by Galen Wolf
‘Oh, sorry,’ Tye says.
Fitheach smiles. ‘Don’t worry. You didn’t mean it.’
Bernard makes a sound half-way between a gasp and a grunt.
Ned Ludd the dwarf miner says, ‘Yeah, sure we find them. Don’t mainly dig them out because there’s no use for them.’
Tye inhales ready to explain the use for smoky crystals, and Fitheach claps his hand over the mage’s mouth. ‘Hisst!’ he says.
Ned Ludd raises a bushy black eyebrow. ‘So they do have a use?’
I smile and shrug. ‘Let’s see what you’ve got and we can come to a deal.’
He nods and finally drops his guard. ‘Come on in.’
Bernard steps forward. ‘I’d be interested in amethyst and opals.’
‘Sure, sure, my alchemist friend,’ Ned Ludd says.
We leave the horses and mules outside then we walk into the cave mouth and all of a sudden I’m surrounded by familiarity and comfort. It’s a mine like my own Silver Drift. It feels good in here. I had never thought Ned Ludd was one of the enemy’s men, he wasn’t wearing any evil guild insignia and there wasn’t that air about him, but he must have come to some deal with the bad guys, or he wouldn’t still be operating.
The signs of mining are everywhere, ore wagons and piles of spoil. Broken pickaxes and smoky brands burning in sconces along the damp rough hewn cave walls. There is an antechamber and a main tunnel leads deeper into the mine, also lit at intervals by burning torches. A biggish chamber with a heavy oak door, reinforced with blackened steel and what look like defensive runes is to the left. Ned Ludd fumbles for a large brass key and with great pride opens the showroom door to reveal shelves covered in black, blue or red velvet. On the velvet are display cases with lots of wonderfully cut diamonds that sparkle in the torchlight. There are also thousands of other gemstones of various hues, twinkling blue and green and yellow from the shelves.
‘Nice collection,’ Bernard says.
‘Thank you. And they’re all for sale.’
‘You want some daylight in here?’ Fitheach says, always helpful. Ned Ludd looks puzzled and then Fitheach mutters holy words and a bright Daylight spell blinks on in the middle of the room. The glare from the glittering gemstones almost blinds me and I snap down my visor so I’m only looking through the slits.
‘Wowzer!’ Ned Ludd says. ‘That’s fierce.’
Fitheach grins.
But the dwarf miner seems pleased. ‘You can see them in their full glory now, gentlemen. What will you be taking?’
Tye says suddenly, ‘You work here alone?’
Ned Ludd shakes his head. ‘No, why?’ He’s suddenly more suspicious. ‘You weren’t fixing to rob me were you, ginger?’
I see Tye’s mouth straighten into a snarl. ‘Don’t call me, ginger, shorty.’
‘Easy, Tye,’ I say. “Mr Ludd didn’t mean any harm.’
Ludd looks at me. ‘How do you know?’
I lift my visor, blinking in the brightness. ‘I am presuming you’re looking for a frictionless business transaction.’
The dwarf shrugs and nods. ‘Of course. Now, as we were saying, what will you take?’ Bernard wanders over to a heap of amethysts. I think he uses them for his healing potions. He calls back over his shoulder, ‘You got agate?’
‘Of course.’
‘Aventurine?’
‘Natch.’
‘Well…’
Tye starts again, ‘How many are here with you?’
I begin to think he may really be considering overpowering the dwarf and stealing his stuff. So does Ned Ludd. The dwarf says in measured tones, ‘Four and me: Dave, Bob, Nik and Lemmy.’
‘Dwarfs?’
‘Yeah. What of it? You got stuff against dwarfs?’
Tye shrugs. ‘No.’
‘You don’t believe me that there’s four of us?’
Tye says nothing, but his fingers are beginning to waggle. I know that he and Fitheach are the most impulsive of my group. I send a group message:
Gorrow: Don’t even think about it.
Tye: What?
Gorrow: I saw your fingers waggling.
Fitheach: He seems very nice.
Tye: I don’t trust him.
Bernard: You‘re dwarfist, that’s your problem.
Tye: And you‘re gingerist, uncle.
Bernard: I told you not to call me that.
