by James Graham
Alan Now look, that’s a bit strong, so just –
Alastair She’s a liar. It’s here. I’m gonna phone that police woman, person.
(With his phone.) Phone’s dead, that’s, shit . . .
Christine (to Alastair) Maybe you should go and sort that out, then. You can stay, if you want, you’re not bothering me, but – maybe that would be best.
Alastair Alright. (Gives Christine his phone.) Wait here. I’m not – this isn’t done. Wait. (He takes his phone back and exits.)
Kirsty It’s nearly 10, and we have to lock the door at 10, he won’t come back in, he’s –
Stephen And if he does . . .?
Alan A Presiding Officer can demand a person be arrested Stephen, if you need that in your back pocket.
Lola coming back.
Lola Sorry, that was Thomas.
Alan (looking at the clock – with his ribbon) Here we are then, Stephen, almost time to seal up that bad boy. Howard? You got a ribbon, sealing the box with me?
Howard Of course (removing his ribbon. Beat.) OH MY GOD I HAVEN’T EVEN VOTED YET!
Howard begins searching for his paper.
Lola Look. You’re right. It’s technically you on the list. So go on. Vote.
Simon You know what, I’ll have my vote as well. (At the desk.)
Christine . . . This is a trick, isn’t it? You’re buying yourself some currency; get to use this against me for years now; ‘remember when . . .’.
Lola No. It’s just . . . (more teasing) well, this could be your last election, couldn’t it. So, enjoy.
Christine Please, I’ve just had a full M.O.T, I’m like the tin man after they oiled him. Look, look at this (she does a few leg twists and turns with her hip –wiggling limbs).
Simon (laughing, joining in a bit) Hah, yeah, why not, let’s celebrate.
Lola Mum, Jesus . . . are you high? How many painkillers did you take?
Christine Oh you’re such a – ‘suit’.
Lola Hospitals need suits, how many?
Simon (taking his ballot paper from the desk) Imagine, in 18 years, he’ll be standing here, won’t he. His first vote.
Christine It’s oxycodone, 5 to 15 miligrams, every 4 to 6 hours, it’s fine. (Looking at Simon, who is looking at his ballot paper.)
And anyway. I’ve decided I’m giving my vote to you.
Kirsty Finally, come on then –
Christine (with the paper) It’s what we’re meant to do, isn’t it. Pass it on.
Alan 6 minutes to go, guys.
Howard (quietly, to Kirsty) Kirsty, I’m sorry, but I, I can’t find my ballot paper.
Chika enters.
Chika Hello again. Back, as promised.
Simon I’m a granddad.
Chika Awh. Ok.
Simon posts his vote and starts tidying up.
Lola (taking the ballot) I don’t know what to say, Mum. I don’t even know who I’m going to vote for?
Christine What do you mean?
Lola Well. It’s complicated, isn’t it?
Christine (snatching it back) Oh sod that, there’s no way I’m giving it you now.
Lola Mum! It’s not like football, anymore, you don’t stick with the same side all your life.
Christine Oh, you’re so fickle. Alastair comes back in with Tilde.
Alastair Right, here’s a member of the press – Swedish, admittedly, but . . .
Stephen No, no. There’s no press, I told you –
Tilde This man –
Stephen I’ve already told you. Listen!
Tilde This man says you are denying him the vote.
Alastair (Seeing Chika.) Oi, it’s you! You’re the copper, you took my paper. They’re saying they haven’t got it.
Tilde This is a very big story.
Chika No, they do. You do, don’t you, sir?
Alastair I knew it, I knew it!
Chika Sir, you’ve had a couple too many, and I’d like you to calm down.
Alastair Me? It’s them! (Stumbling.)
Chika Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down.
Alastair I’m calm, I’m calm.
Howard I can’t find my paper.
Chika (to Stephen) Sir, maybe it would help if you could give this man his ballot paper?
Alastair Yeah, yes.
Stephen I . . . I don’t . . .
Kirsty (an idea) He spoilt it!
Alastair What?
Laura He –?
Kirsty Right, Stephen? There was beer, there were these stains, all over it. It was spoilt, it can’t be used.
