"You see," she continued, "the way a man treats you can make you feel insecure about yourself. That's why it's so important to understand their motives and to be strong yourself. I won't let that happen to you. I won't," she vowed. "That's why I don't mind telling you all my secrets, and why I hope and pray you'll tell me yours as well."
I smiled and nodded, but I couldn't help wondering if her revelations brought us closer, as she had hoped, or drove us further apart. I wasn't sure about the answer myself. An my heart I knew that it would take some time to find out.
Neither of us ate very much, and I was happy when she suggested it was time to go home. Wade would be home from his meeting, she told me, and we left.
Once we were in her car and on our way, she reviewed the men she had attracted in the bar, predicting what each one would be like as a husband. It was as if all the things she had told me about herself, her therapy, her insecurity, were put into a trunk and buried under old furniture in some attic. She was back to being the Ami I had first met.
When we got home, she had an entirely different story about the restaurant to tell Wade. Then she started to tease him about his meeting, just the way she teased men at the bar.
"Did you all talk about your newest nuts? What's new in bolts?"
He turned beet red in front of me, and Ami laughed. It occurred to me then that she had married Wade precisely because he was so inexperienced when it came to women and sex, and so very shy himself. He was no threat to her. How different it was when she confronted Basil. She needed therapy almost for that alone, I thought.
Wade and I finally got into a conversation about the required reading I had to do in English class. He took me into his library to give me a book he thought I would enjoy, and Ami grew bored. When she went up to the bedroom to go to sleep, Wade soon followed. I started to read the book he had given me. Before I knew it, I'd been sitting there nearly half an hour. I got myself something cold to drink and started up.
Once again, when I reached the upstairs hallway, I heard Ami whimpering. I was sure of it. Wade sounded angry, however, and I distinctly heard him say, "You're not trying."
In response, Ami continued to sob.
Suddenly, I did catch a movement in the shadows down the hallway near the bedroom Basil used. I held my breath as a figure stepped forward. It wasn't Noble.
It was Mrs. Cukor.
The surprise stopped my heart. She started toward me, and I turned quickly and went into my bedroom, closing the door behind me and waiting there. What was she doing in the shadows? Would she tell Wade and Ami that I had been eavesdropping at their bedroom door?
If she walked past my bedroom, she did it on air, I thought. I didn't hear a footstep. After a few more mo ments, I went into the bathroom and prepared for bed. It was very hard to fall asleep; I tossed and turned, listening every moment for the sound of someone at the door. Finally, out of near exhaustion, I sank into a deep sleep.
Trevor called me first thing in the morning the following day, and we talked for almost an hour. He threatened to sneak onto the property and climb up the wall to my room after my piano lesson, and he made it sound so possible that I had trouble concentrating when my piano teacher arrived. Apparently, Mrs. Cukor did not report me to either Wade or Ami. Neither asked me about my listening at their bedroom door.
Ami sat watching me take my first piano lesson, and Wade stopped in to listen and observe as well. Afterward, Ami had Mrs. McAlister serve tea and cakes.
I liked my teacher. He said that he could tell immediately if a prospective student had any potential, and he assured both Ami and me that I did.
"She has a musical ear," he said.
"She might have inherited it," Ami said, looking my way and winking.
"Quite possible," Mr. LaRuffa told her, and we scheduled two lessons a week, one always being on Saturday night. He wondered about that himself. "Surely a young lady this pretty will have dates and parties."
"Not right away," Ami assured him firmly. "We'll change days and times later."
"Whatever you wish," he said, and left.
Afterward Wade, Ami, and I sat together and watched television. It was really the first time we had done something remotely social together, and I saw that Wade was relaxed and happy. We laughed at the comedy show we watched. For the first time, I felt as though I was really part of a family. It was also the first time I had seen Wade and Ami show any affection toward each other. She sat beside him on the sofa and leaned against him, and he put his arm around her.
What could possibly have been their problem the night before? I wondered.
Watching them made me think of Trevor. I wondered if he was having a good time at Waverly's party and if Germaine Osterhout had dug her nails deeply into him again. She surely had to be
encouraged by my not attending the party. Wade saw the sadness in my face.
"Why are we getting her lessons on Saturday night?" he asked Ami. "Maybe she wants to go to a movie with her friends or something."
Ami looked at me, her expression urging me to answer.
"It's all right," I said. "I didn't have anything planned."
"Yes, this Saturday maybe, but what about next week?"
"If something comes up, her teacher will reschedule, Wade. We've already discussed it. Not to worry," she told him. "Right, Celeste?"
I nodded.
He looked skeptical but dropped the subject. After another ten minutes or so, I excused myself to go up to my room.
"I want to take you to the new outlet stores tomorrow," Ami shouted after me. "Plan for it."
"She must have other things to do beside go shopping constantly with you, Ami," I heard Wade tell her. I paused to hear her reply.
