Julianna knew J.R. wanted her to look him in the eyes, but she couldn't; not yet. "Yes, I believe you. I should have asked you instead of listening to Stacy, but I thought she was my friend, and she put on an Oscar-winning performance. Besides, I was just a dumb foster kid and it was pretty hard to believe you and I really had a future."
J.R. started to speak, but she stopped him.
"Anyway, that's not what this is about."
"Okay."
"I'm going to start talking, and I want you to wait until I'm done. It's going to be hard to get this out."
"I'm listening."
"This is about the summer. You were gone. You disappeared after graduation, presumably because of what I said, and Mama told me you were hurt and upset. She would only talk to me through the screen door. She didn't even invite me inside. I cried on the porch and told her what Stacy said, but she never wavered. She defended you; said you would never cheat on me. If you didn't want to see me anymore or if you wanted to see someone else, you would do the honorable thing and break it off with me first.
"I didn't see her again until about a month later. Earl and Maureen kicked me to the curb on my birthday in July. I was roaming the streets, looking for a place to hide from the cops and sleep when Deputy Clarke walked right up to me and scolded me for being out so late. When I explained what Earl and Maureen had done, he asked me if I had any friends I could stay with. You and Stacy had been my only friends forever. I couldn't even think of another name. I mentioned Mama. He called her—at two o'clock in the morning—and she said she would take me in for the night."
Julianna pinched her lips together and threw a glance at J.R. His expression was compassionate and understanding. He squeezed her hand, and it brought her a modicum of comfort.
"I remember sleeping in your room that night and dreaming about you, wondering where you were and what you were doing. Mama had told the whole town that you had gotten a job with a big construction company in Portland and how you were getting ready to go to college. She was so proud of you.
"Well, anyway, I'd been sick and the next morning, I was sick again. I thought I had food poisoning because my stomach was upset. But only in the mornings. By afternoon, I was able to go to my job at the store and didn't think about it again, until the next day." Julianna paused to see whether J.R. would catch on without her spelling it out, but true to his word, he waited, listening.
"Mama asked me if I had the flu, and I told her what I thought. She told me to call in to work sick and took me to see a doctor in Springhill. I think she knew what was wrong all along and was trying to save face; for both of us."
Julianna knew it was time to face J.R., literally and she turned, mirroring his position, but keeping their hands clasped. "Turns out I was...pregnant."
J.R. drew in a swift breath and his eyes widened with surprise. Julianna waited, but still, he said nothing.
"Mama told me to call you. But I couldn't. At that point, I still believed Stacy, and you were on your way to college. You had a great job with a big company. If you knew, you might have come home and all that would be lost. I promised her I would, but I didn't. I told her I wouldn't saddle you with a child at eighteen, before your life had even begun; when you were still reeling from your Dad's death. She suggested adoption, and I told her I would consider it.
"But I couldn't face this town pregnant. Everyone would know you were the father, and I was certain word would get back to you. Mama was mad at me. Every morning when I would heave into the toilet, she would hold my hair and tell me how I should call you and tell you. Time after time, I picked up the phone in the kitchen to call, but I couldn't bring my fingers to punch in the numbers.
"Rather than face Mama, I left. I hitched a ride out of town and planned to disappear. I got as far as Salem. I had about twenty-five dollars and no sense. Not cents as in money. No sense in my brain."
"Hey." J.R. spoke up, but Julianna lifted her finger to silence him.
"I got a job at a diner waiting tables and one night just before closing, I confided my condition to my co-worker, Deanna. She was a little rough around the edges, but to me she was sophisticated and worldly. She knew a lot more than I did, even though we were the same age. She offered me an alternative I hadn't considered until then."
Julianna paused. She thought her heart would beat right out of her chest. She drew her hands back and rubbed them down her jeans. She could no longer look J.R. in the eyes. She stared at her lap as she continued her story.
