My eyes fill up. A part of me is relieved. I can’t imagine what it would be like to see my father hold another woman’s hand, kiss her. It would definitely take some getting used to. And God forbid, he played the field, and I’d have to see him with multiple women. Thank God, he lives in France.
“Will you tell me if you do start dating?” I ask. “I’d prefer not to be blindsided again.”
“I will,” he says. “And you’ll tell me if Knox hurts you again. I’ll make sure he doesn’t get a third chance!”
“There’s my overprotective Dad!”
He chuckles. “Now tell me what you have planned for Gigi’s birthday. I’m so sorry I’m missing it.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Cassette
Mae to Knox
Age Sixteen
Knox,
I got your cassette. You know the one. The one where you said you loved me. I loved it.
Love . . .
Is love a choice? A decision? Or are we all victims to it?
I don’t think you woke up that morning and thought, I’m going to love Mae today. You made the decision to tell me, but was loving me a decision, or was it something that just happened to you?
You happened to me, Knox. I like to think with my head. A pro/con list is my best friend, but with you, it doesn’t matter how many cons there are. Honestly, there aren’t many. Really, only the distance.
I know how hard it must have been to make that cassette, to send it, to wait for me to respond. To me, the most important thing about love is to appreciate it, and protect it. Not to overlook it. My dad always drops me and my mom off at the door of a store if it’s raining. That’s love.
My mom sends him a text when she’s running late. Love.
Most love isn’t big. It’s not jewelry and flowers. Love is in the details. The small, everyday acts.
The cassette tapes.
That’s the key to a long relationship, I think.
Notice the love.
This is me noticing.
This is me saying . . .
I love you, too.
*
Mae
Gigi’s party is in full swing. It’s a beautiful Colorado evening. The sky is painted in pinks and oranges, the wildflowers are in full bloom. The lake looks extra bright today, like Mother Nature knows it’s Gigi’s day. I’ve got tables and chairs set up outside. My place is too small for everyone to be inside. All of Gigi’s friends are here, Everly and Timothy included. Amy showed up, too. I’m glad she came; it’s good to see her away from the office. I’ve got music playing. It’s been a warm day, so I’m wearing a bikini top under my tank top and shorts. Several party goers are already swimming in the lake. It’s low key, but it’s been a wonderful time.
Two of the three tiers of birthday cake are gone. Gigi didn’t blow out any candles, but the Silver Sirens did perform a very sultry version of “Happy Birthday” in her honor. It was a hoot!
Thomas has barely left her side all day. I still can’t get used to it. That was always my grandfather’s job, being her sidekick. He worshipped the ground she walked on, opening every door for her, never letting her carry a single bag in his presence. Seems like Thomas has the same affliction.
There are a lot of single people here. Granted, most of them are AARP members, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like something, or rather someone, is missing.
My sidekick.
I’m in my twenties. Most of the time when I go to functions, people my age are coupled up. It’s strange, but it’s human nature. We are pre-programmed to seek companionship. I think it’s the only explanation for blind dates and arranged marriage. We scrounge up dates to weddings, parties, class reunions. Hell, I’ve even had a caller or two that took a date to a funeral.
Normally, I’m okay flying solo. My own company is often better than a random guy, but today feels different. I wish Knox was here.
I catch myself. Wishing for him is bad, unbelievably bad. No matter what he says, I don’t think he’s here to stay. He has a big life. Haven’s Point wasn’t enough for him when we were kids, and it’s not going to be enough now.
Maybe what I’m really wondering is whether I’m enough.
Am I enough to keep him coming back? And for how long?
I step outside, a bit away from the party, and pull out my phone to text him. We haven’t talked yet today. He’s doing media interviews all day, but he did send several cases of vintage champagne over to toast Gigi. That was a sweet touch. I send him a quick thank you text, not expecting him to respond, but my phone dings almost immediately.
Knox: The least I could do after that picture you sent me.
