“Hello,” I replied. You finally decided to come around again I went on talking as I batted my eyes.
I been decided to come, I was just waiting on the perfect opportunity to embrace your presence he said calmly, as he flopped down next to my chair. Trying not to smile too hard, I flicked my hair and gazed off at the trees blowing.
“Do you live around here?” I blurted out as I fixed my face to turn to him and talk.
“Yes,” he replied. “I actually stay right behind you.” calmly speaking with a slight smile on his face.
This, I thought, had to be set up by God. I had finally found exactly what I thought I needed. He was older, so he understood life, Not like the crazy high school boys, I thought. The high school boys didn’t understand commitment I thought as I continued to bat my eyes. He just might be that someone who was going to love me, that someone I could have a family with. Because he was older, I just know that he would want the same things as me. I just know this relationship would be the fairy tale I used to dream of when I was a little girl. These thoughts rambled through my mind as he talked about his brothers and his mother. He rambled on about how he helps his mother do this and do that. How he is hands on with his younger brothers and make it a point to attend their football games. As he talked, I smiled as I watched his mouth move slowly while drifting off into a daze thinking that this man can truly be the one. Dana! he yelled breaking my deep thought about our life. Are you ok, he asked laughing while nudging me in shoulder. I am fine, I am just fine I said softly smiling back at him.
As the days passed and our conversations grew longer, I grew impatient, rushing what I thought should have arrived by now. We should be a lot further than just talking on the phone and his occasional pop-ups to sit with me on my front porch. Since the late-night phone conversations were not moving my plan of having a family along fast enough, I thought he needed a little more—like maybe my body. Maybe he wants to make love to me, I thought, lying in bed one night, thinking about what I could do to keep him around. I couldn’t take another letdown, so that was what I decided to give him. I would give him me.
“I can do this,” I said to myself, leaving school the next day after deciding to have sex with Christian. “This is nothing.” I had kissed a few boys, showed them my breasts, and let them feel on me but had never gone the full mile with anyone outside of what danny did to me. “But Christian is different,” I whispered, reminding myself of what I was going to do. He was older, he knew about life, and I just knew he would want the same things I wanted, I reminded myself as I gathered my things to leave school.
“Hey, Dana, where are you going?” one of my classmates, Ashley, yelled.
I ignored her, so she said again, “Dana! I thought you were going to Spare-time to hang out for a bit today,” she screamed out.
Spare-time was a teenage club where kids hang out after school and on weekends. It was the only exciting thing to do in this small town. I tried to hurry and come up with a lie for why I couldn’t go with her.
“DANA!” She screamed out again.
Rolling my eyes and smacking my lips together in frustration, I quickly spun around and said, “I just can’t go, not today.” Then I turned back and speedily walked away before she could ask any more questions. I looked back to see her standing there in amazement.
Though I felt bad about breaking my promise to her, I felt I had more important things to handle today. I turned around and headed down the hallway, out the door and down the road for Christian’s place. “I can’t be hanging at Spare-time,” I whispered to myself. “I am just too old for that now.”
As I knocked on his door, I could feel the jitters trying to sneak up again. I looked around at his porch and saw how filthy it was. There were clothes thrown in a pile, a tire that had rusted and needed to be thrown out, and a trash bag they didn’t seem to want to tie, so most of the trash was flying around on the porch and yard. I took deep breaths, trying to relieve the anxiety as I walked to and from the door, saying over and over, “No! I can’t do this! This is crazy; he won’t do anything but hurt me!”
Just as I turned around and was about to walk off, Christian swung the door wide open. “Hey, what’s up,” he said, smiling from one ear to the other. His eyes moved from my head, slowly undressing me as they went to my breasts, stomach and landing on my hips, and then quickly moving back up to look in my eyes.
I somewhat smiled back as he gazed at me. For that moment, I forgot about my jitters. As he offered me his hand, I took one last deep breath, took his hand, and walked inside.
“Decided to ditch school and come hang out with you,” I finally said as I sat on the couch.
The living room was messy, with clothes thrown everywhere. Either someone forgot to pick up the clothes or just didn’t want to hang them up! I saw a mixture of his mother’s uniforms sitting in a corner. I couldn’t tell if they were dirty or clean. His brother’s clothes were in another pile right beside the couch; it looked like dirty football uniforms and dirty socks where in an open bag sitting next to the door of the room. I looked toward the kitchen and noticed the dishes lying on the counter that still had food on them. His house was a complete disaster. Who lives like this? I thought as I tried to ease my nervousness, leaving me wanting to get up and run out of the house.
He laughed it off. “Oh yeah? You wanted to hang out with me?” he asked, licking his bottom lip and nudging me in my side with his elbow, looking at me from head to toe. He placed one hand over my hand and with the next he rubbed a piece of hair that had fallen in my face. He then reached around my waist and pulled me closer as he leaned in and kissed my cheek then slowly making his way down my neck.
As he began to peel away the shirt that I had snuggled myself into, I whispered in his ear, “Wait! I’m a little scared.”
