by Jessica Leed
Sienna collapsed into her friends’ arms as soon as the door opened. They stayed that way for a while, allowing the moment of their reuniting to linger.
‘You’re so brown!’ Sienna pulled back and studied her once pale skin that was now bronzed from the summer sun.
‘I know, right? This never happens to me!’ She rolled up her sleeves showing off her tanned skin. ‘But let’s be honest it will all probably peel off in a matter of days and I’ll be back looking like Casper again!’ Her humour instantly made Sienna feel better.
‘Well, you look amazing, Casper or not.’ She stepped inside and squeezed her again. ‘Gosh I missed you. Don’t ever do that to me again.’ They broke apart. Jacqui’s deep brown eyes locked with hers and her expression deepened.
‘How have you been?’ her words came slow, careful.
Sienna sighed. ‘Is it possible for someone from a lifetime ago make you question everything you have ever known?’
Jacqui raised an eyebrow. ‘Patrick?’
Sienna shook her head, her spirits sinking back into the deep, black hole. ‘No,’ she answered, her breathing suddenly strained. ‘Ethan Kahler.’
‘Who?’ Jacqui’s eyes filled with a million questions.
They settled into the living room, curled their legs up on the couch and lifted a blanket over them.
‘I reconnected with someone from my childhood while I was in Aringdale.’
‘An old high school boyfriend?’
Sienna waved the question off. ‘No, we were never …’ she exhaled, ‘we never dated, but easily could have.’
Jacqui nodded with understanding, waiting for her to go on.
‘I know. I’ve known Ethan forever, yet I haven’t mentioned him once to you the entire time we’ve known each other. Some friend I am. You’re probably thinking, how can a guy so far back in my past possibly affect me in the way he has so strongly now? And out of nowhere.’ She wrinkled her nose, feeling the prickling of fresh tears emerge from the corners of her eyes.
What was with her emotions lately? She couldn’t seem to keep them under control. Jacqui reached for her hands. She took them.
‘It sounds like whoever this Ethan guy is, he’s obviously opened up wounds you didn’t realise you had,’ her words came slow, ‘or maybe haven’t worked through yet.’
This must have been a rare sight to her, Sienna wasn’t a crier.
‘He’s done more than that Jac, he’s made me feel alive again.’ She brushed away an escaped tear. ‘I used to be so different. I used to be brave, daring. I was this little ball of energy and nothing ever stood in my way. I used to embrace life with curiosity, a wonder, and I approached it to its fullness. I was always inspired, motivated, always working towards something. I had clear goals, ambitions … I knew exactly where I wanted to be and when.’ She inhaled sharply, unable to unravel the knot that has become of her thoughts.
‘And you know what? Family was everything to me. I used to be so close to mine. You wouldn’t have guessed that, right? I know, I never talk about them. You haven’t even ever met them. I’m lucky to make the effort to see them once or twice a year! Don’t know what happened there, how I could ever have considered spending time with them to be a burden.’ The suffocating lump failed to soften in her airway no matter how many times she swallowed.
‘I guess what I’m trying to say, through all of this word vomit is that in the short time I spent with Ethan, he somehow managed to delve in and rip out everything that had made me, me. Every single detail, and it’s confronting as hell. He somehow gave me the courage to want to find that person again, the girl I once was. The girl I recognise more than the one staring back at me in the mirror each day as I hide behind this bloody mask I’ve been wearing for god knows how long.’ She started to cry.
Oh god, she was actually crying.
‘And now I feel like I’m existing, floating, surviving. I don’t know what my future looks like. What our future looks like. I’ve been wanting to believe that I do, that there’s this whole plan, but I’ve got no idea. I can’t even begin to imagine it. Sad, I know, right? It is sad, and to honest, I don’t even know if I’m happy.’ She huddled her knees in closer to her and wedged them under her chin.
‘Patrick doesn’t look at me the way he used to. He’s only ever affectionate when he knows he’s being an ass, or when he’s drunk.’ She hung her head and shook it. ‘The way he speaks to me Jac … the way he belittles me. The way we can’t hold a single conversation before all hell breaks loose. I was aware of it, but not in the way that it all shouts at me now.’ Hot tears were rolling down her cheeks, yet somehow, she felt a freedom in her openness. ‘It only took a dinner, a box of old letters and a walk in a park to realise all of that.’
She probably had no idea what she was rambling on about, but it didn’t stop Jacqui from wrapping her hands around her and holding her tight. She didn’t say anything for a long moment.
‘Do you think that maybe you’ve been trying so hard to be the woman Patrick wants you to be and it took reuniting with this other guy to realise that while you were trying so hard to please him and be that perfect partner, you lost yourself along the way?’
She released her arms and looked into her eyes in a way that gave her the courage to confront her feelings, head on. ‘I think it’s more than that,’ she said slowly. Even under the warm blanket she somehow broke into a cold sweat.
‘It’s normal for a first love to stay with you. To make you take a step back and question how you have evolved and changed since they held your heart.’ Her smile somehow calmed her. ‘First loves are pretty powerful like that, no matter what people say.’
