by W. W. Jacobs
A SAFETY MATCH
Mr. Boom, late of the mercantile marine, had the last word, but only bythe cowardly expedient of getting out of earshot of his daughterfirst, and then hurling it at her with a voice trained to compete withhurricanes. Miss Boom avoided a complete defeat by leaning forwardwith her head on one side in the attitude of an eager but unsuccessfullistener, a pose which she abandoned for one of innocent joy when hersire, having been deluded into twice repeating his remarks, was fain torelieve his overstrained muscles by a fit of violent coughing.
"I b'lieve she heard it all along," said Mr. Boom sourly, as hecontinued his way down the winding lane to the little harbour below."The only way to live at peace with wimmen is to always be at sea; thenthey make a fuss of you when you come home--if you don't stay too long,that is."
He reached the quay, with its few tiny cottages and brown nets spreadabout to dry in the sun, and walking up and down, grumbling, regardedwith a jaundiced eye a few small smacks, which lay in the harbour, andtwo or three crusted amphibians lounging aimlessly about.
"Mornin', Mr. Boom," said a stalwart youth in sea-boots, appearingsuddenly over the edge of the quay from his boat.
"Mornin', Dick," said Mr. Boom affably; "just goin' off?"
"'Bout an hour's time," said the other; "Miss Boom well, sir?"
"She's a' right," said Mr. Boom; "me an' her 've just had a few words.She picked up something off the floor what she said was a cake o' mudoff my heel. Said she wouldn't have it," continued Mr. Boom, his voicerising. "My own floor too. Swep' it up off the floor with a dustpan andbrush, and held it in front of me to look at."
Dick Tarrell gave a grunt which might mean anything--Mr. Boom took itfor sympathy.
"I called her old maid," he said with gusto; "'you're a fidgety oldmaid,' I said. You should ha' seen her look. Do you know what I think,Dick?"
"Not exactly," said Tarrell cautiously.
"I b'leeve she's that savage that she'd take the first man that askedher," said the other triumphantly; "she's sitting up there at the doorof the cottage, all by herself."
Tarrell sighed.
"With not a soul to speak to," said Mr. Boom pointedly.
The other kicked at a small crab which was passing, and returned it toits native element in sections.
"I'll walk up there with you if you're going that way," he said atlength.
"No, I'm just having a look round," said Mr. Boom, "but there's nothingto hinder you going, Dick, if you've a mind to."
"There's no little thing you want, as I'm going there, I s'pose?"suggested Tarrell. "It's awkward when you go there and say, 'Goodmorning,' and the girl says, 'Good morning,' and then you don't say anymore and she don't say any more. If there was anything you wanted that Icould help her look for, it 'ud make talk easier."
"Well--go for my baccy pouch," said Mr. Boom, after a minute's thought,"it'll take you a long time to find that."
"Why?" inquired the other.
"'Cos I've got it here," said the unscrupulous Mr. Boom, producing it,and placidly filling his pipe. "You might spend--ah--the best part of anhour looking for that."
He turned away with a nod, and Tarrell, after looking about him in ahesitating fashion to make sure that his movements were not attractingthe attention his conscience told him they deserved, set off in thehang-dog fashion peculiar to nervous lovers up the road to the cottage.Kate Boom was sitting at the door as her father had described, and, inapparent unconsciousness of his approach, did not raise her eyes fromher book.
"Good morning," said Tarrell, in a husky voice.
Miss Boom returned the salutation, and, marking the place in her bookwith her forefinger, looked over the hedge on the other side of the roadto the sea beyond.
"Your father has left his pouch behind, and being as I was coming thisway, asked me to call for it," faltered the young man.
Miss Boom turned her head, and, regarding him steadily, noted the risingcolour and the shuffling feet.
"Did he say where he had left it?" she inquired.
"No," said the other.
"Well, my time's too valuable to waste looking for pouches," said Kate,bending down to her book again, "but if you like to go in and look forit, you may!"
She moved aside to let him pass, and sat listening with a slight smileas she heard him moving about the room.
"I can't find it," he said, after a pretended search.
"Better try the kitchen now then," said Miss Boom, without looking up,"and then the scullery. It might be in the woodshed or even down thegarden. You haven't half looked."