Alastair Awh wait, this is – nah, this is BULLSHIT! It’s –
Howard (to Stephen) Stephen, I’m sorry to bother you, but can I have another ballot paper –
Stephen (turning, and snapping, a little) NO! HOWARD! YOU CAN’T!
A moment in the room.
I already gave you one. (To Alastair.) And you one! And a thousand other people today! (At the sundries table.) And then there are all these – these ones that nobody used, that’ll all get thrown away! (to Lola) Maybe if you had cared enough to actually register, madam (to Alastair), maybe if you’d respected the ballot enough to not walk out with it, sir! (To Tilde) Maybe if you just left when I asked you to! Maybe if everyone treated it a bit more carefully, if you realised how fragile it was! Maybe if everyone didn’t just step on it and then go ‘oh look, it’s broken, let’s throw it away’.
Maybe that. Maybe that. Ey?
Christine (taking out some pills) I know what you need, here.
Alastair OK, alright, mate, I just . . . Jesus, I didn’t mean to . . .
Tilde I apologise, I didn’t mean to . . . I’ll go.
Alastair Erm, OK, I’ll . . . I’m gonna . . .
He follows, stumbling after Tilde as she leaves.
Stephen . . . Laura, I need you to be the marker that waits outside for any queues, I’ll take your place at the desk.
Laura Right, but –
Stephen Just go, please, would you.
Laura heads towards the door.
Howard Maybe it’s outside, Alan, do I have time?
Laura turns back into the room followed by Alastair as he enters.
Stephen Laura, I just told you –
Laura But what about him?!
Alastair No, no, no, I wanted to say – I’m sorry. You were right, my bad. I was disrespectful, you deserve respect. All of you. For what you do.
Chika Alright, maybe we should be getting you out of here, sir.
Alastair No, I’m saying I’m sorry, you’re right. I don’t deserve it. My vote.
Stephen (rubbing his head) Oh, God, no, that, that’s – Alastair That’s all I’m saying, I’m done –
Alastair walks back and stumbles over. A reaction, in the room. Chika and Alan helping him.
Laura Right, enough! Stephen, this man is intimidating other voters and you have the right to have him arrested, right? As the Presiding Officer.
Fred enters and makes his way to Stephen at the issuing desk.
Kirsty Yes, he can be removed. Tell her. (To Chika.) Miss –
Chika (to Alastair, helping him) Come on, up you get sir.
Alastair No, no, no, I was just – I’m fine.
Howard (by the door) I don’t know what to do.
Kirsty (to Stephen and Laura) Stephen, it’ll be fine, we’re good, it’s nearly –
Stephen This . . . this isn’t –
Fred taps Stephen on the shoulder.
Fred Oi –
Stephen Sir, please, no more . . .
Fred Look (he shows him a ballot paper – the second one he was meant to have posted. He winks at Stephen and gives it to him).
Stephen You didn’t post it. You didn’t vote twice.
Fred shakes his head. Takes out some lottery tickets.
Fred My mistak
e. Posted one of these instead . . .
Stephen Lottery ticket?
Fred Might be the winning one. Isn’t that funny?
Stephen . . . hilarious, yes. Why did you bring it back?
Fred (waving it) Cause it’s valuable. Ey?
Howard (seeing) Is that a spare?! Please, can I have it, I need it?
Christine (to Stephen) She’ll have it if you don’t want it, we need a spare.
Howard But it’s got my name on it, I mean it’s actually got it on it.
Stephen No, it isn’t a spare. (To Alastair.) Sir? You’re a drunk and you’re a bit of a prick but you still deserve this, here.
Alastair (taking it) That’s not mine.
Stephen No, it’s not. We . . . I gave yours to someone else.
Alan You what?
Stephen I’m very sorry. I – I let people down, you down.
Kirsty Stephen, don’t.
Stephen (to Kirsty) It has to mean something . . . right? It has to matter.
The chimes of Big Ben begin on the radio.
Christine It’s 10 o’clock. Oh I’ve had enough.
Christine votes in the booth.
Lola Mum?!
Christine It really is very simple. You – all of you – fucking about. When it’s so, bloody, simple. Watch.
