‘Sis, we can’t keep doing this forever. I can’t keep watching Miriam die over and over again. It’s horrible enough knowing that the original Miriam is gone, and there’s nothing I can do to bring her back. I don’t want to live this nonlife. I’m not really living when I don’t remember, and when I do remember I realize that this is basically hell.’
I hesitated when I realized her glowing emerald eyes were filling with tears.
‘I’m sorry, sis. Thank you for trying to save me.’ I paused. ‘But you need to let me go.’
She shook her head, the tears brimming over as she closed her eyes. ‘I can’t lose you again. I can’t.’
I quickly moved closer and wrapped her in my arms, prompting her to look at me in anguish, her chin tilting high to meet my gaze.
‘Michael, I can’t lose you again. Even if no one else has a future, at least you’re alive. At least we can still see each other.’
‘But is that really okay? To damn the rest of the world just for the two of us?’
She grimaced, knowing I was right.
‘Look,’ I continued. ‘I don’t want to die. Of course I don’t want to die. But if me dying lets the world have a future again, then that’s what needs to happen.’
‘The world doesn’t have a future either way,’ she contradicted. ‘If I can’t at least save you, then I can’t save anyone.’
‘The demons still have a future though,’ I retorted, suddenly thinking of Jericho. Obviously, I wasn’t certain of that fact, and I knew they’d all turn out like Ruth eventually without access to human blood, but that still gave them an extra couple thousand years at least. Maybe longer. ‘And who knows? Maybe once I stop existing, the world will be on a new course after all?’
Amelia shook her head, but didn’t respond, resting her forehead against my chest. ‘You’re all I have left, brother. I love you so much. I can’t lose you. You were my anchor when I was younger, and losing you was the worst thing to happen to me. It was worse than losing Riley. It was worse than losing mom and dad. I can’t lose you again.’
She paused her thoughts as she took a deep breath – I was a little surprised she could take a breath, whereas I couldn’t, causing me to assume she was just doing the habitual gesture since she still only spoke telepathically.
‘Michael, I’ve lost everyone. I’m all alone now.’
I tightened my embrace around her, wishing we could solve this problem. But I’d already done everything within my capacity. So instead, we were both silent, just holding each other, until my thoughts returned to the guy I’d recently spoken with.
I pulled away slightly to look her in the eyes. ‘What about Noah and Madison? They’re still alive. So you aren’t completely alone.’
Instantly, her expression became annoyed. ‘What,’ she said sarcastically. ‘A comatose girl and a guy who’s obsessed with her? They aren’t exactly great company. Noah would probably kill himself if he could, as atonement for his sins, but he wouldn’t with her still alive. And he can’t anyway. They’re both essentially immortal now…like me.’
My eyes widened in shock. ‘You’re immortal?’
Her expression pained. ‘Brother, I’m much older than I look. You have no idea how much I’ve suffered. And you have no idea what it’s like facing eternity alone. Michael, I don’t want to be alone. Please don’t let me be alone. Please don’t try to leave me again.’
I averted my gaze and held her in my arms even more tightly, causing us both to fall silent a second time. I didn’t want her to be alone either, and I could understand how she felt – I felt the same. It was why I couldn’t keep living like this. But I also had a choice that she apparently lacked.
I could stop existing, whereas she…couldn’t.
But again, I couldn’t stomach the idea that I was the reason why the rest of the universe was doomed. It had to be fixed, and if it was fixable at this point, then only I could do it.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said gently. Simply.
It was a statement packed with much more than an apology, which she was well aware.
Instantly, she began sobbing against my chest, tears overflowing from her closed emerald eyes.
‘I hate this,’ she whimpered after a moment. ‘I hate this so much. Why couldn’t I have just been stronger back then? Why couldn’t I have just saved you back then? I hate this so much.’
‘Me too, sis,’ I agreed. ‘And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could fix things. I wish you could fix things. But we aren’t gods, even despite our abilities. There’s only so much we can do.’ I pulled away slightly to hold her blurry gaze. ‘And hey, at least we got to see each other again. Even if it wasn’t forever, at least we got to spend a little time together. That’s better than nothing.’
She sobbed again, her eyes shutting as she nodded weakly, falling silent for a minute.
‘And I’m sorry,’ she replied somberly after a moment. ‘Because we’re out of time. I have to send you back. I wish I could just keep you here forever, but I can’t. You don’t belong in this time.’
Something about her statement sent a weird chill through my core, alerting me to a fact I was unaware of until now – something disturbing.
‘Sis…’ I thought hesitantly. ‘Why is our time limited?’
Her expression pained as she pulled away, grasping my hands in hers.
‘Michael,’ she thought somberly. ‘You’re not really here – no more than I am in your past. Or rather, no more than I am, apart from my past self.’ When she realized I didn’t understand, she held up our hands, revealing…
Nothing.
She was holding onto nothing.
‘Brother, you can only truly have one body. And right now, your body isn’t here. Only your mind. Only your soul.’
I was speechless.
I didn’t have a body.
Right now, I didn’t have a body.
Noah hadn’t been able to see me, because I didn’t have a body.