Ignoring my concern, he kissed me even more. “You have done this before right?” He asked as he paused from kissing me. ummm yes sure I have I said stuttering over my words. Ok then, it will be fine, he said calmly before going back to kissing my neck.
“Wait, do you care about me?”
I asked as he rubbed my leg and chuckled. lifting his head up slowly and staring into my eyes, with a moment of silence before replying “Yes, yes!” and rapidly went back to kissing me.
After a few kisses, I gave in. I leaned my head back and went along with it because he said he cared about me. He knows what he wants, I thought to myself as he kissed me.
“Let’s go in the room,” he said, breathing harder and harder as he tried to gather himself.
He held out his hand and I grabbed it. I followed him to give him a part of me, hoping he would give me what I needed—love. Still trapped in that little girl’s mind, needing my mother to love me and my father to protect me, needing the fairy tale I used to dream of. As he laid me down and unzipped my pants, he gently pulled down my underwear.
I tried to keep my focus on him, but a flash of that night appeared. As he laid himself on me and started kissing my neck, I could almost smell the same scent I smelled that night on danny. As he gripped my hand, I slowly squeezed my eyes shut and went along with what I thought I needed. Flashes of that night took over me, and I could feel a tear running down the side of my face as he moved in motion on top of me. As his breathing sped up, I could feel the same pain I felt that night. Though I thought Christian was different, at this moment I felt alone, just like that night.
I created the illusion that Christian loved me, because that is what he told me. He knows what he wants, I continued to think as I laid there in a puddle of my tears while he got pleasure out of my pain.
Chapter 5
I stood up and looked out the window as the rain poured down and the wind blew, threatening to knock down at least one or two trees.
As I tightened the towel around my neck to catch the water dripping from my hair, I looked out at the teenagers rushing to get into thei
r houses, trying not to get soaked as they laughed and played, flirting with each other. It reminded me of Christian and I when we started dating, playfully pushing each other as we laughed over the most ridiculous things. Games over the phone. Jokes that lasted for hours and teasing that lasted for days.
How young they are, I thought as I seen Mrs. Jenkins son hold the umbrella over the girls heads as they ran into the house. I remember how soon the laughs with Christian turned into cries and how the playing turned into fighting, how the long conversations in the late hours turned into screaming and fighting over the phone. How I cried from within night after night, tired from trying to capture what I so desperately needed.
As time went on, my relationship with Christian got more and more serious. I smiled as I walked down the hall at school, getting ready to leave for the day. I just knew he was at the corner waiting for me. As I rushed down the halls, I quickly threw my books in the locker. “I’m not going to need those today,” I said to myself as I slammed the locker shut then quickly darted outside to see if Christian was at the corner like he always was, as I Bypassed the usual “see you later” from the teachers in the halls, as they waved and smiled. As I walked out the door and down the sidewalk, I could see christian standing there just as expected.
I smiled as I saw him waiting patiently, wearing black shorts and a matching black shirt. I could see the small gold chain he kept around his neck, which I believed was his favorite since he never took it off. I smiled as I got closer. Too impatient to walk the rest of the way, I began running. I had just enough room to jump up and give him a big hug, swinging my legs around his waist and gently placing a kiss on his cheek. I could feel him smile as my cheek rested on the side of his face. He gently rubbed my back as he slowly slid me down. Not saying anything, he grabbed my hand and slowly turned around to walk me home.
“So how was your day?” I asked.
“Oh fine,” he replied quickly, looking away, avoiding eye contact, seeming a little disturbed by me asking. “Are you coming back to my house?” he asked, slowly turning back to look at me, moving past what I had asked him.
He was looking at me as if I had no other option. I could see he wanted me to as he raised one of his eyebrows.
“Ummm, sure,” I said, seeming a little confused. Not saying a word, I held his hand and continued to walk.
Walking into the apartment, I could see that nobody had cleaned up or even thought about it again today. As he led me into the room with one hand, I knew it would be the normal routine. I went along with it, hoping that maybe afterward, he would talk to me or even ask how I was doing. I had so much going on, from school to my mother. I could really use the conversation, I thought.
“I have so much going on at home,” I blurted out as I placed my backpack on the only available place on the floor that didn’t have clutter. “School doesn’t seem to be working out for me.” I kept talking as he scrambled to push things around on the floor to make room for us to sit.
Disgusted at the fact that his house never stayed clean, I continued trying to make conversation. “Are you listening?” I asked softly.
“Um yes, I’m listening. So, what are you going to do?” He asked as he flopped down next to me, rubbing his hands together as if he was dusting off dust that had accumulated on the floor.
“I don’t know,” I said in confusion as he took one hand and rubbed my back up and down. Well I know what you can do, he said chuckling to himself.
Slowly kissing my neck as he ignored my concerns, then gently slid me down and climbed on top of me. I closed my eyes and let him do what he wanted to do.
Afterward, he asked if I was ready to go home. Staring at him with a blank look, somewhat in disbelief, I knew what I needed was far from happening today. But I shook off the irritation building up within me as I looked around to find my clothes among the clutter all over his floor!
“Can you at least help me find my shirt?” I snapped at him.