She heard the kitchen door close behind him, and then, taking her bookwith her, went upstairs to her room. The conscientious Tarrell, havingduly searched all the above-mentioned places, returned to the parlourand waited. He waited a quarter of an hour, and then going out by thefront door stood irresolute.
"I can't find it," he said at length, addressing himself to the bedroomwindow.
"No. I was coming down to tell you," said Miss Boom, glancing sedatelyat him from over the geraniums. "I remember seeing father take it outwith him this morning."
Tarrell affected a clumsy surprise. "It doesn't matter," he said. "Hownice your geraniums are."
"Yes, they're all right," said Miss Boom briefly.
"I can't think how you keep 'em so nice," said Tarrell.
"Well, don't try," said Miss Boom kindly. "You'd better go back and tellfather about the pouch. Perhaps he's waiting for a smoke all this time."
"There's no hurry," said the young man; "perhaps he's found it."
"Well, I can't stop to talk," said the girl; "I'm busy reading."
With these heartless words, she withdrew into the room, and thediscomfited swain, only too conscious of the sorry figure he cut,went slowly back to the harbour, to be met by Mr. Boom with a wink ofaggravating and portentous dimensions.
"You've took a long time," he said slyly, "There's nothing like a littlescheming in these things."
"It didn't lead to much," said the discomfited Tarrell.
"Don't be in a hurry, my lad," said the elder man, after listening tohis experiences. "I've been thinking over this little affair for sometime now, an' I think I've got a plan."
"If it's anything about baccy pouches----" began the young manungratefully.
"It ain't," interrupted Mr. Boom, "it's quite diff'rent. Now, you'dbest get aboard your craft and do your duty. There's more young men wongirls' 'arts while doing of their duty than--than--if they warn't doingtheir duty. Do you understand me?"
It is inadvisable to quarrel with a prospective father-in-law, so thatTarrell said he did, and with a moody nod tumbled into his boat andput off to the smack. Mr. Boom having walked up and down a bit, andexchanged a few greetings, bent his steps in the direction of the "JollySailor," and, ordering two mugs of ale, set them down on a small benchopposite his old friend Raggett.
"I see young Tarrell go off grumpy-like," said Raggett, drawing a mugtowards him and gazing at the fast-receding boats.
"Aye, we'll have to do what we talked about," said Boom slowly. "It'sopposition what that gal wants. She simply sits and mopes for the wantof somebody to contradict her."
"Well, why don't you do it?" said Raggett, "That ain't much for a fatherto do surely."
"I hev," said the other slowly, "more than once. O' course, whenI insist upon a thing, it's done; but a woman's a delikit creetur,Raggett, and the last row we had she got that ill that she couldn't getup to get my breakfast ready, no, nor my dinner either. It made us bothill, that did."
"Are you going to tell Tarrell?" inquired Raggett.
"No," said his friend. "Like as not he'd tell her just to curry favourwith her. I'm going to tell him he's not to come to the house no more.That'll make her want him to come, if anything will. Now there's no usewasting time. You begin to-day."
"I don't know what to say," murmured Rag-gett, nodding to him as heraised the beer to his lips.
"Just go now and call in--you might take her a nose
gay."
"I won't do nothing so darned silly," said Raggett shortly.
"We'll, go without 'em," said Boom impatiently; "just go and getyourselves talked about, that's all--have everybody making game of bothof you. Talking about a good-looking young girl being sweethearted by anold chap with one foot in the grave and a face like a dried herring.That's what I want."
Mr. Raggett, who was just about to drink, put his mug down again andregarded his friend fixedly.
"Might I ask who you're alloodin' too?" he inquired somewhat shortly.
Mr. Boom, brought up in mid-career, shuffled a little and laugheduneasily. "Them ain't my words, old chap," he said; "it was the way shewas speaking of you the other day."
"Well, I won't have nothin' to do with it," said Raggett rising.
"Well, nobody needn't know anything about it," said Boom, pulling himdown to his seat again. "She won't tell, I'm sure--she wouldn't like thedisgrace of it."
"Look here," said Raggett getting up again.
"I mean from her point of view," said Mr. Boom querulously; "you're very'asty, Raggett."