She makes her way to the ballot box. As does Stephen, guarding it.
Stephen Wait. The box has been compromised. A fraud has been committed.
Alan Stephen?!
Christine Look, I Am Using This Vote, so I warn you, if it’s not going in that box then I’ll be shoving it somewhere. Got it?
Stephen This box will have to be removed from the count.
Laura That’ll delay the result!
Stephen Well it’ll delay the result, then.
Chika Can someone just explain to me what’s been going on here?
The first bong on the radio.
Howard First bong! I still have to vote! I just . . . (panicking, getting upset, searching) can’t find my . . .
Second bong.
Alan Alright, I’m getting some order in here, Jesus. Hands up if you’re in here to vote?
Third bong.
Lola I am. I’m owed one.
Alan Right.
Fred Me too.
Stephen/ Kirsty/ Laura/ Alan No!
Fourth bong.
Chika Mr Crosswell, I need you to tell me what’s happened here.
Stephen Yes, of course.
Fifth bong.
Kirsty Stephen, wait, it was me too! I did it too. I mean we all did, right, Laura?
Sixth bong.
Laura . . . I . . . I don’t know what to do . . .
Seventh bong.
Howard I need somebody to help me. It’s all I have.
Eighth bong.
Chika stands in front of the box, guarding it, and radioing in.
Chika Right, everyone remain where you are, and stay away from the box.
Ninth bong.
Kirsty Stephen?
Stephen Ssh! Wait. Let me just . . . hear it. Before I go . . .
Tenth bong . . .
An announcement on the radio, as the lights begin to fade . . . ‘The news, at 10 o’clock. We have just received the Exit Poll undertaken for today’s General Election, and the numbers are as follows . . .’
Blackout.
Monster Raving Loony
‘Whatever is funny is subversive. Every joke is a custard pie’ George Orwell
‘There is no such thing as a joke’
Sigmund Freud
Monster Raving Loony was first performed at Theatre Royal Plymouth in a production with Soho Theatre, London, on 6 February 2016 with the following cast and creatives:
David Sutch Samuel James
The Band Joseph Alessi
Camilla Beeput
Joanna Brookes
Jack Brown
Director Simon Stokes
Guest Director Cal McCrystal
Set & Costume Designer Bob Bailey
Composer/MD Tom Attwood
Lighting Designer Chahine Yavroyan
Sound Designer Gregory Clarke
Video and Projection Designer Duncan McLean
Characters
David Sutch, aka Screaming Lord Sutch, 3rd Earl of Harrow.
The remaining parts are played by members of The Band: (Music Hall). Max Miller – Champagne Charlie
(The Beano) Lord Snooty
(Pantomime) Dame Annie
(Bedroom Farce) Pauline – Mrs Nichols – American Pilot – Mr Nichols
(Pete and Dud) Peter Cook – Dudley Moore
(The Goon Show) Greenslade – Bluebottle – Eccles – Minnie – Henry
(Hancock’s Half Hour) Returning Officer
(Carry On) Barbara Windsor – Kenneth Williams – Brian Blessed
(Frost Report) John Cleese – Ronnie Barker
(Till Death Us Do Part) Alf Garnett – Else – Rita
(Monty Python). Callaghan – Wilson – Heath
(The Young Ones) Mayall – Edmonson – Planer
(Morecambe and Wise) Wise
(Monty Python) Cleese – Jones
(Steptoe and Son) Albert
(Some Mother’s Do ‘Ave ‘Em) Interviewer
(Hi-de-Hi) Ruth Maddoc – Sue Pollard – Simon Cadell
(Yes Minister) Minister – Civil Servant
(Allo Allo) Constable – Michelle – Von Kinkerhoffen
(Blackadder) Baldrick – Percy – Queenie – Melchett
(Just a Minute) Nicholas Parsons – Julian Cleary – Sandi Toksvig
(Only Fools & Horses) Rodney – Boycie – Marlene
(Absolutely Fabulous) Patsy – Sapphie
(Alan Partridge) Lynn
Part One
The South Harrow Social Club. May, 1997.
