[5]
CONCERNING THE MUTUAL FRIEND
'I wonder where the dear Mutual gets to these afternoons,' said Dallas.
'The who?' asked MacArthur. MacArthur, commonly known as the Babe, wasa day boy. Dallas and Vaughan had invited him to tea in their study.
'Plunkett, you know.'
'Why the Mutual?'
'Mutual Friend, Vaughan's and mine. Shares this study with us. I callhim dear partly because he's head of the House, and therefore, ofcourse, we respect and admire him.'
'And partly,' put in Vaughan, beaming at the Babe over a frying-panfull of sausages, 'partly because we love him so. Oh, he's a beauty.'
'No, but rotting apart,' said the Babe, 'what sort of a chap is he? Ihardly know him by sight, even.'
'Should describe him roughly,' said Dallas, 'as a hopeless, forsakenunspeakable worm.'
'Understates it considerably,' remarked Vaughan. 'His manners arepatronizing, and his customs beastly.'
'He wears spectacles, and reads Herodotus in the original Greek forpleasure.'
'He sneers at footer, and jeers at cricket. Croquet is his form, Ishould say. Should doubt, though, if he even plays that.'
'But why on earth,' said the Babe, 'do you have him in your study?'
Vaughan looked wildly and speechlessly at Dallas, who looked helplesslyback at Vaughan.
'Don't, Babe, please!' said Dallas. 'You've no idea how a remark ofthat sort infuriates us. You surely don't suppose we'd have the man inthe study if we could help it?'
'It's another instance of Ward at his worst,' said Vaughan. 'Have younever heard the story of the Mutual Friend's arrival?'
'No.'
'It was like this. At the beginning of this term I came back expectingto be head of this show. You see, Richards left at Christmas and I wasnext man in. Dallas and I had made all sorts of arrangements for havinga good time. Well, I got back on the last evening of the holidays. WhenI got into this study, there was the man Plunkett sitting in the bestchair, reading.'
'Probably reading Herodotus in the original Greek,' snorted Dallas.
'He didn't take the slightest notice of me. I stood in the doorway likePatience on a monument for about a quarter of an hour. Then I coughed.He took absolutely no notice. I coughed again, loud enough to crack thewindows. Then I got tired of it, and said "Hullo". He did look up atthat. "Hullo," he said, "you've got rather a nasty cough." I said"Yes", and waited for him to throw himself on my bosom and explaineverything, you know.'
'Did he?' asked the Babe, deeply interested.
'Not a bit,' said Dallas, 'he--sorry, Vaughan, fire ahead.'
'He went on reading. After a bit I said I hoped he was fairlycomfortable. He said he was. Conversation languished again. I madeanother shot. "Looking for anybody?" I said. "No," he said, "are you?""No." "Then why the dickens should I be?" he said. I didn't quitefollow his argument. In fact, I don't even now. "Look here," I said,"tell me one thing. Have you or have you not bought this place? If youhave, all right. If you haven't, I'm going to sling you out, and jollysoon, too." He looked at me in his superior sort of way, and observedwithout blenching that he was head of the House.'
'Just another of Ward's jars,' said Dallas. 'Knowing that Vaughan waskeen on being head of the House he actually went to the Old Man andpersuaded him that it would be better to bring in some day boy who wasa School-prefect than let Vaughan boss the show. What do you think ofthat?'
'Pretty low,' said the Babe.
'Said I was thoughtless and headstrong,' cut in Vaughan, spearing asausage as if it were Mr Ward's body. 'Muffins up, Dallas, old man.When the sausages are done to a turn. "Thoughtless and headstrong."Those were his very words.'
'Can't you imagine the old beast?' said Dallas, pathetically, 'Can'tyou see him getting round the Old Man? A capital lad at heart, I amsure, distinctly a capital lad, but thoughtless and headstrong, far toothoughtless for a position so important as that of head of my House.The abandoned old wreck!'
Tea put an end for the moment to conversation, but when the lastsausage had gone the way of all flesh, Vaughan returned to the soresubject like a moth to a candle.
'It isn't only the not being head of the House that I bar. It's the manhimself. You say you haven't studied Plunkett much. When you get toknow him better, you'll appreciate his finer qualities more. There areso few of them.'
'The only fine quality I've ever seen in him,' said Dallas, 'is hishabit of slinking off in the afternoons when he ought to be playinggames, and not coming back till lock-up.'
'Which brings us back to where we started,' put in the Babe. 'You werewondering what he did with himself.'
