by Penny Aimes
Tony looked at him like something stuck on the sole of his shoe, and said flatly, “Punished someone when I was really mad at him. You can’t do that, in case you don’t know. Fucks up the lines in your head. Theirs, too. Even if it’s a real punishment, you’ve got to be in a place of calm and love, or you shouldn’t do it. End the scene and have a fight, if that’s what you’re spoiling for. It’s a mistake I still think about every time I touch a paddle or a belt.”
“What happened? After,” Dennis asked, in a smaller voice. It wasn’t a problem he’d ever wrestled with—not too much, anyway—but the pain on the other man’s face was real and it was hard to maintain his bluster in the face of that.
“The trust was gone,” said Tony, with a shrug of great finality.
They sat together in uncomfortable silence. Part of him hoped if he just didn’t say anything, Tony would move on, but the older man wasn’t budging. Patience, Dennis reflected, was something you had to have to be a dominant.
“Sonia was the one who wanted to try kink, but I got really into it,” he said, in a low voice. If the old man couldn’t hear him, too damn bad. “It was like what I’d always been waiting for. It made sex make sense, the way other people talked about it. I knew about BDSM, from Jason and TV, movies, whatever, but I’d never tried and I always thought I wouldn’t like it, but I liked it a lot.”
Tony waited.
“So we started doing it. A lot. We didn’t know what we were doing. No real safewords. No clear distinctions in role. No way to negotiate outside of the games. We were 24/7 from the word go, except we didn’t even know that was the term for it. Eventually we found our local kink scene and we learned a lot and we could look back and laugh. Except we still hadn’t really...” He looked off into a corner of the bar. “Fuck, man.”
He’d been rattling it off at a good clip, just trying to move past the storytelling phase, but there was no easy way to speed past this part. There were land mines buried in that road. And still Tony waited.
Dennis’s voice was quiet; hushed with bottled-up grief. “I like control. I don’t like to hurt, I just like...control. I like pretty dolls. It...ate her life. Both our lives, I guess.”
Except his role was still being Mr. Big Alpha Businessman. And her role became Obedient Arm Candy and Obedient Housekeeper and Obedient Sex Doll, and... “And then she stopped wanting that, and we didn’t have any way for her to say that.”
Maybe she never wanted it, he thought. Maybe it just closed in around her and she couldn’t stop it. He didn’t really believe that—had to believe her initial enthusiasm was real—but it was a bleak and terrible possibility, however small. He drew a ragged breath.
“And then one day she just left. She didn’t have a way to say it, so she did it. She just left, and she didn’t take anything I had given her, so she had nothing.
“I was so...lost,” Dennis said. “I loved her. I had no idea how toxic the game had become. I thought we were both... I thought it was love. I went after her, to apologize, to ask what I could do. I showed up at her parents’ house.”
“And?” Tony said.
“And she was afraid of me. She thought I was going to make her come back; that I was coming to drag her back,” said Dennis. “I will never forget how she looked at me. Never.” It was as unvarnished a retelling as he’d given anyone, even Cordelia, and he felt again the blistering pain of her dark eyes on his face.
Tony held out a hand in an acquiescing gesture. “Now we can start. So, tell me about what’s been happening with April.”
Dennis’s hand tightened on his glass at the sudden change in gears. He spoke slowly at first, as he packed his pain from losing Sonia back away. He explained about his games with April and about the distance he always sensed in her; about her fears and his unwillingness to close the gap. “I need to know she really wants to be with me,” he said. “That I’m not just bulldozing her into it. And I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to make mistakes.”
Tony nodded. “I understand that. But you will make mistakes. It’s inevitable. And it’s a pointless, preening kind of masculinity that thinks its power lies in always being right.”
Dennis’s jaw winched tight again; he wanted to argue that point. There was a world of difference between being careful and being arrogant. Wasn’t there?