Just as I was beginning to panic, my sister abruptly held her finger to my lips – the lips that didn’t really exist right now, even though I could feel her touch – as if to silence my emotions.
Her expression was determined.
Feeling frozen in place, I held her gaze for what felt like forever, with neither of us moving even a little, as if we were frozen in time. Simultaneously, the urge to blink began to plague me, but I couldn’t blink with eyes I didn’t have. And even worse, I was beginning to wonder what was actually happening when I was ‘blinking,’ since it must be something far more than me closing my nonexistent eyes.
Rather than blinking, I must be losing consciousness, with no way to know how much time was passing before and after the ‘blink.’
But there was nothing I could do about it now. Frozen in place, with my thoughts becoming foggy, I held my sister’s emerald gaze for an eternity.
Frozen in time forever.
Until finally, I blinked.
Chapter 24: Compassion
I stared at the animal corpse before me, briefly confused by the sight. It looked like it might have been a deer, but I had no idea where it came from or why I was sitting in front of it.
Or why it was half gone…
My gaze then shifted to my dark surroundings, being able to see the trees clearly, even despite the nonexistence of any detectable light. It was completely silent and motionless, as if I was the only living creature for miles…
And, as I began to think about it, I realized…I was…
I was alone inside this pocket dimension. And suddenly I remembered everything.
Everything.
Looking down at my hands to ensure I truly had them, I remained where I was, depression sitting on me like a physical presence, feeling as if the weight of the world was literally on my shoulders. Because Miriam was gone, even as she was waiting for me on Earth, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back. There was nothing I could do to bring any version of her back. And there was nothing I could
do to stop her from dying. Again. For what felt like the hundredth time.
Maybe less, maybe more. But it didn’t matter.
All I could do was die again – or rather, for real this time – by letting the void swallow me whole.
As I sat, my thoughts somber and defeated, I considered provoking the Dragon to reappear to ensure I truly died this time, but I wondered if that might be a huge mistake. Obviously, the universe itself was trying to eliminate the problem, so I figured it was best to let it do it – not some other force.
But then, what to do until the time had come?
Part of me wanted to go immediately to Miriam, to take comfort in my love despite the knowledge that she was just another reiteration, but I knew I couldn’t do that. Not without potentially running into Ragnarok and provoking a fight.
Sighing heavily in reservation, I stood to my feet, knowing that no matter what I decided to do, I had to leave this dimension first, because I doubted time would pass in the time loop if I just stayed in here forever – something I certainly didn’t want to do by myself. Thus, I made my way through the trees, too depressed to even go around the ones in my path, plowing them down like a truck, as if they didn’t exist at all.
Then, once I stepped out into the hellish world that was Miriam’s home…my home…I turned around to watch the forest erupt into flames, disappearing from sight in a matter of seconds.
I continued to stare for a few long moments, still undecided as to what I should do.
I had to avoid Miriam right now…at least for a few hours.
And I didn’t want to chance getting Jericho involved either, which meant I needed to avoid Mount Enkidu, where their city was. Because even if the world was about to end, I didn’t want to be responsible for Seth’s death or her torment.
My thoughts then wandered to a pair of defeated black and gold eyes, framed by gray skin and black hair, ones that had suffered in agony for an unfathomable amount of time. At the very least, I knew I certainly couldn’t grasp what it would be like to be tormented for over a millennium as I slowly neared a painful end.
Or worse, to know that my child was suffering the same fate, and there was nothing I could do to protect him or her…
The idea made my eyes sting, when I really considered Ruth’s predicament, having been too consumed with my own problems previously to give it a ton of thought – to sincerely understand the implications.
To sympathize with her, to feel her pain.
But I felt it now.
My world was about to end, but she’d been watching her world end for well over a thousand years. And she watched her most cherished loved one suffer a fate he didn’t deserve – a fate forced on him simply for existing.
But no more.
My fate was sealed, and there was nothing I could do about that. But that didn’t mean I had to just watch the world get destroyed while I was still alive. Even if I ended their suffering for only a few moments in time, I’d rather they take their last breaths liberated from agony, rather than be tormented right until the very end.
If they had suffered in hell this long, then why not give them a small moment in heaven before the end? Especially when it was in my power to offer that. Not to mention, I had no idea what would happen when I died. For all I knew, maybe my actions would carry over into the primary timeline, since this would be the last loop.
Doubtful, but even if there was a small chance, then it was worth it to me. Granted, I supposed I should also make sure there wouldn’t be any consequences for them, for the same reason.
Beginning to run, quickly reaching my full speed, I spread out my bony midnight wings and took flight, aiming for where I knew I’d find a small village of the ostracized. On the way, I even spotted the boy, Ezra, walking painstakingly slow to the massive river of lava, looking like a small shadow creeping across the landscape, reminding me just how long it had felt when I walked with him on the return trip in the previous loop.
However, rather than just warp him straight to Earth, I wanted to at least inform his mother of my plans with both of them, before actually doing anything.
