by Todd Young
So now he had that on his mind as well as his father.
Susen was still smiling, her eyes downcast now.
“Do you think I’m funny?” he said.
She shook her head, her smile faltering.
He asked her if she wanted a drink.
“No, but I’d like to dance again.”
“Can I have another one first?”
“Sure.”
He raised his hand for the waiter and then realized he hadn’t eaten. He asked her if she wanted something, but she said no. He ordered some fries for himself and she tossed her head.
“Sorry. But I’ve been at work all day.”
She lowered her eyes and opened her handbag. After looking into it for a few moments, she closed it again. She looked up and smiled brightly, her entire demeanor altered. “I wasn’t being rude.”
He frowned.
“When I was smiling.”
It occurred to him he could steer the conversation toward a break-up. But he wasn’t sure if he could handle that sort of emotional drama right now. He decided he couldn’t.
“I was thinking how great you look. In your suit. I never saw you dress like that before.”
“No. It’s new.”
“You look great.”
The drink came and then the fries. She asked if she could have a couple and he nodded. She leaned forward, took a single fry and nibbled on the end of it. She watched him eat for a few minutes. Then took another fry and leaned back.
“How’s journalism?”
“Fine.”
“Anything big going on?”
“Just this thing with Taylor.”
“You think he might win?”
Riley shrugged.
Silence for a few moments, and then she said, “What did you say your father did again?”
He swallowed awkwardly and stared at her. “My father?”
She nodded.
After what he’d discovered today, it seemed strange for her to be asking. But perhaps it was simply coincidence. It had to be. “He’s an administrator.”
“And your mother?”
He winced. “I told you.”
“Oh — yeah. Sorry.” She was silent for a moment. “Have you heard anything?”
He shook his head, chewing, his mouth full of potato. He furrowed his brows at her.
“And your dad works for the CPF? Is that right?”
He nodded slowly. Why the hell was she asking?
Their eyes met. She looked at him steadily for a moment. Then she turned away and glanced brightly around the club.
He finished the fries and asked her if she’d liked to dance again. She smiled and nodded and he led her toward the floor. But as they stepped onto it she slipped and stumbled and then fell. His hand was in hers and she took him with her. She landed on her back. He fell onto her knee. It caught him in the groin and he winced. She kept her knee bent, so he was balanced precariously, and then began to laugh, grinning at him.
18
As he was coming up the stairs, Riley heard music. It sounded as though Theo had the radio on. Then he opened the apartment door and heard him singing. The radio was playing quietly in the background. It was a love song, another that was popular at the moment. Theo’s voice travelled down the hall, extraordinarily clean and pure, as innocent as the voice of a choirboy. He closed the door quietly and felt his skin prickle. Ahead, the lights in the living room had been turned down low, and he could see Theo’s shadow on the carpet. He listened a little longer and felt a lump forming in his throat.
Do you see me?
All my being?
When I’m alone at night and you’re still dreaming?
Do you see me?
Do you feel me?
A river crossed, a stone that’s thrown,
You’re leaving,
All my being.
He stepped forward slowly and the room widened into view. Theo had his back to the door. Creig was sitting in an armchair and Theo was standing, facing him. Riley was surprised to see Creig home so early and wondered how the hell this had started.
Creig caught sight of him and lifted his head. Theo turned, smiled fleetingly, took a breath, and then moved into the next verse, his eyes locked on Riley’s.
Are you feeling?
Are we alone at night?
Are you still dreaming?
Do you seee me?
All my being.
The song finished. Theo blushed and smiled wanly. Riley felt like hugging him. The song was stupid, but he’d never heard anyone sing so beautifully in his life. He didn’t feel as though he could draw his eyes away from Theo’s.
But Creig stood up and clapped, breaking the trance. “How’s that? Is he a professional, or what?”
“You been having lessons?”
Theo nodded. He looked impossibly abashed. Riley wondered if he really had been having lessons. He couldn’t imagine he would have been. He’d only said it for Creig’s benefit.