'Yes, it can't be anything good so we'll put beetles and butterfliesout of the question right away. He might go and poach. There's heaps ofopportunity round here for a chap who wants to try his hand at that. Iremember, when I was a kid, Morton Smith, who used to be in thisHouse--remember him?--took me to old what's-his-name's place. Who'sthat frantic blood who owns all that land along the Badgwick road? TheM.P. man.'
'Milord Sir Alfred Venner, M.P., of Badgwick Hall.'
'That's the man. Generally very much of Badgwick Hall. Came down lastsummer on Prize Day. One would have thought from the side on him thathe was all sorts of dooks. Anyhow, Morton-Smith took me rabbitingthere. I didn't know it was against the rules or anything. Had a grandtime. A few days afterwards, Milord Sir Venner copped him on the hopand he got sacked. There was an awful row. I thought my hair would haveturned white.'
'I shouldn't think the Mutual poaches,' said Vaughan. 'He hasn't gotthe enterprise to poach an egg even. No, it can't be that.'
'Perhaps he bikes?' said the Babe.
'No, he's not got a bike. He's the sort of chap, though, to borrowsomebody else's without asking. Possibly he does bike.'
'If he does,' said Dallas, 'it's only so as to get well away from theColl., before starting on his career of crime. I'll swear he does breakrules like an ordinary human being when he thinks it's safe. Thoseaggressively pious fellows generally do.'
'I didn't know he was that sort,' said the Babe. 'Don't you find itrather a jar?'
'Just a bit. He jaws us sometimes till we turn and rend him.'
'Yes, he's an awful man,' said Vaughan.
'Don't stop,' said the Babe, encouragingly, after the silence hadlasted some time. 'It's a treat picking a fellow to pieces like this.'
'I don't know if that's your beastly sarcasm, Babe,' said Vaughan,'but, speaking for self and partner, I don't know how we should get onif we didn't blow off steam occasionally in this style.'
'We should probably last out for a week, and then there would be asharp shriek, a hollow groan, and all that would be left of the MutualFriend would be a slight discolouration on the study carpet.'
'Coupled with an aroma of fresh gore.'
'Perhaps that's why he goes off in the afternoons,' suggested the Babe.'Doesn't want to run any risks.'
'Shouldn't wonder.'
'He's such a rotten head of the House, too,' said Vaughan. 'Ward maygas about my being headstrong and thoughtless, but I'm dashed if Iwould make a bally exhibition of myself like the Mutual.'
'What's he do?' enquired the Babe.
'It's not so much what he does. It's what he doesn't do that sickensme,' said Dallas. 'I may be a bit of a crock in some ways--for furtherdetails apply to Ward--but I can stop a couple of fags ragging if Itry.'
'Can't Plunkett?'
'Not for nuts. He's simply helpless when there's anything going on thathe ought to stop. Why, the other day there was a row in the fags' roomthat you could almost have heard at your place, Babe. We were up hereworking. The Mutual was jawing as usual on the subject of cramming tipsfor the Aeschylus exam. Said it wasn't scholarship, or some rot. Whatbusiness is it of his how a chap works, I should like to know. Just ashe had got under way, the fags began kicking up more row than ever.'
'I said', cut in Vaughan, 'that instead of minding other people'sbusiness, he'd better mind his own for
a change, and go down and stopthe row.'
'He looked a bit green at that,' said Dallas. 'Said the row didn'tinterfere with him. "Does with us," I said. "It's all very well foryou. You aren't doing a stroke of work. No amount of row matters to achap who's only delivering a rotten sermon on scholarship. Vaughan andI happen to be trying to do some work." "All right," he said, "if youwant the row stopped, why don't you go and stop it? What's it got to dowith me?"'
'Rotter!' interpolated the Babe.
'Wasn't he? Well, of course we couldn't stand that.'
'We crushed him,' said Vaughan.
'I said: "In my young days the head of the House used to keep order forhimself." I asked him what he thought he was here for. Because he isn'tornamental. So he went down after that.'
'Well?' said the Babe. Being a miserable day boy he had had noexperience of the inner life of a boarding House, which is the reallife of a public school. His experience of life at St Austin's waslimited to doing his work and playing centre-three-quarter for thefifteen. Which, it may be remarked in passing, he did extremely well.
Dallas took up the narrative. 'Well, after he'd been gone about fiveminutes, and the row seemed to be getting worse than ever, we thoughtwe'd better go down and investigate. So we did.'
