by W. W. Jacobs
A DISCIPLINARIAN
"There's no doubt about it," said the night watchman, "but whatdissipline's a very good thing, but it don't always act well. Forinstance, I ain't allowed to smoke on this wharf, so when I want a pipeI either 'ave to go over to the 'Queen's 'ed,' or sit in a lighter. IfI'm in the 'Queen's 'ed,' I can look arter the wharf, an' once whenI was sitting in a lighter smoking, the chap come aboard an' cast offafore I knew what he was doing, and took me all the way to Greenwich. Hesaid he'd often played that trick on watchmen.
"The worst man for dissipline I ever shipped with was Cap'n Tasker, ofthe _Lapwing_. He'd got it on the brain bad. He was a prim, clean-shavedman except for a little side whisker, an' always used to try an' look asmuch like a naval officer as possible.
"I never 'ad no sort of idea what he was like when I jined the ship,an' he was quite quiet and peaceable until we was out on the open water.Then the cloven hoof showed itself, an' he kicked one o' the men forcoming on deck with a dirty face, an' though the man told him he neverdid wash becos his skin was so delikit, he sent the bos'en to turn thehose on him.
"The bos'en seemed to take a hand in everything. We used to doeverything by his whistle, it was never out of his mouth scarcely, andI've known that man to dream of it o' nights, and sit up in his sleepan' try an' blow his thumb. He whistled us to swab decks, whistled us togrub, whistled us to every blessed thing.
"Though we didn't belong to any reg'ler line, we'd got a lot o'passengers aboard, going to the Cape, an' they thought a deal o' theskipper. There was one young leftenant aboard who said he reminded himo' Nelson, an' him an' the skipper was as thick as two thieves. Nicelarky young chap he was, an' more than one o' the crew tried to dropthings on him from aloft when he wasn't looking.
"Every morning at ten we was inspected by the skipper, but that wasn'tenough for the leftenant, and he persuaded the old man to drill us. Hesaid it would do us good an' amuse the passengers, an' we 'ad to do allsorts o' silly things with our arms an' legs, an' twice he walked theskipper to the other end of the ship, leaving twenty-three sailormenbending over touching their toes, an' wondering whether they'd everstand straight again.
"The very worst thing o' the lot was the boat-drill. A chap might besitting comfortably at his grub, or having a pipe in his bunk, when thebos'en's whistle would scream out to him that the ship was sinking, an'the passengers drownding, and he was to come an' git the boats out an'save 'em. Nice sort o' game it was, too. We had to run like mad withkegs o' water an' bags o' biscuit, an' then run the boats out an' launch'em. All the men were told off to certain boats, an' the passengers too.The only difference was, if a passenger didn't care about taking a handin the game, he didn't, but we had to.
"One o' the passengers who didn't play was Major Miggens. He was verymuch agin it, an' called it tomfoolery; he never would go to his boat,but used to sit and sneer all the time.
"'It's only teaching the men to cut an' run,' he said to the skipper oneday; 'if there ever was any need they'd run to the boats an' leave ushere. 'Don't tell me.'
"'That's not the way I should ha' expected to hear you speak of Britishsailors, major,' ses the skipper rather huffy.
"'British _swearers?_ ses the major, sniffing. 'You don't hear theirremarks when that whistle is blown. It's enough to bring a judgment onthe ship.'
"'If you can point 'em out to me I'll punish em,' says the skipper verywarmly.
"'I'm not going to point 'em out,' ses the major. 'I symperthise with'em too much. They don't get any of their beauty sleep, pore chaps, an'they want it, every one of 'em.'
"I thought that was a very kind remark o' the major to make, but o'course some of the wimmin larfed. I s'pose they think men don't wantbeauty sleep, as it's called.
"I heard the leftenant sympathising with the skipper arter that. He saidthe major was simply jealous because the men drilled so beautifully, an'then they walked aft, the leftenant talking very earnest an' the skippershaking his head at something he was saying.
