When he’d at last emerged and walked past mid-morning looking like he’d been dragged from the wrong side of his bed, he’d walked past with his head bowed, not even pausing to give me the time of day before heading off to take a phone call.
He hates me.
I felt sad and annoyed at the same time, all my good feelings anticipating speaking to my daughter swept away.
It’s quiet. Boring. The men are at work. I’d offered to help the prospect tidying, but he brushed me off, saying it was his job to handle. Alex hasn’t turned up, and Dan’s gone with Salem to the auto-shop. I while away the time on my tablet, idly swiping through clothing designs and other sites which might help me with my business.
Finally, when I’ve almost reached the end of my tether, I get the summons I was waiting for. It was time to go and speak to Beth.
Last time I spoke to her I felt guilty as hell even though I’d taken what I’d hoped were the right precautions. I watch television and knew burner phones were hard to trace. Knowing I was doing something I shouldn’t have done had made me feel tense, now I know with good reason. It had been a hurried call just to check in with her to see that things were all well. Three or four minutes at best.
Today, I’m told, the phones have been checked both at the San Diego end by Token, and by Cad in Colorado. I’ve been assured the connection is secure. There’s no rush, and we can take our time. I’m determined to make the most of it.
After the initial excitement, both Beth and I burst into tears and can hardly get out a word. Ink’s chuckling in the background saying the call was supposed to make us both happy, not upset. His gentle chiding helps us to pull ourselves together.
I make light of the reason Connor and I are at the San Diego club, and just listen to Beth prattle on, as expected, about all the changes Ink and she have done to my house. It doesn’t upset me that my home for so long is being usurped and altered by them. It had been in need of an update. I just wish I could see the new kitchen and appliances they’d had installed. Her choice of granite counters sounds great.
I wonder if she’s already run out of things to say as it goes quiet on their end. Then Beth speaks again, her voice growing husky.
“We’ve got some news for you, Mom.”
“Go on, tell me.”
I think I’m prepared for anything until she rushes it out. “Ink and I are expecting a baby. It’s early days, I’m just over two months along.”
“You’re pregnant?” I shriek into the phone.
“We didn’t plan for it, but it happened. We’re both over the moon, Mom. Except…” Her voice breaks. I don’t need to be a genius to work out what isn’t being said.
Except I’m thousands of miles away and can’t be there for her. If I leave again, I may never be able to speak to her again. I won’t be there for the birth, won’t be able to hold my granddaughter or grandson. The implications flood through me. I try to hold back the tears, but Beth knows me too well.
“Mom…” And then she’s sobbing.
Ink’s deep voice takes over. “This is a fucked-up situation, but I know Demon’s working hard to find some way to resolve it. Hang on to hope, Patsy. That’s all we can do. We’ll find some way to keep in contact, send pictures, I don’t know. Dress up in disguise and bring the baby to meet you.”
“You can’t do that.” My sensible side takes over. “Alder’s after me, Ink. He seems to accept Connor is dead, so it has to be me he’s after. He could do anything, take Beth, take the baby… I wouldn’t put anything past him.”
“Talk to Lost, Patsy, there are things he needs to tell you.”
“Tell us, Ink.” Beth’s voice sounds stronger. “I should know things which affect me or Mom.”
“Club business,” Ink says firmly and decisively.
“Ink!”
“Was there anything in that safe deposit box?” I ask, not expecting a positive answer.
“I don’t know,” Beth complains. “Ink pushed me aside and looked through himself.”
“Talk to Lost,” Ink instructs again.
I hear a murmured discussion with Beth’s voice rising, but Ink’s clearly not giving in. With an audible huff, Beth addresses me again. “It’s been good to catch up with you, Mom.”
“You too, Beth. I’ll try to call again.” I’ll make sure of that before I move on. Something I think is inevitable, whatever help Lost was going to offer, the chance seems to have gone. “Look after yourself, and Ink? You treat her like glass.”
