Suddenly, I’m crying. No, sobbing. Snot and tears are pouring down my face, and I can’t see through the deluge, and I feel like my entire person is going to turn into a puddle and slip between the cushions of the couch. But then Blakely is there. She smells like candy and vanilla, and she wraps her arms around me and pats my back.
“You aren’t going to be all by yourself, girl,” she says into my hair, holding my face to her shoulder like I’m a child.
I don’t have enough energy to be embarrassed about it.
She continues, “I’ll be here for you every step of the way. And so will your parents. You have a team around you. Who needs a prince?”
I chuckle through the sobs, but it’s a quick burst of light in the midst of the darkness.
Chapter 11
Christian
Freyja leans across the back seat and places her hand on mine. Her fingers are cold and dry, and I resist the urge to pull away.
“Christian, that dinner was lovely.”
I’m not sure how she would know considering she didn’t eat more than three bites of it. Much to my annoyance, Lady Freyja is the kind of woman who seems to publicly subsist on scraps of lettuce and dainty sips of water. Privately, I’m sure she tears into a meal the way any normal human being does, but even after two months of “courting,” she has yet to allow me to see the human side of her. I only get the public face.
“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” I say, the words as hollow as my smile.
She doesn’t notice and clutches my fingers, going on about who we saw at the restaurant, the dignitaries and heads of state we should take there for future visits. Every second of the day, she’s either doing something to advance her position in society or plotting how to go about it. It’s no wonder my father selected her as my potential spouse.
I watch her talk without hearing her, and I study her face. I have no trouble at all admitting Freyja is pretty. Beautiful, perhaps, by some measures. Her strawberry-blond hair is fine and shiny, bolstered by a few layers of extensions I only know about because she told me. Her face is thin, features soft and pleasant, and her clothes are well-fitted to her frame to make the most of the little curves she does have. Everything about Freyja is inoffensive, which stands in stark contrast to her personality.
“Next time we go, maybe we could request a private room,” she says.
She lets go of my hand and brushes her hair behind her shoulder. The movement echoes a memory of Jane-Ann pushing her long blond braid over her shoulder before whisking me out to the dance floor. It’s the only way the two women are similar.
“For such a nice restaurant, I can’t believe they don’t insist on a stricter dress code.”
I hum noncommittally. She spent most of our meal glaring at the couple sitting two tables away, enraged that the man was wearing dark wash jeans instead of trousers and the woman’s hair was dyed maroon. Through some great feat of self-restraint, I managed to bite my tongue and listen to her complaints, but if she didn’t get out of the car soon, I was going to lose it.
“We have arrived, Lady Freyja,” Gunner says, meeting my eyes in the rearview mirror, a knowing look on his face.
She sticks her lower lip out in a pout and places a hand on my shoulder. “When will I see you again? Are you going to come to the opening night of the opera?”
“When did you say that was?” I ask, wrinkling my forehead like I’m trying to think through my schedule.
“Thursday night. You have to come,” she whines, running her hand down the length of my arm and pulling on my hand. “I don’t want to go unescorted.”
Like she’s a Victorian woman incapable of going anywhere without a male chaperone. I promise myself a good long eye roll later to make up for not doing one now.
“I may be occupied that night,” I say, squeezing her fingers before pulling my hand back. “But I will check my schedule and let you know as soon as possible.”
Her lips purse in displeasure, but then the megawatt smile is back, stronger than ever. The relentlessly positive face she shows to the world, to me.
I think I would like Freyja better if she had the gall to tell me to screw my schedule and go with her to the opera. If she had the courage to ask for what she wanted rather than passive-aggressively punish anyone who upset her. Because I most certainly will be punished if I do not attend with her.
There will be snide remarks about how beautiful it all was and what a shame it was that I missed it. If that doesn’t do the trick, she will mention my absence during a conversation with my father, prompting him to chide me for not taking her. It will become a reference point for future events in which I do not wish to accompany her. You missed the opera, so I thought this would be a nice way to make it up to me.
Freyja is unoriginal.
She leans across the seat and pecks my cheek. I let her, making no move to turn my face toward her. So, she does it for me, grabbing my chin and pressing her lipstick-coated lips to me. She taps my nose with the end of her finger, a knowing smile on her face. She thinks I’m playing hard to get—unable to believe I might actually be hard to get. Because the thought that any man could turn away from her is unfathomable to Freyja. She has always had anyone she wants, and now, thanks to my parents, she has me.
As she saunters up the stairs toward the hotel where my parents have paid to house her for the foreseeable future, I think that it is time to find my way out of this arrangement.
I see the additional guards parked outside my gate and want to tell Gunner to keep driving. But he is no doubt ready for the evening to be over, and I will have to come home eventually. I can’t avoid it forever. And even if I did, I feel confident my father would still be waiting for me.
So, I walk inside with my shoulders back, relaxed. He’s here because he wants to surprise me, to unsettle me. But I won’t allow it. He is in my house now. King or not, I get to decide how I’m treated inside it.
