by Taylor Dean
His eyebrows furrow deeply and his eyes are disturbed. “I apologize, Shay. My mistake. I’m so sorry.”
“You should be.”
His jaw clenches as he studies me for a moment. “I am, I didn’t realize . . . I’ll get a menu and you can choose. Anything you want, seriously, anything. Please, can we go back inside now?”
I’m so inexplicably filled with anger and I take several deep, cleansing breaths to calm myself down. “Okay. As long as I can make my own choice.”
“Of course. Whatever you’d like,” he says politely.
I cover my face with my hands. This is Jace. Not Asher.
Not Asher. Not Asher. Not Asher.
No comparison between the two. What am I doing?
My anger slowly dissipates as I come to my senses. I’m acting like a crazy lady. “I’m sorry. I really overreacted.”
“No problem. Let’s get you back inside. It’s chilly out here.”
“I can’t go back inside now. I’m sorry I embarrassed you. I made a fool of myself.”
He shrugs. “No big deal. I’ll say you had an important phone call you had to take. Just fake a smile and walk in like you own the place. No one will give it a second thought.”
I love his easy going nature. Life is so calm with Jace. He’s not a man who muddles situations. I try to force a smile. “How’s this?”
“Mmmm, not good. Too fake. Try again.”
I try to relax my facial muscles and flash him my best smile. “Better?”
He grimaces. “It’ll do for now.”
“That bad, huh?”
“No worries, you’re still just as beautiful.”
I look up at him, his face lit up by the street light and bury my head in his chest. He wraps his arms around me and holds me close. “I’m sorry,” I whisper again. It feels so good to be in his arms. I forgot how good he feels. I could stay in his embrace for a very long time.
“Shay,” he says softly, rubbing my back. I know I’m in big trouble. I wish I could erase that one horrible night so long ago from my memory and just let this happen. “I’ve missed you so much. I feel like I’m back where I belong,” he adds.
I think we both are.
He gently holds my arm and guides me back inside. “Sorry,” he tells the waiter. “We had an important phone call. May we see a menu, please? The lady would like to choose something else.”
The waiter doesn’t even blink at our strange behavior. He brings me a menu and says, “I’ll give you a few moments. Take your time.”
I peruse the menu and after a few minutes, I tell the waiter, “I’d like the special, please.”
Kudos to our waiter, he doesn’t even smirk. “Yes, ma’am.”
Jace looks at me with a question in his gaze. “It’s a lady’s prerogative to change her mind. At least that’s what my mom always says.”
“Smart lady, your mom.”
He’s quiet for so long, I begin to wonder if he’s going to ignore what just happened.
Finally he says, “Is that what he did to you?”
“He?”
“Your ex.” He takes one of my hands in his again and our fingers intertwine. I love the feel of my hand in his and I have no desire to pull away.
“Yeah.” I sip my water and let the cool liquid calm my hot throat. “After being married to Asher, I promised myself I would never let a man control my life again, even in small, seemingly insignificant ways. I’m sorry I overreacted. It’s ingrained in me now and I’m not sure that will ever change. I’ve come a long way, though. Right after I left Asher, I was one prickly lady. It didn’t matter if it was a man or a woman, I hated being told what to do. If I was driving down the road, knowing where I was going, and the passenger reminded me to turn at a certain place, I stiffened and felt defensive. I hate that I felt that way, but that’s the way it was. It still sneaks up on me every now and then. My experiences make up who I am, both bad and good. I try to shake it off, but it’s not easy.” Jace listens to me intently and I’m sure he’s reading between the lines. “Listen, we don’t need to talk about this now.”
“I want to know about your life and what you’ve been through. I want to know everything about you.”
I guess now is as good of a time as any to tell him about Asher. In many ways I want to tell him. Jace was my best friend and I know he’ll be on my side and support me. Besides, if I talk about me, then maybe he’ll open up about himself next. That’s the whole purpose for this dinner anyway. “What do you want to know?”
“Tell me about your marriage.”
“Are you sure you want to hear about that?”
“It’s not so much want to as need to. I think it will help me understand you.”
Jace wants to understand me. I’m touched by his interest, but I try not to show just how happy it makes me.
I don’t think I succeed.
CHAPTER
Nine
MY MARRIAGE. OKAY, here it goes.
“During my short marriage to Asher, I was like the proverbial frog in cold water sitting on the stove top. Slowly, the water began to boil and it took me forever to notice.”
He tilts his head forward. “But you did notice?”
“I did. When we first started dating, he would order first and order my food for me. It shocked me the first time he did it. I chalked it up to nerves and shrugged it off. But as we continued dating and he continued ordering for me, I finally spoke up and told him I wanted to order my own food. He seemed surprised by my request, but didn’t argue with it. So, I really didn’t think much of it. At the time I had no idea it was my first clue to the kind of man he was. Everything else seemed good between us.”
“What kind of man was he?” Jace asks, already absorbed in my story.
“In a nutshell, a man who liked to be in control.”
“I see.”