“Already doing that, Patsy,” Ink reassures me.
It’s then we start with the ‘I love yous’ over and over, both Beth and I renewing our tears over what should be happy news. I can’t be there at the exact time I want to be, and she, so used to sharing everything with her mom, wants.
I know Beth’s got other pregnant women around her, Ink by her side and his brothers too, but it’s not like having your mother with you. I’d always envisaged being at least close by, watching my daughter growing larger, helping her through any difficulties and sharing the joy as she puts together a nursery. Pregnancy is a strain for any woman, and I like to think I could have supported her. Now I’m not sure when I’ll even talk to her again. There’ll be a hundred things she’ll want to ask me, like how she and Dan were as babies.
I think it’s Ink who finally ends the call. Neither Beth nor I want to sever the connection.
I sit in Lost’s office, barely aware of where I am. Crying so hard, I don’t hear the door open or realise that someone’s come in until I feel strong masculine arms around me.
“Hush,” says Lost, stroking my hair and pulling me into his chest. “Hush, babe. It will be alright, I promise you.”
I don’t know whether I even like him right now, but that doesn’t seem to stop me taking the comfort he offers. I hold him tight and sob into his chest. He doesn’t seem to mind my tears soaking into his shirt.
He allows me to cry until I’m hiccuping and coming back to myself.
“She’s pregnant,” I sob. “I should be happy.”
“I know,” he replies simply. “I know, babe.”
“You know?” He knows I’m upset, or he already knew Beth’s expecting a baby?
“Yeah. Demon told me a few days ago. It wasn’t my place to tell you. Beth and Ink needed to share their news themselves.”
I suppose that makes sense, but I hate the thought of him knowing before me.
He passes me one final tissue, then waits for me to dab the last of my tears away and blow my nose in a very unladylike manner. Why do women cry? It never does anything but give you a headache and, in my case, blotched skin and red eyes which are sore for hours after. I’m not a pretty crier.
Lost stares at me as I do my mop up, refraining from commenting on how bad I look. Instead, his hand gently brushes my hair back from my face as he quietly says, “We need to talk.”
I’m wrung dry, unable to sustain my anger. He’s right, we do need a discussion, about what had happened between us and where that puts me now. About whether he’s still going to help me. The man who comforted me just then is not the man who I returned to the clubhouse with yesterday afternoon. His changing moods has my already aching head spinning. “I don’t understand what happened yesterday…” I turn my watery, swollen eyes toward him.
“Yesterday isn’t what we really need to talk about.” He sounds and looks serious. “But you’re right, we need to get that out of the way first.” His eyes close briefly. When he opens them again, they’re narrowed and full of pain. “I fucked up, Patsy. I took my past out on you. I’m sorry. I know I said some fuckin’ hateful things to you.” He huffs. “I don’t even know why I went there. It wasn’t you who should have borne the brunt of what I was feeling.”
I kind of felt that at the time. That I was being compared to someone else, someone who’d hurt him in the past. I could tell him he was a jerk and that I could no longer trust him. I could tell him I’m not interested because he’d hurt me too much, but I
don’t. Instead I comment, “I said something that triggered you.”
He’s still stroking my hair, I like it. A little too much if I’m honest. I want to keep him talking so he doesn’t stop. As he looks like he’s gathering his thoughts, I tell him mine. While I’d been crying, I knew I couldn’t do this, either to me or to Beth. I couldn’t run from my problems, whatever they are. I need to face them head-on. I need to do everything possible so my future entwines with that of my daughter again.
“Lost,” I get in before he can start speaking, “you made me feel like a woman again. You made it sound like you cared. Then you lost it, and to me, there seemed to be no reason.” As he opens his mouth, I shake my head. “I need to be there for Beth. I need to be able to contact her whenever I want, even if I can’t physically be with her. Sure, she could do without me, but she’d do better with her mom’s support. If you think there’s a chance we can get the better of Alder, then that’s what I want to do. If you’re still prepared to help.”