'And when we got to the fags' room,' said Vaughan, pointing thetoasting-fork at the Babe by way of emphasis, 'there was the Mutualstanding in the middle of the room gassing away with an expression onhis face a cross between a village idiot and an unintelligent friedegg. And all round him was a seething mass of fags, half of themplaying soccer with a top-hat and the other half cheering wildlywhenever the Mutual opened his mouth.'
'What did you do?'
'We made an aggressive movement in force. Collared the hat, brainedevery fag within reach, and swore we'd report them to the beak and soon. They quieted down in about three and a quarter seconds bystopwatch, and we retired, taking the hat as a prize of war, andfollowed by the Mutual Friend.'
'He looked worried, rather,' said Vaughan. 'And, thank goodness, he letus alone for the rest of the evening.'
'That's only a sample, though,' explained Dallas. 'That sort of thinghas been going on the whole term. If the head of a House is an abjectlunatic, there's bound to be ructions. Fags simply live for the sake ofkicking up rows. It's meat and drink to them.'
'I wish the Mutual would leave,' said Vaughan. 'Only that sort of chapalways lingers on until he dies or gets sacked.'
'He's not the sort of fellow to get sacked, I should say,' said theBabe.
''Fraid not. I wish I could shunt into some other House. Between Wardand the Mutual life here isn't worth living.'
'There's Merevale's, now,' said Vaughan. 'I wish I was in there. In thefirst place you've got Merevale. He gets as near perfection as a beakever does. Coaches the House footer and cricket, and takes anintelligent interest in things generally. Then there are some decentfellows in Merevale's. Charteris, Welch, Graham, Thomson, heaps ofthem.'
'Pity you came to Ward's,' said the Babe. 'Why did you?'
'My pater knew Ward a bit. If he'd known him well, he'd have sent mesomewhere else.'
'My pater knew Vaughan's pater well, who knew Ward slightly and thereyou are. _Voila comme des accidents arrivent_.'
'If Ward wanted to lug in a day boy to be head of the House,' saidVaughan, harping once more on the old string, 'he might at least havegot somebody decent.'
'There's the great Babe himself. Babe, why don't you come in nextterm?'
'Not much,' said the Babe, with a shudder.
'Well, even barring present company, there are lots of chaps who wouldhave jumped at the chance of being head of a House. But nothing wouldsatisfy Ward but lugging the Mutual from the bosom of his beastlyfamily.'
'We haven't decided that point about where he goes to,' said the Babe.
At this moment the door of the study opened, and the gentleman inquestion appeared in person. He stood in the doorway for a few seconds,gasping and throwing his arms about as if he found a difficulty inmaking his way in.
'I wish you two wouldn't make such an awful froust in the study_every_ afternoon,' he observed, pleasantly. 'Have you been havinga little tea-party? How nice!'
'We've been brewing, if that's what you mean,' said Vaughan, shortly.
'Oh,' said Plunkett, 'I hope you enjoyed yourselves. It's nearlylock-up, MacArthur.'
'That's Plunkett's delicate way of telling you you're not wanted,Babe.'
'Well, I suppose I ought to be going,' said the Babe. 'So long.'
And he went, feeling grateful to Providence for not having made hisfather, like the fathers of Vaughan and Dallas, a casual acquaintanceof Mr Ward.
The Mutual Friend really was a trial to Vaughan and Dallas. Only thosewhose fate it is or has been to share a study with an uncongenialcompanion can appreciate their feelings to the full. Three in a studyis always something of a tight fit, and when the three are in a stateof perpetual warfare, or, at the best, of armed truce, things becomevery bad indeed.
'Do you find it necessary to have tea-parties every evening?' enquiredPlunkett, after he had collected his books for the night's work. 'Thesmell of burnt meat--'
'Fried sausages,' said Vaughan. 'Perfectly healthy smell. Do you good.'
'It's quite disgusting. Really, the air in here is hardly fit tobreathe.'
'You'll find an excellent brand of air down in the senior study,' saidDallas, pointedly. 'Don't stay and poison yourself here on _our_account,' he added. 'Think of your family.'
'I shall work where I choose,' said the Mutual Friend, with dignity.
'Of course, so long as you do work. You mustn't talk. Vaughan and Ihave got some Livy to do.'
Plunkett snorted, and the passage of arms ended, as it usually did, inhis retiring with his books to the senior study, leaving Dallas andVaughan to discuss his character once more in case there might be anypoints of it left upon which they had not touched in previousconversations.