"Well, I don't care about it," said Raggett slowly; "it seemed allright when we was talking about it; but s'pose I have all my trouble fornothing, and she don't take Dick after all? What then?"
"Well, then there's no harm done," said his friend, "and it'll be a bito' sport for both of us. You go up and start, an' I'll have another pintof beer and a clean pipe waiting for you against you come back."
Sorely against his better sense Mr. Raggett rose and went off,grumbling. It was fatiguing work on a hot day, climbing the road up thecliff, but he took it quietly, and having gained the top, moved slowlytowards the cottage.
"Morning, Mr. Raggett," said Kate cheerily, as he entered the cottage."Dear, dear, the idea of an old man like you climbing about! It'swonderful."
"I'm sixty-seven," said Mr. Raggett viciously, "and I feel as young asever I did."
"To be sure," said Kate soothingly; "and look as young as ever you did.Come in and sit down a bit."
Mr. Raggett with some trepidation complied, and sitting in a veryupright position, wondered how he should begin. "I am just sixty-seven,"he said slowly. "I'm not old and I'm not young, but I'm just old enoughto begin to want somebody to look after me a bit."
"I shouldn't while I could get about if I were you," said the innocentKate. "Why not wait until you're bed-ridden?"
"I don't mean that at all," said Mr. Raggett snappishly. "I mean I'mthinking of getting married."
"Good--gracious!" said Kate open-mouthed.
"I may have one foot in the grave, and resemble a dried herring in theface," pursued Mr. Raggett with bitter sarcasm, "but----"
"You can't help that," said Kate gently.
"But I'm going to get married," said Raggett savagely.
"Well, don't get in a way about it," said the girl. "Of course, if youwant to, and--and--you can find somebody else who wants to, there's noreason why you shouldn't! Have you told father about it?"
"I have," said Mr. Raggett, "and he has given his consent."
He put such meaning into this remark and so much more in the contortionof visage which accompanied it, that the girl stood regarding him inblank astonishment.
"His consent?" she said in a strange voice.
Mr. Raggett nodded.
"I went to him first," he said, trying to speak confidently. "Now I'vecome to you--I want you to marry me!"
"Don't you be a silly old man, Mr. Raggett," said Kate, recovering hercomposure. "And as for my father, you go back and tell him I want to seehim."
She drew aside and pointed to the door, and Mr. Raggett, thinking thathe had done quite enough for one day, passed out and retraced his stepsto the "Jolly Sailor." Mr. Boom met him half-way, and having receivedhis message, spent the rest of the morning In fortifying himself for thereception which awaited him.
It would be difficult to say which of the two young people was the moreastonished at this sudden change of affairs. Miss Boom, affecting tothink that her parent's reason was affected treated him accordingly,a state of affairs not without its drawbacks, as Mr. Boom found out.Tarrell, on the other hand, attributed it to greed, and being forbiddenthe house, spent all his time ashore on a stile nearly opposite, andsullenly watched events.
For three weeks Mr. Raggett called daily, and after staying to tea,usually wound up the evening by formally proposing for Kate's hand. Bothconspirators were surprised and disappointed at the quietness with whichMiss Boom received these attacks; Mr. Raggett meeting with a politenesswhich was a source of much wonder to both of them.
His courting came to an end suddenly. He paused one evening with hishand on the door, and having proposed in the usual manner was going out,when Miss Boom called him back.
"Sit down, Mr. Raggett," she said calmly. Mr. Raggett, wonderinginwardly, resumed his seat.
"You have asked me a good many times to marry you," said Kate.
"I have," said Mr. Raggett, nodding.
"And I'm sure it's very kind of you," continued the girl, "and if I'vehurt your feelings by refusing you, it is only because I have thoughtperhaps I was not good enough for you."
In the silence which followed this unexpected and undeserved tributeto Mr. Raggett's worth, the two old men eyed each other in silentconsternation.
"Still, if you've made up your mind," continued the girl, "I don't knowthat it's for me to object. You're not much to look at, but you'vegot the loveliest chest of drawers and the best furniture all round inMastleigh. And I suppose you've got a little money?"
Mr. Raggett shook his head, and in a broken voice was understood to say:"A very little."
