I hadn’t felt like a menopausal woman in his arms. I’d felt ageless, cherished and loved.
Loved? Too soon, no way. Lost had told me I was his, but he only meant last night, didn’t he? I know my own feelings, could he be feeling the same way?
My feelings?
I pull his pillow toward me, breathing in the scent of the man. I’ve never been particularly enamoured of a man’s perfume before, and if I’m honest, I do smell his sweat. But it’s his pheromones clinging to the material that are doing something to me, and instead of a turn-off, it’s a turn-on, twinned with the memory of what we had been doing. I wish I could steal his sheet, take it with me so he’d be with me every day.
Take it with me, because yes, I have to leave. Leave, I must, before I sink deeper into the pool of desire and affection that I feel toward Lost. Get away, before I admit what I feel could be love. Initially I’d had feelings for my ex, what I already feel for Lost surpasses them.
He asked me to move my things into his room.
What’s worrying is how much I want to. To fall asleep in his arms each night after making love, well, there’s nothing more I’d rather do.
There are too many reasons why I can’t.
Yesterday, I’d had information thrown at me from all directions. Suggestions, ideas, outrageous thoughts that made me feel I’d been dropped into the middle of an action movie. One thing after another coming at me fast, it had been too hard to compute.
Now, I lay back, sifting through, trying to get everything straight in my head. It all circles around to one thing—everyone would be better off if I went away.
I start to rise, then stop. No. Think this through. Don’t act rashly.
I’m totally out of my depth and not afraid to admit it. I’m a housewife, mother and I sew clothes. I’ve never even handled a gun in my life. The only fights I’ve ever seen have been staged and filmed, or violence I’ve seen on the news. In real life, I suspect they’d be terrifying. I don’t want my son or the man who made love to me in the midst of something like that. Nor do I want Lost’s men to be pulled into something because of me. They’ve got their own quirks, but I’m beginning to like them.
I’m the one Alder’s after. If I leave, everyone here will be safe.
Tears prick at the back of my eyes. I don’t want to leave. I just don’t see what else I can do. The only thing I’m firm on is that whatever decision I make has to be acted on today, while I’m still able to tear myself away from the man who’s come to mean so much to me in such a short time.
Tear myself away? Rip my heart into shreds is more like it. This time, it won’t just be a daughter I’m leaving behind, it will be Dan, and Lost. But they’ll be safe.
Angrily I wipe my eyes dry, knowing I’ve no choice. I have to go now, before it becomes too great a temptation to spend more nights in Lost’s bed.
What does Alder want from me? If only I knew, maybe I could give it to him then stay. Or maybe leaving won’t be forever. Maybe Alder will get arrested and be put away, and then I’ll be able to return and maybe have my happily ever after.
I will survive. I’ve spent eighteen years on my own, bringing up my children with no one to support me. I did it and never complained. I don’t know what it’s like to have someone to lean on. I can do what’s necessary again, even though it would hurt me. At least I won’t have the pain of being responsible for the death of anyone close to me. I wouldn’t be able to bear seeing the light fade from Lost’s eyes.
My decision is made. I’m leaving. Today.
I use Lost’s shower, use his toiletries too, knowing I’ll smell of his body wash, at least until I bathe myself again. The water washes away my tears and I try to plant a smile on my face as I retreat to my room, using my own toothbrush to clean my teeth. Half of me wishes Lost will come out of his meeting, see what I’m doing and stop me, but the rest of me knows it’s me who’s bringing trouble down onto his head.
Before I can have second thoughts, I pack my bag, mentally running through everything I need to do.
One of the members drove my car to the compound, so I’ve transportation at least. My son. What do I do about him? How can I tell him goodbye? He’ll want to come with me, and I can’t let him. Alder is after me, not him. What about Beth? If I call her to say goodbye, she’ll play on the pregnancy card and try to persuade me to stay. She’ll tell Ink, who’ll tell Lost.
