by Suzy K Quinn
I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack or pass out or something.
I grabbed Daisy and ran down the aisle.
Then I sat in the wedding car, holding onto Daisy for dear life while she chewed the silk on my wedding dress.
Dad got in beside me, put his arm around me and told the driver to take us back to the pub.
Then I sat in my dark bedroom, watching Daisy sleep and thinking, ‘Her life is ruined.’
Monday, April 25th
Nick still hasn’t called or texted. He hasn’t seen Daisy since the wedding.
It’s not like I want to speak to him. I never want to see him again. But I want him to try to get in touch. And I know he must be desperate to see Daisy.
Althea said it’s always the betrayal that hurts the most. But it’s not the betrayal. It’s the fact I didn’t have a clue. And I really should have done …
Tuesday, April 26th
All the bills went out today, and I watched my bank account sink a little lower.
It made me realise that there are loads of practical things to sort out. Money and living arrangements. And (this makes me feel sick to think about) visitation.
I can’t keep paying for a flat I’m not living in.
But where am I going to live?
A part of me wishes I’d never found out about Nick and Sadie. That everything could just carry on as before. Things weren’t good with Nick. I knew that. He knew it too.
But I still thought we had a chance.
What an idiot.
Wednesday, April 27th
Took Daisy to see Nana Joan today.
A bit of normality amid the chaos of my life right now.
At Nana’s care home, there was a big sign on the visitor’s notice board:
VISITORS – PLEASE BE AWARE! Doris Jenkins chases any visitor wearing red
Nana was so pleased to see us. She hugged me for ages and talked to Daisy in her funny pigeon voice. ‘Ooooeee! Coo coo coo!’
After taking photos of us with her new selfie stick, Nana said I looked ‘gaunt’ and was getting ‘skinny with all the worry’. She warned me not to ‘catch an eating disorder’ and forced me to eat half a tin of teatime biscuits.
I never trust her views on weight, though. She’s lost most of her teeth because of all the Walnut Whips she eats.
Nana was especially happy because her toenails hadn’t been cut in ages. I’m the only one who can do it without breaking the clippers.
She asked if I’d seen Nick, and I told her he hadn’t been in touch.
After I’d done Nana’s bath, I washed her hair and helped dye it ‘Vibrant Cherry’. Then I showed her how to play Angry Birds on her phone.
‘That Nick is a useless idiot,’ she told me. ‘You’re better off without him.’
But he’s still Daisy’s father.
Thursday, April 28th
Still no call from Nick.
Maybe he’s gone into his actor’s wallowing pit and thinks everyone hates him (we do) and that he wouldn’t be welcome if he called round (he wouldn’t).
But he should see Daisy. He’s her dad, after all.
Friday, April 29th
Told Althea I was thinking of calling Nick.
I’ve never heard so many swear words in one sentence.
After Althea had calmed down, she said, ‘Don’t start feeling sorry for him. He’s a cock head. You’re too nice. Why hasn’t he called you for fuck’s sake?’
She’s right.
Totally, completely right.
‘When life gives you lemons,’ she said, ‘add rum and coke.’
Saturday, April 30th
Cracked and called Nick today.
I suppose I just wanted to get some clarity. Some answers.
For a horrible moment, I thought he wasn’t going to pick up. That would have been the ultimate humiliation. But he did. On the tenth ring.
He sounded gravelly and tired.
I told him he should arrange to see his daughter.
He said, ‘Yeah, I know, I know. I miss her so much. I just didn’t want to make anything worse.’
I said things couldn’t get any worse. Then I asked if there was anything else he wanted to say.
He said he hoped there were no bad feelings.
Like we’d had a row over the electricity bill or something.
I told him there was nothing but bad feelings. And that he was a disgusting human being who’d ruined Daisy’s life.
In a village as small as Great Oakley, everyone will know that Daddy slept with Mummy’s bridesmaid.
‘You’re staying in Oakley then?’ Nick said.
I said I’d be at the Oakley Arms until I’d sorted things out.
‘When will you and Daisy next be in London?’ he asked. ‘I really miss her.’
I told him I didn’t know.
There was silence. Then Nick said, ‘Sorry about all this, Jules. Sadie and I – we just fit. You know how I am. I just go with my heart.’
I didn’t think he could hurt me anymore.
Bastard.
Bastard, bastard, bastard.
I shouted a load of abuse at him, hung up, then thumped the phone on the pillow.
Sunday, May 1st
Too embarrassed to go out in the village today.
I’ve been hiding at Mum and Dad’s, stuffing my face with comfort food. It’s not difficult. The fridge is full of cheesecake, dips, sausage rolls, pork pies and Coca-Cola.
But food isn’t working. I’m too far into my depression hole. It’s not making me feel even the tiniest bit better. Everything is so empty. Hollow. Hopeless.
Everything except Daisy.
If I didn’t have her, I don’t know what I’d do.
The pub downstairs is full of people celebrating the early spring bank holiday. It’s so weird, hearing people enjoying themselves.
Don’t they know the world has just ended?
