by Jessica Leed
His window was up so she knocked on it calmly and forced a quivering smile through the rattling of her teeth. The window slowly gravitated down. There next to Patrick was the pretty woman from the café.
The one with the short, cropped, blonde hair.
She stared blankly at him, finding it strangely satisfying to witness the shock written bold all across his face. His eyes discoed with fear and all she could do was look on as she watched him quickly pale in colour. Her heart collapsed with an excruciating pain as her worst fears became a reality right before her eyes. Somehow, maybe through the adrenaline of the moment, she found a smile.
‘I thought I’d surprise you and bring you dinner.’
Twenty-Two
She didn’t wait for a response.
She threw the container through the window, not caring if the satay spewed over him or his slutty companion as she bolted to her car. She could hear him calling out her name over and over again, but she didn’t turn around. She couldn’t bear the sight of him a moment longer. She needed to keep moving. She wouldn’t stop, otherwise she would burst into tears and would never recover.
It took three or four jabs to get the key into the ignition as her shaky hands sent her entire body into a seizure of spasms. If she failed to look like a complete lunatic before, she did now as she pulled out from the side of the road, turning the car around without a single head check.
Drive. Just drive.
It was all she had to do.
Focus on the task at hand.
She was repeating the words over as she stared out at the horizon with tears streaming down her face. She couldn’t go home. Not a chance. There was no way in hell she would step back into that apartment, not tonight.
Maybe not ever.
She just needed to keep driving. She could hear her phone demanding her attention from the passenger seat, but she ignored it. It continued to vibrate and she seriously considered throwing it out the window. She took it and threw it somewhere in the back of her car instead. Before she had time to process anything, she was making a turn onto the freeway and was following the big green signs to Aringdale. She didn’t have anything on her other than the clothes on her back and hopefully, a working phone. She didn’t even have her wallet. But she didn’t care, she just had to drive. She glanced at her fuel gauge, it sat on half a tank. She would get there comfortably on that. She would be fine, she wouldn’t need to stop for petrol. Not that she had a way to pay for it if she did.
She still couldn’t believe it. She was still in shock over his deceitfulness, even though a big part of her had expected it. But even then, no one should ever expect the worst from their partner. How dare he mislead her to think that he was working late? How many of those nights had been spent in his car kissing this woman? She refused to refer to the woman by her actual name. Fine, so maybe she wasn’t exactly shocked. She did know it had been going on for a while.
Really, she knew. She knew it the whole time. She should have trusted her intuition.
But how long was a while? How long had it been going on before she had seen her at Nancy Green’s that day? If she was shocked about anything, it would be the way he conversed with his mistress in broad daylight in front of her like it was the most natural thing in the world. How was he even capable of such a convincing poker face? He was a clearly good actor. Which only made her wonder how long he had acted with her. How well did she know him anyway? There was probably a lot of things she didn’t know about him. How much did he know about her? He never knew how much family meant to her, how she longed to dance or be part of that world again. He didn’t know how much she despised her job ninety percent of the time, or how broken she was after losing Ethan. But obviously, she wouldn’t voice that with him. He probably didn’t even know who Ethan was. In the same way she didn’t know who this other woman was, or how she captured his heart in a way she hadn’t.
There were still so many questions. Was this woman really Brad’s partner? Did Brad even exist? Or was she a coworker? Was she married? Did she care that Patrick practically was? Or did she not know? Maybe he had told her he was engaged, maybe he hadn’t.
Maybe none of it even mattered.
Because no matter what the answer was, it wouldn’t excuse a single second of it. Nor would it deteriorate the damage that had already been done. It would be easier to blame this woman, the affair, for what they had become. For shifting the blame onto an outsider who had never been accountable for the ruins of their relationship. The truth was, they had been broken for years. And like anything shiny and new, lust had found a thrilling escape from that.
The questions played over and over again in her head like a broken record. The more they looped, the less tears she had left to cry. Eventually the tears stopped building with every emotion overriding the previous one, making it almost impossible to know what to feel. She fell back into numbness. It was easier to cope that way. She couldn’t undo what had been done.
What good would tears do when she had already cried a lifetime supply of them already?
Exactly two hours and six minutes later she pulled into Mia’s driveway. According to the clock, it was almost nine thirty, but felt like it was midnight. The sun was well and truly down now, yet the stars lit the sky bright enough for her to catch her reflection in the rearview mirror. She barely recognised herself. She didn’t know who the woman was as a gaunt face stared back at her. One with hollow cheekbones and dark circles framing a pair of lifeless eyes.
She had hit rock bottom.
There was no way in hell she was going to explain any of it to her parents. As far as she was aware, they still believed all the lies she had fed them over the years. But with Mia, she wouldn’t have to. Because as soon as she knocked on that door, her sister would know.
She unfastened her seatbelt and reached her arm into the back seat, slapping her hand around in search for her phone. By now the battery had died and she didn’t have a charger. Not that she really cared as she had no desire to read a single word Patrick had to say. She would call her coordinator on Mia’s phone and leave a message until morning when she would call again. Relief teachers were called in all the time. She wasn’t worried.