Ned Ludd goes to the door of the showroom and puts two fingers to his mouth, giving a loud whistle. Shortly after four dwarf miners emerge. They are wearing faded tie-dye t-shirts and ragged bottomed flared leather jeans. Their hair is long and dirty. Ned introduces them:
‘This here’s Dave.’ He’s skinny with long dirty brown hair. Dave nods.
‘This is Lemmy.’ Lemmy wears more leather than the other. His hair is darker, and he looks meaner. He’s not quite as skinny as the others. Lemmy’s wearing a silver Iron Cross pinned to his leather jerkin on the left and a silver Death’s Head on his right chest.
Ned Ludd points to another one. ‘Nik.’
‘Hi, guys.’ The ginger haired skinny miner grins. He has a hawk necklace in bone around his neck on a leather thong and psychedelic striped pants.
‘And finally, Bob.’
Bob nods without speaking. He looks insane.
Dave says, ‘We’re only temporarily working down a diamond mine.’
Nik adds, ‘We’re looking for the King of the Hornets, he’s supposed to be down here. For Bob really.’
Bob shrugs. ‘I wanted to be a spaceship pilot, but I’m in the wrong game.’
‘We were all in a band in real life,’ Lemmy says. Then he glowers at Dave, ‘But he fired me.’
Nik says, ‘He fired me too. Twice.’
Bob says, ‘He didn’t fire me. I left.’ He looks at Ned Ludd. ‘Anyway, is that all?’
Ned says, ‘Just wanted to show them I wasn’t here on my own and I could call on aid if necessary.’
Bob looks pretty uninterested in that. He turns and shuffles off back into the mine. ‘Back to the search for the King of the Hornets then.’
I figure it must be a private quest or something, but I don‘t ask because I have my own fish to fry. Once the space rock miners have gone I say, ‘What about the smoky crystals?’
Ned shrugs. ‘Like I said we don’t bother to dig them out. They’re worthless.’ But he’s smiling. ‘At least they are to most people. But maybe not to you, eh, my fine knightly friend?’
‘How come the Evil One left you alone here to dig?’ Tye says.
Ned Ludd sucks his teeth. ‘Too much trouble to kill me?’
Tye snorts. Bernard looks unconvinced.
‘Like shit,’ Tye says. ‘You expect us to swallow that load of old garbage?’
The truth begins to dawn on me. ‘You supply the enemy with crystals, don’t you?’
Ned Ludd shrugs again. ‘And so?’
‘So, he’s evil.’ Tye says.
Fitheach’s eyes are beginning to boil with rage. He can’t abide people who have truck with the Evil One.
Bernard’s tongue is carefully exploring his left upper incisor. I feel tension build.
Ned Ludd brings out his great axe and whistles again.
‘Let’s step outside,’ I say to my guys.
Ned Ludd is wary and on guard but he says, ‘Look, I’m only interested in doing business. Buy crystals and get on your way. No hard feelings.’
Outside, we stand next to the animals. ‘What’s going on?’ Henry the Mule says.
‘I’m scared, Henry,’ Bessie says cuddling up against Henry.
‘Don’t worry, love. Gorrow’ll have this sorted soon.’
‘So, shit,’ Tye says. ‘I vote we fry him and steal his stuff.’
‘What about the four rocker-miners?’ Fitheach says.
Tye says, ‘Fry ‘em too.’
Bernard shrugs. ‘It’s a plan.’
‘Kind of evil though,’ I say. ‘And we’re trying to set standards here and differentiate the
way we are in the game from the way they are. Heck, I’ve got a Code of Chivalry.’
‘Doesn’t count against evildoers,’ Fitheach says.
‘He’s not on Satanus’s side,’ I say.
‘But he does business with him,’ Fitheach says.
Bernard grunts. ‘Business is business. I can forgive that.’
‘Well, I can’t.’ Fitheach says.
‘I don’t care about the principle of it,’ Tye says. ‘I just want to fry him for calling me ginger.’
‘Like but you are ginger,’ Bernard says. ‘You picked how you looked at Character Creation. How can you blame others for that?’
‘I just can.’
‘Okay, okay,’ I say. ‘We could use the smoky crystals. It’s halfway to vorpal weapons.’
Fitheach nods. ‘True. But still…’
‘Fry him,’ Tye says.
