“Louis?”
“Hmm?” He was busy rolling another blunt.
“You got a girlfriend?”
“Right now? No.” He licked the edge of the paper and sealed it closed. “Why?”
“Like you…”
“Huh?”
I didn’t blame him for being confused. I’d meant to relay a coherent thought, but somewhere around the beginning and the end of what I was thinking, my tongue suffered a case of laziness.
“Guys like you…” I tried again, still failing.
“They know you smoke?”
The abrupt change of subject knocked me off balance so much that I actually felt myself teeter from left to right. My feet were still planted firmly on the porch right along with my bottom, but somehow I still managed to be unstable.
“Just be careful who you do it with. Some guys’ll take advantage.”
The dazed girl in control of my body swooned. He was worried about us, protective even. She gazed into his eyes, searching for proof of his interest.
“Maybe you oughta take a break,” he said. “I probably shouldn’t have given you any. Go on inside and lie down.”
“Come with me?”
“Nah, I’m gonna sit out here for a while. The cool air helps me think.”
“Nobody gets high so they can think.”
I’d finally managed a well-thought-out statement, and in the midst of my celebration, I was inspired in an unladylike fashion. Louis didn’t even see it coming. In his state, it took him a full ten seconds to realize that it wasn’t the wind caressing his thigh.
Sneaking and spying wasn’t naturally in me, so I ended up jumping at every tiny sound my house made. Shoving the heart-covered notebook up under the covers just in case I was about to be caught with it. Some parents wouldn’t have thought twice about reading they girls’ diaries. I knew that. Nikki knew that too. That’s why she looked at me the way she did when she handed it over, like she was challenging me to be a different kinda mama than I had been.
I set my mind to proving her wrong. I could do it. Will alone got me through the first ten pages. They were all about how much Jackie had missed me and missed Mya. The pretty hopeful words of a little girl. I found myself thumbing through the pages wondering how much I could take.
“Belinda, we need to talk.” Heziah rushed into our bedroom out of breath and pushed the door closed before moving toward me on the bed. “What you hiding under there?”
“Nothing.”
With a quick shake of his head, Heziah dismissed his suspicions and went on with what he figured was more important. “We got a problem. It’s Jackie.”
“I’m getting real tired of folks telling me she’s a problem.”
“No, I didn’t mean—not like that. She’s not the problem. She has a problem. That’s what I mean. Haven’t you noticed…”
What? I hadn’t noticed anything other than she was mostly grown. It was in the way she carried herself, the way she walked from room to room or threw her head back when she laughed. My baby had the confidence of a woman.
“Belinda.” His hand reached out for mine, telling me to brace myself for the words coming my way. “I think we oughta have a talk with her. Find out where she is…as far as sex goes.”
First Nikki, then Heziah, both of them sure my baby was doing unmentionable things. “Don’t look at me like that. I love Jackie, you know I do. But—”
“Ain’t no but when you really love somebody. Ain’t no thinking bad of ‘em for any reason.”
“Belinda—”
“I don’t wanna hear nobody else bad mouthing her! She’s only thirteen. And she been through enough. She not gonna be how you think she should be ‘cause she ain’t have the life she shoulda had, but that don’t mean anything wrong with her!”
Heziah hung his head in what I thought was defeat. Wasn’t ‘til his eyes zeroed in on me that I realized he was just collecting his thoughts.
“I was locking up downstairs,” he began. “And I caught her. With Louis.”
“What’s that posed to mean? What you saying?”
I could see clear as day that he ain’t wanna say any more. He wanted to unsee what he’d seen, but instead he was having to share it with me.
“She wouldn’t do that. He’s her brother. And he’s a good ten years older than her! He should know better!”
Heziah’s eyes closed gently, and he exhaled, nodding along with what I was saying to ease the sting of his next few words. “He pushed her away.”
◼︎
Sweets are good for the soul was something I used to hear Aunt Clara say. Usually while she was mixing up some batter for her pineapple upside-down cake. She’d make it when words and water weren’t enough to heal whatever was broken. I could almost taste it, but I knew I’d never be able to recreate it. Her recipe was gone with her. So the next day, I did what I could. German chocolate cake.
“Smells good, Mama.”
“Thank you, baby.”
Nat dropped her backpack in the doorway and cozied up to me, waiting for the first opportunity to lick the spoon. She was the only one of my four to ease back in like she’d never left. She’d always been all smiles. She still was.
“How you doing, baby?”
“Good.”
“How’s school?”
“Good. My teacher’s okay and the kids are pretty cool. My class got the early lunch period today ‘cause of our field trip so I got to see the twins. Lashawnda didn’t believe that they’re my sisters but I told her not all family gotta be the same color. When I have kids they might be like me or like Mya. Right, Mama? You just never know. Can I have some?” She pointed to the mixing bowl I’d basically scraped clean.
I added the chocolate-covered mixers and the spoon, and she carried them over to the kitchen table. Once the cake was in the oven, I sat down too. Nat was alternating between licking her fingers and swiping the sides of the bowl.
“How you like being a big sister?”