She somehow managed to get out of the car feeling the brisk country air serve as a remedy, calming her almost instantly. Being conscious that Bailey would be asleep by now, she knocked on the door ever so gently. A light turned on in the passageway and footsteps made their way towards her sooner than she expected. The door opened to find Mia’s eyes wide as an owl, studying her. She probably looked as though she was dressed for Halloween with black smudges of mascara mixing in with her tear stained face.
‘Sweetie, what are you doing here?’ The look of shock liquified to one of empathy as Sienna’s body began to shake uncontrollably.
What was happening to her?
‘I couldn’t go home … I needed to get away. Far away.’ She took a breath, hoping the fresh air would calm her like before. But she couldn’t stop shaking. She sighed deeply, literally feeling her heart breaking inside her chest. ‘I’m sorry for just turning up like this. I would have called you, but my phone died and—’
Her sister threw her arms around her before she had a chance to finish her word vomit. ‘Stop that talk. You’re always welcome here, you know that.’
Her sister’s hand swept up and down her shoulder blade in a comforting rub. ‘What happened S?’ She pulled back and took hold of her bony shoulders, trying to still her. ‘My god, what happened? Are you ok? You’re scaring me.’
Sienna shook her head as the scene took form inside her head all over again.
How could he do that to her? To them?
‘Patrick’s having an affair.’
Mia nodded slowly with a sense of knowing that she knew had been there all along. Her eyes narrowed and began to glaze over as if she too, was about to cry. ‘That bastard.’ Sh
e pulled her in close again. ‘I knew he wasn’t good for you. I feared it would only be a matter of time until that idiot did something irreversible.’
This wasn’t helping, she was meant to be the calm, rational one.
‘Mia, please, don’t. He isn’t as bad as you think he is—’
‘What?’ She pulled back again, her big brown eyes exuded with rage. ‘Oh, come on, please don’t tell me you’re going to let him get away with this with just a little slap on the wrist. Sienna, without knowing any details, what he has done is unforgiveable.’
They got out from the cold and made their way down the hallway and into the living room. The TV screen held a still image from a familiar romcom movie.
Bridesmaids.
Of course it was. Out of all the movies out there, it had to be that one.
She didn’t care, she wouldn’t care. Not tonight. Not now. She wanted to end the conversation, curl up on the couch and watch something brain numbing in peace.
She sat down and stared at the screen. She didn’t want to talk. She was done talking. Done thinking. Done analysing every single detail. But Mia was standing over her, clearly wanting answers. They were silent for a moment.
‘Don’t get me wrong. I’m mad. I’m so mad at him for what he’s done. And yes, what he did deserves every horrible word under the sun, but that doesn’t mean he should be labeled as that. Because he isn’t that person. I know you don’t believe me, but he isn’t. Somehow, he lost his way over the years … the same way I have.’
She was crying again. But this time, for an entirely different reason. Because as soon as the words were spoken aloud, she realised the powerful truth they held. She realised that she was in fact, just as guilty as he was. She may never had cheated physically with Ethan, but emotionally, she had.
She barely slept that night, even after forcing three melatonin tablets down her throat. They were meant to be some homeopathic sleep remedy but felt as though she had digested sugar tablets. She had found them in the bathroom cabinet at some ridiculous hour. But after waiting half an hour for them to kick in her legs were still as jittery as ever as she tossed and turned, destroying the bedding in the process.
Her body clock woke her up at seven. She had woken up freezing and exhausted with the doona hanging off the edge of the bed. Her eyes felt like sandbags, heavy from the lack of sleep. She wouldn’t have had more than three hours. But all was forgotten as soon as she heard Bailey’s little feet pitter pattering down the hall. She passed her door, clenching her pink bunny, oblivious of her auntie’s visit until she made the double take. The way her face lit up said it all. She let out a little squeal and caved into Sienna’s arms. It felt liberating to be loved, adored, wanted. She could have spent forever following her niece around the house as Bailey entertained her with anything her little hands came into contact with.
After playing dinner parties, taking her doll for a stroll in her pram and putting her body through a serious stamina test of horsy rides, Mia finally woke. She found them in the kitchen as Sienna prepared Bailey’s breakfast of mashed banana on toast.
‘Can I employ you as my full-time nanny?’
Sienna positioned Bailey’s plate in front of her on the high chair and took a seat next to her. Her wiggling fingers danced with excitement before sinking into the banana. ‘When do I start?’ she asked, watching the banana go everywhere other than her mouth. ‘She’s so much fun. We’ve had a great morning together. Haven’t we?’ She kissed Bailey’s forehead as she nuzzled her little body into her.
Mia laughed and wrapped her dressing gown around herself tighter. ‘She loves her aunt Sienna, that’s for sure. Don’t you Bailey?’
Her brown eyes locked on hers as a sweet smile appeared on her little face. ‘Wuv voo!’ she managed through a mouth caked full of mushy banana.
