Shivers shook his head. “This guy doesn’t care about the Pirate Code at all! Rule number fourteen is: Don’t disturb the coral!”
In the corner of the room was a large wooden chest of drawers. And every single drawer was secured with a heavy metal lock.
“Jackpot,” Margo said with a grin. She turned to Shivers and held up the silver key. “The key has to unlock one of those drawers. I’m going to get to work. You stand guard.”
Shivers put his hands on his hips. “Do you mind if I sit guard? I’m really tired.”
But just then, they heard heavy footsteps approaching.
“Captain Crook!” Shivers gasped.
“Hide!” Margo whispered.
Margo and Shivers darted out of the room and ducked into a closet across the hall. They closed the door behind them just as the footsteps entered the hallway.
In the dim light streaming through the porthole, Shivers could see that they were inside a supply closet. The walls were lined with jars full of jellies and jams, grains, sweets, and salted meats. The whole place smelled like rotting tuna.
On the floor was a giant barrel that said EXTRA-EXTRA-LARGE FISH FLAKES.
“What are those for?” Shivers whispered as quietly as he possibly could.
“I don’t know, but it’s making me hungry,” said Albee.
Margo held a finger to her lips. She froze, trying not to make a sound as the footsteps walked past Captain Crook’s quarters and stopped right outside the supply closet. As the knob began to turn, Shivers hoped this was all a terrible nightmare and it was time to wake up. Margo just hoped that the baloney on her face looked enough like a real eye patch to fool a real pirate.
THE DOOR TO THE closet swung open. But it wasn’t Captain Crook standing in the doorway. It was a man Shivers and Margo had never seen before. He had black stringy hair and a wispy goatee.
“AAAGH!” Shivers screamed.
“AAAGH!” the man screamed back.
“AHOY!” Margo shouted, trying to cover their tracks.
The man eyed them suspiciously. “What are you doin’ in here?”
“Um . . . We be lookin’ for a snack before the big attack!” said Margo.
The man grinned, revealing a mouthful of splintery wooden teeth. “You must be new recruits. I’m the ship’s cook.” He extended a filthy hand. “Everyone calls me Weasel.”
Shivers grimaced. “That’s a weird nickname.”
“Well, my real name’s Ship Scum Jr., so I don’t really mind.”
Shivers shook Weasel’s hand. Actually, he just grabbed it, but because he was shivering so much, it felt like a handshake.
“You’re late for tea!” Weasel collected a few murky jars from the shelves. “Follow me. The rest of the crew is below deck. I’ll introduce you to the bloodthirsty horde.”
Margo desperately wanted to get back into the captain’s quarters so she could try the key in the locks. “We—we don’t have time,” she sputtered.
“Nonsense! We’ve got all the time in the world! We’re all just bobbin’ here until we get the order to attack. Cap’n Crook and that foul-mouthed Spitball be drawin’ up the plans as we speak.” Weasel narrowed his eyes at Shivers and Margo. “You wouldn’t be doin’ anything without orders from the cap’n, would you?”
Shivers and Margo shook their heads frantically.
“I thought not,” said Weasel.
Seeing no other choice, they followed Weasel down the hall toward a narrow staircase. Shivers lagged behind Margo, gripping Albee’s bag and trying his best not to scream his brains out.
As they rounded the corner, Shivers tapped Margo on the shoulder and whispered, “This might come as a surprise to you, but I’m very scared right now! How am I supposed to blend in with a brutal pack of pirates?!”
Margo whispered back, “Just say the scariest thing that comes to mind.”
Shivers thought for a moment. “When a butterfly is born, it starts out as a gross, hairy worm!”
“On second thought, say the opposite of what comes to mind.”
“Okay . . .” He took a deep breath. “This is a great idea, and nothing can possibly go wrong.”
They descended the stairs, and at the bottom, they found themselves in a dank, windowless room. The walls were covered in rusted swords, and a tangle of mossy fishing nets hung from the ceiling. A chandelier of sagging wax candles cast a sickly yellow light throughout the room. The entire place was packed with pirates shouting at each other, arm wrestling, and arguing over who had the sharpest hook. Many of them had surly parrots on their shoulders, preening, squawking, and pooping everywhere. There was even live music, but that turned out to be just one pirate in the corner playing a wooden spoon on his wooden leg.