“It’s good. I tell them things. And I try to keep ‘em from getting in trouble with Jackie. And Nikki too. They don’t mean any harm. They just be thinking that everything’s a game ‘cause they kids. That’s how kids are.”
“And you don’t think that, huh?”
“When I was a little kid, I did.”
I wondered how much she remembered about Ricky and what life was like before I kicked him out. It was soothing to think maybe she ain’t remember none of it. Well, except for the good parts. Me and her sisters. And Heziah. But it ain’t exactly work like that. She had to forget all of it or none of it.
“What’s wrong, Mama?”
“Nothing. I’m just thinking about your foster people. The folks that took care of you and Jackie when I was away.”
“Which ones?” Her lips made an extra loud pop as she sucked the last of the batter from her fingertips.
“The last ones. Darrel and his wife. What’s her name?”
“Catrina, but we called her Cat.”
I nodded so as not to scare her. We was just gonna have a quick little chat about these people. And what they did to my girls. “You like ‘em?”
“Sure. They was fine. They let me stay in my same school and spend the weekend with my friends. Every weekend if I wanted to.”
“Where was Jackie? She go with you?”
“She came with us once, but after that she said she was too old to be hanging out with a bunch of lil’ kids.”
“But they was good to you? Didn’t say or do nothing that made you feel funny?”
Nat shifted an inch or two in her chair then gave me a silly grin. “No. They not what you call funny people. They more serious than funny.”
“What about your sister? She get along with ‘em?”
She nodded, her gaze gradually wandering from the conversation. I couldn’t tell if she was hiding something or if she was just bored. “Mama, how long until the cake’s ready?”
“About an hour.”
“Oka
y,” she replied, making her way toward the hallway. Nat got a few feet from the doorway of the kitchen and turned back. “Want me to keep an eye on the twins? I already did my homework, so…”
“Yeah, baby, that would be good.”
Soon as Nat was out of my sight, I heard a click at the front door and then a whoosh as it closed shut. Mya’s quick purposeful stride left the floorboards creaking with each step she took. “Hey Mama,” she called halfheartedly as she headed up the stairs.
Was only a few days out the week that Mya didn’t have some sort of practice to go to. On those days, she normally came home with Jackie.
“Where’s your sister?” I called from the base of the stairs. But when she ain’t answer me, I headed up after her. I found her standing over the tiny table in the corner unpacking her backpack. “I said, where’s your sister?”
“She’s not here?”
“No. She’s not here. You didn’t see her at school?”
Mya glanced at me for all of two seconds, then went back to what she was doing.
“Mya.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, what? Yeah, you saw her at school?”
“No. Just…yeah. You called my name, so I’m saying yeah.”
My fingers found their way to my waist, wiggling and squeezing against the cotton fabric of my dress. I had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. Wherever Jackie was she was in trouble.
“So, you ain’t see her at school. Y’all left here together. I saw you.”
“Yeah.”
“What happened? She leave school early?”
“Ask her.”
“She ain’t here! That’s why I’m asking you! You supposed to keep an eye on her!”
Mya settled on her history textbook and began flipping through the pages. She ain’t need no practice at pretending like I wasn’t there.
“Mya.”
“Yeah.” She scooped up the text and her notebook and sat cross-legged on the floor of her bedroom.
“Where she go?”
“How I’m supposed to know? Jackie ain’t a baby, Mama. She go where she want.”
Getting information from Mya was like trying to get water from a rock. Maybe if I was somebody else she woulda given it up willingly, but I was just me.
“Don’t you care about your sister? Care where she is? Care what happen to her?”
“She fine.”
“How you know that if you don’t know where she is or how she got there?”
I could see the wheels turning in her head. She’d accidentally said too much and was searching for a way out of the corner she was backed into.
“Mya Ann Morrow, don’t you even think of lying to me.”
At thirteen years old, I felt certain Darrel King was a rarity in the world of men. He wore blue jeans rolled up to expose his ankles and bare feet. His black silk shirt rested calmly against his ebony colored skin. Darrel was the only professional I’d ever seen wear his hair in long braids. They fell hard and straight like wooden reeds down his back, daring all that stood before him to turn a blind eye to his will. Darrel made his own rules and expected the world to follow them.
“Miss me?” I asked, snuggled into my corner of the sofa. I wore a denim miniskirt and paired it with one of Nat’s tee shirts. My caramel legs and luscious lumps would’ve been difficult for a priest to ignore. But he sat cool as a cucumber lounging in the fridge, his arm stretched along the back of the sofa, his fingertips resting an inch from my shoulder.
“I see you’re finally out of uniform,” he said. “Public school, huh? Must make you happy.”
It did. Contrary to his opinion, I wasn’t cut out for the all-girls academy he was determined to send me to. I was a social being. He, of all people, should understand that.
“How’s Cat?”
“She’s fine. How’s Nat?”
“Good.”
