‘What did Sarah want?’ she asked.
Ben stood silently for several more seconds before he appeared to register that he’d been asked a question.
‘Erm… She called to invite us to baby Harry’s christening which she’s having on the anniversary of my brother’s death,’ Ben announced in a matter-of-fact tone that was densely coated in sarcasm. ‘She then asked if I would be the godfather, before telling me her friend Rose or Rosa – I think it’s Rosa but I can’t be sure because I’ve barely met her, nevertheless, this friend is to be godmother.’
‘Oh…’ Emily tried to interject but was cut off by Ben who was saving the best for last.
‘And finally,’ he laughed half-hysterically as he prepared to tell Emily the final part of the story. ‘She asked us if we would like to come for Sunday dinner as there’s someone she wants us to get to know. I think it must be a boyfriend.’
Emily gasped. ‘Did she actually say she was seeing someone?’
‘Well, no. But, what else could she mean?’
‘Don’t go jumping to conclusions. She may just have a good friend staying or something – or maybe she wants you to meet Rosa properly before the christening,’ said Emily, attempting to be the voice of reason.
‘Yes, that might be it. I asked her if it was someone we knew and she couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. I’m now wondering if she’s seeing Danny.’
‘Danny?’ Emily exclaimed. ‘Danny from the Melville Centre? She’s almost old enough to be his mother.’
‘I know,’ Ben said, stroking his chin. ‘But I noticed they were chatting for ages when she dropped in a couple of weeks ago. I bet it is him you know.’
‘Just wait and see – and don’t get yourself all upset. Harry will still need his uncle.’ Emily kissed him lovingly on the cheek. ‘I’m off to bed,’ she said, leaving Ben standing in the middle of the room, staring into space.
Ben was half filled with curiosity and half dread as he rang her front door bell, Emily huddled by his side trying to shelter from the cold. While, based on a hunch, he had placed Danny at the top of the list of suspects, he also wondered if she might be seeing one of her neighbours from two doors along called Miles. He was a single guy in his forties who I’d been quite friendly with at one point and had joked to Ben that I thought Miles was using me to get to Sarah as I’d caught him giving her more than one or two admiring glances.
Now, it seemed, was the moment of truth. Ben took a deep breath as they waited for Sarah to answer. She opened the door while balancing baby Harry in her left arm. As usual, he was full of smiles for his uncle as soon as he set eyes on him. Stepping inside the house, Ben immediately held his arms out to take hold of Harry, raising him up in the air above his head before holding him close to his chest.
‘How’s my favourite nephew?’ he asked playfully.
‘He’s been looking forward to seeing his uncle and auntie Emily,’ Sarah smiled.
After greeting Sarah with a kiss, Emily opted to hang behind Ben, sensing the presence of the mysterious ‘someone’ in the living room next door. She only prayed it wasn’t who she feared it could be and hadn’t had the heart to even mention to Ben.
She noticed Sarah was looking extremely tense, her hands even shaking slightly as she’d reached to take her coat. This only served to confirm Emily’s suspicions and she braced herself for what could be an explosive encounter. The fact the idea had never even entered Ben’s head filled Emily with even more dread, for she knew it hadn’t occurred to him because the prospect was just too awful. He would have thought, as Emily once did, that Sarah would have run a mile rather than spend another second with the man. It seemed, however, that they were wrong.
‘Come through,’ Sarah eventually ventured, gesturing towards the sitting room before leading the guests through.
‘Paul Davis.’ Ben exclaimed, his voice turning to ice as he clapped eyes on the man standing by the fireplace, who had now become his nemesis. ‘You’re seeing him again after all the shit he’s put us through?’ He fixed Sarah with an angry glare that sent a shiver through Emily as she watched helplessly from the sidelines.
‘Ben, I…’ Sarah faltered.
‘He killed my father. What the hell can you be thinking?’
‘He didn’t kill your father, Ben. They had a misunderstanding. John had a heart attack.’
‘A misunderstanding? He deliberately provoked a very elderly man who had come to see his grandson for the first time and died wrongly believing the child belonged to that prat.’ He pointed accusingly at Paul Davis who hovered uncomfortably by the armchair – ironically, my favourite chair – hands in pockets.
‘Look, I’m really sorry about all that.’ Paul said in what was supposed to be a conciliatory tone but ended up sounding pretty flippant.
Ben suddenly turned to stare his adversary in the face for the first time since their eyes had locked that night at the hospital. ‘You’re sorry for all that. All that being the death of my father and last remaining member of my immediate family.’
Emily moved closer to Ben’s side now and reached for his sleeve as if attempting to pull him back from the conversation.
‘I knew you’d be angry,’ Sarah interjected. ‘But you need to let me explain.’
‘Go on then, Sarah.’ Ben turned to look at her again. ‘Explain to me why you think it’s appropriate to start sleeping with a man who almost tore what’s left of this family apart and who caused the early death of my father. A man you cheated with on my dead brother. Explain that to me?’
He bounced baby Harry agitatedly on his shoulder, clutching him closely as if shielding him from Sarah’s unpopular new partner as she attempted, in vain, to rescue the situation.