"Deanna loaned me the money I needed to make it all go away. She told me it would wipe the slate clean. She said I didn't have to be embarrassed or try to find an adoption agency. She said I could just walk away and start my life over. She made it sound so reasonable. No pain. No lifetime of living with a mistake. Her words lulled me into believing I could do this procedure and walk away free."
Julianna crumbled over her lap, willing the tears to wait until she was done. Yet one escaped and once that one got loose, others broke the barrier. J.R. didn't move to comfort her. He didn't try to hold her hand.
"You didn't," he whispered.
Between her sobs, Julianna continued, "Deanna lied to me. In my grief, I came back to Cooper Springs and got my old job back at the grocery store. I'd only been gone a little more than a week. I told everyone that I'd been to see a friend about a job, but it didn't work out. I went to see Mama and asked her if I could live in the trailer. She questioned me until I broke down told her what I had done. She didn't speak to me but let me live here. I rode your bike to work every day. She fed me every evening, but she wouldn't talk to me. Then, after five days, she told me the only way I could continue living here was if I took her to church every Sunday. She loaned me the money to buy my old beater car, and that's when I found God and let him into my heart."
Julianna prayed that mentioning God would turn her bombshell into a conversation about what she had discovered, but one look at J.R. and hope withered away.
"You got rid of it?"
She nodded.
"You killed my baby?"
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
J. R. stood and tried to pace down the narrow opening between the front and back of the trailer. The space that only minutes before seemed roomy and big enough for two now closed in on him, and he struggled to breathe. He headed for the door.
"J.R.?"
Julianna's tear-sodden voice stabbed him in whatever was left of his shattered heart. He paused in front of the door but didn't turn around.
"Just like that?" he whispered. "No pain? No lifetime mistake? You walked away free?" He reached for the door and pushed it open. "You disgust me."
"J.R.! Wait."
J.R. turned slowly to face the woman who aborted his child, not even trying to hide the contempt in his eyes. "I can't imagine what you could say now, Julianna."
"Deanna lied. I do feel pain. I didn't walk away free." Her voice choked from her tears.
"I can't even stand to look at you." His mind spun, his world turned out of control. Too many questions. How could Mama know and not tell him? How could Julianna think that was the right thing to do? How could Julianna stand herself?
"I know it was wrong!" she cried. "I know that now. And if I could undo it, I would." Her voice grew stronger and anger took the place of the tears. "I know it was wrong and I have to live with my decision every day for the rest of my life! Every. Day. Every day I think about it. And I pray every day to God for forgiveness. I may have been washed clean at my baptism, but I haven't forgotten. I live with the pain of my actions every moment."
Fire blazed from her watery eyes, but J.R. felt dead inside. As dead as his unborn child.
"Good," he muttered as he walked past the mud and guck to his truck. He climbed inside and without remembering the drive, he found himself at the Sutter's house. The outside porch light was on, but fortunately, it was dark inside. He tiptoed through the house to the basement, where he'd been sleeping on the family room hide-a-bed since the fire.
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br /> The following morning, J.R. schooled his expression as best he could before sitting down to breakfast. A sleepless night brought about a few decisions. The first was to let go of his life in Portland. Mama may be getting married, but she was his only family, and he wanted to be close to her. He started making a mental list of what had to happen, starting with assessing what it would take to bring the two projects currently underway to completion. He estimated it would take about a month, giving him time to break the lease on his apartment and move his things into storage.
He had already contacted a local contractor to begin the final demo on Mama's house. Once it was done, and with Mama living with her new husband—still a difficult pill to swallow—he would build a small cottage for himself and sell the farmhouse. In the meantime, he would relieve that woman—he couldn't bear to even think her name—of a place to live because he absolutely refused to allow her to stay in the trailer.
Eventually, he would explain it all to Mama and knew she would see his side. What that woman had done was inexcusable. He may have to live in the same town, but Cooper Springs was growing. And he had a feeling she wouldn't be sticking around anyway.