Darrel’s den occupied a corner in the rear of his house. I thought of it more as a hideaway than a study or office. Vintage posters and abstract paintings covered all four walls with beanbag chairs, overstuffed pillows, and the convertible loveseat arranged in an arc in the center of the room. He and Cat traveled nonstop for years, and the room read like a catalog of their adventures. Summer in Paris. Hong Kong in the spring. A week long excursion down the Nile River. A setting perfect for playing trivia, sipping cappuccino, or cozying up next to the fire to enjoy a foreign film or two. Darrel and Cat were true social beings. Rarely did a week go by without them hosting a gathering for their cultured and posh group of friends—usually with an endless river of cocktails. Didn’t take long before I became a permanent fixture at their parties.
“I thought you said you missed me.”
“I did.” He replied slowly, his stare locked on some point directly in front of him. “I did Jackie.”
“So act like it.” I said as I changed position. I eased onto his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. “What happened to all that stuff you said you wanted to do to me?”
His hands coddled my behind as first his nose, then his lips brushed against my neck. “I meant it.”
“Good. Prove it.”
Darrel’s smiles never exposed any teeth, a perfectly formed secret he meant to hide from the world, and it vanished as my thighs straddled his waist. An expression worthy of sex replaced it. We rocked together, pushing our bodies closer until I smothered his, and he was threatening to immerse himself in mine.
“Uhh,” I shuddered against his shoulder at the first signs of penetration.
“Mmm, I missed this pussy.”
Of course, he did. I was young, not exactly naive but still young, and my body was a marvelous thing. Nobody would’ve argued the contrary—man or woman.
“Good girl, good pussy,” he growled softly in my ear. “It’s mine? Still mine?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
A mist of sweat covered his forehead, and his touch went from practiced to desperate. Always a good sign.
Normally, we didn’t need to be naked to enjoy each other. Living in such close proximity to his wife and my sister trained us to take what we could even in the briefest moments of privacy. But after being apart for months, Darrel wasn’t satisfied with that. He wanted me naked.
“Mmm,” he grunted at the sight of my bare breasts and tossed my shirt and bra to the floor. “I hate it when you wear that.”
I nodded, remembering his distaste for underwear. They merely got in his way.
“I’m home!” A feminine voice called out as the front door closed shut. She must’ve seen his car in the driveway because Cat continued having a conversation with her invisible husband even though he never responded to her.
I expected him to withdraw, but the wild man who lived behind his eyes was no longer threatening to come out—he was taking over. He pushed me to the carpet and, in seconds, had dropped his jeans. Now naked from the waist down, he began fucking me like a mad dog in heat.
“Oh, God…yes!” I couldn’t help myself.
The door to the den eased open, and the carpet padded her footsteps as they grew closer with each passing second. Darrel’s grip seized on to the dark fibers, and my nails cut into the silk on his back. When her footsteps came to a stop, I could feel the explosion building inside me and from his expression, Darrel felt it too.
“Hey, babe, l-look who came to visit me.” His chin, square and proud, jerked forward as every muscle above his waist tightened. I gasped feeling the full weight of his being, and he let loose a barrage of swear words as his body went limp.
The room began its topsy-turvy dance, and I delighted in the fact that I couldn’t control it. The shadow across the carpet stretched then receded into the darkness, returning a moment later.
“Here, Jackie, let me help you.” Cat knelt at my side holding something cold and wet on my thigh. A pink towel which must’ve seen better days. With calm short strokes, she tended to the evidence between my legs before giving his body the same attention.
Darrel panted silently as he leaned back against the edge of the sofa. Now clean, he pulled his jeans back up to the appropriate height, and the wild man receded to living just behind his eyes.
I took my time raising myself to a standing position, but once I was upright, Cat motioned for me to raise my arms. Her knuckles caressed my skin as she pulled Nat’s tee shirt into place. Slowly. Carefully. With a deep appreciation for my supple curves. The cotton stretched over my body, squeezing my breasts in an unladylike manner.
“Now that’s what I like,” Darrel rose to his full height of six three and pulled me close for a kiss. It was like I never left.
I still held out hope I’d awake to find this to be a sick twisted dream. The sun would shine brightly through my window, and my girls would be exactly as I’d left ‘em. Wasn’t they fault time ain’t stop when I was locked up in that hospital. Couldn’t blame ‘em for growing up, but I did. Was natural for kids to grow up, but my girls—Jackie, in particular—didn’t grow so much up as she grew in some twisty-turvy direction more or less toward the sky. So, I stood on the corner of Sixteenth and Broadway in my brown trench coat, arms folded tightly, cursing the dark cave I’d been hibernating in. If what Nikki’d been saying was the truth, then I was a new kinda fool since I overlooked what was right in front of my face. So, I stood on the corner willing a rational explanation to come to mind. Had to be another way to explain what everybody was saying. She was just a chile. What did she know about the world? About men? About…
After five minutes passed I crossed the street and knocked on the door. Took a while before anybody came to open it. Long enough for me to entertain the possibility Jackie currently occupied another corner of the city, surrounded by kids her own age, doing childish things.
“Can I help you?” asked a Chinese woman about my age. She ain’t wear a drop of makeup and stood on the other side of the screen door clutching her bathrobe in all the right places.
“Are you Cat?”
“Yes.” She stood a little straighter, more curious now than cautious.
Blue Sky Page 5