“He’s been dancing too,” Creig said.
Riley blinked.
“He said you were out dancing with some girl, and then asked me if I wanted to see him dance.”
Hell, Riley thought.
“Show him, Theo.”
The radio had moved on to another song, though this was more of a dance song than a love song. Theo started swaying to it. And then, as the tempo picked up, began to shake his arms and legs. He twisted his hips and shoulders back and forth. His movements were so odd, so utterly unlike anything Riley had ever seen before, that all he could do was simply stare.
Then Theo moved toward him and took his hands and they began to dance together. Theo twisted from side to side, pulling one hand and then the other. He was bobbing his head and twisting his hips. He lifted a knee, and then the other knee, and Riley got the feeling that this was some sort of natural response to music, perhaps from someone who’d rarely heard it. Theo’s eyes were lit brightly. He smiled at Riley, and then grinned, and Riley took a deep breath, his mouth opening with a sudden smile as he got into the rhythm.
Within a matter of moments, they seemed to have fallen into some sort of gesture and response pattern. Each time Theo moved forward, he moved back. Every time Theo turned his shoulders one way, he turned them the other. They were nodding at one another and smiling. Without thinking, he reached forward and put his hands on Theo’s hips. Theo gripped his elbows, and then they were really dancing, dipping toward one another and away again, turning one way and then the other. It was as though his reflection had stepped out of the mirror and joined him for a dance. All night he’d been annoyed by Susen’s ineptness, and now, suddenly, he was having fun. He was more than a little drunk, and soon they were very close to one another. Theo’s hands were on his chest. The song finished. His eyes were locked on Theo’s, and then, as though he’d just dived into cold water, he remembered Creig.
He lifted his eyes to him and at the same time stepped away from Theo. Creig looked confused and maybe even a little angry. He was glancing from one to the other of them. Then he said, “Is that brotherly love?” His tone was derisive.
Riley nodded, at a loss.
Theo looked from Creig to Riley and back again. “We are brothers.”
“Yeah. I can see that. You’re very close, though, aren’t you?” He said this to Theo, as though he was angry at him, in particular. It was almost as though he was jealous.
“We used to dance together when we were kids,” Riley said. He swung his arms, feeling awkward, and then that damned butterfly song started up. He crossed the room and turned the radio off. When he turned back, Creig and Theo were staring at one another. Creig had his hands on his hips.
“You want to dance together?” Theo asked him.
Creig shook his head slowly from side to side, his expression grim. “You’re a real weirdo, Theo. You know that?”
Theo nodded, his mouth hanging open, a dumb expression on his face. But Riley could see he’d been hurt. He turned to Riley and there were tears in his
eyes. It struck him how utterly out of his depth he was, how far this situation must be from anything he’d ever known. He felt like taking him in his arms and comforting him.
But said, “He had a strange upbringing. Our mother … she homeschooled him. He doesn’t really get a lot of things. Not social stuff.”
Creig lifted his eyebrows at Theo and relaxed a little. He glanced at Riley, then turned back to Theo. “Sorry,” he said, his voice low. “I didn’t … Hell, I’m sorry, Theo.”
Theo pressed the heel of one hand and then the other against his eyes. He nodded and wandered into the bedroom, out of sight.
Creig grimaced in apology. He mouthed, “Sorry,” and Riley nodded.
“What happened to the game?” he said.
“Cancelled.” They looked at one another steadily. “I’m going out again in a moment.” He glanced at his watch, said, “Now, actually,” and then crossed to Riley’s bedroom. He leaned in, one hand on the doorjamb. “See you in the morning, Theo.”
“Yeah. Sure.” Theo’s voice was quiet, hurt.
Creig slapped the jamb, grimaced at Riley again. He walked into the hall, put his coat on and left.
Riley took a deep breath, then closed his eyes and shook his head. That had been a stupid thing to do, dancing with Theo like that. He was drunk and he’d got carried away. Anyone watching would have been able to see what was going on. Even as Creig was putting on his coat, he’d been thinking it over. The entire dynamic had shifted in those few moments afterwards. Creig might have said sorry, but he still thought something was off.