They both exploded into laughter.
‘I have a charger for your phone, if you want it.’
Sienna nodded as an upsurge of anxiety closed over her. ‘Yeahhhhh. I should probably get onto that. I called work again this morning on your home phone and left another message but should probably confirm to see if it’s all sorted.’
‘‘I’m sure it’s all fine. I left it in your room.’ She opened the fridge door and took out condiments one by one. ‘Well, while you sort that out I’ll whip us up some French toast. You still eat that, yeah?’ She eyed Sienna up and down, making a point that there wasn’t much left of her.
‘I haven’t had it for years. I can’t say I really have an appetite right now, but I’m sure that will change as soon as my teeth sink into that goodness. Thank you!’
‘No worries. I think I have everything we need to make it.’ Her head disappeared into the fridge. ‘Ah damn. Out of eggs.’ She rummaged a bit more. ‘Oh god, I don’t even have milk for my coffee.’ She closed the fridge door, defeated. ‘How did I manage that?’
Sienna jumped to her feet. ‘What do you need? I’ll go to the supermarket now.’
‘Are you sure? Hang on, let me give you some money.’ She reached for her handbag.
Sienna waved it off, already making her way down the hallway. ‘I do have my bank card. I forgot it was inside my phone cover. It’s all good. Anything else you need?’ she called out. She spotted the charger and plugged her phone in.
‘I think that’s it for now. Thanks sis, you’re the best.’ Mia called from the kitchen.
‘Not a problem.’
She stared at her phone as she waited for it to start up. It finally came to life. Her heart clenched in anticipation at what messages would come through. After a minute or two her phone began to spasm uncontrollably. Nineteen messages, eight missed calls, three emails. She didn’t even know where to begin.
So, she left it.
Instead, she ignored the ones starting with a repulsive P and clicked on the missed called messages. As expected, she received one from work. Janine—one of the receptionists had assured her absence had been taken care of with one of the regular relief teachers stepping in. She felt her body ease in an instant. It was all she gave herself permission to care about, her only concern right now. She was surprised to see a missed call from Damian but even more so to see it paired with a text.
It’s unlike you to have a day off. Hope you’re ok. Let me know if you need to take a couple more. We’ve got you covered.
She couldn’t help but smile. Even though he had hardly looked at her the past couple of days, he still cared enough to check in. Maybe everything wasn’t as bad as she thought it was. And just maybe, she would be back at work tomorrow.
She changed out of Mia’s pajamas and threw on her clothes from the day before. She slapped on some foundation and mascara, tied her hair into a knot on top of her head and was out the door. The supermarket was only a ten-minute walk away, there was no need to take her car. She was happy to walk anyway. The fresh country air would do her good. She left her phone charging inside and took out her bank card. As far as she was concerned, she was happy to keep it there, unattended all day. She never expected she would feel so free without it. The longer she went without it, the longer life waiting for her could stay on hold.
It was cool out. She forgot just how cold the mornings were here. She enjoyed the quietness of her stroll, her vacant mind allowing room for her to take in the beauty that surrounded her. Peak hour here was nothing compared to the city. There were no hideous lines of cars banked up at the traffic lights, no one blasting their horns at each other. No sight of pedestrians dashing across a busy road rushing to catch public transport. It was calm, and peaceful. So peaceful she could meditate.
She could even hear the birds chirping as they danced from one tree to another. As she admired the flowers and smell of freshly cut grass along the pavement, she could actually see, hear and appreciate nature. It was enough to send a little spring to her step. Even though she had reached the lowest of lows, i
t was these little things that made her feel as though she wouldn’t be there forever.
And she hadn’t felt that way in a long time.
She entered the supermarket, feeling a gust of warmth welcoming her. She took her time, walking up and down every aisle, collecting a few extra things along the way. She decided that she would make a quiche for lunch, so she took an extra cart of eggs before filling her basket with everything else she needed. A chuckle escaped her lips as the ‘Backstreet Boys’ filled the building. Time really did stand still here. Even the playlist hadn’t changed.
‘Sienna Henderson, is it really you?’
She turned to the familiar voice behind her. ‘Mrs. Teasdale,’ she said smiling, acknowledging her old music teacher from her Mason Grammar days. One of the few teachers she adored, and also happened to be an old family friend.
The woman was exactly how she remembered her. Tall, slender, her barely greyed ginger hair was fastened back the same way to the side, held by a giant butterfly clip. Maybe it was even the same one? Surely not, how funny.
She chuckled. ‘Oh please, don’t make me sound older than I am.’ She sent Sienna a look that assured her that the formalities could be dropped.
‘Diane.’ Sienna laughed, correcting herself. ‘How are you? Are you still teaching?’
The woman put down her cart and placed one hand over the top of the other. Her posture so composed. ‘Yes, indeed I am. Still at Mason Grammar teaching music. Although head of performing arts now and have been for the past six years, mind you,’ she stated proudly. ‘What about you? Are you still here? Wait a minute … what about all that ballet you were doing? Did you end up going down that path?’