He didn’t exactly get the ugly underwear picture he asked for, but I figured he’d prefer a full nude, anyway. If we’re going to do the whole long-distance thing, I figured we had to find ways to keep things spicy. I just sent a body shot, though. The first rule of nude selfies is don’t ever show your face!
Knox: Naughty girl!
Me: Don’t get callouses!
“Don’t tell me your phone is blowing up, too?” Everly says, walking up to me. “These GroupMe school moms are about to drive me crazy.”
Startled, I hear my phone ding again, but don’t look at it. “GroupMe?”
“That app is the devil,” she says. “It’s like a group text on steroids. The preschool parents at Gracie’s school are all on it. In theory, it’s a good idea. Helps everyone keep up with things.”
“That doesn’t sound bad.”
“It is when everyone has to thank each other for responding. Then a dozen or so you’re welcomes follow. Do they not realize that everyone is seeing this? And then there are the randoms that ask things totally unrelated to school, like where is the best dry cleaner. This is why moms go crazy, I swear.”
“You’re a good mom,” I say. “I know it was tough right after Gracie came to you, but you guys have crossed that hump, and she’s an amazing little girl.”
Everly looks over at a patch of wildflowers, where Timothy is swinging Gracie in the air, her purple dress twirling around with her. She lets out a long sigh. “He wants another.”
“Already?”
She nods. “He doesn’t care if we adopt again, or have a biological child.”
“What do you want?” I ask.
Her phone dings again, and then again. “For these damn moms to stop messaging. I don’t care what Thai restaurant they ate at last night!”
I put my arm around her. Everly and I just know things about each other without having to say a word. I know she’s not ready. She’s got a lot on her plate, and Gracie is still little. “Does Gracie ask for a baby brother or sister?”
“A mermaid,” Everly says. “She only asks for a mermaid.”
We both laugh. “Me, too,” I say. “By the way, do me a favor and talk to Amy. She’s looking for a place in Haven’s Point, and if anyone would hear of a place, it’s the local coffee shop guru.”
“Sure,” she says, motioning to my phone and asks, “Knox?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
She smiles at me. “Mae, your heart is gone already. I can see it in your face.”
She’s right. As much as I try to convince myself that we are taking things slow, it’s a lie. My heart has a mind of its own.
“I know you don’t like him, but . . .”
Everly holds up her hand to stop me. “Girlfriend code. When you hate him, I hate him. When you love him, I love him. That’s the way this works.”
“And when I’m confused?” I laugh out.
“You’re not confused,” she says. “You know exactly how you feel. You’re scared. And you have every right to be. He’s far away. He’s famous. He hurt you before.”
“How am I supposed to trust my heart? It’s been wrong so many times before. I’ve made a career out of how wrong my heart is,” I say, throwing up my hands.
“Your heart only has to be right one time,” she says. “Is this that time?”
The party rages on. Who knew the AARP crowd were such party animals? After playing tea party and chase with Gracie for half the afternoon, I decide to check the food and drink tables to make sure there are still plenty of refreshments.
I’m pouring chips into a bowl when my phone rings. I step inside the house when I see who my caller is, the man saved in my phone as Scooby-Doo. I didn’t want to put in his real name for fear I might lose my phone, and then someone could sell his number to the highest bidder.
“How am I listed in your contacts?” I ask, answering.
“Your name,” he says. “Why would I have you as anything else?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “People do it all the time. They’ll have House CEO for their mom or dad. I have you as Scooby-Doo, and Everly as Gangsta Babe because she’s always got my back.”
He laughs. “Okay, I’ll change you to something better.”
“Like what?”
“Think I’ll keep that a secret,” he says.
“No fair,” I pout.
“How’s the party?” Knox asks.
I fill him in a little, and then he asks how I am doing. I keep it sweet and light. I don’t tell him about the meeting with my bosses or any of my other fears. I don’t want him to worry, and I don’t want to get into anything heavy when I know he doesn’t have long to talk, and I need to get back to the party.