“Welcome to the Harpoon Saloon,” Weasel said with a smile. “At least that’s what I call it. Everyone else calls it ‘Weasel’s gross basement.’” He pulled a splinter from his teeth and flicked it to the floor. “LISTEN UP!”
The pirates fell silent and stared at Shivers and Margo.
“We’ve got two new villainous recruits joinin’ our ranks! They’re ready to rip up the Pirate Code and wipe out every soul on the Eastern Seaboard!” Weasel bellowed.
The pirates grunted their approval and rapped their rocky knuckles on the tables.
Margo spoke up in her snarliest voice. “The name be MAAAAARRRG-O! Slaughterer of squids!”
The crew stomped their feet and cheered.
Then Shivers cleared his throat and whimpered, “And I’m Shivers! The pirate who’s . . . afraid of nothing!”
The man with the wooden leg hoisted himself up, looking suspiciously at Shivers’s feet. “What’s with them slippers?” he growled.
What isn’t with these slippers? Shivers thought. He loved bunnies, he loved soft shoes, and these were easily the trendiest fashion choice he’d made all year! But he stuck with Margo’s advice.
“These are two rabid rabbits that I killed and stuffed . . . with my feet!” he said, raising his arm in the air.
The pirates looked around at each other, nodding enthusiastically. Even Margo was stunned.
But the man with the wooden leg still wasn’t convinced. “Where’s yer parrot?” he sneered.
Shivers hated parrots. His parents had once given him a parrot. Every time he screamed, the parrot screamed right back. Then he would scream again, and the parrot would scream again. It ended up being ten days of straight screaming. It was a dark time. Shivers knew he couldn’t tell these pirates that.
“I ate my parrot!” he blurted out.
The whole crowd gasped.
Then Shivers held up Albee. “That’s why I got this fish! Because he never talks back.”
“Never!” said Albee, but his sarcasm was lost on the room.
Everyone looked at Shivers with quiet respect, wondering where this tough pirate had come from, and whether they should consider getting fish for pets.
The pirates heard the sound of footsteps descending the stairs, and they fell silent. Captain Crook stepped into view. In the dusty light, he was even more terrifying than Shivers had remembered. His long blood-red pirate coat draped behind him like a shadow. The keys on the chain around his neck clinked against each other like bones. Spitball was right behind him. Her hair looked like a bird’s nest had exploded on top of her head, and when she smiled, Shivers shuddered at the sight of her missing front teeth.
“Cap’n Crook!” Weasel exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were coming. Let me pour you some tea!” He sloshed some sludgy green liquid into a copper cup.
As Weasel handed Captain Crook his tea, Shivers and Margo slunk to the back of the room and slouched down in a shadowy corner so they wouldn’t be seen.
Captain Crook cleared his throat. “My fellow scalawags! The time be nearin’ for us to start our gruesome attack on the landlubbin’ fools of New Jersey.”
The pirates grunted their approval. Shivers could see Margo’s ears getting red with anger. Weasel wove his way thro
ugh the room, serving tea. He handed Shivers and Margo two slime-filled cups.
Captain Crook continued, “We’ll finally free ourselves from the shackles of the Pirate Code and take our place in history as the roughest, toughest crew on the face of the earth!”
“Hear, hear!” the pirates cheered.
“Our ship is stocked with swords so sharp you could cut a man’s head off twice before he even noticed. Our crew be horrid and hideous, not a trustworthy one of you in the bunch!”
Spitball stepped forward and spat on the ground. “And Janet has never been hungrier!” she bellowed, her piercing voice scratching the walls like glass.
The pirates leaped to their feet. They roared with excitement, shook their hooks, and stomped their feet.
Shivers turned to Margo and whispered, “Who is Janet?”
But Margo didn’t have an answer.
Captain Crook raised his drink in the air and roared, “Those ignorant landlubbers won’t see us coming until we string them up by their belt loops!”
Margo was growing more enraged by the second.