The other man continued: “The question is, when you make a mistake, how quickly do you acknowledge it, and how much will you sacrifice to make it right? That’s something everyone should care about, but as a dominant, it’s the measure of your quality. That’s what I believe.”
They both sat with that for a long moment. Dennis had no argument with anything Tony was saying. There was just a part of him, something in the core of him, that believed if he tried hard enough, he could avoid making the mistake in the first place. No matter what Cordelia or Tony said, it was hard to accept that that pain was inevitable. The stakes were too high.
Weren’t they?
“You said you’re going to be travelling?” Tony asked.
Dennis sighed. “Yeah. There’s a work thing that...yeah, I’m going to be on the East Coast for a few weeks.” He had to meet with the people at the data center and finalize the contract.
“Okay,” Tony said. “We can talk on the phone, but I’d also like you to do some reading. 101 stuff. Some of it I’m sure you’ve picked up, but if there’s any big holes in your knowledge it will help you identify them, and we can talk.”
“Thanks,” Dennis said, after a long and ungracious pause.
Tony nodded again. “I know it’s not easy to ask for help. You’re working hard to do the right thing. That’s admirable. And I admit I was pushing your buttons a little, to see what your reactions were.”
“Are we done with that part?” Dennis said, with a humorless smile.
“We are for now,” the older man said serenely.
September
His trip to the East Coast lasted longer than he anticipated, as the data migration he’d fought for and staked his name on developed into a solid-gold nightmare. He’d contracted with a small but seemingly well-regarded company in New Haven, near corporate headquarters; when he arrived at their office to sign the final agreement, he found them glumly packing up their desks. He would later find that they’d been quietly acquired, loaded down with debt and then jettisoned by a larger competitor. The bankruptcy announcement had surprised the people he’d been talking to as much as him.
By dint of furious effort and a lot of legal threats, he managed to keep the time his company spent without email or network connectivity down to a couple of days, staggered a few days apart while he found a replacement to take the load while he looked for a more permanent solution. From then on, he handled everything personally until the migration was achieved, and that meant staying in New Haven.
He missed April.
Horribly, in the shuffle a large quantity of data just flat disappeared. None of it was necessary for active projects, thank God, but by federal statute they were required to keep it on file for ten years.
Dennis knew, but could not prove, that Graham’s best buddy on the management team had left it on the wrong server despite numerous warnings and hadn’t been making the required backups. It took every trick he knew to bring it back from the data netherworld with only minor losses.
Despite the chaos, he couldn’t unplug totally to focus; he had too many other responsibilities. He gave O’Reilly and Graham regular updates and made sure to stay in the loop with Natasha. Outside of work, he managed to stay in touch with Tony Bulsara, his therapist and, most importantly, April. He didn’t miss a check-in. It wasn’t another responsibility on his endless list. It was his only respite.
It wasn’t the same as being there in person, of course; the sex without smell or taste, the aftercare frustratingly distant, like trying to stroke a cherished pet with a plastic hand on the end of a
stick. And most of all he missed the moments that were neither foreplay, action nor aftercare. The movies they didn’t see together, the meals he ate alone, the bad jokes he saved up for text messages.
Her birthday was coming up. She flatly refused a birthday present, and he could tell she meant it, so he resignedly sent the jewelry to Caroline to thank her for her help and told her to exchange it for whatever she wanted.
But April’s September birthday was the deadline for her denial, had been set for months, and he was determined to make it a good one for her. He’d had no intention of extending beyond this point, but there was no way he could fly back to Austin right now. Fixing this mess was like trying to untie a knot made out of snakes, and the first rule was to never take your eye off the snakes.
The least he could do was make this call memorable.
He dressed up for it, in the best suit he’d brought on this trip. Ironically, most of his time at the data center was spent in khakis and polo shirts. But for her he wanted to gleam. He didn’t send her any instructions for her wardrobe this time—he genuinely hadn’t had time to plan an outfit—and she turned up wearing a surprisingly sober denim shirtdress. She seemed low-key, as if there was something on her mind, but his initial conversational probing didn’t give him anything. To tell the truth, he was pretty excited about his own idea and moved past the preliminaries quickly.