I doubt it. I didn’t know a man like Asher existed, much less to be wary of his type. “He told me he’d never been so in love with someone in his life and I fell for it. We married quickly, too quickly. That was my first mistake. I should’ve taken the time to get to know him better. We didn’t have a big wedding, we just went to the courthouse and got married. We told our families what we had done after the fact. We stopped by and visited my mom for two nights after our honeymoon. On the first night, he mentioned to me that he noticed my mom was a bit plump. He said, By the way, don’t get fat. Joking around, I said, What do you mean? You won’t love me if I get fat? In all seriousness, he said to me, Just don’t get fat. I thought it was such an odd thing to say to your new wife, I mean, who talks like that? He did. I just didn’t know it until after I married him. Again, I married him too quickly. On the way home from Mom’s house, he told me that I was too close with my mom and that I needed to break away from her. Naturally I was upset. When I asked him why, he said nothing should interfere with our bond as a married couple. I wasn’t about to change anything, but it seemed like a moot point since we lived far away from my mom. It was just another thing I shrugged off. I should’ve realized what I was up against at that point, but I was clueless. Still, it was a huge red flag.”
Jace looks down at his hands for a moment. I know this isn’t an easy thing for him to hear. “A red flag for what?”
“A man who is very possessive. When we talked about moving to Texas, he said he didn’t want to live close to my family because he felt I would ignore him.”
“He sounds insecure.”
“He didn’t come off that way, but in reality, I believe he was extremely insecure. He was a master at hiding it, but his behavior revealed his true self.”
The waiter brings us a basket of fresh bread. “Go on,” Jace says as he grabs a slice and lathers it with butter.
I miss my hand in his. “Do you really want to hear more?” I’m feeling like it’s his turn now.
“I do. I want to know what you experienced. Judging by your behavior a few minutes ago, it wasn’t good.”
“No, it wasn’
t.”
“Please tell me, Shay. I feel like I should know.”
If we’re getting back together, then yes, he should know. I’m not positive that will happen as of yet, but I take a deep breath and go on anyway. “So . . . we stayed in L.A. He lived on the opposite side of L.A. from where I was living. It was a nice neighborhood. His home was small, but upscale. When we decided to marry, I sold most of my belongings. His house was fully furnished and we didn’t need them. I sold my old clunker of a car because I was planning to buy a new one. I had enough in savings to buy a new-to-me car outright. I quit my job because of the long commute and moved into his house prepared to start a new life.
“As we settled into married life, he told me I didn’t need to worry about the finances, that he would take care of everything. He made it sound as if he was doing me a huge favor, like it was one less thing I needed to concern myself with. I agreed to it. Paying bills isn’t my favorite thing to do. I don’t think it’s anyone’s favorite thing to do. At that point, I was still blissfully unaware of what was happening to me. Even so, I didn’t mention my savings and I can’t really explain why.”
That’s not strictly true. After what happened with Jace, I knew relationships don’t last forever. My savings was my back-up plan, just in case the same thing happened to me again. But I don’t want to share that with Jace.
“When I received a very good job offer from one of the numerous job applications I had sent out, he sat me down and told me that I didn’t need to work, that he could support us. He said he wanted me to stay home and enjoy my life. But then he went on to say he worried about me having to go out into the world. He didn’t feel it was safe. He felt better knowing that I was safe at home because he loved me so much. Of course, I felt flattered that he cared about me to that extent. To be honest, I was looking forward to being a stay-at-home mom, so I readily agreed. If he wasn’t worried about only having one income, then I was fine with the plan.” I smirk and shake my head. “Even then, I didn’t get what was happening.”
“What exactly was happening?”
“In essence, I was being smothered in the name of love.”
His face contorts with dislike. “Okay. I can see that.”
“I wish I had seen it. Everything went well for a while. I cleaned house and baked a lot. He loved it. He always said I took such good care of him. I read lots of books and worked out. I painted and decorated every room in the house. There’s no doubt I was nesting and looking forward to having children. I talked about it often, but he never commented, not once. Of course, I only realized that on hindsight. On the surface everything seemed perfect. Underneath, a storm was brewing. Then one day I announced that we needed a second car.”
“And . . . that wasn’t okay?”
“He didn’t get angry, but he seemed flustered by my request. He pointed out that we did the grocery shopping and all the errands together after he got home from work every day. He expressed how much he loved doing everything together, that it made him feel like we were a team and that he liked knowing that I was safe when I went out to do my errands. It was true, we did do everything together and I did enjoy it. I told myself we were typical newlyweds who wanted to be separated as little as possible. I found myself agreeing that a second car wasn’t really necessary. I comforted myself with the knowledge that I still had my nest egg and that I could buy a car for myself anytime I wanted. But not having a car did make me feel slightly claustrophobic and there were things I wanted to go out and do during the day.”
“Did you know something wasn’t right then?” Jace asks.
“Not really. I think we all have the desire to be loved, it’s a basic human need. When someone is telling you how much they love you and how much they want you to be safe, it’s easy to believe them. It’s easy to not suspect that anything is amiss.”
“Did you buy a second car?”
“No, I put it off. While he was at work, I began to go for walks outside, just to get out of the house. I had no idea it would become an issue between us.”