He pulls away slightly and looks at me carefully. “You want to stay and fight? Stand up to him?”
“If that’s what I have to do, yes. I thought I could be content knowing Beth had Ink and she was happy, but I’m broken in two. I want to be there for Dan, but I need to have contact with Beth too. She needs me. She needs her mom.”
“They both need you.” His stare becomes intense. “I promise I’ll do everything in my power so you can have the life you want Patsy. I… I also want to be there for you.”
I shake my head. “How can I trust you after yesterday? You hurt me, Lost. Dangled something in front of me then snatched it away, and I don’t understand why. I can’t do this alone; I need your help, but I can’t depend on you. I can’t walk on eggshells wondering whether any word I say is going to be the wrong one.”
He stands, brushes his hands back through his hair, then tugs at his beard. “What I needed to talk to you about is about Alder. But I want you to trust me, babe. So first, I need to come clean with you.” His face becomes shuttered. “Perhaps I also ought to warn you that everything I touch turns sour, Patsy. Perhaps you’re better staying away from me. I have a track record of fuckin’ things up. It’s all I seem to do.” He’s berating himself, but something tells me he truly believes it.
“What do you mean? You’re the president of this club and I know enough about bikers to know that means everyone here has faith in you. They must have voted you in.”
He shrugs. “I’ve known from the start that they shouldn’t have. Even tried to tell them that, but they still wanted me at the head of the table. Fuck knows why.”
I’m puzzled. He seems so in control, so confident. Now he’s showing me another side, his vulnerability. I frown. Should I take heed of his warning? As far as I can see, he’s the only one I can call on to help. While I’d love to return to Colorado, I can’t do anything that might put Beth in danger, she’s already been through too much. Has Lost really left a raft of failures in his wake? Is he cautioning me with good reason? If he really is prone to making mistakes, then perhaps I’m wrong to hitch my hopes to his wagon. Yet, I think, staring at him, I might not know him well, but, disregarding his strange behaviour yesterday, so far, he’s not led me wrong. He rescued me from a stalker, and has extended his club’s protection to me and Dan. If I judge by results and actions, I’m not wrong to have faith in this man.
On the other hand, maybe I’m blinded by my attraction to him. Maybe I’m clutching at straws. Yesterday I wanted to explore what could be between us, but today, my sensible head says I’m not sure.
But if he’s the only man capable of providing me with the assistance I need, what he’s telling me doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. Why does he expect everything to go south? I need to dig deeper.
“Lost, tell me, please. Why don’t you trust yourself?”
He turns back to me and those piercing eyes meet mine. “Because I fuck things up. It’s what I do, Patsy. I can’t change my nature. I ruin people’s lives.”
“Whose lives?” I’m both curious and worried.
“You really want to know?”
Chapter Eighteen
Lost
“You really want to know?” I ask her, my words coming out a little harsher than I intended. I’ve no problem with telling her about my past, it’s no secret, just something I don’t often bring up. I do know, however, once I tell her, if I haven’t already blown it by my behaviour yesterday, I’ll definitely lose any chance I might have had to explore this attraction between us.
When she nods, I take a deep breath. She needs to know, needs to understand that she should run a mile rather than trust my judgement.
I stand and start to pace, exposing my soul easier if I keep moving. Once I start, my whole damn fucked-up life spills out. “I left college with a degree in computer science and a head full of ideas. I went to several conferences and teamed up with some people who were developing a PDA, remember those? Personal Data Assistants. They were a revelation when they came in. Long before smart phones, for the first time you could carry your data with you in a handheld device. They had word processing functions, spreadsheets, a microphone and speakers. It was the new thing. Exciting.” I pause to shake my head. How stupid had I been?