"We might see a movie, too," Ami told him.
"I'd like to see her go places with kids her age," he insisted.
"She will. Don't worry so much. Just give her some time to make sincere friends. She's very perceptive and very particular," Ami replied.
They were quiet, so I continued up to my room. I went right to the bathroom and then took off my clothes and put on one of the sheer nightgowns Ami had gotten me. I suddenly realized, however, that I wasn't that tired. I pulled back my blanket, but instead of crawling into bed, I felt myself drawn to the moonlight and went to one of my windows.
I sat on the edge of the sill and looked out at the moonlit lawn and trees, all silhouetted and silent like dedicated sentinels keeping guard over the house and grounds. Sitting there reminded me of my life on the farm before I was permitted to be outside during the daylight hours. I felt as imprisoned and as aloof from the real world. I was a girl locked in a bubble again, wishing I could simply open my window and fly away like one of the beautiful birds I used to watch. How wonderful it would be to have that freedom, I thought, and recalled the heavy blanket of sadness and self-pity I wore on my tiny shoulders back then.
I wasn't even aware that I was crying until I felt a tear fall off my chin and touch my face. Suddenly, in the window, I thought I saw Noble's reflection, saw him standing behind me, looking sad, but before I spun around, I heard what sounded like hail hitting the glass.
In an instant Noble's image was gone.
But I saw something better, something I wanted to see even more, something I had wished for and fantasized so hard, I made it come true.
When I looked out and down, I saw Trevor Foley standing in a pool of moonlight, looking up at me.
12 Sweet Sorrow
.
I opened my window and poked my head out. "What are you doing here?" I called down to
him.
"The party stunk," he said. "I thought I'd drop
by. I saw your piano teacher leave, and I was
watching you through the window so I would know
when you went up to your room."
"How did you get through the gate?" I asked. I
knew no one would let him in.
"You think mere gates could stop me from
&
nbsp; seeing you?"
"You'd better go. Someone will see you or hear
you, Trevor."
"So? Didn't you ever read Romeo and Juliet?
Like Romeo, I'm willing to risk life and limb. I'm here
to climb up to your balcony." He turned as if there
was an audience watching and cried, "But soft! What
light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and
Celeste is the sun."
"But I don't have a balcony," I said, laughing. "Really? Well, then the roof of these bay
windows will have to stand in its place," he declared, and began to climb, pulling himself up to the bay
window roof.
"Trevor, stop. Go back. You can't do this," I
warned him, turning to be sure no one had overheard,
no one was coming into my room.
He hoisted himself to his feet and was now
standing with his face inches from mine.
"Hi," he said.
"You idiot. You're going to get us both into big
trouble. Get out of here before it's too late." "I wouldn't think of leaving without a kiss," he
said. "You're absolutely crazy."
"Crazy for you," he replied, and leaned on the
windowsill, closed his eyes, and pursed his lips. "If I kiss you, will you go?"
"Probably not," he said, "but it's worth a try." When I leaned in closer to kiss him, I smelled
whiskey on his breath and snapped my head back.
"You've been drinking!"
"Just enough to boost my courage," he said, and
held up his thumb and forefinger. "Waverly's parties
get a little wild. Booze comes out of the faucets. It's
like a Roman orgy."
"So how come you left?"
"I quickly realized you weren't there," he said.
"No one tried to take my place?"
"Many tried, none succeeded," he declare. He
closed his eyes again and wavered. I thought he was
going to fall off the narrow roof and reached out for
him.
"Trevor! You're making me nervous," I said,
gripping his arm.
"Have a drink," he said, "and boost your
courage." He reached into his back pocket and
produced a small metal flask. He offered it, then he
opened it and took a sip. "Now, I can face anyone and
anything," he declared, and moved to crawl through
my window.
"Trevor!" I cried in a hoarse whisper. "My kiss, please," he said halfway in. I kissed him quickly. He kept his eyes closed. "A little too fast," he said. "Didn't have time to
register. Replay, please."
"You fool," I said, but I kissed him and held my
lips to his longer and firmer.
When I pulled away this time, he opened his
eyes and looked at me with such affection and clear
desire, I felt what Ami said I would feel, a loss of
control, art eagerness to continue, a tingle down my
spine that swept all caution away.
"I'll be as quiet as a feather," he promised, and
kept coming. I stepped back and waited until he was
completely inside. He was already inside my heart. I
couldn't help; but be amused by his antics and charm. "You're going to get us both into big trouble," I
said, but not with much firmness.
"Really great things, important things, are
always full of risk, but usually worth it," he replied,
and reached for my hand to pull me closer to him. I realized how thin and flimsy the material
between my naked body and him was when his hands
moved up from my waist and slowly came around to
caress my breasts while we kissed again, this time
longer.