Around the room are framed black-and-white images of the acts that have visited on the circuit. Comedians and musicians; Tommy Cooper, Victoria Wood, Gerry and the Pacemakers, the Dave Clark Five.
There is perhaps a raised stage where the acts come to perform. Sparkly drapes that have seen better days. Other Working Men’s paraphernalia – a dartboard; a television on a bracket in one corner, playing a montage of classic England ‘World Cup Moments’ (most of them painful).
All audience members should have been given club items upon entry – a raffle ticket, say, and a bingo card. Party bags and party hats. A Landlady and her ‘staff’ could be handing out small sandwiches and cups of tea, gossiping during the pre-show.
A Band tuning instruments on stage.
Landlady Hello, can you hear me? Hi. Er, good evening, welcome to the South Harrow Social Club. Please give it up for our act tonight – The Savages!
Band Member Hullo. Pleasure to be back. ‘Home turf’.
I, uh . . . I’m afraid this evening we are without our leading man. This being the day it is, and as many of you’ll know, him doing what he does . . . But, we’ll play on, spirit of the blitz. Workers’ solidarity. Uh, and we need the money.
Ey, and I hope you’ve been out, exercising your democratic right. Too late now if not, serves you right. Anyway. Enough of that. A one, two –
David Sutch – a big rosette, top hat, leopard-print jacket – enters. Looking around.
One by one, the Band notice, and stop playing. Looking at him, confused. He’s handed the mic.
Sutch takes it. And goes to speak . . . but can’t think of anything to say. Beat. The Band kick into the song again, the opening instrumental.
Sutch (singing). ‘The old rocker wore his hair too long. Wore his trouser cuffs too tight.
Unfashionable to the end – drank his ale too light. Death’s head belt buckle – yesterday’s dreams.
The transport caf’ prophet of doom. Ringing no charge in his double-sewn seams. In his post-war-babe gloom . . .
Now he’s too old to rock ‘n’ roll; Too young to die . . .
Yes he’s toooooo old to to rock and roll, but he’s . . .
The squeal from the amp, a shock of electricity, and the power cuts out.
The TV fuzzes back to life, news footage of election night, May 1997. A Labour landslide.
With another flicker, and distorted feedback from the amps in the darkness, the footage begins to wind back, through the years.
Tony Blair, the New Labour leader, promising ‘We will build – a new Britain’. Through post-war governments, to the Blitz, to –
Clement Attlee, with his Labour Landslide, a generation earlier. ‘We will build . . . Jerusalem, in England’s green and pleasant Land.’
Max Miller on screen.
‘Thanks very much, I expected more, but I’m satisfied. Haha! Now here’s a funny thing.’
In our own semi-darkness, one of the Band Members appears, transforming into Max Miller, stepping forward almost like a ghost, haunting the place.
Sutch watches . . .
Max Miller ‘Now then, do you want jokes from the white book or the blue book? Blue? I knew it, looking at yer. You’ll get me in trouble with the Lord Chamberlain, that’s right. Well what about this one then, ey? I remember this one time, I was walking along this narrow mountain pass – so narrow that nobody else could pass you, when I saw a beautiful blonde walking towards me. A beautiful blonde with not a stitch on her, yes, not a stitch on, lady. Cor blimey, I didn’t know whether to toss myself off or block her passage.
Now, don’t laugh too loud alright, cause the management’ll hear and they’ll know we’re being rude.’
The TV flickers to something else.
The old ‘Lion Comiques’ – entertainers dressing up as rich people to poke fun.
Another Band Member appears as Champagne Charlie, top hat and tails, monocle, grotesque expressions, against the ethereal sound of his famous song.
Champagne Charlie (singing) ‘For Champagne Charlie is me name, Champagne drinking is my game
There’s no drink as good as fizz fizz fizz I’ll drink every drop there is, is, is.’
Sutch watches . . .
The TV flickers again – and we hear the lines (what we’ll later learn to be, ‘The Great Dictator’).
‘You must speak.’
‘You must. It is our only hope.’
Sutch looks out, wondering what to say.
The TV flickers again – music, and the title card for ‘The Tramp’ (the 1915 silent movie).