A round pirate whose coat buttons were almost bursting leaped up from her chair and bellowed, “We’ll shake ’em till their eyeballs rattle and gold falls from their pockets!”
The pirate with the wooden leg clanked his spoon. “I’ll finally get to replace my wooden leg with a real human leg!”
Weasel jumped up on a table and shouted, “To Cap’n Crook!”
The pirates repeated at a fever pitch, “To Captain Crook!” Then everyone took big gulps from their cups.
Margo whispered to Shivers, “Let’s drink this tea and get out of here!”
They drained their cups in one quick slurp, and their mouths were filled with a thick salty bitterness that crawled down their throats like a wet bug.
Margo gritted her raisin-covered teeth.
“What kind of tea is this?” Shivers shuddered.
“Two parts algae, one part ship sludge; blend with boiled barnacles, and add a dash of love,” Weasel said proudly. “I call it Sea Tea!”
As soon as Shivers heard those words, the boiled brew sitting inside his stomach became a supercharged slew of slush and immediately spewed itself straight up and out of his mouth. It flew across the room, splashing and splattering everywhere.
Captain Crook picked a string of algae off his eye patch. “I’ve only met one pirate who gets seasick before.” He marched over to the dark corner. “Shivers the Pirate Who’s Afraid of Everything.” He yanked the baloney eye patch right off Margo’s face. “And his little friend, Margo.”
Spitball gasped.
The pirate with the wooden leg shot up from his chair. “What?! You said your names were Shivers the Pirate Who’s Afraid of Nothing and MAAAAARRRG-O! I’ve never felt so lied to before in me life!”
“These aren’t real pirates,” Captain Crook announced. “They’re imposters!”
The crew drew their rusty blades from their belts and pointed them at Shivers and Margo. Shivers let out a long, low wheeze. Margo knew there was a scream deep down in there that was too scared to come out.
Captain Crook narrowed his eyes and widened his nostrils. “Now what in a squid’s name are you doing on my ship?”
Margo was at the end of her rope. She balled up her fists, stood up as tall as she could, and said, “We’re here to stop you from attacking the innocent people of New Jersey!”
“You? Stop me?” Captain Crook let out a low chuckle like a frog choking.
Margo continued, “Why are you attacking the land, anyway?”
Captain Crook smiled. “Because it’ll be so easy. People don’t know how to fight. They’re nothing but a bunch of soda-slurpin’, soft-bellied, land-livin’ lumps.” He pointed at Shivers. “And scaredy-cats.”
Shivers held up his hand. “I’ll admit, I am scared of cats.”
Captain Crook began pacing back and forth. “As soon as my crew gets their hooks and hands on the unsuspecting beach biscuits that live in New Jersey, we’ll shake ’em out like dusty rugs and take everything they’ve got . . . like this!”
Captain Crook snapped his fingers. Spitball lunged at Shivers, grabbed him by his bunny slippers, and turned him upside down, cackling like a crow at a comedy show.
Shivers screamed, gripping Albee’s bag tightly so he wouldn’t drop him.
As Spitball shook Shivers, a cascade of clutter came clattering down from his coat pockets onto the rotting wood floor. There was a plastic spoon, two deflated floaties, four popcorn kernels, and either some pillow stuffing or some old marshmallows—it was hard to tell.
But Captain Crook was fixated on the folded piece of paper that came fluttering down last. He picked it up. “What have we here? ‘Cheese Curd Night.’”
It was the flyer that Police Chief Clomps’n’ Stomps had given to Shivers earlier that day. As Captain Crook’s eyes skimmed the rest of the page, his smile grew so wide that Shivers could see the seaweed stuck between his teeth. Captain Crook held the flyer high above his head and turned to his crew. “This is the opportunity we’ve been waiting for! All of New Jersey will be gathered on this pier, their mouths so stuffed with stringy cheese they won’t even be able to scream when they see us! We attack tonight!”
The entire crew cheered and banged their copper mugs on the tables in agreement.
Margo’s stomach sank like a sock full of rocks. Spitball dropped Shivers to the ground.
“Ouch!” Shivers cried as he landed feathered-pirate-cap-first.