‘What if he has always stayed with me.’ It was hardly a question, rather a sense of knowing, knocking her down like a cannonball.
‘What do you mean?’
Sienna drew a shaky breath. ‘I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped loving him.’
Thirteen
By the time she set foot inside the classroom, the old Sienna was back.
The submissive who kept her focus on the task at hand, protecting the pressings of her heart from overriding any sense of reason.
Perhaps it was a coping mechanism, a façade that allowed her to carry on without breaking. It was a version of herself that was familiar, safe and numbed her from the emotional shackles Aringdale chained her with.
Now she was back, her identity wouldn’t dare be tested again.
Her conversation with Jacqui had provoked feelings, old and new, feelings she didn’t even know existed. Even though they had been brought to shore, they were washed away in the same wave of time.
Patrick was right in saying they wouldn’t see much of each other over the next week. Meetings for company projects and business proposals saw him focusing more on his relationship with work, than the strained one at home. She had used these lonely evenings fine tuning details of the curriculum plan for the school term ahead before making some last-minute classroom arrangements.
By the time the weekend came around, he had spent their last potential day together playing golf with friends, returning home in the early hours of the morning after a pub crawl. He had tried to gain her affection as he cuddled in behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist as his beer stained breath tickled her ears. She had been half asleep as he planted a series of kisses along her neck, whispering her name, along with a string of other words she hadn’t understood through his intoxication. Part of her wanted to embrace the sporadic moment of his hands over her neglected body, but another part of her didn’t know how to respond naturally to his touch in a way that had once been so instinctive. She was afraid her attempts of pleasing him would fall short of his expectation.
Expectations she no longer knew how to fill.
Instead, she had gently squeezed his fingers as they curled between hers. So gentle, she hadn’t been convinced he
had felt the acknowledgement of her presence. By the time she considered rolling around to bring her face to his, soft snores had bristled her ears.
There had been a small window to rekindle a connection lost, but within moments, the opportunity had passed. Maybe there would be another window.
But even then, only a miracle could change things.
She left home a good hour before she usually would when Monday came around. Patrick was sound asleep by the time she walked out the door and made the drive to school in the dark. She had been one of the first staff members to arrive, even beating Damian who basically lived at the campus.
She switched her classroom lights on and drew her attention towards the Indigenous humanities display she had set up in the corner of the room. Boomerangs, dotted art fabric, clay and print outs of famous traditional paintings covered the table. She had even sourced out a digeridoo and various puzzles representing the Dreamtime stories, all thanks to her father and his well-preserved childhood collection.
Presentation and attention to detail was something she always put a lot of energy into, especially when introducing a new topic to the kids. She was all about getting her students to explore as many senses as possible with their learning. Her detailed little set up made her feel confident that they would be inspired by this particular unit.
‘Good morning Miss Henderson.’
Her attention was directed down to the smiling, freckled face standing behind his desk in a well-trained manner.
‘Good morning Nolan. My goodness, you are here early.’ She peered at the clock on the wall. 7:47 a.m.
The bell wouldn’t go for another hour.
‘I hope that’s ok? I won’t disrupt you. I have my book to read. Actually, I think I have a couple. Aunt Lindsey had to get to work early, that’s why.’ He began unpacking his bag.
‘Oh, your aunt dropped you off today?’ She was glad he hadn’t travelled alone on the bus so early in the morning when it was still dark.
‘Yeah, she lives in the city so we had to leave super early. But I didn’t mind, it meant that I got to have McDonalds for breakfast. I’m never allowed that stuff!’
She smiled, nodding as she tried to piece it all together in her head. ‘That’s nice you got to spend some time with your aunty. I’m sure she enjoyed having you with her.’
Nolan shrugged a little too casually as he took a seat at his desk. ‘She doesn’t seem sick of me yet. So, I suppose we are having a good time.’
She took a seat next to him. ‘Don’t be silly! There is no way that she would be sick of you! A bright, kind, polite boy like you Nolan, she must be so proud! Tell me, how were your holidays? What was your most favourite thing you did?’
He wrinkled his nose and turned the colourful pages of his book. ‘Probably staying with Lindsey.’ His red matted hair flopped over the rim of his glasses. He whisked it back. ‘We did things I never get to do. We went to the movies and I was actually allowed popcorn. I even got to go to the aquarium and asked the tour guides a lot of tricky questions.’ He giggled at the memory. ‘He couldn’t tell me how many species of fish there are, or if it’s true that female seahorses release up to fifty eggs into the pouch of the male’s abdomen during mating. I think I may have embarrassed him actually. I didn’t mean to put him on the spot, I just wanted all the answers.’