"I don't want any fuss or anything of that kind," said Miss Boom calmly."No bridesmaids or anything of that sort; it wouldn't be suitable atyour age."
Mr. Raggett withdrew his pipe, and holding it an inch or two from hismouth, listened like one in a dream.
"Just a few old friends, and a bit of cake," continued Miss Boommusingly. "And instead of spending a lot of money in foolish waste, wellhave three weeks in London."
Mr. Raggett made a gurgling noise in his throat, and suddenlyremembering himself, pretended to think that it was something wrong withhis pipe, and removing it blew noisily through the mouthpiece.
"Perhaps," he said, in a trembling voice--"perhaps you'd better take alittle longer to consider, my dear."
Kate shook her head. "I've quite made up my mind," she said, "quite.And now I want to marry you just as much as you want to marry me.Good-night, Father; good-night--George."
Mr. Raggett started violently, and collapsed in his chair.
"Raggett," said Mr. Boom huskily.
"Don't talk to me," said the other, "I can't bear it."
Mr. Boom, respecting his friend's trouble, relapsed into silence again,and for a long time not a word was spoken.
"My 'ed's in a whirl," said Mr. Raggett at length.
"It 'ud be a wonder if it wasn't," said Mr. Boom sympathetically.
"To think," continued the other miserably, "how I've been let in forthis. The plots an' the plans and the artfulness what's been goin' onround me, an' I've never seen it."
"What d'ye mean?" demanded Mr. Boom, with sudden violence.
"I know what I mean," said Mr. Raggett darkly.
"P'r'aps you'll tell me, then," said the other.
"Who thought of it first?" demanded Mr. Raggett ferociously. "Who cameto me and asked me to court his slip of a girl?"
"Don't you be a' old fool," said Mr. Boom heatedly. "It's done now, andwhat's done can't be undone. I never thought to have a son-in-law sevenor eight years older than what I am, and what's more, I don't want it."
"Said I wasn't much to look at, but she liked my chest o' drawers,"repeated Raggett mechanically.
"Don't ask me where she gets her natur' from, cos I couldn't tell you,"said the unhappy parent; "she don't get it from me."
Mr. Raggett allowed this reflection upon the late Mrs. Boom to passunn
oticed, and taking his hat from the table, fixed it firmly upon hishead, and gazing with scornful indignation upon his host, stepped slowlyout of the door without going through the formality of bidding himgood-night.
"George," said a voice from above him.
Mr. Raggett started, and glanced up at somebody leaning from the window.
"Come in to tea to-morrow early," said the voice pressingly;"good-night, dear."
Mr. Raggett turned and fled into the night, dimly conscious that a darkfigure had detached itself from the stile opposite, and was walkingbeside him.
"That you, Dick?" he inquired nervously, after an oppressive silence.
"That's me," said Dick. "I heard her call you 'dear.'" Mr. Raggett, hisface suffused with blushes, hung his head.
"Called you 'dear,'" repeated Dick; "I heard her say it. I'm going topitch you into the harbour. I'll learn you to go courting a young girl.What are you stopping for?"
Mr. Raggett delicately intimated that he was stopping because hepreferred, all things considered, to be alone. Finding the young man,however, bent upon accompanying him, he divulged the plot of which hehad been the victim, and bitterly lamented his share in it.
"You don't want to marry her, then," said the astonished Dick.
"Course I don't," snarled Mr. Raggett; "I can't afford it. I'm too old;besides which, she'll turn my little place topsy-turvy. Look here, Dick,I done this all for you. Now, it's evident she only wants my furniture:if I give all the best of it to you, she'll take you instead."
"No, she won't," said Dick grimly; "I wouldn't have her now not if sheasked me on her bended knee."
"Why not?" said Raggett.
"I don't want to marry that sort o' girl," said the other scornfully;"it's cured me."
"What about me, then?" said the unfortunate Raggett.
"Well, so far as I can see, it serves you right for mixing in otherpeople's business," said Dick shortly. "Well, good-night, and good luckto you."
To Mr. Raggett's sore disappointment, he kept to his resolution, andbeing approached by Mr. Boom on his elderly friend's behalf, was rudelyfrank to him.