Beth’s got Ink, her friends too. Mel’s about to give birth herself, she’ll be able to help Beth through. Violet too. She’ll be fine.
Will she? Will Dan?
But I can’t send Lost to his death. What if Alder brings his fight to the compound? Dan might die too. If Alder’s got so many contacts in San Diego, it’s only a matter of time before he sees Dan around. He can’t stay locked up on the compound for the rest of his life. Somehow I’ve got to draw Alder’s attention away.
I’ve got no choice. What’s the happiness of a woman in her mid-fifties against the health and wellbeing of her children? They’ll be safe if I go, that’s all I want. Dan can stay dead to the world and build a new life for himself. Lost will help him. Though we haven’t discussed it at length, I know he would.
Dan. I can’t leave without trying to explain to him. I’ll just have to make him see sense, that it will be better for everyone if I leave on my own. If I slip up again, and Alder finds me, it will only be me who pays the price.
I carry my bag down the stairs, guilty as any teenager trying to creep out of her parents’ house unseen, but all the members appear to be in their meeting with Lost, and there’s only a prospect behind the bar. Prospects, I’ve learned, obey orders and don’t ask questions. Not that I expect him to dance to my tune, but at least he should ignore what I’m doing.
Dan’s not around. Setting my bag down out of sight, I ascend the stairs again, only to find he’s not in his room either.
With a sigh, I return to the clubroom and now I do approach Wrangler.
“Do you know where Dan, my son, is?”
“Yes, ma’am. He’s in the next hangar. I overheard Salem asking him if he’d do a job.”
The hangar they’re clearing out so they can do custom work there. I’m not surprised, Dan seems to enjoy tinkering with bikes. Perhaps they’ll give him a job, and he can go to college. The world is his oyster if I can lure Alder away from him.
I’d expected to have to confront him, but now he’s out of the way, perhaps I’ll take this reprieve.
“Have you got a paper and pen?”
Behind the bar, Wrangler sinks to his haunches and then rises, my requested items in his hand. Taking the page torn from a notebook, I go to a table and start to write. It’s hard to say goodbye, but knowing any words would be inadequate, a few sentences will have to suffice.
I fold the paper, then pass it to Wrangler. “This is for Dan. Please give it to my son.”
Then, I pick up my bag.
“Where are you going?” the prospect asks, his brow furrowed.
“Just to my house to collect some more stuff.” I try to heft the bag as though it’s empty. Crossing my fingers behind my back, I add, “Lost knows all about it.”
Then, with my head held high, I exit the clubroom, taking my keys out of my purse, and walk to my car.
I worry someone might be manning the gate, but I’m in luck. There’s no one there and it slides open as I approach it. No last obstacle to impede my escape. I sigh with relief as I drive through. I’m free.
My jubilation is short lived. What do I do now?
The only thing I can do. Drive. But where? I try to get excited that I can go anywhere I want, but I can’t even think of a direction in which I should be headed.
I like the ocean, and the warmer climate. Maybe I should make my way across the southern states, maybe all the way to Florida. I’ll drive as far as I can each day, and perhaps I’ll come across somewhere that will appeal to me as a place to settle down. The only limiting thing will be my dwindling money.
I need to earn. I’ll need to work, keep posting my designs to my website. At least the company that is currently buying them will hopefully continue. I can work anywhere.
I point my car east on I-8 and put my foot to the metal, well, obeying the speed limits of course.
As I drive, the immensity of what I’m doing hits me. I’m running as I couldn’t get attached to Lost. Or any more than I have already. One more night in his bed, and I wouldn’t have left. I regret last night, considering it would have been better to live my life without knowing the pleasure I could find with Lost. On the other hand, though, I’m grateful to have experienced it, and to have the memory to hold on to for the rest of time.
Oh God, what have I done? I’ve left Beth without a word. I didn’t have the guts to face Dan either.