I see Patsy’s listening intently, so I continue. “After I graduated, I got talking to those same people again. They liked my ideas and wanted to run with them. Well, I knew best, didn’t I? I knew from their interest that I was onto a winner. I was in a good place financially, my grandfather had died and left me a bit of money—that had come as a surprise, he’d never shared it when he was alive. So I decided to put my windfall into starting up my own company. I employed a couple of programmers and we began developing applications which would run on those PDAs. I was bringing in a lot of money and became ambitious as the future looked bright. To keep up with demand, I had to employ more people. I ended up with a staff of twenty-five—fifteen developers and programmers, the rest were sales and administration.” I close my eyes, my lips curving slightly as I remember the good old days. I like to think I was a good boss and had built a great team. One big happy family.
“The problem was, I’d banked everything on one platform, one technology. The big companies were pandering to the public who were clamouring for more and had far more money to invest in research than I had myself. The world didn’t want to carry a phone and a PDA with them. Smarter people than I saw which way the wind was blowing and combined the two technologies. It culminated in things like the iPhone which was eventually launched in 2007.”
“Your company couldn’t keep up?”
I raise my chin and lower it. “I went bust because I’d failed to make the right decisions. So tied up in making the best applications I could for one device, I lacked the foresight to keep up with the rest. The platform we were using wasn’t popular anymore. We tried to change, but not only had I left it too late, I was a small fuckin’ fish in a pond which was dominated by big players. I borrowed money, put everything I owned into the business, but it all went belly-up and I had to let my staff go. Twenty-five people out of employment because I’d made wrong decisions.” There had been Bob, Jonathan, Anthony, Sylvia… the list goes on. All people depending on me, who’d fought beside me to pull us back up, but in the end, I let them all down.
“I had to sell my house to pay back the loan.” I glance her way, trying to judge her expression. “My wife, of course, left me.”
She goes still. “Your wife left you?”
My shoulders rise and fall. “I’d failed her too. We could no longer keep our heads above water. I could no longer support her. I had barely anything left at all. I managed to keep back enough to set her up with a small apartment, but she’d lost her house.”
“What did you do?” she asks tersely, her jaw clenched. “Where did you live?”
Yeah. I had expected how this would go. Not a good track record, a man who couldn’t provide for his family, who let down everyone who
depended on him, including his wife.
“That’s when the old prez, Snake, well, he was VP then, but it was he who found me. Brought me here as a prospect as I had nowhere else to go, and nothing to my name except an old motorbike which had next to no gas in the tank. I went from a man with dreams to a man with no home, no money in my wallet. Snake told me I was lost, and that’s how I picked up my road name.” I don’t tell her how Snake found me, or that he’d effectively saved my life.
Patsy stands. I know she’s going to walk out and leave now she understands what a fuck up I am. Instead, she walks over to me. I notice there are twin spots of red on her cheeks.
“You gave what you had to a wife who walked out because your business failed? Did you have kids?”
“No, no children.”
“Did she work?”
I bark a short laugh. “No. Things got so dire I had to ask her to find something, but obviously she wasn’t happy about it.”
Her jaw clenches tight. “She complained when she had to get a job?”
I shrug again. “Yeah. She depended on me to support her. I was a disappointment, I failed her.”
Those blotches of red on her face deepen, and her finger prods me in the chest. “Listen here, Lost. You were not a failure. Businesses come and go all the time. Technology moves on. No one can predict the way things will head, what will become popular. Sure, your business ran into the ground but that wasn’t something you could help. It could have gone the other way; you could have come up with the next best thing since sliced bread. And, it was a time when big technology companies were wiping out the small guys. That wasn’t your fault. As for your wife? She sounds like a terrible human being. She was the one who failed you. A woman should stay by her man’s side.” She sighs, clarifying what she’s said. “I couldn’t stay with Phil as he was dragging us down into something I couldn’t let the kids and me be a part of. If he’d lost his job through no fault of his own, I’d have supported him, but he didn’t. He lost it as he made the decision to do something illegal, and then carried on as he found it was lucrative.”
Being Lost: Satan's Devils MC San Diego #1 Page 19
