
He exits. Gerry returns, with son Lucas moodily in tow.
Lucas Mum, what the hell?
Kirsty Right, number one Lucas, what have I told you about disrespecting me, number two, get over here before I slap you. Laura, ‘1334’.
Stephen What’s going on?
Kirsty Nothing, this is my son, Lucas. Laura, do you have his ballot paper?
Lucas (flirtatiously) So, Laura? I’ve seen you around, haven’t I?
Laura Uh, don’t think so.
Kirsty Lucas.
Lucas You get the 219, don’t you; where do you live?
Kirsty In her house, Lucas. ‘1334’.
Lucas Mum, I don’t want to, I told you, I’m not. You’re propping up an outdated, undemocratic system and I don’t believe in it, no offence.
Kirsty Don’t you give me that Russell Brand shit.
Lucas You got me the book at Christmas!
Kirsty I didn’t know what it was about!
Lucas Some Swedish girl Facebooked me, she wants to interview you.
Kirsty That’s not a girl that’s a woman and – thank you for facilitating that, I appreciate it. Laura? (She takes the ballot paper from Laura.) Here.
Lucas Thank you, Laura.
Gerry Kirsty, if he doesn’t wanna vote, he doesn’t wanna to vote, same as me.
Lucas No, you don’t cause you’re lazy, I want to send a message.
Gerry Oi. Don’t you dare. That’s not –
Stephen Is everything alright?
Kirsty Yes, my son’s just about to cast his first ever vote; it’s a touching family moment, get in there. Please, for me.
Lucas What’s in it for me?
Alan Blimey, this one’s got some spunk.
Lucas You what?
Alan Spunk! What, don’t people say spunk anymore?
Kirsty Magaluf, do this and – you can go . . . we’ll let you go. How’s that?
Gerry Uh we won’t.
Kirsty We’ll talk about it later, he can go.
Gerry No we won’t, he’s not going.
Lucas Stop third-personing me. I’m right here.
Gerry He’s not old enough.
Lucas What does that mean?
Stephen Guys –
Gerry It means you’ll behave stupid and you’ll hurt yourself.
Lucas Old enough to choose who runs the country, not old enough to go on holiday, what’s that about? Right.
Lucas takes the ballot and goes to booth #2, smiling at Laura as he does.
Kenneth and Louisa, two married financiers, enter. He’s constantly emailing on his Blackberry.
Kirsty And – what I said on the phone, about . . . (checks Stephen isn’t watching, holds up a yellow sweet from the new bag and drops it into the jar).
Lucas Ye-es, I’ve got it, don’t have to be Turing to crack your code.
Kirsty Don’t push your luck, Lucas. (Kenneth clears his throat.) Hello.
Kenneth hands over his card.
Kirsty (awaiting a response) ‘Hello’?
Kenneth Uh, I . . . thought I smiled, didn’t I? Like, smiled ‘hello’.
Kirsty My mistake, sorry.
Kenneth Sorry, I d
idn’t mean to be . . . (at his watch) we’re just late . . .
Louisa (handing her card to Kirsty) That’s a dig at me, for leaving the office late.
Kenneth It wasn’t a – . . . bloody hell, getting attacked on both fronts here (to Kirsty) for not talking (to Louisa) and talking (going back to his phone).
Laura (handing them their papers) There you are, just in the booth.
Kenneth No, you’re alright. (Picking up a pencil and marking his ballot.)
Laura Right.
Louisa (to Kirsty as she’s given her polling card back) Thank you. (To Laura as she’s handed her ballot paper.) Thanks so much.
Laura hands Louisa her ballot paper and Louisa goes to Booth #1.
Kenneth goes to the ballot box to vote. Lucas follows behind him. He’s over by the box, with his slip.
Lucas Mum? I’m sorry. But you did tell me to stand up for my beliefs.
Lucas tears the paper in two.
Kirsty Lucas!
Lucas drops his ripped paper in the ballot box.
Stephen We have a special envelope for spoilt ballot papers, that’s – that’s a little annoying, being in the box, to be honest.
Lucas Mum. Don’t hate me. (Heading out.) Bye, Laura.
Kirsty You, just go! We’ll talk in the morning. God, I’m embarrassed.
Maria enters. She speaks in careful English, Portuguese is her first language.
Gerry Am I officially off duty now as well, then? I’ll see you later. I’m out for the count. Ey, Alan? Out for the count? (He exits.)
Alan Yes. (Phone rings.) Oh, arse, sorry Stephen, thought it was on silent.
Alan answers and exits.
Maria (handing in her card) Here. Uh . . .
Kenneth has voted very quickly and goes over to the box, dropping it in. He picks up a phone call.
Maria goes to Booth #4.
Stephen Thank you, goodnight.
Kenneth (on the phone) Yeah, coming out now . . .
Stephen Oh, could put your phone away?
Kenneth Oh, I’m just – waiting for my . . . (phone) Just circle round again then –
Stephen Sir, sorry –
Kenneth (to Stephen) Yeah, no, totally – (phone) Bayswater, near Bayswater – (to Stephen) totally, yep, I’m just – (phone) yep, we’ll be out by the time you’re – yep. (Hangs up, starts emailing) Got an Uber outside, we’re late for this dinner thing. (Looking at Louisa in the booth.) God, what’s she doing? . . .
Stephen I really would like you to put your phone away, sir