‘We bumped into each other a couple of weeks ago and ended up having a chat and Paul apologised profusely for the trouble he caused. He said he had been convinced the baby was his and that he just wanted to be a good father – and to be there from day one. When I listened to what he had to say I realised he hadn’t really done anything wrong. I just want you to consider his side of things.’ Sarah looked at Ben pleadingly.
‘You’re pathetic,’ he hissed. ‘Not even a year has passed since Harry died and you’re moving on. I want to turn around, walk out of here and never see your face again but I will not say goodbye to my nephew because he’s all I have left of my family. Do you understand that?’ He turned his back on Sarah, still clutching Harry to him. Emily could see tears of rage in his eyes as he pressed his cheek against the baby’s, before kissing him tenderly.
‘I would never stop you seeing him.’ Sarah said softly.
Ben turned once again to look at her. His voice now breaking with emotion.
‘After everything we’ve been through this last year, Sarah, you’ve betrayed me. My father and brother would be rolling in their graves if they could see what you were up to.’
‘Ben..’ Emily put her arm out to try and stop him from continuing but he pressed on regardless.
‘Now I have to stand back and watch this snake hang around my nephew.’ He jabbed his finger accusingly again towards Paul who by now looked as though he was trying to sink into the wallpaper. Ben pressed his face close to Harry’s again.
‘He deserves better than this, Sarah.’ he said, reluctantly handing him back to his mother.
Ben turned to Emily and ushered her out of the room but before they reached the front door, Sarah ran out after them her face contorted with emotion.
‘I can’t bring Harry back, Ben,’ she sobbed. ‘You’re not alone, why should I be?’
Emily opened the front door and stepped outside, hoping Ben would quietly follow but instead he turned to have the final say.
‘I know what happened between Harry and you, Sarah. I know that my brother was not a perfect husband. But this? All I can say is you deserve each other. I only wish to God my nephew didn’t have to suffer that fool too.’
He slammed the front door loudly behind him before marching ou
t into the darkening evening, his heart heavy with the realisation that the regular access to baby Harry he had enjoyed so much, was now a thing of the past. Before him lay a future full of uneasy conversations and false civility with a woman he had only hours ago considered close family.
Emily and Ben walked the short way home in almost total silence as they each mulled over the implications of their bitter fall out with Sarah. Emily had noticed a change in Sarah since Christmas. At first she had seemed slightly distant and less keen for them to help out so regularly. But more recently, Sarah had seemed quite different all together. Her style had changed from demure to glamorous as she increasingly opted for heavier make-up and bolder, more closely fitted clothes. Ben seemed to have accepted these changes without really questioning them, but Emily could sense there was someone else on the scene and had had a nasty feeling it would be Paul. Despite this, she had still found it galling to find him standing in my living room, acting as if he owned the place. While she sensed he probably did feel ashamed of his actions leading up to Dad’s death, he certainly hadn’t gone out of his way to apologise.
Now a few yards from their front doorstep she turned to look at Ben who was still far away in thought.
‘I think I’ll keep walking if you don’t mind,’ he said as they neared Emily’s.
‘No problem,’ she replied, kissing him gently on the cheek before going her separate way. ‘I’ll sort something out for dinner.’
Ben walked on deciding he would continue to Newhaven Harbour where he could escape the sound of treacherous voices and listen only to the comforting rush of the sea.
Once at the harbour wall, he took up his favourite resting point, which, on a sunny day, would give him a clear view over to the Forth bridges and Fife on the other side of the water.
He looked up at the skies to see they had cleared and, as he listened to the gentle lull of the waves breaking against the shore, he admired the impressive display of stars that seemed to be breaking out in the darkness just for him. The harbour was a place he used to visit so often, yet it had been months since he’d had the chance to spend time alone here.
In the last year his once pathetic but safe existence had been shaken to its core by the death of his brother, closely followed by his appointment as director of the youth centre. His life had gone from strength to strength as he built up professional and personal relationships he could have only dreamt of months before. And just when everything looked as though things were finally coming together, his world had come crashing down again with the sudden death of his father. Now, Sarah had delivered the final blow by taking up with the last person on earth he would have wanted near his nephew. He felt betrayed and, once again, he felt alone, the family he had fought so hard to keep together now blown apart.
He looked again to the sky, taking several deep breaths in an effort to stifle the great surge of emotion that threatened to engulf him and send him crumbling to the ground.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, both to himself and to his family who seemed so agonisingly far. He was sorry for losing control of his emotions and for losing Sarah, and he was sorry that he may have just thrown away whatever chance he had of helping raise my son – a baby he had come to consider his own.
For several minutes he stood listening to the soothing rhythm of the waves, until his thoughts ceased to race and he became calm once again. As he took in the night sky for a final time before heading back to Emily’s, he was struck by a bright cluster of stars directly above him. And then, in just the blink of an eye, he saw one of the stars tumble and trail away. A falling star.
Ben nodded in appreciation. He didn’t know whether it was a message or a coincidence, but in that moment he realised he was no longer helpless. If he could teach others to take charge of their lives, then he could take charge of his own.