Or did he?
“Hell,” Riley said.
He loosened his tie and walked into the bedroom. Theo was sitting on the bed, his head lowered. Riley sat next to him, put an arm over his shoulder, and Theo crumpled inwards. He put both arms around him and kissed his hair.
“I love you, Theo.”
Theo began sobbing. He gripped him tight and sobbed. Riley nuzzled his face into his hair, strands of it tickling his nose, his pine scented shampoo oddly familiar and comforting.
“Am I a weirdo?” Theo muttered.
“You’re wonderful.” He took a breath. “I love you.” It was impossible to deny it now.
Theo nodded and then lifted his head. His face was tear-stained and they were so close they were breathing one another’s breath. They began to kiss, gently at first, a series of pecks that morphed into a long, deep, passionate kiss. When they parted, Theo’s lips were swollen.
They flopped backwards onto the bed and stared at one another. Riley’s cock was hard. It was trapped awkwardly and he was tired of the suit, tired of the stiff shoes and the suspenders and the jacket cutting him under the arms.
He lifted his hand to Theo’s face and brushed his thumb under one eye, brushing a tear away. He put his thumb in his mouth, sucked it, and then did the same on the other side. Theo smiled. He gripped Riley’s waist and pulled them together. They kissed again, softly and slowly. Their lips and tongues seemed to softly coalesce, till Riley couldn’t tell what was what, where his mouth began and ended. Almost as though Theo was part of him. It was warm and friendly, and when they’d finished they lay, their faces an inch apart, smiling into each other’s eyes.
“Are we going to be together forever?” Theo said.
“That’s not possible.”
“Why not?”
Riley turned it over for a moment. He’d told himself years ago that he could never have what he wanted. He could never have the love he craved. But if everyone thought Theo was his brother, then why not? If they kept it quiet. If they were careful.
“We could live together,” Theo said.
Riley nodded slowly.
“Everyone thinks we’re brothers.”
“Yeah, well, maybe.” It was a new thought, and his voice lifted with the promise of it. Right at the moment, Creig was in the way. But if Creig moved out, or they moved somewhere else. Hell, two brothers could live together for years, all their lives. Everything might work out fine for him after all.
He turned onto his back, adjusted his balls, and put his hands behind his head, thinking of it. He pictured Theo and himself in a house somewhere, somewhere sunny, maybe even California. They could be together every day, always. All they needed was privacy.
Theo rolled on top of him, kissed him again, and then hung over him. He’d slid one knee between Riley’s thighs, and his erection was hard against Riley’s hip. He grinned, and then reached for Riley’s cock. He squeezed it, felt it from the base to the tip and back again, and Riley closed his eyes.
“It feels just like mine,” Theo said.
“I’m sure it is. Exactly the same.”
“Can I see it?”
Riley jittered his legs, pushed Theo away, and then got up. “Not now, huh?”
Theo pouted.
“I don’t want to … spoil the feeling.” He beat his fist on his chest. “I feel … I love you, do you understand that?”
“I love you.”
Riley nodded.
Theo got up and they embraced.
And then, because Theo said he was hungry, Riley ordered some takeout, some Indian food. They sat in the living room and ate it, talking all kinds of nonsense. Theo was in a mischievous mood, and for a while, Riley forgot all about his father and what had happened today. Then, as it occurred to him again, he decided he’d have to go and talk to Marlow about it. He could call him, but it wouldn’t be the same. He needed to see him in person, and he needed to find some time this weekend to do that.
Theo was eating as though he hadn’t seen food for weeks.
“Didn’t you eat anything at all today?”
“Some milk and some bread and some cheese.” He put a poppadum in his mouth and smiled as he crunched on it. “But that was hours ago.” He swallowed. “I like this food.”
Riley smiled. “It’s Indian.”
“So you said.” He took a sip of cola. “Are you going to let me stick my penis into your bottom tonight?”