Looking out my window, I see Amy and Everly talking. There are no signs that anyone will be leaving anytime soon. I guess that’s what happens when you give a good party.
I want to know when he’ll be coming back, but I don’t want to ask. It seems too couple-like, too desperate, too much of a commitment, too fast for all that. My heart needs to slow down and give my head a chance to catch up.
But then he says, “As soon as I finish here, I’m catching a plane to Denver. It will be late. I have tomorrow off, but need to be in New York first thing Monday morning.”
My heart swells. He misses me, too. “Tomorrow is Sunday,” I say, reality hitting me. “I have to work.”
“I don’t care if I get to see you two hours or ten, I’m coming,” Knox says. “I’ve got to get back to work now. I don’t know how late I’ll be tonight, so don’t wait up.”
“Wake me when you get here,” I say softly.
“Sleep naked,” he says before hanging up.
There’s a soft knock on the back door. Seeing it’s Amy, I step back outside. She leans in and whispers, “I don’t want to freak you out, but there’s some car parked down the road. I think the guy has a camera.”
I look in the direction she’s motioning. Though the car is some distance away, I recognize the guy from my porch the other day. He gives me a snarky wave. He’s not on my property this time. “Piece of crap reporter. Vincent something or other.”
“Want me to ask him to leave?” Amy asks.
I shake my head, not wanting to draw more attention to him, perhaps ruin what’s been a great party. “He’s trying to get the money shot of me and Knox, I’m sure.”
I guess he needs photo confirmation before he can run his story exposing me and Knox. Sleaze! Why is it anyone’s business?
“Knox isn’t even here,” Amy says.
“He won’t be here until much later tonight, so let’s just let this asshole waste his Saturday,” I say with a smile. But I’d be lying if I said my stomach wasn’t in a knot. “He’ll have to earn his money another way.”
*
I don’t understand people who can sleep naked. Don’t you get cold? Or worry about bugs? It’s the same thing as women who don’t wear panties with pants. I don’t get that, either. We are women. I don’t want to be gross, but there are things that come out of us that I don’t want on my jeans. And seriously, put on some drawers when you work out. No one wants to see your crotch sweat.
Perhaps, I should bring this up on-air sometime. It could be an interesting topic for discussion. Ideas hit me at the oddest times. I’m always looking for fresh and fun conversation starters, but sometimes they strike you when you least expect it.
Despite my practical objections against it, I’m as naked as a jay bird when I hop into bed, pulling the covers all the way up to my neck. I must’ve checked the curtains in my bedroom at least three times to make sure there weren’t any slits anywhere. I’m not sure why I care. I don’t think the deer are peeping Toms, I have no neighbors close enough to catch a glimpse of anything, and that reporter drove off hours ago.
Turning my head, I see the clock reads eleven on the dot. It’s not that late, but I’m tired from the party. Having no idea what time Knox will show up, I decide it’s best to get a few hours of sleep, because God knows I won’t get any once he arrives. At least, I hope not.
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, snuggling deeper into my mattress. It’s quiet out here—a far cry from the party a few hours ago. It was a great time, but I love the quiet. It’s one of the reasons I bought this place. I never hear a car drive by in the middle of the night. There’s no noisy neighbors. I hear the occasional owl or bird, a ripple from the lake, but for the most part, the whole world seems asleep out here.
Creak.
My eyes flash open. That sounds like it’s coming from the wood on my porch, but I didn’t hear a car. It can’t be Knox, and that scum reporter wouldn’t have the balls to trespass again.
I wait a second to see if I hear the noise again, but I don’t. I close my eyes, only this time, the bed isn’t quite as comfortable, so I roll to my side, yawning a little. This is my usual bedtime ritual—say my prayers, then think of something happy for a few minutes before I roll to my back and fall into a deep sleep.
Tonight’s happy thought is Knox.