With the small townlet already in sight, I began lowering my altitude to land, only to notice another figure far in the distance, walking towards an outcropping of rocks on a hill. The individual was easily several miles away, but I knew I could traverse the distance quickly, and I was curious to know if this was the Adapa person whom both Ruth and Jericho spoke of previously.
Not to mention, nothing really mattered at this point, so I figured I’d just satiate my curiosity while I could. Thus, I continued past the homes of the forsaken, and accelerated to reach him in almost no time at all.
Not wanting to startle the guy, I landed quite some distance ahead of his path, walking at a medium pace the rest of the way, though he appeared to be aware of my presence long before my feet touched the ground.
Much to my surprise, he had the exact same coloring as Gilgamesh, his hair white, his skin gray, his horns black, his irises bright red. However, even more shocking was that he was far taller than both me and Gilgamesh, rivaling the height of both Ragnarok and Gabriel. He was also much larger, being nearly as muscular as Reuben had been, which would have made him an imposing figure were it not for his dry and brittle looking skin.
I also noticed that I couldn’t really sense his presence, like some of the other Ryujin in the village.
But the thing that held my attention most wasn’t his physical stature or anything about his overall appearance.
It was his eyes.
When I first met Miriam, I had never imagined that crimson eyes could be so devastatingly beautiful – not until I’d seen hers.
And now that I held this man’s gaze, I realized that I had also never imagined crimson eyes could be so overwhelmingly gentle and filled with compassion.
When I met his gaze, his composure and expression communicated several realizations all at once, suddenly making everything click in my head.
This man was definitely Adapa, the individual these people seemed to look to as a leader…
And this man, Adapa, did not abstain from human blood as penitence for a crime. There was no doubt about that.
This man abstained out of his own volition.
I knew this for a fact, without even asking, because in those crimson eyes, I saw the compassion of a being who would never take the life of another, not even if his own life depended on it. Not even if it caused him great agony for all of eternity. Someone who took Miriam’s sentiment to the next extreme and rejected the hand he’d been dealt in life.
Though, his condition appeared to be less severe than Ruth’s, so all my assumptions could be misplaced…
Still, somehow I couldn’t imagine otherwise, and I knew Ezra had mentioned there were some who chose this punishment.
I slowed down as we neared each other, his pace unsurprisingly slower, giving him a slight nod before speaking up.
“Adapa,” I said simply. A statement, rather than a question.
“May the Lord be with you,” he replied as a greeting.
“Err…” I hadn’t expected a response like that, though if he was religious then it only reinforced my presuppositions. “Hello,” I finally managed, more as a means of delaying while I considered how I wanted to approach this.
In the end, I decided to just pretend what I assumed was the case for many Ryujin, even those who had been around for a while – that this person was relatively unknown. “My name is Michael, and I only just recently learned your name, though I must admit, I didn’t even know you existed until now. Can you tell me about yourself?”
It was an odd introduction, I was well aware, but I didn’t want to spend a ton of time talking with him, so I got right to the point.
Surprisingly, he chuckled slightly at that, not even showing a hint of pain. “You amuse me, child. Did someone send you on this fruitless toil? Though I must admit, someone of your strength being another’s errand boy seems preposterous.�
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“And for what reason would someone send me to you?” I wondered seriously.
His eyes narrowed slightly at that. “Hmm, I suppose I’ll entertain the notion of your sincerity.” He then cleared his throat, glancing away. “It is true that there are few who may have sent you to me, should that have been the case.” His gaze flicked back to mine. “For there are few who are aware that I am an Original.”
My eyes widened in shock. “You are?” I said in disbelief, causing me to wonder if he was lying, though I found that also difficult to believe – that he would be dishonest, given the gentleness and sincerity he radiated. “But I’ve only known there to be three Originals,” I replied, playing along with my cover story. “And that information comes from a reliable source,” I added, initially thinking of Miriam, but then thinking of the Dragon.
However, as I tried to recall the details of our conversation, I couldn’t remember the beast mentioning a particular number of creations she cared for, though there was little doubt her concern was only for the Originals.
Adapa didn’t seem offended by my contradiction. “As stated,” he retorted simply.
I hesitated for a moment, wondering what he was implying, before realizing the obvious – he wasn’t going to repeat himself.
‘For there are few who are aware that I am an Original.’
My contradiction had already been answered. Obviously my source wasn’t aware either.
“Just how few?” I quickly asked. “And again, why would they send me to you?”
“The exact number, I cannot say. Doubtful it exceeds ten people, however. As to why, I believe you to be intelligent enough to figure it out.”
I shook my head in disbelief. I really didn’t have time to play games. “Because you could hold a position of power?” I assumed. “You could unbalance the scales of power?”
“As stated,” he repeated, this time referring to my own comment.
“And you refuse because…” I began as a question, only to realize he’d probably make another comment regarding me being smart enough to piece it together myself. I changed my tone, now a statement. “Because you didn’t choose this life, and do not wish to partake in the evils that living as a demon necessitates.” I paused for confirmation, but when he didn’t respond, I continued. “But then, why is your condition better than Ruth’s when I assume you’ve abstained longer than her? Much longer, if you’re truly an Original.”
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