Riley chuckled. “Are you going to let me?”
Theo shrugged loosely, as though it didn’t matter at all. “If you want.” Then he grinned, his eyes dancing with light.
Riley wasn’t sure he wanted to do anything, and he said this. “Can’t we just hold each other?”
“That doesn’t sound very in-ter-est-ing.”
“Maybe tomorrow night I could fuck you.”
Theo made a shocked face. “Oh! Bad word.”
Riley felt like hugging him again, but he leaned back into the armchair and put his hands behind his head, thinking how good this was, how good everything suddenly was, except for this thing with his father, and maybe Creig. And whatever the hell Erran had been talking about. This thing about Theo being special. If he could solve that problem, talk to his father, and if Theo and he could get away together somehow, maybe a long, long way away, then his life was definitely looking up. His prospects were better than they’d ever been.
His watch rang and he felt a vague wash of fear. He had no idea why, but it unsettled him. He straightened up, glanced at the screen and frowned. Once again it read unknown caller. He answered it and watched as a figure flickered before him. It was there for an instant and then gone, but it had definitely been a woman, a woman with pale hair.
“That was the lady again,” Theo said.
Riley nodded, staring at the space where the hologram had sat. He waited, thinking it might ring again, and at the same time felt as though there’d been something familiar about the image. For some reason he was reminded of his mother, and as soon as he’d thought this he was sure it had been her. Then he told himself to stop being so silly. After all these years she’d hardly just call him. If it were that simple, wherever she was, then wouldn’t she have done it before now?
“She looks nice,” Theo said.
“Did you see her?”
He nodded. “She looks like you.”
19
Theo took a shower.
Riley sat on in the living room, thinking of his mother and hoping she’d call again. If it had been her.
When he was very young she used to comb his hair. The brush was soft, the light behind her made a fuzz of her hair. All he could remember were a few disjointed phrases. “You know your mummy loves you.” “Who’s the prince of beautiful boys?” “Give me a kiss now.” At night, she’d read him a story, and he’d lie in bed, gazing at her face.
When the shower stopped, he realized he was crying and he brushed the tears away. He straightened up, turned the 3TV on, but turned it off again. Theo didn’t come out for a few minutes. Riley wondered what he was doing, turned toward the bedroom and saw him hanging the suit up. It looked as though he was naked, but as he turned toward the living room, Riley realized he was wearing a thong, the one with the green and orange target on the cup.
His body looked fantastic. He stepped out of the bedroom and all Riley could do was stare. Theo was so totally comfortable, his figure lanky, his hands swinging carelessly, as though he was walking along the street. His thighs stretched all the way to his hips, the bulges and curves mesmerizing. He bent over the coffee table, his body in profile, and popped a poppadum into his mouth. He crunched on it and took another, apparently unaware of Riley. The line from the bulge of his butt to the curve at the back of his thigh was as pleasing as the stroke of a master artist. Riley ran his eyes along it time and again, and then all the way up to Theo’s neck and down again to his ankles. He wished Theo would turn back on. Then he did. He turned, bent forward to brush something casually from his thigh, and walked back into the bedroom. Riley watched every second of it, his eyes hungry. Theo’s legs stretched all the way up and into the cleft of his ass, his ass shockingly bare, rounded, firm, jouncing, defying gravity.
Riley’s cock got hard and he turned away as Theo disappeared. With a jolt it occurred to him that that was his body, that he would look exactly like that from behind. He’d been staring at Theo as though he was someone else entirely. But now, as it occurred to him, he jerked his thumb toward his chest and said, “Me!” jokingly, his eyebrows raised. It seemed somehow impossible that he could in fact be that attractive. But he must be. He’d always known everything was in the right place, but he’d never been able to see what people were going on about when they told him he was beautiful. It had been happening all his life. Thank God he hadn’t, he thought. He would have been insufferably vain. Or more likely would have wanted to hide. He often felt uncomfortable at the pool, naked, but now, realizing he must look just like that, he wondered what others were thinking.