I’ve been a fool. I didn’t speak to anyone as they’d all have told me this is the wrong thing to do.
Should I turn back?
I pull off the road at the next rest stop, trying to park away from the trailer outfits against which my car looks tiny. I try to make myself think rationally.
If I go back now, I’ll never have the strength to leave again. I know myself too well. Lost will know what I’ve done by now and will do everything short of tying me to his bed to prevent me—actually I wouldn’t put that past him. Dan will pressure me by saying my place is with him now and will use Beth’s condition to persuade me.
I tap my hands on the steering wheel. What do I do?
It comes back to the question, what does Alder want from me?
However hard I think back, Phil never told me or even hinted about what he and Alder were into. He didn’t even share the names of his legitimate clients with me, let alone details of plans he and his brother-in-law had. The information that was left in the safe deposit box is ancient history now, it has to be. It all comes down to Alder thinking it was me who dropped him in it to the feds and not knowing exactly what I shared with them.
What if I do make it to Florida? What would I do there? Settle down, live a new life. How could I be happy without my family around me? Never knowing what’s happening in their lives and always looking behind me.
I’m unhappy now and will probably be that way for the rest of my life. I can’t see me ever finding peace again having left everything I love behind me.
The beginnings of an idea form in my mind. I’ll get far enough away then try to make contact with Alder. God knows how, the feds couldn’t find him. But if I slipped up again, and this time deliberately, maybe I could draw him out? Find out what he wants, then… Well, let’s be honest, he might kill me. But there’s a chance I might make him see that I’ve no information that can harm him, and never have. Maybe there’s a chance I’ll see my family and Lost again. It’s worth the risk. Without them, I’ve not much to live for.
I sob. Dan, Beth and Lost. Can I really survive never seeing them again?
I sob again. I won’t survive. Not if I’ve given up everything that means anything to me. Have I been foolish? Should I have leaned on Lost? But for eighteen years, longer if I’m honest, I’ve relied on no one but myself. The thought of passing over my safety into someone else’s hands is scary.
I seem to be frozen. I can’t move forward; I can’t go back. I don’t know what the hell to do for the best.
I can’t even drive on. I wouldn’t be able to see the road through my tears.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lost
Dart stands, patting his pockets to check he’s got everything with him. “I’ve got a woman and family to get home to.”
I raise my chin toward him, realising I’ve been speaking about myself, and haven’t enquired about his. “Baby doing well?”
He grimaces slightly. “She’s teething, which means we’re not sleeping.”
There are some benefits to not having children it would seem. “Bring her to the compound soon, Dart. Been a while since I’ve seen my niece.” Might not have my own kids, but I can be a relative by proxy.
“She gets spoiled rotten when she’s here,” he complains, but the curve of his lips shows not seriously.
“Hey, Prez?” Token’s at the door. “Patsy’s gone.”
“Gone?” I swing around, trying to interpret the words in any way that could suggest he didn’t mean them to sound as they had. But one look at his face and I feel as though someone’s poured ice cold water down my back.
“Yeah.” Token’s nostrils flare as he pushes a prospect into the room. “Fucker here didn’t think to stop her.”
“I didn’t know,” Wrangler wails his defence. “She said you knew, Lost. There was no reason to tell anyone. She left a note for her son.”
No note for me? I hold out my hand and snap, “Give it to me.”
He does. It only takes a few seconds to peruse it.
Darling Dan
I’m so sorry to leave without talking, but I know you’d try and dissuade me. I can’t have you or Lost, or the MC putting themselves in danger. Please don’t try to find me. Speak to Lost, he’ll help you get sorted I’m certain.
Tell Beth I love her, but this is for the best.
I love you, Dan, always remember that. Wherever I end up, I’ll be thinking of you. Thinking of both you and Beth.
Tell Lost… Tell Lost I’ll never forget him.
Your ever-loving mom xxx
Goddamnit! I’m glad I intercepted the note, Dan would be distraught to read it. Why the hell had she taken off?