"Mama," he said as he poured a bowl of cereal. "I need to go back to Portland. I'm going to shut down my business there and start again here in Cooper Springs."
The elation on Sharon's face bought a small degree of comfort. "I'm glad J.R. I was hoping the two of you were finally getting serious."
J.R. swallowed the bile that leapt to his throat. Serious as a heart attack. "Don't get your hopes up, Mama. Th...Julianna said no. I'm not going to ask again."
"But I could have sworn you were wearing her down."
"Yeah, well, that's not the way I want to win a wife. Thank you very much."
"J.R.!"
"She made herself very clear last night. It's not going to happen."
"When are you leaving?"
"As soon as I finish eating. I've already got the demo scheduled for the farmhouse and there's nothing keeping me here." Once he dropped his bowl in the dishwasher, he kissed his mother on the cheek. "I'll be back for your wedding. I wouldn't miss that," he whispered.
An hour later, Cooper Springs and that woman were only a blip in J.R.'s rearview mirror. He made good time to Portland and made several calls on his way, setting up the next few weeks of work.
But J.R. met with obstacles at every turn. Subcontractors were on vacation, and the holidays prevented work from getting done. People he had worked with for years weren't answering his calls or texts, and he felt like he had driven coast to coast by the time he tracked everyone down. He talked to his landlord and agreed to stay until the end of November and pay the remainder of his lease, which would be up in January anyway. When he wasn't chasing down subs, he started packing and selling off some of his furniture. His late-attic/early-basement eclectic furnishings weren't worth taking home.
He worked until he couldn't see straight most days. The harder he worked, the easier it was to put that woman out of his mind. Only in the early hours of the morning, when he would awaken from a siren or a loud engine would he be overwhelmed with thoughts of her. In those quiet moments, he allowed himself to think of her as Junior and remember their childhood. Anything closer to now brought on a fresh wave of anger, and then he usually greeted the day with a scowl on his face, as everyone around him steered clear. Somehow, he needed to get her out of his head entirely.
Eventually, he realized that the problem wasn't getting her out of his head, it was getting her out of his heart.
When J.R. walked away and then left town the next day, Julianna figured she'd never see him again. And she didn't blame him. The relief she felt that he now knew the secret she had harbored for ten years somehow didn't balance the gaping hole she felt in her heart. A small part of her hoped he would see beyond the one horrible choice she'd made and find in his heart some understanding, but she wasn't surprised he didn't want to be with her anymore.
Sharon allowed Julianna to remain in the trailer, against J.R.'s wishes, and Julianna promised to keep an eye on the house and garage. Their stilted conversation pinched like a new pair of shoes.
Julianna headed to work. Charlie's might not be a pleasant way to spend her time, but at least it was a familiar one. Once she was set up at her cashier station, she watched John wander the aisles as had become his habit. The previous weeks of strange happenings distracted her while she went through the motions of checking out her customers, greeting everyone absentmindedly.
"Julianna," Mrs. Peterson said, "where is your head, girl?"
"Oh, sorry, Mrs. Peterson, I guess I was daydreaming."
"About a certain young man who came back to town?" she said with a twinkle in her elderly eyes.
Julianna blushed. Not for the reason Mrs. Peterson suspected but because she usually didn't lose her focus. "He left town again, Mrs. Peterson. Nothing's going to happen on that front."
Mrs. Peterson's smile slipped a little. "Well, he'll be back for Sharon's wedding. Don't let that opportunity slip away, girl!"
Julianna couldn't fault the woman who had taught her to read and write in grade school. "I'll work on that," she promised, with no intention of following through. She had exposed enough of herself. She had a little pride left.
Mrs. Peterson nodded her head as she pushed her cart of groceries out the door, and Julianna straightened up and greeted her next customer with a lot more enthusiasm.
By lunchtime, Julianna was looking forward to a break. Bobby came over with his drawer.
"You ready for lunch?" he asked.
