by Jessica Leed
The letters.
There had been many of them passed back and forth over the years. His responses even back then, had been full of wisdom, kindness and encouragement. So much so, she had kept every single one of them in her ‘special box,’ hidden away in the back of her cupboard in Aringdale. They hadn’t been romantic letters but held a depth to them that made her heart glow like a ray of sunshine on an overcast day.
A man who would without fail, be by your side through all seasons of life.
As soon as the words surfaced in her thoughts, she dismissed them. Why they presented themselves there, she didn’t know. They were irrelevant, and well and truly expired.
Especially in reference to him.
He hadn’t been around for half her life. Well, not for the significant part anyway. He hadn’t been there when she moved to Melbourne, where she struggled months on end with home sickness. He hadn’t been there when her dream of becoming a dancer came crashing down. He hadn’t been there for the myriad of setbacks she encountered before she eventually found her feet again.
He hadn’t been there for well, everything in between that too.
So, no, he hadn’t been there for every season of life. As kids he had been, but not during the most pivotal events of her life, and that was the reality.
She wasn’t bitter, at least she didn’t think she was.
She was disappointed. But equally disappointed in herself. Seeing Ethan again and the way it felt like home in his company like no time has passed at all, validated that.
He had always felt like home to her. So much so, she never had the courage to cross that line with him while she was growing up, in fear she would lose that exact feeling of what home meant to her.
And it meant everything.
Even though her feelings for him had developed into something deeper that year, she knew it hadn’t been worth the risk to express them. How many couples that got together in their teens actually stayed together forever?
Next to none.
She knew the statistics and it was enough to make her keep quiet. He was her best friend that and in itself was something she definitely hadn’t wanted to stuff up. Especially during a time where puberty was striking hard. She didn’t want to make any impulsive decisions when her flying hormones were doing exactly that.
When her best friend, Sadie, took an interest in him, she was flooded with waves of jealousy and an anxiety so intense—she felt as though her world was coming to an end. A world she had created, consisting of him and her living happily ever after in. As a best friend, she felt as if it was her duty to set them up in some way, especially when Sadie was constantly gushing about how wonderful he was, asking every question under the sun about him. How it all came about, she didn’t know, but she remembered how difficult it had been to see her best friend so smitten over someone she had secretly claimed as her own. But she was careful not to give away how much this bothered her. Come to think of it, she had been a master at putting on a front—even back then. She would smile through the many tedious conversations, feeling her heart break a little more after every one. She didn’t know if Ethan liked her back at that point in time, but either way it hadn’t eased the pain. But he had never spoken about her in that light before. She remembered confronting him about it one afternoon on one of their many bus rides home.
‘What do you think of Sadie?’
He had looked at her with that cheeky crooked smile of his. ‘She seems like a cool girl. She’s quite the head turner, real pretty. Why do you ask?’
It was like taking a bullet.
‘Well, she likes you.’ Her smile so forced she swore he would have picked up on it. He must have known every one of her expressions. He knew her that well. But this time he hadn’t, or simply had overlooked it.
Instead, his eyes had lit up. ‘Really?’ His arm brushed beside hers, taking notice of the butterflies that usually danced inside become violently squashed.
‘Yeah. She kinda can’t stop talking about you.’ She found a laugh. ‘Can you please just ask her out already so I can get her to shut up?’
He grinned. ‘She can’t stop talking about me?’
She wanted to slap it from his face.
‘Well, yeah.’
‘Hmmm …’ His smile turned to a smirk, making Sienna feel sick.
‘What?’
‘Nothing.’
‘So … are you going to ask her out?’ She knew she sounded desperate, but she hadn’t cared. She needed to know the answer.
‘Calm your farm,’ he laughed, ‘I barely know the girl.’ He jabbed her sides playfully, sending her body abruptly back against her seat. ‘But I’d definitely like to start. Maybe we can all hang out tomorrow.’
She didn’t have a single doubt that he would like her, that he would fall for her. She was a beautiful brunette, not to mention athletic, intelligent and witty like himself. It was then she realised from that day forward, their recess and lunch times would never be the same.
‘Why do you do that?’
His face gave away nothing. ‘Do what?’
‘Tickle me like that all the time?’
He scrunched his face up. She wasn’t sure where the question had come from, but at that point of time she felt it was her last chance for some indication of his feelings for her—If there were any at all.
But the vague look on his face told her it was all in her head. It told her everything she was feeling, that home feeling, was simply not shared. She would shut up. The vibe was definitely tense for the rest of the bus ride home as she stared glumly out the window. She had nothing left to say.
Just as she anticipated, everything did change.
The days where they would walk laps around the school soon became nothing but a distant memory. Instead, she fell straight into being the third wheel. It wasn’t long before he was laughing with Sadie in the way he once had laughed with her, making her feel as though everything she believed they had, was solely in her imagination.