"I'm a free man again," he said blithely, "and I feel better than I'vefelt for ever so long. More manly."
"You ought to think of other people," said Mr. Boom severely; "think ofpoor old Raggett."
"Well, he's got a young wife out of it," said Dick. "I dare say he'll behappy enough. He wants somebody to help him spend his money."
In this happy frame of mind he resumed his ordinary life, and when heencountered his former idol, met her with a heartiness and unconcernwhich the lady regarded with secret disapproval. He was now so sure ofhimself that, despite a suspicion of ulterior design on the part of MissBoom, he even accepted an invitation to tea.
The presence of Mr. Raggett made it a slow and solemn function. Nobodywith any feelings could eat with any appetite with that afflicted man atthe table, and the meal passed almost in silence. Kate cleared the mealaway, and the men sat at the open door with their pipes while she washedup in the kitchen.
"Me an' Raggett thought o' stepping down to the 'Sailor's'" said Mr.Boom, after a third application of his friend's elbow.
"I'll come with you," said Dick.
"Well, we've got a little business to talk about," said Boomconfidentially; "but we shan't be long. If you wait here, Dick, we'llsee you when we come back."
"All right," said Tarrell.
He watched the two old men down the road, and then, moving his chairback into the room, silently regarded the busy Kate.
"Make yourself useful," said she brightly; "shake the tablecloth."
Tarrell took it to the door, and having shaken it, folded it with muchgravity, and handed it back.
"Not so bad for a beginner," said Kate, taking it and putting it in adrawer. She took some needlework from another drawer, and, sitting down,began busily stitching.
"Wedding-dress?" inquired Tarrell, with an assumption of great ease.
"No, tablecloth!" said the girl, with a laugh. "You'll want to know alittle more before you get married."
"Plenty o' time for me," said Tarrell; "I'm in no hurry."
The girl put her work down and looked up at him.
"That's right," she said steadily. "I suppose you were rather surprisedto hear I was going to get married?"
"A little." said Tarrell; "there's been so many after old Raggett, Ididn't think he'd ever be caught."
"Oh!" said Kate.
"I daresay he'll make a very good husband," said Tarrell patronisingly."I think you'll make a nice couple. He's got a nice home."
"That's why I'm going to marry him," said Kate. "Do you think it's wrongto marry a man for that?"
"That's your business," said Tarrell coldly; "speaking for myself, andnot wishing to hurt your feelings, _I_ shouldn't like to marry a girllike that."
"You mean you wouldn't like to marry me?" said Kate softly.
She leaned forward as she spoke, until her breath fanned his face.
"That's what I do mean," said Tarrell, with a suspicion of doggedness inhis voice.
"Not even if I asked you on my bended knees?" said Kate. "Aren't youglad you're cured?"
"Yes," said Tarrell manfully.
"So am I," said the girl; "and now that you are happy, just go down tothe 'Jolly Sailor's,' and make poor old Raggett happy too."
"How?" ask Tarrell.
"Tell him that I have only been having a joke with him," said Kate,surveying him with a steady smile. "Tell him that I overheard himand father talking one night, and that I resolved to give them both alesson. And tell them that I didn't think anybody could have been sostupid as they have been to believe in it."
She leaned back in her chair, and, regarding the dumfounded Tarrell witha smile of wicked triumph, waited for him to speak, "Raggett, indeed!"she said disdainfully.
"I suppose," said Tarrell at length, speaking very slowly, "my beingstupid was no surprise to you?"
"Not a bit," said the girl cheerfully.
"I'll ask you to tell Raggett yourself," said Tarrell, rising and movingtowards the door. "I sha'n't see him. Good-night."
"Good-night," said she. "Where are you going, then?"
There was no reply.
"Where are you going?" she repeated. Then a suspicion of his purposeflashed across her. "You're not foolish enough to be going away?" shecried in dismay.
"Why not?" said Tarrell slowly.
"Because," said Kate, looking down--"oh, because--well, it'sridiculous. I'd sooner have you stay here and feel what a stupid you'vebeen making of yourself. I want to remind you of it sometimes."
"I don't want reminding," said Tarrell, taking Raggett's chair; "I knowit now."