I have my suspicions, but they’re not for examination now. Now we’ve got to find her.
Taking my phone out of my cut, I try to call her.
“No good, Prez,” Token says. “I’ve traced her phone, she left it here.”
“Fuck!” I roar, slamming my fist down on the table. “How the hell do we find her now? Did she say anything, Prospect, about where she was headed?”
Wrangler shuffles, looks down at his feet, then when he looks up it seems to have dawned on him how badly he fucked up, and can already see the chances of him getting patched in are fading into the distance. “I didn’t ask,” he mumbles. “I didn’t think. Sorry, Prez.”
Sorry isn’t going to cut it. Dart’s looking from the prospect then back to me, his eyes wide open in horror. He’s been here before when Alex disappeared. At least I know Patsy hasn’t been kidnapped by her crazy ex.
“Who let her out the fuckin’ gate?” Could someone more intelligent than Wrangler have stopped her? Is there a chance she’s still here?
Wrangler shifts awkwardly. “Sorry, Prez. I was behind the bar and watching the monitors. I opened it for her.”
“Lost, Brother. I’m so fuckin’ sorry…” For once Dart is at a loss for words. His expression directed toward the prospect shows he’s also questioning how he could have been so stupid.
I’m at a complete loss. My impulse is to rush after her. But where? I could put my fist in Wrangler’s face, but how would that help?
“What are we waiting for?” Token asks, his expression not what I would have expected.
“What do you fuckin’ suggest we do, Toke? Send search parties out in every fuckin’ direction? How long has she fucking been gone?”
Wrangler brightens at a question he can answer. “About an hour.”
“Then I suggest we go get her. If we hurry, we can catch up to her.”
“If it were that fuckin’ easy…” I again catch the strange, almost self-satisfied expression on Token’s face. My lips press together and my eyes narrow. “What do you know that I don’t?”
Token shrugs. “Only that I put a tracker on her car.”
“Which she might have already swapped for another, or a rental.” Patsy’s not stupid, she’d known enough to buy a burner phone.
“Not when I’ve already frozen her bank accounts. I suspected she might do something stupid.”
I could kiss the fucking asshole. “What are we fuckin’ waiting for then?”
Dart rushes past me. I’m hot on his heels as h
e enters the clubroom and whistles loudly. “Patsy’s gone. We’re bringing her back. Who’s with us?”
It seems quite a few. Salem puts down his undrunk beer, Pennywise slurps back some of his before slamming the bottle onto the table. Scribe, Dusty and Blaze stand. Grumbler, Bones, Kink and Snips are already running out to their bikes.
“I’ll go in the truck with Wrangler,” Token suggests. “I can track her, you all follow.”
Suits me. Quicker we get to wherever we’re heading, the faster I can bring my woman home. And this time I’ll make damn sure she’s never leaving again, even if I have to tie her to my fucking bed.
I don’t have to tell them how to ride in formation. Getting into position behind the truck, I take the lead, Dart at my side. Grumbler and Salem fall into place behind us. Next come Bones and Snips, and the others, then Blaze at the rear as road captain.
I’m not surprised when Token leads us up I-8 heading east, not that I knew which direction she’d run in, but expected it to be one of the major routes out of the city. We’ve only left San Diego about fifty miles behind when right indicator of the truck I’m following comes on. A flick of my eyes shows it’s a rest stop, and I wave my hand over my head.
A brief, unlikely concern, that somehow she searched the car and found the tracker Token had planted there is quickly dismissed. I’ve more faith in my brother’s ability to hide it than hers to find it in a casual search, even if she knew it was there. Then any fear disappears when I spot her car, and her sitting in the driver’s seat.
As if I’d given them instruction, the bikes surround the car, blocking any escape. Then I’m cutting my engine, sweeping my leg over the bike and running to her door. It’s locked.
Being Lost: Satan's Devils MC San Diego #1 Page 27