'This robbery of the pots is a rum thing,' said Vaughan, thoughtfully,when the last shreds of Plunkett's character had been put through themincing-machine to the satisfaction of all concerned.
'Yes. It's the sort of thing one doesn't think possible till itactually happens.'
'What the dickens made them put the things in the Pav. at all? Theymust have known it wouldn't be safe.'
'Well, you see, they usually cart them into the Board Room, I believe,only this time the governors were going to have a meeting there. Theycouldn't very well meet in a room with the table all covered withsilver pots.'
'Don't see why.'
'Well, I suppose they could, really, but some of the governors arefairly nuts on strict form. There's that crock who makes the two-hourvote of thanks speeches on Prize Day. You can see him rising to a pointof order, and fixing the Old 'Un with a fishy eye.'
'Well, anyhow, I don't see that they can blame a burglar for taking thepots if they simply chuck them in his way like that.'
'No. I say, we'd better weigh in with the Livy. The man Ward'll beround directly. Where's the dic? _And_ our invaluable friend, MrBohn? Right. Now, you reel it off, and I'll keep an eye on the notes.'And they settled down to the business of the day.
After a while Vaughan looked up.
'Who's going to win the mile?' he asked.
'What's the matter with Thomson?'
'How about Drake then?'
'Thomson won the half.'
'I knew you'd say that. The half isn't a test of a chap's mile form.Besides, did you happen to see Drake's sprint?'
'Jolly good one.'
'I know, but look how late he started for it. Thomson crammed on thepace directly he got into the straight. Drake only began to put it onwhen he got to the Pav. Even then he wasn't far behind at the tape.'
'No. Well, I'm not plunging either way. Ought to be a good race.'
'Rather. I say, I wonder Welch doesn't try his hand at the mile. Ibelieve he would do some rattling times if he'd only try.'
&nbs
p; 'Why, Welch is a sprinter.'
'I know. But I believe for all that that the mile's his distance. He'salways well up in the cross-country runs.'
'Anyhow, he's not in for it this year. Thomson's my man. It'll be anear thing, though.'
'Jolly near thing. With Drake in front.'
'Thomson.'
'Drake.'
'All right, we'll see. Wonder why the beak doesn't come up. I can't sithere doing Livy all the evening. And yet if we stop he's bound to lookin.'
'Oh Lord, is that what you've been worrying about? I thought you'ddeveloped the work habit or something. Ward's all right. He's out onthe tiles tonight. Gone to a dinner at Philpott's.'
'Good man, how do you know? Are you certain?'
'Heard him telling Prater this morning. Half the staff have gone. Goodopportunity for a chap to go for a stroll if he wanted to. Shall we, bythe way?'
'Not for me, thanks. I'm in the middle of a rather special book. Everread _Great Expectations_? Dickens, you know.'
'I know. Haven't read it, though. Always rather funk starting on aclassic, somehow. Good?'
'My dear chap! Good's not the word.'
'Well, after you. Exit Livy, then. And a good job, too. You might passus the great Sherlock. Thanks.'
He plunged with the great detective into the mystery of the speckledband, while Vaughan opened _Great Expectations_ at the place wherehe had left off the night before. And a silence fell upon the study.
Curiously enough, Dallas was not the only member of Ward's House towhom it occurred that evening that the absence of the House-mastersupplied a good opportunity for a stroll. The idea had also struckPlunkett favourably. He was not feeling very comfortable down-stairs.On entering the senior study he found Galloway, an Upper Fourth memberof the House, already in possession. Galloway had managed that eveningto insinuate himself with such success into the good graces of thematron, that he had been allowed to stay in the House instead ofproceeding with the rest of the study to the Great Hall forpreparation. The palpable failure of his attempt to hide the book hewas reading under the table when he was disturbed led him to cast atthe Mutual Friend, the cause of his panic, so severe and forbidding alook, that that gentleman retired, and made for the junior study.
The atmosphere in the junior study was close, and heavy with a blend ofseveral strange odours. Plunkett went to the window. Then he noticedwhat he had never noticed before, that there were no bars to thewindow. Only the glass stood between him and the outer world. He threwup the sash as far as it would go. There was plenty of room to get out.So he got out. He stood for a moment inhaling the fresh air. Then,taking something from his coat-pocket, he dived into the shadows. Anhour passed. In the study above, Dallas, surfeited with mysteries andvillainy, put down his book and stretched himself.
'I say, Vaughan,' he said. 'Have you settled the House gym. team yet?It's about time the list went up.'
'Eh? What?' said Vaughan, coming slowly out of his book.