"You know, Celeste," he said. "I would never
tell anyone I believed in love at first sight until I saw
you walk into homeroom the other day. It was as if
my heart had been sleeping in my chest, pretending to
beat, because suddenly it thumped like someone
pounding his fist on my bedroom door to wake me up. "And when you looked at me, held me in your
gaze like you did, I was ready to kiss your feet." "You're just saying that because you're drunk,
Trevor Foley."
"I don't have to be drunk to tell you what's in
my heart," he replied, and kissed me again.
All Ami's words and warnings hovered about
my head flapping their wings like hysterical
butterflies, trying desperately to get an audience with
my whirling brain, but I refused to pay attention. I
didn't stop him from backing me up to my bed, and
when he kissed my neck and moved his hand over the
nightgown, guiding it off my shoulder, I didn't stop
him.
I sat on my bed and let him lower the
nightgown below my breasts. He fell to his knees and
for a long moment just drank me in. I didn't move.
The excitement exploding inside me seemed to make
me more and more helpless. He brought his lips to my
breasts, to each nipple, kissing and licking, and then
he slowly guided me back until I was lying there
looking up at him with wonder in my eyes. It felt so
much like one of my dreams that for a moment or
two, I really did believe I would blink and he would
be gone. The window would be closed, and all that
had occurred would prove to be fantasy.
The sound of his belt being unbuckled brought
me back to reality.
"Trevor," I whispered, more as a weak plea for
him to stop than an invitation.
But that was how he took it. He smiled and
lowered himself beside me, kissing me, holding and
petting rue as he completed the removal of my
nightgown. How could Ames words and warnings be
so ineffective? Why wasn't I heeding any of it? Was it
because I saw her as hypocritical since she had
revealed her deepest secrets? Or was I using that to
rationalize my own promiscuous behavior?
As Trevor continued to kiss and touch me
around those erogenous zones Ami had described, I
continued to think and debate with myself. It was
truly as though I had lifted myself out of my body and
was sitting on the bed watching all this take place.
Perhaps I had replaced my precious Noble.
Are you trying to make up for lost time, missing
romantic experiences? Does it bother you so much
that Ami saw you as a complete innocent, bother you
enough to cause you to surrender yourself so quickly
and completely? What are you trying to prove, Celeste
Atwell? Do you really believe that one experience like
this will make you just as sophisticated as all those
other girls at the private school?
I almost laughed aloud when / heard myself
think,
Are you going to respect yourself in the
morning?
"We shouldn't do this so fast," I offered weakly
as Trevor shifted his body to place himself between
my legs.
"It won't be fast," he whispered, his lips
touching my ear. That tingled too.
Everywhere he touched me and kissed me, even
breathed on me, lit up as though my body were filled
with thousands of tiny candles and he had the power
to light them. I was glowing, illuminated as brightly
as a star or the moonli
ght that had drawn me to my
window and hypnotized me so quickly.
I heard him unwrap something and started to sit
up. "No," he said. "Don't ruin the moment." "Trevor," I uttered, my voice shaking weakly.
He was at me again.
"I really love you, Celeste," he said, and began
to enter me.
Yes, I was tight, and at the start it threatened to
be a very painful thing, but my body's willingness to
accept him overcame all that, tolerated the pain. Once
again, the moans and even the sobs I heard seemed to
be coming to me outside my body. I was sitting there,
watching it all with an almost scientific detachment. What happens next? How do I react?
Although it wasn't at the top of my concerns, I did think about the fact that I was disappointing Ami, letting her down and turning my back on all her advice and admonitions. Was I being ungrateful? This was, after all, her home. I was wearing the clothes she had bought me. She had put me in the private school where I had met Trevor, and in return, here I was, locked in the most intimate embrace with him right across the hallway from her room.
I opened my eyes and looked at Trevor. He looked like he was in his own world. No longer kissing me and whispering his love, he kept his eyes closed and had his head back as he moved his body to bring him the most possible pleasure. He uttered a short cry and then a groan as he exploded inside me and then dropped his head to my shoulder,
floundering for a moment like a fish pulled out of the water. Gradually, he wound down and became still, his breathing and mine more regular.
He opened his eyes and looked at me. The expression on my face and my having my eyes wide open and studying him brought a smile to his face.
"Hello," he said. "Fancy meeting you here." I didn't laugh. It had happened so quickly, and I was so confused and worried about every feeling that I wasn't sure it actually had occurred. Was that it? "Are you all right?" he asked.
"You'd better get dressed and go," I said. "But I just came," he replied, and laughed. He
turned over and lay there beside me. "I like this bed." He bounced on it. "It's like sleeping on a giant marshmallow."
"You've got to go, Trevor," I urged with more insistence. "Sometimes Ami stops by before she goes to bed."
"Stop calling me Trevor. My name is Romeo," he said, propping himself on his elbow.
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