When the two of them weren’t all over each other, they were talking about each other constantly. The bus rides she once looked forward to, soon became something she dreaded. She would stare out the window as Ethan rattled on about how amazing her best friend was and how crazy it was that he could see a future with her already. To say they were smitten was an understatement.
Eventually she stopped writing letters to him, not that he seemed to notice anyway. Not once did he ask after them, even though their letters had become a daily occurrence by this point. As soon as she stopped writing, her desire to be open with him left her. She could feel their friendship slip away somewhere into the background as Sadie soared to the foreground.
And just like that, her walls went up and she closed her heart off to him.
It wasn’t until a couple of months into their relationship where she took an interest in one of Ethan’s close friends. Tommy was cute, a little scrawny, but a sweetheart. Best of all, he seemed to like her just as much. It wasn’t long before the four of them were hanging out, doing all the things and going to all the places she and Ethan had once found tradition in. Whenever Tommy held her hand or grabbed her waist as he swung her around, in the corner of her eye she would catch Ethan flinch. Even though it was subtle, she saw it. He would stop whatever he would be doing at the time and just stare, even if it lasted for a moment. She would pretend not to notice as she spiritedly flung her arms around Tommy’s neck, planting kisses on his cheek. She felt a bit guilty using him in this way, when all along she had the intention of making Ethan jealous. But at the same time, it had strangely filled her with a sense of confidence and made her feel desired.
Empowered.
Not only that, it ignited a thought. It made her wonder if it wasn’t all in her head after all, that there was actually a possibility that Ethan liked her. Even though Tommy was one of his closest friends,
he was still protective over her as although his mate was a complete stranger. It was a side she hadn’t expected to see after she had convinced herself he had forgotten about her.
‘Do you think you love him?’ he asked her one afternoon, on one of their usual bus rides home.
‘I don’t know,’ she answered, ‘but I know I’m falling for him.’
‘Yeah, ok.’ He sounded defeated, jealous even. That made her smile. Pretty big actually.
‘Why do you ask?’
‘Just checking in.’ His eyes met hers and he shrugged. ‘Just take it slow. You know … don’t rush things.’
This didn’t make sense to her.
‘You love Sadie and, well, I love Tommy. It has nothing to do with rushing. It’s a feeling I have little control over.’
‘Sienna, love’s not just a feeling,’ he stated dryly.
‘What?’ Irritation inflamed inside of her.
‘It’s a verb, an active choice that you—’
‘Are you seriously correcting me?’ she interrupted. ‘You don’t think I have that with Tommy?’
‘So, you do love him then?’
‘Maybe I do,’ she snapped.
‘Maybe?’
‘Yes. No! I mean …’ She sighed heavily and pushed her hair erratically behind her ears, avoiding his eyes. ‘Yes, I love him!’
With her head hanging low she slumped down in her seat and fiddled with the Pandora bracelet around her wrist.
‘Ok.’ his voice small, beaten.
She couldn’t work out why she was so frustrated at the time. Why his questions bothered her so much. But now, looking back on the memory from eighth grade, it had all been so clear. It wasn’t Tommy she had been in love with.
It was Ethan.
Nine
She didn’t ask him if there was anyone in his life.
She wasn’t sure why. Maybe she didn’t want to relive the scene of listening to him rave about how wonderful his girlfriend was all over again. No, she didn’t want her heart dragged back to that memory. Maybe she wanted to avoid a situation where her relationship could be compared against his. That could well have been it.
Or maybe she just didn’t want to hear it.
No further questions were asked about Patrick after that. It was a topic that held a tension far too strong to revisit. Besides, it was meant to be a simple dinner between two old friends. Or whatever they were.
And she was determined to keep it that way.
A part of her wanted to pour out every emotion held captive inside of her, screaming to be freed. Yet the other part simply didn’t have the faintest idea on how to go about it, her heart having been closed off to him longer than it had ever been open.
But truthfully, she was afraid. Terrified actually.
Terrified of what could be brought to surface if she looked deep enough.
The remainder of the night could have easily taken a turn after her little breakdown, but awkward silences rarely entered their repertoire. It hadn’t been back then and strangely, wasn’t now. It didn’t make sense that two people who no longer had a thing in common could still share a connection so strong.
She glanced at her watch to find that it was already nine thirty. Where all that time went, she didn’t know.
As they went to pay the bill she realised she wasn’t in any state to get behind the wheel. She had only had two drinks, but it was two more than she would normally have, and her head was left in a spin. Ethan, being as observant as always, noticed this straight away. They agreed to extend the night and get a coffee at the café a few blocks down until she was sober enough to make the drive home.
