by L. D. Davis
I kissed the kids. In another time and place, I could’ve been kissing Marco, too. It could’ve been our ritual, but there was no use in me thinking about what could’ve been. I had enough of that on my plate. My mind was full of woulda-coulda-shouldas about Gavin Senior. All day, every day. My thoughts and guilt both freed me and tortured me. It was quite the contrast, and I couldn’t choose just one.
Again, Marco’s voice took me from my thoughts. “Kyle and Lily will be here around four-thirty. Do you want me to bring something home for dinner?”
Lily and her family were coming to stay for the weekend. It would be my first time seeing her since our fight the day after her wedding, but we’d spoken almost daily since we made up over the phone.
“Sofia and I are going to cook. Your mom gave me some recipes I want to try.”
He smiled at that. He liked that I kept in touch with his family. Occasionally, I spoke to Massimo or one of the sisters in texts, but I talked to Elena weekly, if not more.
“Bring sweets,” Sofia suggested. “Cheesycake.”
“Cheesecake,” Gavi corrected, peering at her over the top of his glasses.
She responded by kissing his cheeks until he was pushing her away and complaining about how gross she was. The kids went out the door. Marco kissed Mandy and Sofia. He knew better than to even try with me, but that didn’t stop him from gazing at me as if he really wanted to.
Dara came over about an hour after they left to watch Mandy so Sofia and I could go get everything we needed for dinner. After a trip to an Italian market about a half hour away, we went to a regular grocery store for the remaining items on our list and went back to the house to start our four-course menu. I was excited and nervous about it. I hadn’t gleaned much from Elena while I was in Italy, and I worried that I would fail, but with Dara and Sofia, I felt more confident about the turnout.
Lily and Kyle arrived a few minutes before five. I expected some awkwardness between my sister and I, but as soon as she walked through the door, she threw her arms around me and hugged me tight.
“Look at your little bump!” She gently touched my belly. “I can’t believe you’re having twins.”
“I’m still pretty shocked myself,” I admitted.
“Do you like your new doctor?”
“Yeah, she’s the best around, of course. You know Marco would settle for nothing less. Hi, Kyle.” I accepted his brief embrace before peeking into the baby carrier at my slumbering niece. I couldn’t believe how much she’d grown in just a couple months.
“Have either of you met Marco’s youngest sister Sofia?” I gestured to the girl standing just behind me.
Lily immediately switched to Italian as she greeted her with a kiss to the cheek. It was rather chaotic for a little while, as the kids came tearing into the room to greet their aunt and uncle and Amara startled awake. I took the baby for a few minutes while Sofia took Lily and Kyle to a guest room at the back of the house. Dara and her husband, Micah, arrived a few minutes later, and Marco came home with wine and tiramisu “cheesycake” just as the bruschetta hit the table.
Dinner was lively and pleasant. Voices and laughter drifted around the table along with the food that turned out surprisingly well. No one needed to know how dysfunctional I was at making tortelli pasta, especially since they all loved it. Marco was especially impressed. I didn’t want to admit it anyone, but his opinion mattered most in this case. Elena had told me that it was one of his favorite dishes and that he always requested her to make it when he visited or when she came to the states.
With so many people in the house, it felt even warmer and homier than before. I felt genuinely happy for the first time in months. The last time I felt anything close to it was when we were flying to Italy and Marco had kissed me. Everything seemed so possible then. If we hadn’t been in the air already, I probably would’ve floated up to the clouds on my own.
That was the last time I’d been really happy, and as I considered that, sadness crept in. I worried that I would never feel that again. I wondered if I even deserved to feel that again. Maybe all the bad things that happened with Marco was owed to me for the way I’d treated Gavin. I’d made him out to be the bad guy for years, when in reality, I’d been the bad guy. I’d been shortsighted and selfish, and in the end, he’d lost his life because of me.
“Lydia?”