"It was just two nights arter this. I'd gone below an' turned in when Ibegan to dream that the major had borrowed the bosen's whistle an' waspractising on it. I remember thinking in my sleep what a comfort it wasit was only the major, when one of the chaps give me a dig in the backan' woke me.
"'Tumble up,' ses he, 'the ship's a-fire.'
"I rushed up on deck, an' there was no mistake about who was blowing thewhistle. The bell was jangling horrible, smoke was rolling up from thehatches, an' some of the men was dragging out the hose an' tripping upthe passengers with it as they came running up on deck. The noise andconfusion was fearful.
"'Out with the boats,' ses Tom Hall to me, 'don't you hear the whistle?'
"'What, ain't we going to try an' put the fire out?' I ses.
"'Obey orders,' ses Tom, 'that's what we've got to do, an' the soonerwe're away the better. You know what's in her.'
"We ran to the boats then, an', I must say, we got 'em out well, and thevery fust person to git into mine was the major in his piejammers; arterall the others was in we 'ad 'im out agin. He didn't belong to our boat,an' dissipline is dissipline any day.
"Afore we could git clear o' the ship, however, he came yelling to theside an' said _his_ boat had gone, an' though we prodded him with ouroars he lowered himself over the side and dropped in.
"Fortunately for us it was a lovely clear night; there was no moon, butthe stars were very bright. The engines had stopped, an' the old shipsat on the water scarcely moving. Another boat was bumping up againstours, and two more came creeping round the bows from the port side an'jined us.
"'Who's in command?' calls out the major.
"'I am,' ses the first mate very sharp-like from one of the boats.
"'Where's the cap'n then?' called out an old lady from my boat o' thename o' Prendergast.
"'He's standing by the ship,' ses the mate.
"'_Doing what?_', ses Mrs. Prendergast, looking at the water as thoughshe expected to see the skipper standing there.
"'He's going down with the ship,' ses one o' the chaps.
"Then Mrs. Prendergast asked somebody to be kind enough to lend hera handkerchief, becos she had left her pocket behind aboard ship, andbegan to sob very bitter.
"'Just a simple British sailor,' ses she, snivelling, 'going down withhis ship. There he is. Look! On the bridge.'
"We all looked, an' then some o' the other wimmin wanted to borrerhandkerchiefs. I lent one of 'em a little cotton waste, but she wasso unpleasant about its being a trifle oily that she forgot all aboutcrying, and said she'd tell the mate about me as soon as ever we gotashore.
"'I'll remember him in my prayers,' ses one o' the wimmin who was cryingcomfortable in a big red bandana belonging to one o' the men.
"'All England shall ring with his deed,' ses another.
"'Sympathy's cheap,' ses one of the men passengers solemnly. 'If we everreach land we must all band together to keep his widow an' orphans.'
"'Hear, hear,' cries everybody.
"'And we'll put up a granite tombstone to his memory,' ses Mrs.Prendergast.
"'S'pose we pull back to the ship an' take him off,' ses a gentlemanfrom another boat. 'I'm thinking it 'ud come cheaper, an' perhaps thepuir mon would really like it better himself.'
"'Shame,' ses most of 'em; an' I reely b'leeve they'd worked theirselvesup to that pitch they'd ha' felt disappointed if the skipper had beensaved.
"We pulled along slowly, the mate's boat leading, looking back every nowand then at the old ship, and wondering when she would go off, for she'dgot that sort of stuff in her hold which 'ud send her up with a bang assoon as the fire got to it; an' we was all waiting for the shock.
"'Do you know where we're going, Mr. Bunce,' calls out the major.
"'Yes,' ses the mate.
"'What's the nearest land?' asks the major.
"'Bout a thousand miles,' ses the mate.
"Then the major went into figures, an' worked out that it 'ud take usabout ten days to reach land and
three to reach the bottom o' the waterkegs. He shouted that out to the mate; an' the young leftenant what wasin the mate's boat smoking a big cigar said there'd be quite a run ongranite tombstones. He said it was a blessed thing he had disinheritedhis children for marrying agin his wishes, so there wouldn't be anyorphans left to mourn for him.