Monday, May 2nd
Early May Bank Holiday
Pretty much everyone in the village is hung over today.
I suppose that’s the bonus of suffering a big trauma.
I’m too antisocial to drink too much.
Tuesday, May 3rd
What a mess my life is.
Dad asked me today if I’d thought about the legal side of things.
I hadn’t.
But I suppose I should.
Like Dad says, I should make sure I get custody of Daisy. And make Nick pay maintenance. I doubt Nick will give us much though. Unless he borrows money from Helen.
Wednesday, May 4th
I can’t get what Nick said out of my head.
‘I just go with my heart.’
Does he love her? I mean, what else could that mean?
All I can think about today is Nick and Sadie.
Some crazy part of me wants to know all the details. How many times did they do it? When? Where? Does he love her? Does she love him? How long has it been going on?
Althea has turned spy for me because she’s friends with Sadie’s gay make-up artist friend, Rylan.
Apparently, Sadie and Nick have been seen together loads of times around Soho.
Ugh. To be so brazen about it … they must have so little respect for me.
Sadie told Rylan that she and Nick had sex at her apartment because Nick’s mother was always dropping in at his place. No mention that the mother of his child was there too.
How could she do this to me? After everything I’ve done for her.
Althea says she’ll try and find out more. But she warned me I might not want to know.
I told Althea what Nick has said.
Sorry about all this Jules. I just go with my heart.
She exploded and said he was always a thoughtless, tactless bastard.
‘But do you think that means he loves her?’ I asked.
‘Nick doesn’t love anyone but himself,’ Althea replied.
I said, ‘What about Daisy?’
‘He lo
ves her,’ said Althea, ‘but only because she’s half of him.’
Thursday, May 5th
Keep thinking that Daisy doesn’t have a family anymore. And bursting into tears.
Friday, May 6th
Helen came round today.
Mum shouted, ‘Get off my doorstep you nasty cow.’
I told Mum it was alright. I wanted to hear what Helen had to say.
Dad tactfully asked Mum and Brandi to help at the pub and said if Callum was a very good boy he could play ‘ice cream van’ with the beer taps.
So Helen and I had the upstairs to ourselves.
While I was making us a cup of tea, Brandi came up looking for Callum’s sunglasses.
‘Is that tea for her ladyship?’ she whispered.
I said yes.
Brandi spat in the cup.
It’s the first time I’ve laughed since the wedding.
Then Helen appeared.
I had to give Helen the cup of tea then – it would have looked suspicious if I’d got rid of it.
Brandi said, ‘Do enjoy your lovely cup of tea.’
Helen went on about the garden and how it was lovely for families. Or something.
Mum’s got all these wind chimes, gnomes and wishing wells out there, amid picnic tables and beer parasols. Not exactly the slate flowerbeds and lollypop hedges in Helen’s garden. But nice for children.
It was very weird – Helen trying to be nice. A bit unsettling.
Luckily it didn’t last long.
Helen said she wanted to arrange ‘visitation’ for Nick and that she was happy to act as a ‘go-between’.
I asked why Nick couldn’t sort things out himself.
Helen talked about how sensitive Nick was and what a failure he felt.
She said, ‘You know how men are – when they feel low they often look to the baser comforts.’
Then she put her nasty, bony hand over mine and said, ‘Nicholas is like his father. A lover of women. A charmer.’
‘Didn’t you divorce Nick’s dad?’ I asked.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘But I shouldn’t have done. Men cheat. I should have forgiven him.’ Then she told me that Henry cheated on her with one of his factory workers – a woman who presses the toilet roll dispensers.
I asked her if Henry had ever slept with her bridesmaid.
She went quiet then, and asked if I’d seen Sadie.
I told her I never wanted to see Sadie or Nick ever again.
‘Perhaps if you talked to Sadie you might be more sympathetic,’ said Helen. ‘She’s … vulnerable right now.’
I asked her what she was talking about. Sadie is about as vulnerable as an armoured tank.
Helen said, ‘Given her … condition.’
‘Condition?’ I said. ‘What condition? The condition of being a complete backstabbing bitch?’
Then Helen said, ‘The condition of being pregnant.’ In this low, calm voice. She put a hand on mine and said, ‘Nick is the father.’
OMG, OMG, OMG.
I just freaked out, shouting and swearing. Sobbing.
I kept saying over and over, ‘How could they do this to Daisy? How could they do this?’
Then Helen left.
I was really glad Brandi had spat in her tea.
Saturday, May 7th
I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it.
Sadie’s pregnant.
PREGNANT.
Since when? Was she pregnant on our wedding day?
I thought I couldn’t be any more humiliated than I already am.
What next? Will I find dog shit on the bottom of my wedding shoes?
Is Sadie keeping the baby?
Actually, that’s a stupid thing to wonder. Of course she will. She’s an actress. A baby is nine months of drama.
I wonder what Nick said when he found out?
I’ll never forget the night I told him I was pregnant.
I did the pregnancy test while he was watching Game of Thrones.
I shouted, ‘Nick. NICK! I think I might be pregnant.’