Looking stunned, he turned around to pretend he was looking. I rolled my eyes and snatched my shirt, which I had spotted in the corner. I put it on and then walked out, slamming the door behind me, leaving him stunned.
Days passed, with me feeling sick and throwing up.
My friend Ashley advised me to take a pregnancy test. “Girl, you might be pregnant,” she blurted out on our walk home from school one afternoon. Of course, Christian was not there to wait on me. It’s been several weeks since he decided to walk me home. Which was ok with me, right now I didn’t want to feel the pressure of having to sleep with him.
“Maybe it’s the weather! This weather has been unpredictable recently,” I said, smacking my lips and looking out as other people passed by, making sure they didn’t hear what we were talking about as I continued trying to justify why I felt sick. “But what if I am?” I continued talking as I looked around to make sure everyone was out of sight “Can we handle a baby? “He loves me and I love him.” right? I asked, hoping she would confirm. It has been two years since christian and I started dating, and within the last couple of months it has taken a turn I did not hope for. Ashley just tell me, christian loves me right? I asked again.
Ashley rolled her eyes and looked away. “Dana, I hope you know what you are doing,” she said, still avoiding eye contact with me.
Avoiding what she said, I asked, “So how can I find out if I’m pregnant?” Oddly, I wanted it to be true but at the same time didn’t want it to even be a topic.
“I can ask my cousin to go buy one. All I have to say is it is for a friend,” she said, trying to help me ease my concern and the anxiety that was starting to build up.
“Will she ask any questions about who it is for, Ashley?” I asked. “I can’t have the whole town knowing about this.”
“She won’t tell anyone, Dana. Just meet me at the lockers tomorrow and I will have it for you.” She hugged me and turned the corner to take the road to her house.
I shifted my backpack to the other arm, wiped the sweat off my forehead, and continued to walk home … alone.
The nervousness rose in me as I headed home. What am I going to do with a baby? Will this baby love me? What will people say? Am I really pregnant? Question after question flooded my mind, and my anxiety grew. Could I be pregnant? Too tired to even eat, I threw myself on the bed and slept the night away.
The next day after school, Ashley met me at the locker with the pregnancy test just as she’d promised. With my heart beating fast, I rushed home. I just knew my mother was not there, and this would be the perfect time to take the test to see if Ashley was right about why I was feeling sick. Anxious and nervous, I wondered, Is this it? Am I pregnant? Would he love me now? Would this baby give me the love I needed? Would my mother at least care? Would my father miraculously show up and prove he really cared? Would this baby erase the haunting memories of danny? I gripped the stick that Ashley advised me to pee on as I waited impatiently for the results. I looked in the mirror at myself and sucked in the what-ifs. I sat the stick down and splashed water on my face to relieve myself from the anxiety that was flustering up. As I grabbed the towel hanging on the rack to dry the water from my face, I glanced over to see if the lines were showing up.
As the lines became clear, I could see that the results were positive. Before I knew it, I was out the door and heading down the road to let Christian know about the good news. I smiled the whole way there, as if I had just completed an assignment on a check-off list.
“Positive,” I repeated to myself over and over as I approached his door. I was seventeen and pregnant and would have already been considered a high school dropout if it wasn’t for the few pop-ups I did just to say I went. My heart beat faster and faster, and the excitement grew more and more as I thought about how happy Christian would be to hear what I thought was the greatest news ever.
I knocked on the door but didn’t hear any answer. I began to knock a
gain, but still no answer. I knew he was home, but why wasn’t he opening the door for me? I had great news I knew he would want to hear. I then began to beat at the door in slight frustration. Then I heard footsteps.
“Who is it?” he yelled through the door, as if the peephole was not working.
“It’s me, Dana!” I yelled back. By this time, I had become frustrated, irritated because I am hot after the walk over and I sounded as crazy yelling my name as he did, asking who is it when he had a peephole!
It seemed he had to think about if he was going to open the door or not. After a few moments of pondering, he unlocked and opened the door without welcoming me in, I walked past the confused look on his face and went to sit on the couch.
“What is it?” he asked.
Ignoring the frustration in his voice, I leaned over and whispered, “I’m pregnant.”
He glared at me without blinking or moving an eye. He just sat there without saying a word.
“Did you hear what I said?” I yelled with an irritated tone, for this wasn’t going how I had planned it.
“Yes!” he exclaimed. “I heard you.”
“Well, are you going to say anything?” I said slowly looking at him in confusion.
After a few moments of what seemed like an eternity, he asked “are you sure it is mine? Why would he ask me that? Why wasn’t he excited about the good news? Why wasn’t this all working out? Why didn’t he have a smile on his face? All these thoughts began to flood my mind like a running river. The nerve of him to ask if I’m sure the baby is his?
As I looked into his eyes, I knew he was not happy, and it didn’t seem like he cared. I thought this was the prince I had always dreamed of. Oh, how I thought he loved me. He took my body and, in return, gave me laughter, gave me attention, and gave me what I thought was love. What did I know? What was love anyhow? I told myself as I glared at him. Frustrated that he was not as happy as I expected. That happy Christian I knew before was never the same, and neither was I.
The Product of a Broken Heart Page 5