But as soon as they stepped outside, rain began to bucket down out of nowhere and they found themselves sprinting to her car for shelter. As they scrabbled inside and slammed the doors shut behind them, she found herself starting to laugh. She was drenched. Her blonde locks had quickly turned to a wet, matted mess. The rain on the roof was pelting down so violently, she could barely hear the sound of her erratic breathing that transpired. She turned to face him, her laugh growing louder at the sight of his hair that had been perfectly placed, now collapsed over his eyes like a sheep dog. As soon as he saw her laughing hysterically, he started to join in. The more he laughed, the harder she did. Just like old times, she found herself in seizures of laughter, leaving her stomach muscles in agony.
It felt good to laugh that hard.
That well.
They found themselves that way for a good five minutes before finally managing to pull themselves together. She inhaled, allowing the crisp air to fill her lungs. ‘Let me drive us there.’ She inserted her keys into the ignition.
‘Not yet.’ He sent her hand back into her lap. ‘Let’s just stay here for a minute.’
The combination of the smoothing tone of his voice and the therapeutic patter of rain allowed her to exhale, freeing any uneasiness as she fell back against the seat.
‘Ok.’ She was happy to be still. Still from her thoughts. Still from the anxiety wrapped around the walls of her heart.
‘Is it nice to be back here?’ His question took her off guard.
‘Here?’ As in, right here next to him the same way as a decade ago? She wasn’t sure she was ready to dive into …
‘Home.’ He shifted his body to face her. ‘Is it nice to be back home?’
She tilted her head back and took a moment to think. After being bombarded with a flood of conflicting emotions over the past ten hours, she hadn’t had the chance to make sense of any of them. Being back in Aringdale had never been so exposing.
A town that once had her fastened securely in a safety net, had somehow left her vulnerable. So vulnerable it forced her to confront every suppressed memory as her guard loosened, leaving her completely exposed.
She never expected being back in her family home after years would make her feel although she had never left. She never expected that every cell in her body would come alive again at the sound of Tchaikovsky; the famous classical music that filled the theatre that day. And she certainly didn’t expect to feel an inconsolable loss every time Ethan looked into her eyes with that damn crooked smile of his. It was her honest answer. If it was the year 2010 she might have voiced it.
But it was 2019, and everything had changed.
‘It has been like a breath of fresh air.’ It was close enough to the truth, just without the weight of emotions behind it.
He searched her eyes in the way where he knew her heart had more to say. She didn’t give him a chance to investigate.
‘Do you ever see yourself leaving here?’
‘I don’t think so. Everything is here that I need. My family, my business, my …’
Girlfriend. She waited in anticipation. Any time now.
‘My mates,’ he finished. ‘Aringdale is home to me. I don’t see myself leaving any time soon anyway.’
She nodded, not quite understanding the relief that had washed over her.
‘Do you think you will ever come back?’ He reclined the seat all the way back, allowing his legs to fill the space between. ‘To raise a family with Patrick?’
To raise a family.
Naturally, it was the next step they were heading towards. But out loud the idea sounded a million steps away. A step she hadn’t had the chance to process until now.
His face changed at the silence of her hesitation. ‘You haven’t discussed it?’
He was prying now. She hated it when he took things further than his business to know. So, what if they hadn’t talked about the exact location they were going to raise a family? Not every detail of her life had to be mapped out. It wasn’t even an issue.
She shrugged.
‘Ok then,’ he said, frowning.
It turned out that he was the one who clearly had more to say.
‘What
?’ she asked, curious to learn his thoughts.
‘The Sienna I know had her whole future worked out since she was, what? Thirteen? Fourteen? And as far as I remember, kids were definitely part of that plan. That’s all.’
She let out an abrupt snort. ‘The girl you knew,’ she corrected him. ‘Anyway, your question wasn’t whether we want kids, it was where we would raise them.’
‘So, you still do want kids then?’ he tested her.
‘Of course I do.’
‘Does Patrick?’
She sighed. Did he? She mentally sifted through their conversations over the years. Travel, yes. Marriage, yes. A German shepherd, yes. A house with a theatre room, yes. An annual holiday to Europe? Yes. But kids? No memory of such conversation came to mind. How has she not brought up having a family with him? Especially when family was everything to her.
Had been everything to her.
‘… I,’ the walls of her throat began to cave in. ‘I don’t know.’
Now it was his turn to sigh.
They sat quietly for a long moment, only the sound of the rain outside wedging their silence.
‘Ok … wow.’
He was looking out the window now, his eyes narrowed to slits with his lips pressed together as though the whole thing was a lost case. She could quite literally feel his judgement. She could only imagine what he was thinking. Something along the lines of how could she go into a marriage without having such discussion. He probably thought she was foolish for choosing to sign her life away to a guy who wasn’t on the same page as her. That didn’t want the same things as her. But how was it of any concern to him anyway? How could he just assume her plans were identical to the ones she expressed as her thirteen-year-old self?
‘You don’t know my relationship with Patrick, not a single detail. So, come on, please don’t speculate.’ There was a hostility behind her composed tone.