My father is in my office, sitting behind the desk with a pile of papers in front of him as if it is his own. It is just a list of potential charities I could select as the beneficiary of an upcoming fundraiser, but it still feels like an invasion of privacy.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” I ask, leaning against the door.
He doesn’t look up, but I notice the lift in his brow. “Let’s begin the conversation with honesty, Christian. We both know you do not find my company to be a pleasure.”
I make no move to correct him. “How long have you been waiting? Had I known you were planning to visit, I would have come home sooner.”
He shuffles the papers together and pushes them to the side of my desk. His hair is longer than I’ve ever seen it. Still dignified enough for a royal, cropped above his ears and an inch from his collar, but still shaggy.
He and I have the same pale blond hair. One of the few similarities we share. In most regards, I take after my mother’s side of the family. My shoulders are more narrow, my waist tapers in, my arms and legs are long. Father is more compact, sturdy. I stand a couple inches taller than him, but his width has always been intimidating. On more than one occasion, I felt certain he would wrap his meaty hand around my neck and squeeze.
“I would never interrupt your evening with the lovely Freyja.”
Lovely Freyja. The only nice words I’ve ever heard my father say about anyone, and they are about Freyja. It is so typical of him I could almost laugh. Almost.
“How is she, by the way?” he asks. “I haven’t seen her since last weekend when you invited her to brunch.”
“Mother invited her to brunch,” I clarify, though I regret it immediately. Father’s mouth tightens, and though little else about his face changes, I can see the disdain dripping from him. “But Lady Freyja is doing fine. I just dropped her at home. We went to dinner.”
He nods slowly, his eyes moving around the room, inspecting my furnishings, no doubt, before landing on me. “You are expected to propose to her,” he says casually, as though announcing the weathe
r. “You understand that, don’t you?”
My instincts recognize his words as the attack they are, and my body stiffens, pulls inwards. I tighten my arms across my chest, rise from my relaxed position against the door to a standing position, and square my feet to my father. I can’t believe I took up such a comfortable pose in the first place. It had been wishful thinking that for once, my father’s appearance in my life would bring good news. Or, if not good, at least neutral. But that had been naïve. Nearly thirty years with him should have taught me that he does not show me any attention unless it is to remind me of my duties and the many ways I am failing in them.
“No, I did not understand that,” I say as calmly as I can muster. “I was under the impression that my life was my own, and I would choose my own bride. How silly of me.”
He lets out a sigh and steeples his fingers beneath his chin. “There is no need for the dramatics, son. Lady Freyja is a fine woman.”
“She is a woman. The qualifier of ‘fine’ would be dependent upon the audience, I suppose.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Red is rising in his cheeks from my audacity to question his judgment. “She is beautiful, comes from a respected family, and maintains a good standing in the public eye. The people love her.”
“Then have them marry her,” I shout, momentarily losing control of my temper. I reign it back in as quickly as I can and take a breath. “I am not going to assess my future wife like I would an employee. There are other factors to consider, and I simply do not see myself spending a life with Freyja. Regardless of her physical attributes.”
Father leans back in the chair, the springs squeaking as his heft shifts. His blue eyes are icy, and I feel them burning through me as I stand before him.
“Would you rather I allow you to select from one of the many women you’ve no doubt desecrated this home with?”
I feel my lip pull up in a snarl but manage to keep a tight leash on the words threatening to pour out of me.
Father continues, either unaware of the rage boiling below my surface or encouraged by it. “If Lady Freyja came to you wearing more revealing clothing and half-drunk, would you be more able to see a life with her? Honestly, Christian, you cannot waste any more of your time with the trash you are accustomed to. It is time to grow up and live up to your potential.”
I raise an eyebrow at that. “You believe I have potential? That’s news to me.”
Father stands up, his face unaffected and distant. “You have always been the victim, haven’t you? Everyone is out to get you. Me, your mother, the people of Sigmaran. Everyone’s expectations of you to behave with some level of restraint are a noose around your neck that you will never be free of.”
“Choosing my wife for me goes beyond expecting me to behave,” I snap.
“And it would be unnecessary if you showed any sign of acting your age or your rank,” he barks back.
The apathetic expression is gone, replaced with wide eyes and flared nostrils. He takes a step closer to me, and I resist the urge to step back. To put more distance between us.
“You believe you are the only future king to be treated this way,” he says, “but there have been many before you. Many men who were born to greatness who refused to accept the mantle. Well, your mother and I aren’t going to allow you to shirk your responsibility to your people, your country, or this family. If that means selecting a wife for you and leading you by the hand like a toddler to the dinner table, then fine. We will do that. But it would be better for everyone if you would stop pretending we were doing this for our own benefit.”
I lean forward, my eyes never leaving his, and laugh. It is a short, violent noise. “And it would be better for everyone if you would stop pretending you were doing any of this for my benefit, Father.”
He stares at me, unwavering, unblinking. I’m half-tempted to wave my hand in front of his face to be certain he has heard me. Instead, I continue talking.