Dallas repeated his question.
'Yes,' said Vaughan, 'got it somewhere on me. Haynes, Jarvis, andmyself are going in. Only, the Mutual has to stick up the list.'
It was the unwritten rule in Ward's, as in most of the other Houses atthe School, that none but the head of the House had the right ofplacing notices on the House board.
'I know,' said Dallas. 'I'll go and buck him up now.'
'Don't trouble. After prayers'll do.'
'It's all right. No trouble. Whom did you say? Yourself, Haynes--'
'And Jarvis. Not that he's any good. But the third string never mattersmuch, and it'll do him good to represent the House.'
'Right. I'll go and unearth the Mutual.'
The result was that Galloway received another shock to his system.
'Don't glare, Galloway. It's rude,' said Dallas.
'Where's Plunkett got to?' he added.
'Junior study,' said Galloway.
Dallas went to the junior study. There were Plunkett's books on thetable, but of their owner no signs were to be seen. The Mutual Friendhad had the good sense to close the window after he had climbed throughit, and Dallas did not suspect what had actually happened. He returnedto Vaughan.
'The Mutual isn't in either of the studies,' he said. 'I didn't want tospend the evening playing hide-and-seek with him, so I've come back.'
'It doesn't matter, thanks all the same. Later on'll do just as well.'
'Do you object to the window going up?' asked Dallas. 'There's a bit ofa froust on in here.'
'Rather not. Heave it up.'
Dallas hove it. He stood leaning out, looking towards the Collegebuildings, which stood out black and clear against the April sky. Fromout of the darkness in the direction of Stapleton sounded themonotonous note of a corn-crake.
'Jove,' he said, 'it's a grand night. If I was at home now I shouldn'tbe cooped up indoors like this.'
'Holidays in another week,' said Vaughan, joining him. 'It is ripping,isn't it? There's something not half bad in the Coll. buildings on anight like this. I shall be jolly sorry to leave, in spite of Ward andthe Mutual.'
'Same here, by Jove. We've each got a couple more years, though, if itcomes to that. Hullo, prep.'s over.'
The sound of footsteps began to be heard from the direction of theCollege. Nine had struck from the School clock, and the Great Hall wasemptying.
'Your turn to read at prayers, Vaughan. Hullo, there's the Mutual.Didn't hear him unlock the door. Glad he has, though. Saves ustrouble.'
'I must be going down to look up a bit to read. Do you remember whenHarper read the same bit six days running? I shall never forget Ward'spained expression. Harper explained that he thought the passage sobeautiful that he couldn't leave it.'
'Why don't you try that tip?'
'Hardly. My reputation hasn't quite the stamina for the test.'
Vaughan left the room. At the foot of the stairs he was met by thematron.
'Will you unlock the door, please, Vaughan,' she said, handing him abunch of keys. 'The boys will be coming in in a minute.'
'Unlock the door?' repeated Vaughan. 'I thought it was unlocked. Allright.'
'By Jove,' he thought, 'the plot thickens. What is our only Plunkettdoing out of the House when the door is locked, I wonder.'
Plunkett strolled in with the last batch of the returning crowd,wearing on his face the virtuous look of one who has been snatching awhiff of fresh air after a hard evening's preparation.
'Oh, I say, Plunkett,' said Vaughan, when they met in the study afterprayers, 'I wanted to see you. Where have you been?'
'I have been in the junior study. Where did you think I had been?'
'Oh.'
'Do you doubt my word?'
'I've the most exaggerated respect for your word, but you weren't inthe junior study at five to nine.'
'No, I went up to my dormitory about that time. You seem remarkablyinterested in my movements.'
'Only wanted to see you about the House gym. team. You might shove upthe list tonight. Haynes, Jarvis, and myself.'
'Very well.'
'I didn't say anything to him,' said Vaughan to Dallas as they weregoing to their dormitories, 'but, you know, there's something jollyfishy about the Mutual. That door wasn't unlocked when we saw himoutside. I unlocked it myself. Seems to me the Mutual's been having alittle private bust of his own on the quiet.'
'That's rum. He might have been out by the front way to see one of thebeaks, though.'
'Well, even then he would be breaking rules. You aren't allowed to goout after lock-up without House beak's leave. No, I find him guilty.'
'If only he'd go and get booked!' said Vaughan. 'Then he might have toleave. But he won't. No such luck.'
'No,' said Dallas. 'Good-night.'
'Good-night.'
Certainly there was something mysterious about the matter.
The Pothunters Page 5