"Some o' the wimmin smiled a little at this, an' old Mrs. Prendergastshook so that she made the boat rock. We got quite cheerful somehow,and one of the other men spoke up and said that owing to his only havingreckoned two pints to the gallon, the major's fingers wasn't to berelied, upon.
"We got more cheerful then, and we was beginning to look on it as just apicnic, when I'm blest if the mate's boat didn't put about and head forthe ship agin.
"There was a commotion then if you like, everybody talking andlaughing at once; and Mrs. Prendergast said that such a thing as onesingle-handed cap'n staying behind to go down with his ship, and thenputting the fire out all by himself after his men had fled, had neverbeen heard of before, an' she said it never would be again. She said hemust be terribly burnt, and he'd have to be put to bed and wrapped up inoily rags.
"It didn't take us long to get aboard again, and the ladies fairlymobbed the skipper. Tom Hall swore as 'ow Mrs. Prendergast tried to kisshim, an' the fuss they made of him was ridiculous. I heard the clang ofthe telegraph in the engine-room soon as the boats was hoisted up, theengines started, and off we went again.
"'Speech,' yells out somebody. 'Speech.' "'Bravo!' ses the others.'Bravo!' "Then the skipper stood up an' made 'em a nice little speech.First of all he thanked 'em for their partiality and kindness shewn tohim, and the orderly way in which they had left the ship. He said itreflected credit on all concerned, crew and passengers, an' no doubtthey 'd be surprised when he told them that there hadn't been any fireat all, but that it was just a test to make sure that the boat drill wasproperly understood.
"He was quite right about them being surprised, Noisy, too, they was,an' the things they said about the man they'd just been wanting to givegranite tombstones to was simply astonishing. It would have taken awhole cemetery o' tombstones to put down all they said about him, andthen they'd ha' had to cut the letters small.
"'I vote we have an indignation meeting in the saloon to record ourdisgust at the cap'n's behaviour,' ses the major fiercely. 'I beg topropose that Mr. Macpherson take the chair.'
"'I second that,' ses another, fierce-like.
"'I beg to propose the major instead,' ses somebody else in a heavyoff-hand sort o' way; 'Mr. Macpherson's boat not having come back yet.'
"At first everybody thought he was joking, but when they found he wasreally speaking the truth the excitement was awful. Fortunately as Mrs.Prendergast remarked, there was no ladies in the boat, but there wasseveral men passengers. We were doing a good thirteen knots an hour, butwe brought up at once, an' then we 'ad the most lovely firework displayI ever see aboard ship in my life. Blue lights and rockets and gunsgoing all night, while we cruised slowly about, and the passengers saton deck arguing as to whether the skipper would be hung or imprisonedfor life.
"It was daybreak afore we sighted them, just a little speck near theskyline, an' we bore down on them for all we was worth. Half an hourlater they was alongside, an' of all the chilly, miserable-looking men Iever see they was the worst.
"They had to be helped up the side a'most, and they was so grateful itwas quite affecting, until the true state o' things was explained tothem. It seemed to change 'em wonderful, an' after Mr. Macpherson hadhad three cups o' hot coffee an' four glasses o' brandy he took thechair at the indignation meeting, an' went straight off to sleep init. They woke him up three times, but he was so cross about it that theladies had to go away an' the meeting was adjourned.
"I don't think it ever came to much after all, nobody being really hurt,an' the skipper being so much upset they felt sort o' sorry for 'im.
"The rest of the passage was very quiet an' comfortable, but o' courseit all came out at the other end, an' the mate brought the ship home.Some o' the chaps said the skipper was a bit wrong in the 'ed, and,while I'm not gainsaying that, it's my firm opinion that he waspersuaded to do what he did by that young leftenant. As I said afore, hewas a larky young chap, an' very fond of a joke if he didn't have to payfor it."