His name makes me smile. The thought of him waking me up with some kinky little game makes me even happier, but it’s not going to help me sleep, so I think about us as teenagers. All the times we spent out at this lake, talking, walking, kissing. My breathing slows. It’s hard to keep the thoughts clear. I feel myself drifting to sleep.
My eyes flash open. The clock says eleven thirty now. I just barely fell asleep.
Creak.
My pulse rate jumps through the roof, and I shoot up in bed before remembering I’m naked, then quickly lift the covers over my chest to cover myself.
Creak.
Reaching for the lamp next to my bed, I flick on the light. “Knox?” I call out.
Nothing but silence fills the air.
I reach for my phone, seeing I missed a text from Knox a few minutes ago. He got delayed. He’s just now on his way to the airport. He won’t be here for a few more hours.
I’ve never been scared out here by myself. Never! But my current heart rate is higher than it should be. Maybe being naked has me paranoid. That has to be it. I’m just feeling vulnerable.
Glancing to the alarm panel on my bedroom wall, the light is still green. I didn’t set it before I went to bed, and I seldom do. It was Gigi’s housewarming present to me. I’d have preferred a Smeg refrigerator. I love their whole line of stuff, all the fun colors, but I had to spring for that myself.
Right now, though, I’m thankful that Gigi sprung for the alarm. She even pays for the monitoring service because she knows I wouldn’t have kept up with that. I get up, keeping the blanket wrapped around me, and activate it. When it’s fully armed, I get back in bed and shut off the light.
I feel a bit better, but this time, it’ll take more than one deep breath for me to fully relax. My happy place seems a bit farther away. I finally seem to be making some progress when I hear another noise, only this is more like a rustling than a creaking sound.
Shit! I feel myself starting to sweat. At this point, I’d pee my pants if I was wearing any.
Trying to convince myself it’s just a wild animal who’s gotten too close, I get out of bed, throwing on a sweatshirt and sweatpants. If I’m going to be mauled to death or murdered, I want to be covered up and warm. I don’t want to be found dea
d naked—how embarrassing.
I don’t turn on any lights in my bedroom, but make my way into the main part of the house. For a fraction of a second, I wonder if Knox is playing games with me. We never really did any role playing in our sex life before, but maybe this is some new thing that gets him off. I just don’t think he’d scare me, though, not on purpose.
I make my way to the front door, flicking the switch for the outside lights to come on. I’m not about to open the door to a bear or a burglar. Peering through the windows, I scan my porch. I can’t see much beyond that. It’s pitch black. That’s one of the things I usually like about it out here. It gets so dark without lights from buildings or street posts, but right now, I’m reconsidering my position.
I don’t see anything, not even the shadow of anything moving. Some people enjoy being scared, watching horror movies, riding thrill rides, jumping out of planes. I’m not one of those people. I don’t scare easily, but it’s not a feeling I particularly enjoy or crave.
Making my way to the back door, I do the same check, feeling pretty stupid when all I see is a tiny squirrel running across my porch. He’s cute, and my heart settles. Shaking my head at myself, I turn off the lights, but just to be careful, I flip on the motion detector lights.
They’ve been installed forever, but I leave them off because there are so many animals out here. Odds are that critters like my squirrel friend would trip them all the time. Right now, I have the sensitivity set to the lowest level, so hopefully, they won’t be activated by a passing animal. Saying a prayer that the bulbs still work, I make my way back to bed.
I’m okay. Knox will be here soon. Everything is fine. Just need to close my eyes and fall asleep.
It’s exactly midnight when the motion lights flash on, lighting up the house like the Fourth of July. No squirrel is going to do that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Knox
All the rental car places were closed when I arrived at the Denver airport, so I had to take a taxi to Haven’s Point. It’s dark, I wore a baseball cap, and it’s the wee hours of the morning, so I don’t think the driver recognized me. He barely makes eye contact with me as I unload my bag. That’s a good sign.
Knox (A Merrick Brothers Novel) Page 15