“I thought we’d try something different this time,” he said offhandedly.
Her eyes narrowed in suspicion, and rightfully so. “Oh?”
She’d told him about her encounter with Sandra Barreras, although she’d been sparing about the details; it was within the rules of their arrangement not to tell him beforehand. Hell, it was within the rules not to tell him at all. They weren’t exclusive and orgasming had never been on the menu. But he felt...motivated to show her Sandra wasn’t the only one capable of delightful sadism. He wanted to be everything she needed.
He tilted the camera forward and leaned in, trying to spear her eyes with his over two thousand miles. “Beg me not to let you come. Convince me you want to live without orgasms. If I find you believable, I’ll let you come. If you seem like you’re pretending, another month.”
“You’re evil,” she breathed. Whatever distractions she’d brought to the call were long gone now; she looked absorbed, aroused and a little horrified.
“Happy birthday,” he said, and grinned at her. He had her, he knew. Even over the distance, he could feel the energy beginning to swarm between them. Beyond his own arousal and engagement in the moment, he felt a giddy pride as he waited for her to start. He’d wanted to give her something special for her birthday and he’d nailed it.
“Um...” She swallowed. “I don’t...really even, want to. I mean, it’s only been four months. Who cares?” she said with false brightness. “I’m fine. Please don’t let me come, Sir.” She smiled at him.
“Hm... I find it hard to believe you. Why don’t you edge for me and try again?”
She seemed to laugh despite herself as she reached off-camera for her Magic Wand. “Of course, Sir.”
As she unbuttoned her dress, he opened his fly and began to stroke himself. “I miss your body,” he said, and she ducked her head. Under the dress she wasn’t wearing a bra, only delicate pink panties with lace panels over the hips. “Pinch your nipples, lovely.” She did so, and he shook his head. “No, do it like I would if I could.” This time she cried out, and her legs fell open. “Perfect. You’re perfect.”
She lifted the wand and switched it on. “You can’t keep saying things like that, Sir.”
“Why not?”
“What if... God...what if I believed you?” Her eyes kept flickering; wanting to close, wanting to watch him on the screen. He slipped back his foreskin and brushed his thumb over the sensitive skin.
“What if you did?”
“I might...mm...get a big head.” She was still in her panties, rubbing the vibrating wand over herself through the fabric. “I might get the idea a hot number like me can... Fuck! Come whenever I want.”
“Hm, but that’s fine,” he said. “Because you don’t want to come, do you?”
She swallowed. “Oh no, Sir, not a-at all.” Her voice broke a little on that. “Fuck,” she whispered.
“Let me hear you moan,” he said. “I want to hear how bad you...don’t want it.”
She was half-sitting on the knob now, the switch flipped to the more intense setting, rocking back and forth. “God, I don’t want it so bad, Sir. It’s all I can think about.”
He laughed at that. “All you can think about is not coming.”
“Yyyyes,” she panted. “How I’m not coming for you. I walk around all day thinking about that, how I’m not allowed to come. How you won’t let me. How lucky I am that you won’t let me.”
She squeaked and lurched away from the vibe, gasping. “Too close. Toooo close, too close.”
She took a moment to recover before she gingerly reached for it again; he slowed down accordingly. It was too hot, otherwise; he was going to explode. “I think I almost believed that. Perhaps I will let you,” he said, but her eyes told him she knew a test when she saw one. Clever girl.
“No, please, Sir. I’m in the groove now. I could go...” She winced. “I could go forever.”
“Really? What will you do for me, if I let you stay under my control?” he asked, his voice sharper than he meant. God, he was getting close himself.
“I’ll—” She got a wild light in her eyes as she began to tease herself more. “I’ll do whatever you want.”
“Not nearly specific enough...”