Not for the first time, I was snapped out of my own thoughts by Marco’s voice. It was the only voice that could penetrate my fog almost immediately.
“Yeah?”
I could tell by the way he watched me that he knew I’d gone down a dark road in my mind.
“I said I ran into Hadley today and she has asked for you to give her a call.”
My nose scrunched. “Hailey? Or Hadley?” There had been one of each at the Herrington party.
He smirked. “Hadley. Hadley Blackwood.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot she sent me a friend request on Facebook back in December. I never responded because I haven’t really been on and I forgot. What does Hadley Blackwood want with me?”
It wasn’t like we had anything in common. She was Manhattan and Long Island upper crust. I was just…crust. The kind you peel off your peanut butter sandwich.
“Apparently you made an impression on her.”
I snorted. “I tend to leave an impression on a lot of people. Most of them don’t try to contact me afterward.”
“I did,” Marco said, which made the rest of the adults fall silent. They all knew that we weren’t a couple, even if they didn’t know why.
I wasn’t going to do this with him in front of an audience. I pretended I hadn’t heard his two words. “What does Hadley want with me?” I repeated.
He sighed, disappointed I didn’t take the bait. “Like I said, you made an impression. She would like to gage your interest in joining the planning board and to officially invite you to the ball.”
I was about to say no, to all of it, but Lily saw it written all over my face and jumped in with her two cents.
“If you don’t want to go to the ball, fine, but consider the planning board. At least talk to her about it first.”
I shrugged and made no promises.
It was late night when Lily and I were finally left alone. Micah and Dara went back to their place, all the kids were asleep, Sofia was in her room, and Marco and Kyle went into Marco’s home office for whiskey and cigars.
“Whiskey and cigars,” I muttered as the door closed. “Who does that in real life?”
“Our boujee men.” Lily rolled her eyes before focusing them on me.
I knew by the determination on her face that there would be no small talk, no smooth openings for the discussion we needed to have. My sister was cutthroat and got right to the point.
“We need to talk about Gavin.”
I knew this conversation was going to happen eventually. We had touched on it just briefly weeks ago when I was still in Ohio. Since then, I’d had a lot of time to think while packing and unpacking. I’d always felt shame and guilt about what Gavin and I’d done to Lily, but I’d felt those emotions more heavily over the past several weeks. I had tried to apologize to my sister in the aftermath years ago, but for obvious reasons, she hadn’t wanted to hear it. Last year I thought we reconciled, but reconciliation isn’t accomplished by sweeping a bad history under the rug and hoping no one looked too closely at the mess. Our problems went unresolved all this time, and I couldn’t blame her for that. It had to start with me.
I held my sister’s gaze. As much as I wanted to look away, bow my head, and shy away with my tail tucked between my legs, I gave her every ounce of humility I had.
“You’re wrong, Lily. We don’t need to talk about Gavin, but we do need to talk about us, about you and me. First and foremost, I want to officially, wholeheartedly, apologize to you for my hurtful, disgusting actions, my thoughtlessness, carelessness, and selfishness. I know you may never fully forgive me, and I will understand and live with that, but I am
sorry, Lily. I am so fucking sorry.”
Chapter Twenty-eight
Lily and I talked for hours. My sincere, tearful apology seemed to break down barriers I hadn’t realized were there. Much of what we had to say wasn’t easy, but we’d been more open with each other than we had been since before our fallout years ago. One night of conversation wasn’t going to fix everything. Although she said she’d forgiven me, I think she said it because it was what she really wanted, but I knew if complete forgiveness ever came, it would be a long time. She may have moved on with Kyle, but that didn’t erase her past. It didn’t change what I’d done to her.