“You monitor me to protect your own reputation. To avoid any negative press that my being a free person would bring down upon you. To pretend otherwise is to insult both of our intelligence.”
Father takes slow steps across the room, and I again have one of those moments when I think he might throttle me. But instead, he walks to the door, pauses, and turns around.
“Your mother and I did not meet one another until after we were engaged. I had my reservations about the match, but over time, we came to love one another. The same will happen for you and Freyja.”
Before I can say anything, he sweeps out of the room. A minute later, I hear my front door open and close.
Once I am certain he is gone and won’t reappear the moment I let my guard down, I walk over to my desk and drop down in the chair, still warm from my father. I poke the stack of charities, toying with the idea of flipping through them in search of one, but in the end, I fold my hands over my stomach and lean back, staring up at the ceiling.
No one had ever told me my parent’s marriage was not a love match, yet I’m not at all surprised. It is easy to see my mother is a stabilizing presence for my father. Even in his deepest rages, he rarely points his anger at her. And if he did, it didn’t take much more than a stern look from her to correct him and send his ire elsewhere.
But still, love? I had never considered the possibility that they loved one another. Respected one another? Perhaps. Tolerated one another? Definitely. But love?
Perhaps, respect and tolerance are a kind of love. And perhaps, that is all I can hope for.
The thought is too dreary to contemplate for long, so I shuffle out of my office, closing the door on the room and the conversation I’d just had in it, and go to bed.
Chapter 12
Christian
Before the conversation with my father, I had already promised my mother I’d join the family for dinner the following day, so unable to think of a worthwhile excuse short of having caught the plague—which even then may not have spared me the uncomfortable meal—I head to the main palace just before seven.
Everyone is already sitting at the table when I arrive, and five sets of eyes turn toward me as I walk in.
Mother smiles and waves for one of the servants to bring me a plate. Much to my dismay, it is placed in the seat to the right of my father’s.
Quickly, I decide moving it to another chair would be more uncomfortable than enduring his close proximity, so I claim my seat, ruffling Niles’ hair as I do. He squirms away from me, running quick fingers through his hair to smooth it down again.
“We were not sure if you were coming,” Father says between bites of chicken.
“I said I would be here.” I smile at everyone, feeling an uncomfortable amount like Lady Freyja smiling through whatever emotion she is hiding behind it.
He shrugs. “And in this case, your word was your word. How wonderful.”
In this case.
He’s baiting me. I know this. For some unknown reason, my father wants to argue with me. Wants to prove to everyone that I am a classless brute who cannot get through a single meal without exploding. My parents are worried about my effect on my younger brothers, but what of their father? What of the man who torments his own children for some sick kind of pleasure?
Though honestly, I do not know if he finds pleasure in it. Rather, it might be some kind of compulsion he cannot help. Like a robot helpless to deny its programming, my father can’t help but poke and prod at those around him until they snap or yield to him. Right now, I refuse to do either.
I turn to Jory, who is hiding his peas beneath a pile of mashed potatoes. “How are your studies going? Are you still studying Mandarin?”
He sits up quickly, color rising in his cheeks, and I envy him the fact that avoiding eating his vegetables is his biggest problem. Once my question registers in his mind, he sags in his seat and groans.
“Yes, but I still don’t know a thing. My tutor wants our entire lessons to be in Mandarin starting in one week, and I don’t even know the
greetings.”
“That’s because you don’t do the homework she assigns,” Erikson says.
Jory scowls at his older brother, and I can tell by the way he jerks in his chair and Erikson winces that he has kicked him under the table.
In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve missed out on having brothers. I am twelve years older than Erikson. By the time he could talk and walk and play, I was almost out of the house and, at the time, uninterested in a six-year-old’s company. I’ve always filled more of an uncle role than anything else, and when my relationship with my parents is also strained, it becomes a bit of a sore subject.
Father keeps eating, pretending he hasn’t heard this, though Mother fixes Jory with furrowed brows.
“You’ll take an exam at the end of the year,” she says. “If you fail, we’ll enroll you again.”
When Mother turns her attention back to Father and begins a discussion about an upcoming gallery opening she is hoping to attend, Erikson leans in to Jory and whispers, “Just do it right the first time. Trust me. It’s easier that way.”
Even though Jory had just kicked him under the table, the two share a commiserating glance, and I’ve never felt like more of an outsider in my own family.
“Maybe Freyja and you would like to accompany me, then?” Mother says, eyes suddenly on me.
I try to replay the conversation in my head but come up empty. Mother repeats herself. “Your father cannot accompany me to the gallery opening, but Lady Freyja likes art, doesn’t she? It could be a fun date for the two of you, if you don’t mind me tagging along.”
I nod. “She does enjoy art, but I’m afraid I do not. I would only slow the two of you down.”
“You don’t want to come?” she asks, spearing a chunk of roasted butternut squash with her silver fork.
I can’t decide if the gesture was meant to look as violent as it came off.
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