‘Even if she is,’ he yelled back, ‘I think she dies in this episode.’
‘No. I’M pregnant,’ I bellowed.
‘Christ,’ said Nick. ‘As if I haven’t got enough to worry about.’
What did he say when Sadie told him?
God, I feel so sick.
Sunday, May 8th
I am totally fat, horrible, unlovable. No reason to lose weight anymore. Who cares?
Pigged out on Chicago Town pizzas, sour cream dip and Pringles – all the usual stuff round Mum and Dad’s.
I ate so much even Mum was worried. Well – she told me to slow down anyway. I think because there were no Pringles left and she likes to eat a tube while she’s watching The Apprentice.
No one seemed surprised that Sadie was pregnant. I even wondered if everyone knew already, but I think Brandi at least would have told me. She’s rubbish at keeping secrets.
Mum said she hoped Sadie would have triplets with huge heads.
I keep having niggling thoughts about Sadie.
I mean – yes, I hate her. She’s ruined my life and Daisy’s chance of a happy family. But if she’s pregnant and alone … I mean, that’s pretty awful.
Monday, May 9th
Grilled Althea about the pregnancy.
But she had nothing more to report. Her gay make-up artist friend is doing a ‘dance spectacular’ act on a cruise ship and has no phone reception.
Tuesday, May 10th
ARG!!!
Got a letter today from the Jolly-Piggott family solicitors. They’re asking for a DNA test for Daisy.
The BASTARDS!!!
I rang Nick twenty times, but he didn’t (wouldn’t) answer.
Drove round to Helen’s house and thumped on the door until the stained glass rattled.
When Helen answered, she looked down her long bird nose at my Ugg boots and pyjamas and said, ‘You’d better come inside before anyone sees you.’
Helen is having the kitchen redone, so there were tile samples everywhere with her manic pen scrawl on the back,
Dreadful.
Ghastly.
Christ – looks like a Manchester council estate.
I raged about the letter and the DNA test.
Helen put on her serious glasses and pretended to look at the letter. I could tell she knew exactly what it said, because after a two-second glance she said, ‘Just standard legal procedure. Nothing personal. Our solicitor thought it best.’
I told her it didn’t get more personal than questioning my virtue. Not sure why I used that word. Think I’ve been watching the TV remake of Pride and Prejudice …
‘You have to understand,’ Helen said. ‘Nicholas could have two children to support soon. We need to make sure things are clear.’
I asked whether Sadie would do a DNA test when the baby came.
Helen said she was ‘fully on board’. Which I suppose means yes.
Sadie won’t care about her honesty being questioned. She’s very at peace with being a liar.
I roared at Helen that Nick would have to pay for his daughter.
She said, ‘As long as Daisy is his daughter.’
I think I swore quite a lot then because I remember Helen wincing and saying something about bad language.
I made it all the way to the car before I burst into tears.
I cuddled Daisy. She chewed on a tile sample.
Then I phoned Laura. She was in the uni coffee shop with Zach.
In the background, I could hear Zach saying, ‘Excuse me, I’m terribly sorry but is this fair-trade tea? Don’t want to shit all over the farmers. Thank you.’
It’s sweet that those two are getting along, but also bad timing.
Why couldn’t Laura get a wonderful boyfriend years ago when I was happy with Nick?
Wednesday, May 11th
Had five voicemail messages today. Thought they’d all be from Nick, but they were all blank ones from Alth
ea. She’s never figured out how to hang up if someone doesn’t answer.
Thursday, May 12th
SO sick of checking my phone for Nick to call or text. I’ve decided to block his number. That way I won’t drive myself mad running to my phone whenever it bleeps.
Saturday, May 14th
Laura’s birthday today. I feel terrible – I forgot all about it.
Brandi forgot too, but she forgets everyone’s birthday. As the youngest in the family, she gets away with everything.
Phoned Laura to beg forgiveness. She didn’t mind. She said the health and happiness of her family and friends was the only gift she wanted.
Zach is taking her out to some fancy restaurant tonight.
Laura’s panicking that she won’t understand the menu.
She’s been studying upper-class food words. Apparently, lardon is just another word for bacon.
Sunday, May 15th
Still no news about Nick and Sadie.
Daisy has another cold. The poor snotty little thing. It’s agonising listening to her gasping for breath. I feel so worried.
Mum said, ‘She’s fine. Look at the size of those nostrils. You three were always getting colds as babies. And you turned out just fine …’
I ended up buying this contraption to suck snot out of Daisy’s nose.
It goes on the pile of baby devices that are supposed to make life easier but don’t actually work.
I have a whole box of them now, including:
A nursery thermometer that always says the room is dangerously hot.
A cot-death prevention sensor that goes off every time Daisy falls asleep.
A car bottle warmer that takes half an hour to heat a bottle.
A warmer for wet wipes.
Various teething products – amber teething necklace, teething powder sachets, chunky plastic teething keys.
I wonder how far along Sadie is? Is she sick? Was she pregnant on my WEDDING DAY? I wish I didn’t keep torturing myself with these questions. But it’s sort of impossible not to.