I’d stopped saying we, as in Gavin and me. He was the other half of the betrayal equation, but I hadn’t been responsible for his actions no more than he’d been responsible for mine. I felt by saying “we” or “us” was an attempt to negate some of the responsibility, like saying “yeah, I know I did this bad thing, but I only did half of it and should only receive half the consequences.” Besides, Gavin was gone. He couldn’t defend himself or make his own excuses or apologies. It wasn’t right that I spoke for him, wife or not. Instead, I played the second video for my sister, the one where Gavin discussed Lily and his guilt. I didn’t share the rest because the rest were for me. They were too personal. I really felt his love for me through those videos. However, despite the circumstances, I was unwilling to share that, even with the woman who’d had his love first.
We talked about things we hadn’t really talked about before, like what her life was like after Gavin. She had been bitter, obviously, but she hadn’t let that stop her from moving forward and making plans for her life. She’d finished school, made friends, and even had a couple serious relationships before Kyle. I didn’t go into every detail of my marriage with Gavin, but I told her enough so that she understood how it was for us, how it was for me. I wasn’t searching for her sympathy or validation. I just wanted my sister to know me. In doing so, I also told her about my relationship with Marco. Again, I didn’t divulge every aspect of our story, but shed enough light for her to see what mattered.
“I haven’t even opened my Christmas gifts from him,” I said, staring into the fire.
Lily leaned forward. “Really? You weren’t even curious?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “A little.”
“Well, I’m extremely curious. You should open them. Besides, Christmas was months ago. If you never had any intentions of opening those gifts, you would’ve tossed them out already. You just haven’t had the backbone to do it.” I narrowed my eyes at her, but she only shrugged. “It’s true.”
“Well, I’m not opening them now. The boxes are deep in my closet and I’m not going all the way upstairs just to get them.”
Instantly, my sister was on her feet, biting at the bit. “I’ll go. Just tell me where.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“I’m not the one who has Christmas gifts still wrapped and collecting dust in her closet because she’s a chicken shit.”
I waved a dismissive hand. “Fine. Go get them. Back left corner of my closet. They’re in a moving box with red tape.”
She returned faster than I expected, holding the two boxes wrapped in red and green striped paper. I stood up, suddenly feeling panicked about it.
“I can’t open them out here. What if he comes out?”
Lily rolled her eyes and gestured toward her bedroom with a nod of her head. “Let’s go to my room. For the love of all that’s good in this world, just please don’t wake the baby.”
I followed her into her room where she deposited the boxes on the bed. One box was a little bigger than a shoe box and a little heavy, but the other one was smaller and lighter.
“Do it!” Lily whisper shouted.
“Shut up,” I growled, but started to open the bigger box first.
Five minutes later, the contents of both containers were spread out across the bed. Two coloring books, a big box of crayons, several boxes of candy, a pack of microwaveable popcorn, three DVDs, and a small box of hanging lights.
Lily’s nose crinkled. “I don’t get it.”
If I had opened the gifts on Christmas, I would’ve melted into a puddle of romantic goo. Even now, as I tried to harden my heart, I felt like scooping all the items up and running to Marco, but I refrained from doing that.
“On our first date, he set up a tent in the living room,” I explained, reaching for a coloring book. “We sat in it and watched movies, ate junk food, and had coloring contests. It was a great time.”
She picked up the movie Kronk’s New Groove, and smiled wistfully. “That’s actually really sweet. Kyle and I didn’t actually have a first date. You’re very lucky, you know?”
I didn’t answer her. I couldn’t, or I would cry. Silently, I packed everything back into the bigger box while Lily disposed of the wrapping paper.
“Do you want me to take it back upstairs?”
I cleared my throat and shook my head. “No. Can you put it in the closet in here? I’ll deal with it later.”
She studied my face as she took the box from me. “I was alone when I was pregnant,” she whispered. “Kyle was more than three-thousand miles away. He wasn’t there for me. Marco has been here for you, and he has been here for your children. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but I want you to consider that with all the pushing you are doing, you might end up pushing him too far one day, Lydia, and he might not come back. Think about if that’s what you really want.”