“I’m sorry,” Captain Crook said with a sneer. “Where are my manners?”
“I’ve been wondering that all day,” Shivers groaned.
“As a thank-you for this most valuable information, let’s introduce our new friends to Janet.”
“Who is Janet?!” Shivers asked for the second time.
“Better seen than said,” Captain Crook replied. “Tie ’em up and walk ’em to the plank!”
“Uh, never mind! I don’t need to know who Janet is!” said Shivers.
But he didn’t have a choice. Spitball tied his hands behind his back while Weasel seized Margo. They led them up to the deck. The rest of the crew followed, falling over each other with excitement.
Spitball and Weasel shoved Shivers and Margo onto a wooden plank that stretched out from the edge of the ship.
Captain Crook pulled a sword from his belt and growled, “Simon says walk.”
Margo scowled at him. “I hate that game.”
“It’s not a game!” Captain Crook shouted. “My first name is Simon. Now, go!”
Shivers and Margo edged out onto the plank.
Shivers’s teeth chattered with terror. “Margo, what are we going to do?! This is the only time when running away from our problems would make the situation worse!”
But Margo didn’t have an answer. There was no choice but to put one foot in front of the other until they reached the end of the plank.
Captain Crook let out a piercing whistle, then shouted, “Oh, Janet! Snack time!”
Albee grimaced. “I don’t like the sound of that.”
Shivers and Margo looked down at the churning waves. Just below the frothy surface they saw a pale-green blur. Then, suddenly, a giant beast sprang out of the water with an ear-shattering screech. It had teeth like sharpened traffic cones; a wide, flat head; and a long, scaly neck. Thrashing its broad flippers against the water with the force of a thousand belly flops, it snapped its jaw just inches from Shivers’s and Margo’s toes.
Shivers screamed with all the strength his little lungs could muster,
THE SEA MONSTER REARED its head, looking as hungry as Shivers did every morning before breakfast. The pirate crew hollered and cheered and drooled with anticipation. They slapped each other on the back—which really hurt for the ones who got slapped with hooks.
Captain Crook called down to the monster, “Janet! I brought you some appetizers before tonight’s main course!”
Janet opened her mouth wi
de. Slobber dotted her sharp teeth.
Margo looked at Shivers. “I’m sorry I got us into this mess.”
Shivers looked back at her. “Deep down I always knew I’d be eaten by a sea monster.”
“It’s a fish-eat-fish world,” said Albee.
Captain Crook leaped onto the plank, a dastardly grin smeared across his unpleasant face. He held out his rusty sword at arm’s length. “It’s called walking the plank, not talking the plank! Now get moving!”
Shivers and Margo began to take their last step, when Spitball’s high-pitched screech cut through the air. “WAIT!”
Captain Crook looked back at her. “What say you, Spitball? This better be good.”
“On the contrary, Captain! It’s evil!” said Spitball.
“Oh! Then, go right ahead!” said Captain Crook.
“Well, sir, it just entered my foul-minded brain that instead of feeding them to Janet now, ye could feed them to Janet later.”
Captain Crook raised his eyebrow. “Why would I do that?”
“Wouldn’t it be more evil to make them watch their whole town get gobbled up and then get eaten themselves?” she spat on the deck.
“Ah,” said Captain Crook, stroking his chin. “Dessert instead of appetizers. What a horribly wonderful idea! Spitball, you get a raise! And by that I mean you get to raise the sails on our way to New Jersey!”
Weasel ran onto the plank. He grabbed Shivers, Margo, and Albee and hauled them away. He threw them into the dark closet where he’d first found them and shouted, “Don’t even think about eating any of my jams!” Then he slammed the door.
Margo leaped up and pulled on the door, but it was no use. It was locked tight.
Shivers curled up into a ball, too scared to even string a sentence together. “Monster! . . . Big teeth! . . . Gonna die! . . . AAAAAGHH!”
“Shivers, we’re not going to die,” said Margo.
“You mean we’re going to get eaten by a sea monster and live?! That’s even worse!”
“We’re not going to get eaten. We’re going to make it out of here.”
“How?!”
The Pirate Who's More Terrified than Ever Page 6