He looked up with dancing eyes. ‘Anyway, we went home, well, back to Lindsey’s house and looked up some facts on the internet. There are over thirty-three thousand species of fish Miss Henderson, isn’t that incredible?’ He pointed to a great white shark on the page open in front of him. ‘Did you know that they have three hundred teeth, arranged in many rows? Maybe you can read this book to the class, if you want, and maybe we could have a quiz or something on it. I probably shouldn’t participate in the quiz part though. That wouldn’t be fair, because I’d know all the answers.’ He took a breath through his racing excitement. ‘I guess my most favourite part of the holidays was getting this book. Lindsey is so kind and she loves books just as much as I do. Finding that out was probably my second favourite thing. I think that was pretty cool.’
A smile filled her face. ‘Well, we can certainly share this book to the class, that’s a great idea.’ She watched Nolan beam as he flicked through the pages. ‘Maybe you can read a page or two to everyone during show and share this afternoon, would that be something you’d like to do?’ If there was an opportunity for him to interact with his peers and get him reading, she would jump on it.
A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. ‘Even though it’s not my day?’ He hesitated ever so slightly. ‘Sure, I guess I can do that. What pages should I read?’
His willing attitude surprised her. ‘Any page you like. You can choose. Maybe the one that talks about the great white shark, you seem to have a brilliant knowledge about that.’
He nodded with a confidence she hadn’t seen before. ‘Ok, I think I can do that.’
Sienna passed him the white board marker. He stood to his feet and began writing the days’ date in cursive before arranging the days’ timetable in order with the subject magnets. It was his special job, an unspoken routine since he was always the first student to arrive.
He enjoyed the responsibility of helping her out each morning. It was a simple task like this where she had seen Nolan slowly break away from his shell in a way he had become more vulnerable with her. A side of him she so badly wanted to come to light every morning as the bell went, and the classroom filled.
‘So, when do you go back to mum and dad? They must be missing you.’ She was over at her laptop now, sending resources to the printer she would later laminate.
‘I don’t think so,’ he said carefully. ‘They are always working heaps. They’re doing more overseas trips these days. But that’s ok, I don’t want to go home. I’m having fun with Lindsey.’ His eyes still firmly focused on the board.
She looked up at him, his robotic response rested uncomfortably upon her. ‘It is a very busy career, that one,’ she commented, knowing that Stuart was a pilot and Miranda an air hostess for Qantas. ‘But also, a very exciting one. Have you flown much Nolan?’
He shook his head. ‘I’ve never been on a plane before.’ The joy in his voice from earlier was gone. He sat back down at his desk, adjusted his glasses and turned to a new page in his sea animal book.
She pursed her lips together, trying her best to hold her tongue from firing the many questions bound around it.
Something didn’t add up. She could feel it in her bones.
‘Show and Share’ ran every afternoon during the last period of the day. It was a time where students had the opportunity to stand up in front of the class for two minutes and share something that was important to them. Being the first day of the week, there was always news to be shared, especially after a weekend. Some weeks were themed but being the first week of term with holidays behind them, she had left the topic open.
As students took their turn before him, Nolan fidgeted with his book, turning it over and over in his hands. It wasn’t unusual for him not to participate in the ‘questions and comments time’ at the end of each presentation. He rarely ever put his hand up, but he always listened intently. She couldn’t help but watch him as he sat at his desk, clearly distracted. It pained her that she had no idea what. She wondered then if it had been unfair of her to put him on the spot, to get him to present today when it wasn’t his day to do so. But he had been so enthusiastic in telling her about the holidays and his book she had wanted to give him the opportunity while his spirits were high and his knowledge was fresh.
It was Nolan’s turn to present.
He stood from his desk and made his way to the front of the classroom. She flashed him a warm smile, but his eyes avoided hers. They were focused down at his feet as he swayed back and forth. A student set the timer on the interactive whiteboard.
‘Good mo
rning everyone,’ he mumbled.
‘Good morning Nolan. What are you presenting today?’ the class responded in unison.
His book dangled down loosely in hands in front of him, his eyes still lowered. ‘Today I’ve brought this book.’ He lifted it slightly, his hands covered the words.
She could see the children twisting their heads about as they tried to take a glimpse of the title. She felt her heart sink. Where was the confident, articulate Nolan she had seen earlier?
The seconds on the timer were escaping as he stood there frozen as though it was the first time he has ever presented to the class.
‘How about that page you were showing me earlier Nolan? What was that one about?’ Her eyes exuded with warmth as she did her best to encourage him.
He looked up and nodded tentatively. ‘Um …’ He awkwardly positioned the book over the length of his arms and flicked through the pages.
Thirty seconds gone. Ninety remaining.
‘I like this page the most because it has some interesting facts about the great white shark.’ He waved it slowly in the air side to side for everyone to see before his hands lost grip and it sailed to the floor.
A few giggles escaped around the room.
He quickly bent down to pick it up, losing his glasses in the process. Sienna sent a stern scowl to the class and the giggling stopped in an instant.
‘They are amazing creatures, that’s for sure!’ she commended him a little too heartily. ‘What are some facts you can tell us about them?’ Usually questions and comments were reserved until the end, but she had to help him through this.
Fifty-two seconds remaining. He could do this.
He was wiping his glasses now, studying them a little too hard before he put them back on while the other hand awkwardly juggled the book.