A tremor ran through me at her words, but there was no time for me to address it. Amara woke up with a squeak and then a scream, putting an end to our evening of sharing.
It was after midnight when I left her to tend to her daughter. I couldn’t help but to smile as I left the room, watching her with the infant. The child was wet and screaming her pretty little head off, but Lily was absolutely smitten.
As I headed upstairs, I noted Kyle and Marco were still locked away in his office. I wondered what they were doing in there, what they were talking about, but I didn’t go investigate.
Only a couple hours later, I stood up from my bed and looked down at my belly. I didn’t know if it was because I carried twins or what, but I was hungry all the time, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. During the day I was able to ignore it, but that was hard to do at night. Usually I had some kind of snack in my bedside table drawer, but the drawer was woefully empty when I checked.
I was halfway down the stairs when Kyle came into view, quickly followed by Marco as they exited his office. Surprised, I paused my descent as the men stopped to converse. They both looked tired. Marco especially looked burnt and frustrated. His hair was askew as if he’d had both hands in it many times throughout the night.
“Get some rest,” Kyle told him, clapping him on the shoulder. “We’ll get back at it in a few hours.”
“This is a fucking disaster,” Marco responded, gripping his hair in both hands.
My mouth opened a bit. He rarely cursed out in the open like that. In the bedroom, that was another story, one that made my neck prickle with heat just to think about. Whatever the “disaster” was must’ve been a true one indeed to make Marco drop the F bomb.
Kyle spoke reassuringly to his friend. “It’s not over yet. We’ll brainstorm in a few hours after we’ve had some sleep to reset our brains.”
After a moment, Marco nodded. “Okay. Thank you for your help.”
They shook hands. Kyle went to the fridge while Marco headed toward the stairs. He was about halfway across the living room when he seemed to become aware of my presence. His head lifted and his eyes met mine. There was a time when I used to think he could see into my soul, but if that had been true, he would’ve trusted me back in Italy. The thought didn’t make me angry as it usually did. This time, as I thought of the gifts sitting in guest room closet, I felt profound sadness.
“Lydia, are you okay?” He moved toward the staircase, which compelled me to move again.
“I�
��m fine. Just hungry.”
He stood at the bottom, studying me from head to toe as I approached, concern etching lines between his eyes. When his gaze landed on and lingered on my stomach, my heart lurched. He stared at my belly with an awe I was becoming well acquainted with seeing on his face. When he started to reach out to touch it, I stiffened. He noticed it, met my eyes, and withdrew his hand. Now he just looked as sad as I felt.
“Can I do anything for you?” he asked quietly. I could smell the whiskey on his breath. He must’ve had quite a bit through the night, even though his words were straight, and he wasn’t staggering or anything.
My head shook from side to side. “No. Thank you.”
He seemed so deflated by that, so disappointed that I didn’t need him to do anything for me. With his head low, he murmured, “Let me know if there is anything I can do. Anytime.”
He went around me and headed upstairs. I turned slightly to watch him, the slump of his shoulders and the slowness in his steps. I hated how much I wanted to touch his face and tell him to talk to me.
I turned away, trying to push aside my feelings, and went to the kitchen. Kyle was still there, sitting on a stool, his phone in hand.
“Late night snack?” he murmured as he typed.
I sighed. “Every night. I usually have some upstairs, but I ran out. Lily told me she used to wake up at four in the morning for weeks and couldn’t go back to sleep unless she had ice-cream and French fries.”
There was a brief hesitation before he responded. “I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t really there throughout her pregnancy.”
“I know.” I turned away to retrieve cheese and grapes from the fridge.
“She told you? Everything?” Kyle asked my back.
“She told me enough. I didn’t need to know everything. Why are you still up? Why aren’t you going to bed?”
It took him a few seconds to respond. I knew he was probably wondering exactly what Lily told me about them. “I’m writing an email to an acquaintance to see if they can help Marco out.”