"You bet." She turned in her drawer and walked back to the employees' lounge where she kept her purse. After a quick run across the street to grab a hamburger and fries, she sat down in the lunchroom behind the receiving dock to eat.
John came in, took a lunch bag from the refrigerator, and sat down at the same table.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" he asked.
Julianna shook her head.
"Do you do social media, Julianna?"
Hiding her surprise at such a strange question, Julianna shook her head as she took a bite of her hamburger. "I don't have a computer or a smart phone. I never felt the need."
"Oh," was his unenlightening response.
Julianna couldn't keep her curiosity at bay. "We have the old-fashioned kind of social media in Cooper Springs: Edna Mae Gilbert. You give Edna a tidbit of anything, and Cooper Springs will be informed within hours, maybe sooner." She laughed sadly. That's how everyone knew Stacy's latest ex-husband became an ex. Julianna wondered if she simply roamed the town listening in on everyone's conversations.
John dropped a hollow laugh of his own. "That must be why I received a friend request from her. I don't even know her, but she wants to be my friend on Facebook."
"Edna is everyone's friend. That's how she gets her information. She isn't malicious, she just likes to know what's going on and can't keep her mouth shut. I bet her Facebook page is a thing of social beauty," Julianna said, with a smile. "If you want to know what's going on in town, accept her request. But be careful about your posts and what you tell her in person."
"Well, I'll think about it." John turned his attention to his own lunch.
Julianna finished her sandwich, brushed her hands down her jeans, and stood up. "I’m ready to retrieve my drawer, John."
Making her way to the front of the store, she noticed Brad Taylor's wife, Anita, approaching with a brown lunch bag in her hands. She looked a little down, and Julianna waved hello. But Anita didn't respond, and Julianna watched her head for Brad's office. Julianna wasn't surprised by the brown bag. Brad always ate lunch at his desk. Anita usually delivered it just before noon, but she knew for a fact that Brad was not in his office today. She had seen him leave the store just before she dashed across the street. She wanted to stop and speak to Anita, letting her know Brad wasn't there, but that little voice pulled her back. Anita disappeared around the corner and Julianna got caught u
p in the afternoon crowd.
Days went by and Julianna worked her way into her previous routine, except for dinners with Mama. She missed their time together and wanted to help with the wedding plans, but the rift between her and J.R. bled into her relationship with Mama, and she didn't want to risk J.R.'s newly healed ties with his mom. Sharon had plenty of help from the ladies at church, anyway.
When the demo guys finished cleaning up the fire site and the foundation was ready for construction to begin again, Julianna allowed her heart to hope J.R. would return to oversee the new build. But a local contractor's trucks filled the driveway when she left for work two weeks after the clean-up and there was no sign of J.R. It was one more disappointment, one more stab in her heart. Julianna used the store computer on her lunch breaks to search for housing.
On one such day, when she returned to her station after finding nothing within thirty miles of Cooper Springs, she noticed Bobby fairly jumping out of his skin at the checkout stand.
"What's with you?" she asked, opening her drawer and dropping her key into her apron pocket.
"Haven't you heard?"
"Heard what?"
"It's all over Facebook. Edna Mae posted a video of Mr. Taylor and Stacy Grant."
"Doing what?"
"You know," he said, his face turning a colorful shade of red. "Like I told you before."
Julianna thought for a minute. "Oh, you mean a lap dance?"
"Uh huh," he smiled. You don't see anything too clearly, but there's no mistaking what's going on."
Julianna looked around at the mostly empty store. "Let me see."
Bobby pulled out his phone and tapped on it until he brought the video up. He gave the phone to Julianna and she turned off her light for a minute while she watched. There in all her glory, was Stacy giving Brad a pretty good imitation of a pony ride. Julianna gave Bobby back his phone; her lips tight. She might have grown up not learning much and she might have given herself to a boy before she should, but she didn't think it was funny, interesting, or entertaining. "It's disgusting."
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