‘I want some crystals for potions,’ Bernard says. ‘I’m prepared to pay for them.’
‘You could just take them,’ Tye says.
He’s certainly considering it, but finally Bernard says, ‘But there’s what Gorrow said about not being evil and all.’ He must mean it’s too much trouble, but I nod. ‘Exactly.’
‘Role-playing. Keeping with your alignment,’ Bernard says.
‘I don’t care,’ Tye says.
‘I’m not prepared to attack an innocent man who isn’t attacking us,’ I say. ‘It’s against my code.’
Bernard shrugs. ‘Like I said, I’m happy to pay for the crystals.’
Fitheach looks thoughtful. ‘I suppose he’s not officially one of them.’
‘Still,’ Tye says. ‘Fry him. Go on, it’ll be fun.’
‘Votes?’ Bernard asks.
Whatever the vote, I will not attack him unprovoked, but I vote anyway and it’s three to one against attacking. I guess we pay for the crystals then. That’s fine.
We re-enter the mine. Ned Ludd and his miners are standing waiting. His axe is ready. The four rockers brandish mattocks and eye us warily. I say, ‘We will pay.’
Ned smiles but doesn’t put down his axe. ‘What do you want?’
Bernard says, “I’ll take a quart of amethysts, a few pecks of agate and a bushel of milky opals.’
Ned nods. ‘Get the man his order, Dave.’
The miner Dave goes off to get the gemstones together and I say, ‘And I need some smoky crystals. How many do you have?’
Ned shakes his head. ‘Like I said, they’re in the walls.’
‘Yeah, but you can dig them out. I can give you a hand.’
Ned’s smile is fixed. ‘But I’m not going to sell them to you.’
I step back. ‘Oh? We’ve got money.’
‘I don’t want your money.’
Bernard raises his eyebrows. ‘You don’t want money?’
Ned grins. ‘No.’
‘Then it’s no deal?’ I say. I’m thinking we might have to kill him now, anyway. He’s now standing in the way of me completing my quest to help King Arthur and rapidly becoming a legitimate enemy because of that.
‘No,’ Ned repeats evenly and smiles. ‘But I will get you the crystals.’
Tye scratches his fiery locks. ‘Eh?’
Ned nods. ‘Yes, I don’t want your money, but big tough adventurers like you can maybe help me out in another way.’
I narrow my eyes. ‘I’m listening.’
‘You ever hear of the Pendle Witches?’
Robin Hood and Little John mentioned them. Apparently they have nice bazoomas. Pendle is a place near here — the big hill we saw. From looking at the map planning the route to Caer, there was a road we could take that went near there.
‘Yeah well, I did a job for the Pendle Witches but they never paid me. So I’ve got a grudge.’
‘So why not go and take your money, pussy?’ Tye says. ‘They’re only girls.’
I can’t read Ned’s expression. ‘Because I’m not a good enough fighter and my boys are more built for loving than fighting. Or at least digging.’
‘And rocking,’ Dave says but Ned’s not listening. He says, ‘But youse. Youse are all kitted out for war.’
I glance at my companions. It’s true. We look quite mean.
‘So, you see the Pendle Witches on my behalf and teach them not to mess with Ned Ludd. Then I’ll give you as many of those shit crystals that you need.’
‘So, we just beat them up a bit?’ Bernard says.
‘Yeah,’ Ned says. ‘But I need you to get back the gear I made for them.’
‘What’s that?’ I ask.
He grunts. ‘You know the fantasy armour that chicks in these games wear?’
Tye grins. ‘Yeah.’
‘Well, I made four sets of diamond and pearl encrusted, double-folded adamantine bikinis, with a lovely little dolphin motif chased around the edges. Real good armour, but you know, like revealing.’ He looks embarrassed. ‘It’s what they ordered. Not my idea.’
I wonder about that. I cough. ‘We’ll recover the adamantine bikinis back for you,’ I say.
Bob, the miner, is peering out of the cave entrance. He’s watching something. He sees me looking at him and says, ‘You know you’re being followed?’
I inhale.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘Some shifty looking rogue guy.’
15
The Quest of the Adamantine Bikinis
I hit
‘What a salacious quest title,’ Fitheach says. ‘I can’t approve of it.’