“I’ll spend all your money!” she gasped. “On frilly, slutty things I can’t even wear out of the house.” She leaned forward on the wand again and yelped. “But I will. I’ll wear them wherever you want. You can show me off.” She was rocking again, her eyes staring through the screen, a perfect picture of desperation. Perfect. Perfect.
“You can put a collar on me and lead me through Frankie’s. Through downtown. Through our work. Ah God!” She winced but held on. “Please!”
“Please what, dolly?”
“Please don’t let me come,” she said, and it was almost a sob. “I’ll tell everyone how good your control is. I’ll tell every sub in the bar. I’ll tell my friends. I—Ohhh!”
She yanked the wand away and shuddered; at the same moment he spilled over, semen exploding all over his hand and into a hastily snatched Kleenex. He closed his eyes for a long moment as his orgasm crashed through him and she whimpered, watching. “Oh, that’s my good girl.”
When he opened his eyes, she was drinking bottled water like it was going out of style. “You were perfect,” he said. “What a nasty imagination you have. Are those the things you fantasize about when you’re all needy for me?”
“Maybe,” she giggled. “Maybe sometimes.”
“Well, I won’t make you do anything like that,” he said. “But I will grant your wish. You may go without coming for a little while longer. We’ll revisit when I’m back in town.”
She groaned inwardly and said, “Thank you, Sir,” from behind a wobbly smile.
They talked for a little while after that, about her plans and his ongoing headaches. He made sure she was grounded and cheerful and fluttering her hands adorably again before he relaxed.
She was going to Frankie’s that weekend; he tried not to let that bother him. He wasn’t a jealous person by nature. It did rankle him; but he had no right to jealousy. He hadn’t told her that he wanted to be her lover, not just another friend to play with. And a Zoom call wasn’t how he was going to do it, either, so he summoned the grace the situation required. Once he was sure she wouldn’t sub drop, he put her to bed; she had D&D in the morning.
The next morning, he headed for a fun-filled Saturday at the data center. But he was making headway, he was certainly ma
king headway. He was typing up a status update for O’Reilly when a text appeared on his phone.
April: i told them
He snatched up the phone.
Dennis: Excuse me?
April: i told my friends what a dirty little pervert i am
Jesus Christ. He dialed her as quickly as he could, almost fumbling the phone in his anxiety.
“Hello?”
“April. Did you not know that was a fantasy? When I asked what you’d do, I never meant—”
“No,” she said, and laughed softly over the line. “No, I wanted to. I don’t talk about my kinks much but... I can tell them anything. I know that. I guess I knew it all along.”
He took his first breath in a minute. “How do you feel?” he asked. In truth, he’d never told anyone outside of the kink world but his therapist.
“Good,” she said, and sounded like she meant it. “I gave away some of my old stuff, and Elena has a contact at the clothing exchange, too.”
“Oh.” He was glad she felt good about it. His own feelings were...mixed, but he wasn’t sure he was in the right to feel that way. It wasn’t fair to project his guilt about Sonia here, but if anything, this felt worse. At least Sonia had had family to turn to when she left their home with nothing left of her old life.
He didn’t want April to ever feel that way about him. But if she ever did—Well. It was certainly something to save for a face-to-face conversation, if he brought it up at all. Maybe he should just keep it to himself.
“Well. I guess you earned your orgasm, all right,” he said, trying to smile. It was disappointing, he really wanted to be there, but he’d asked what she’d do for an orgasm and she’d sure the hell done it.
“I don’t want to.”
He realized his jaw was open. “You don’t—”
“I want to do it when you want me to. And I don’t want to do it alone.” She sounded astounded at herself, too.
“You’re a very very very good girl,” he said, suddenly wanting her more than he ever had before. Her faith and confidence in him, her sweet trusting obedience, felt like cool water on a hot day. It was a tremendous responsibility, and he should have felt the weight of it; instead, he felt like he’d been given wings. She was everything he’d ever dreamed of in a sub and in a woman. “You’re my best girl.”