CHAPTER eighteen
MY LOVE FOR MY BROTHER was pure again. Our connection as strong as it was in the womb. My greatest desire now was to see my son growing up with a stable father-figure in his life – and Ben was the best man for the job. Better than Paul, and better than me.
I had been far from a good husband to Sarah. In fact, I was not the blameless victim in her dalliance with a work colleague that everyone was taking me for. Emily, too, would have been all too aware of this seeing as it was with her that I had betrayed my wife two years before my death. We had met again at a fundraising event for the centre – she had been blown away to see her teenage love again after so many years and was, of course, keen to hear whether I was still painting. Too embarrassed to confess that I had not been the original artist of her most treasured pieces, I simply told her I had very little time for my hobby these days. Sarah and I had been arguing almost constantly in the few weeks leading up to that night as the reality that it was highly unlikely we were going to be able to conceive a child naturally began to hit home. I told her we should look at adoption but she was adamant that we were going to consult the country’s top fertility experts until each one of them had bled us dry.
I was sick of being reminded day-in day-out about my inadequacies as a man and I was tired of having to pay thousands-upon-thousands of pounds to give yet another doctor the chance to rub it in.
So, when I asked Emily that evening if she wanted to go on for a drink, I have to confess that my intentions were already utterly dishonourable, because I was just so damned pissed off with my situation and with my wife.
Emily and I had one drink, and then another, and then another, until she became like a giggly schoolgirl, swaying drunkenly out of the bar with me. We went back to her flat and had what I thought was a pretty awkward encounter. But Emily saw it quite differently. When I went to leave at 3am, she took me by the arm and said: ‘I always knew we’d end up back together.’ I smiled meekly and told her I would call her the next day.
Sarah was furious when I got home and I had to make up all kinds of bullshit about a very wealthy sponsor of the centre convincing me to go to a casino with him and not letting me leave until the early hours. She seemed to believe me, and I had no intention of contacting Emily again and hoped she’d just forget about our night – or few hours – between the sheets. She was attractive and interesting, but I felt no great connection with her and I wasn’t about to risk my marriage to sleep with her again.
When I didn’t call her she sent me an email telling me she was disappointed that I hadn’t got in touch after ‘the evening we shared together’ but that she understood I was in a difficult situation and that ‘we must accept we have to do the honourable thing and stay apart’. Frankly, I found her message a little odd, but I was ultimately grateful that she was willing to let the whole thing drop. What I found odder still though, was that she had then become a major supporter of the centre, donating thousands of pounds in funding each year. I guessed it was her way of reminding me she was still around. It felt like a little power game, but money was money and I didn’t really care where it came from.
Seeing the way she was now with Ben, I realised her fascination with me had almost been entirely about the fact she believed I had an amazing talent. Almost as soon as she found out it was my brother, she transferred her admiration to him.
The truth about Emily, I had come to see, is that her greatest love will always be art – and furthering her career in it. No human would ever get in the way of that.
Two long weeks passed during which neither Ben nor Sarah picked up the phone to one another. He realised she had the upper hand. She would no doubt know he was now desperate to see the baby so was likely waiting for him to make the first move. He held off as long as he could, until one Saturday morning in early March he finally broke.
She had taken a long time to answer the house phone.
‘Hello,’ she said, sounding a little breathless as though she had run to pick it up.
‘Hi Sarah, it’s Ben.’
‘Hi. How are you?’ she responded with the professional distance with which one might greet a client.
>
‘I’m fine. I’d like to see Harry.’ He had decided to say as little as possible and stick to the point.
‘I see. When were you thinking of?’
‘Can I come over this afternoon and take him out for a walk?’
‘Yes, we’re going out to buy some new clothes for him this morning but we’ll be back by two if you want to come then?’
‘That would be fine.’ Ben knew he should say goodbye and quit while he was ahead, but he just couldn’t remove ‘we’re going out’ from his mind.
‘Will Davis be there?’ he blurted.
‘No,’ Sarah answered curtly. ‘My mother is staying.’
A pattern then developed over the next few weeks, whereby Ben would call in at Sarah’s every Saturday afternoon, sometimes accompanied by Emily, and would take Harry out for a couple of hours. Ben quickly realised what it was like to be a Saturday dad, grasping for every moment you could bargain out of your former partner, but never feeling it was enough. He was comforted by the fact that little Harry still beamed as widely as ever as soon as he caught sight of his uncle. Ben wondered if Harry smiled as warmly for Paul. He hoped not. He derived more than a small amount of satisfaction that Paul was never there when he called to collect his nephew. He was either too sheepish to make an appearance, Ben guessed, or Sarah had told him to stay away. Either way, it suited Ben fine. The idea of Paul and Sarah together was eating away at him – the thought of him pawing all over her made him feel sick.
Emily would tell him to forget about it, pointing out his anger was starting to affect their relationship. But he couldn’t let it go.
As the 5th of April drew close, Ben realised he would have to make a decision on whether or not to attend Harry’s christening. As he dutifully returned his nephew home one afternoon late in March, he decided to broach the subject with Sarah.
This time, instead of handing Harry over on the doorstep and turning on his heels – as had become customary – Ben instead asked if he could come in.
From the Outside Page 22