Tye sniggers. He turns to Ned Ludd who’s watching us with a faint smile on his face. ‘So,’ Tye says. ‘All we have to do is recover these ladies’ bikinis and return them to you.’
Fitheach shakes his head. ‘I know we’ve accepted and all but there are aspects of this quest that trouble me. For example, stealing the ladies’ bikinis.’
Ned Ludd growls. ‘Believe me, holy man whatever, they ain’t no ladies. And it isn’t stealing, because they never paid me nothing for the bikinis, despite our gentlemen’s agreement that they would.’ His rubs his forehead with his dirty hand in a gesture of self-reproach. ‘That should teach me never to give goods on credit.’ Then he mutters, almost imploringly, ‘But they were so pretty, and I did want to see them so much in their bikinis.’
I put up a hand to stop him going further because I fear we are getting into murky water. The quest details will be in my Journal, but I was going to quiz Ned Ludd on what kind of opposition we might face from the Pendle Witches. However, Bernard is at my shoulder whispering loudly. ‘What we going to do about this rogue guy who’s following us?’
Because so many people have reported it now, I can’t just ignore the fact that we are likely to be being followed.
Tye’s heard Bernard’s loud whisper. ‘I don’t normally agree with Uncle Bernard—’
‘I’m not your uncle. Can we get that straight?’ Bernard snaps.
Tye smiles. ‘Whatever. Cool your fizz, uncle. It ain’t no thing. Just affection.’
‘I feel no affection for you, you—’
Tye’s face sets as he must be anticipating the word ginger, but instead Bernard mutters, ‘—whippersnapper,’ and looks back at me. ‘So?’
I shrug. ‘We will do something when something presents itself to be done.’
‘Who do you think he is, boss?’ Tye asks.
‘Someone evil,’ Bernard interrupts.
Fitheach comes over, nodding wisely. ‘Evil indeed.’
I say, ‘My guess is that he’s a servant of the Evil One.’
Bernard rolls his eyes, apparently unimpressed at the depth of my insight but I continue. ‘And, they don’t know what our mission is, so they’re keen to find out. Given that we’re not just going to tell Satanus and his minions what we’re up to, my guess is that they’ve put this guy up to following us.’
Bernard says, ‘They must be guessing w
e’re going to Caer and King Arthur.’
I nod. ‘But they must also guess that there’s more to it than that, or else they would have just killed us.’ I survey my guys. Fitheach has a wan smile on his face, Bernard for some reason has a smudge of soot on his forehead, but I guess that’s pretty commonplace with alchemists and Tye is rocking from foot to foot in his leather boots like a hyperactive child. ‘So,’ I say. ‘We have a quest to undertake—’
Ned Ludd, who’s standing within earshot, mutters, ‘Damn straight.’
‘—And we can leave the shifty guy who’s following us until he becomes a problem, because going hunting for him now is merely going to be a distraction. Everyone is okay with that, right?’
‘I say we hunt him down and kill him.’ That was Fitheach.
I give a grunt. ‘Let’s just get moving.’
Fitheach nods and says, ‘Very well.’ I look at the others.
They nod, shuffle and mutter and I take all of that as agreement. ‘Mount up then, guys,’ I say and we make our way over to our horses. I put my iron-shod foot in Silver’s left stirrup and vault up. The worn leather of the saddle even creaks in welcome as I place my chain-mail butt down on it. The detail in this game never ceases to amaze me.
Fitheach is on Laireog. Bernard on Henry and Tye on Bessie.
I turn and wave at Ned Ludd who’s standing at the entrance to his cave watching with what I take to be pleasure, though you can’t tell.
We only get so far when Tye says, ‘We’re going to have to dismount.’
I nod. ‘Yes, the branches.’
‘But it was a good exit,’ Fitheach says.
Bernard nods. ‘Like cowboys going on the trail.’
We don’t speak until we come back to the charred ruin that was once the homely village of Clitheroe. Being clear of the woods now and onto a bigger road, we can remount the animals. I check my map from the saddle. The sky is blue with ragged clouds to the south and in the same direction the huge, foreboding mass that is Pendle Hill. It’s about six miles away which shouldn’t take us too long.