“Wait. Going out of the house was an issue?” Jace asks.
“To him it was. I guess you could say my ignorance bubble was burst on the day he unexpectedly came home from work to pick up some files he’d left on his desk. I arrived home from my walk and he was furious. He said it wasn’t safe for me to go traipsing all over the place all by myself. He said something bad could happen to me, that L.A. was crime-ridden. He said he’d never been so worried in his life. He hugged me tightly and told me how much he loved me.”
Jace’s eyebrows knit. “Strange.”
“Right? He was so worried and I felt bad for causing him so much anxiety.” I take a deep breath. “But then everything came crashing down on me. It was that moment when everything fell into place and I could suddenly see everything so clearly.”
“What happened?”
“He asked me to promise I would never go out by myself again.”
“Whoa . . . you mean like ever?” Jace asks the question as if it is a ludicrous request. His response makes me feel validated, even though I don’t need anyone to confirm the feeling. Asher’s request was completely ludicrous.
“Yeah. He actually wanted me to promise that I would never, ever go out of the house by myself while he was gone. I felt speechless. I mean, here was this man telling me he loved me more than anything and that he was worried for my safety. It was equally sweet and appalling. I really struggled with my response. I’d lived in L.A. for several years before we were married, going to college and then working. I was used to L.A. life. That’s saying a lot when it’s coming from a little girl who grew up in Sweetwater, Texas. I was well aware of the crime situation, it wasn’t as if I was totally naïve.”
“So . . . what did you do?” Jace asks slowly.
“After saying Are you kidding me? a few times too many, I told him I could absolutely not make that promise. He was irrationally upset. He told me I would always be causing him worry and that I didn’t care anything about his feelings. I told him that I refuse to stay trapped inside the house all day. It put an immediate wedge between us. I think the wedge was always there, I just didn’t realize it until that moment. To be honest, I couldn’t believe we were actually having a fight over the issue. He really couldn’t see how bizarre and unreasonable his request was. But it was the moment I knew the water was starting to boil. All of his strange behaviors that I’d shrugged off suddenly seemed like huge neon signs screaming for my attention. He kept telling me that he loved me so much and that he couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to me. Looking back now, I realize he always twisted everything to make it sound as if he was just being a loving husband. It made me feel as though I was the one being unreasonable.”
“Hold up, are you saying your marriage turned into an abusive relationship?” His eyes flash with anger.
“Not exactly. I mean, he never hit me. Not once.” I’m thankful I’ve never dealt with that type of relationship ender. If a man ever hits me, it will be OVER before he has time to take his next breath—if he takes his next breath. “I wish my situation had been so black and white. I know he loved me, he just had a different way of showing his love.”
“Different how?”
“He showed his love by making sure I was safe and protected. I liked it at first. He made me feel pampered. It didn’t occur to me that when I chose to stay at home, I was doing exactly what he wanted. I thought I was doing what I wanted to do. In reality, I was tucked away in his home, right where he wanted me to be, spotless and untouched by the world. I belonged to him and him alone. The thing is, most of the time I didn’t feel as though I was missing out on anything. It was an easy and stress-free life. If we’d had children at that point, I think I would have continued to be happy. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.” I run one hand over my forehead. It isn’t pleasant to rehash my former marriage. “The thing is, I didn’t want to be forced to be a stay-at-home mom. That changes everything. I feel like
the joke was on him. He had me trapped, except I didn’t know I was trapped. I was happy with our life—that is, until he began to mandate what I did and did not do. He revealed himself and my eyes were opened. Wide and unblinking.”
“He was a fool.”
“Then came the final straw. Ash announced that he did not want children yet. He said he wanted me to himself, that he didn’t want to share me. I hate to admit this, but at first I loved when he expressed that sentiment. It seemed romantic and sweet. As time went by, it began to feel . . . almost creepy. Slowly I realized it wasn’t sweet at all, it was oddly possessive. It didn’t take long for me to grasp that not yet really meant never when it came to children. When I confronted him, he finally confessed that he just wanted it to be me and him forever. The word forever suddenly felt like a death sentence. He said he didn’t want children to intrude on our life together. We argued over it, but he was adamant. I told myself to just give him a few years. I figured he’d be ready by then.”
I take a sip of my water and prepare myself to tell the rest of my pathetic story. I feel as though I’m speaking of someone else, not me. It all feels so very far away, as if it was a lifetime ago. Jace squeezes my hand, encouraging me to go on.
“So, if we weren’t going to have children, I wanted to work. When I finally told him I wanted to get a job, that I was bored, he became very angry. He told me in no uncertain terms that it was out of the question, absolutely not. He didn’t feel it was safe. Then came the kicker. He said women who go out into the world and get jobs have affairs. He felt it was a proven fact.”
Jace raises his eyebrows and goes completely still. “Excuse me?”
I love his reaction. Jace would never say such a thing. “That was the moment I knew the water was full on boiling. It took me awhile, but suddenly I knew without a doubt that something was very wrong with him. I should have seen it coming from a mile away. I was so blind.”
