was hard being like this. At any moment, Tia would need to move away or
kiss Carina. Just the thought burned a path down to her core.
“Tia…” Carina whispered through a heavy breath. Chills ran up Tia’s
arms from the way Carina said her name. She twisted to face Tia, staring
into her eyes and slowly drifting down to her lips. Carina licked her own,
leaning in closer.
The thought of kissing Carina caused wetness to fill between Tia’s
legs for the first time. Before she lost restraint, Tia closed her eyes. “We
can’t,” she whimpered, hating her own words.
“You think this is easy for me?” Carina asked, frustrated and ready to
breakdown. “I feel like I just lost him yesterday. You were his best friend. I
never thought I’d feel again.” Carina shook her head and hid her face in the
crook of Tia’s neck. “I ask myself, why you? Out of anyone.”
“So why me?” Tia whispered, needing to know.
Carina looked back into Tia’s eyes. “At first, it was because you
understood who I lost. But now, it’s because you make me feel like
anything’s possible. That I’m strong and beautiful. Because you have such a
big heart and you do things without expectation. You love my kids. You
make me happy even when I think I should be feeling sad. Tia…it’s simply
because it’s just you.”
“I don’t know—I don’t want to insult or—”
“Tia. Bruce is gone!” Carina forced the words out for herself and for
Tia.
That one statement was louder than everything else they’d said to
each other in the past year.
“I don’t know what this is. But I no longer want to hide from it. I’m
asking you not to hide from it. I’m a grown woman. I know what I need. I
have no idea what I’m doing, but I know how I feel.” Carina was
determined to finally own all her feelings. She wouldn’t feel ashamed.
“I suppose you do.”
Carina relaxed, thankful Tia was no longer questioning how she felt
and brushed the tips of her fingers down Tia’s jaw. She watched as Tia
closed her eyes, pressing lightly into her touch. “I need to hear you say it.
That I’m not the only one feeling this.”
What little air remained in Tia’s lungs seemed to not matter as she
became lightheaded. There was fear in telling the truth. If Tia admitted to
anything, it would make everything real. She opened her eyes again, Carina
watchful. “Can you really look past everything?”
“Tia, I’m not going to pretend and say Bruce’s memories aren’t
standing in between us. They are. But that’s all they are. Memories. And
when I think about the kind of man he was, he’d want me to try and move
on. He’d want you to move on too.”
“But you?”
Carina shrugged. “I’m sure he never pictured himself dying and who
he’d pick to replace him. I know he’d support any decision I made as long
as I ended up happy.” Carina cupped Tia’s chin with the palm of her hand.
“I need to hear it.”
“You know I care about you.” Tia took a breath, finding the courage
in saying what needed to be said. “You’re so strong. I think about you all
the time. Yes, I like you so much it scares me.”
Carina sighed in relief, burying her face into Tia’s neck. “Thank you!
I felt like I was pulling your teeth to get you to admit that.”
Tia laughed. “Sorry I’m making it hard for you. You know, I’ve never
done this, so…”
“Done what?” Carina looked up. She took a step back, losing contact
from Tia’s body. She felt an absence, wanting to go back to her but not
wanting to be too clingy. A ridiculous feeling.
“This.” Tia waved her hand back and forth between them. “Felt so
swept away by emotions. Wanted someone so much that it scares me.”
She’d shared more than she intended. Tia shifted, nervous. “I mean, I’ve
been in relationships. I even came close to falling in love once. But it was
over before I could even feel…what I’m feeling now, for you.”
“You didn’t have to tell me that, but I’m glad you did.”
Able to take a breath without feeling so scared, Tia waved out her
arms. “Now what?”
Carina shook her head. “I don’t know! I guess…I still…”
“I know. Me too. I don’t want to start anything with the anxiety of
Bruce standing over my shoulder. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
Especially the kids.”
“Agreed.” Carina smiled. “I’ll need to tell them about us.”
Tia nodded, nervous all over again.
She cracked a knuckle and Carina reached out, linking both their
hands together in reassurance.
“Hey! They love you,” Carina reminded Tia, squeezing her hands
firmly.
“I know.”
“Let’s just continue being us. We were friends first. There’s so much I
want to know about you. We’ll know when we’re ready.”
“Deal.”
Chapter Thirteen
Carina
“Will you be my valentine, Mommy?” Michelle held a card with a
flower in the middle and surrounded by hearts that she drew in class.
Coming home, that was the first thing she pulled out of her backpack.
“You can’t be Mommy’s valentine,” Johnathan intruded.
Michelle’s expression skewed in confusion. “Why not?”
“Because Tia’s her valentine,” Johnathan explained.
A blush crept up over Carina’s cheeks. “I can have two valentines.”
“Tia won’t mind,” Michelle argued, sticking her tongue out at her
brother.
“Anything for the upcoming birthday girl,” Carina cheered, pulling
her daughter into her arms.
Michelle giggled as Carina pulled her in for hugs and kisses.
“Mommy, I’m too big for that.”
“Never.” Carina gave her daughter a big kiss on the cheek. She
looked up to Johnathan as he took a step back. “None of you are.”
Carina stood, giving a mischievous grin.
Her son took off as she chased after him. He screamed, telling Rina to
run as they were all chased around the house for kisses.
Carina ended up lying on the living room floor, exhausted from
chasing her kids. She twisted her head, hearing footsteps come her way.
Rina approached. “Mom, can I talk to you?”
“Of course.” Carina scooted up, leaning back into the couch. Her
daughter sat beside her. “What’s on your mind?”
She sighed and looked away. Whatever was on her mind, she’d been
struggling with it emotionally for some time.
Carina knew something was bothering her daughter but knew she
needed to be patient. When a tear slid down her daughter’s cheek, Carina
reached over, wiping it with her thumb. “You can tell me anything and I’d
never be mad at you for it.”
Rina sighed with a nod. “Remember when we walked in on you and
Tia sleeping?”
Carina nodded.
Her daughter lowered her head. “I pretended it didn’t hurt. I told Aunt
Sandra, even before that morning, that Daddy wouldn’t like you being so
close to Tia.”
That made Carina
silent. She’d been adamant in believing her kids
weren’t bothered by how close Tia and she had gotten, declaring Sandra
was overreacting, but her daughter had gone to her aunt in confidence.
Sandra had been a good aunt in not telling her what Rina said, whereas
otherwise she was usually the judgmental sister.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I know you and Aunt Sandra were mad at each
other and it was because of me. I felt bad for saying it, but I was still so
angry and scared you were trying to forget Dad.”
Carina shook her head, pulling her daughter in for a hug. “You have
nothing to feel guilty about. I wish your father was still here too, honey. I
will never forget or try to replace him or his memories. Never.”
Rina pulled back and held her mother’s eyes with strength. “I know
now—he isn’t coming back. He was the best Dad.”
“He was the best husband,” Carina said and smiled.
“And a best friend,” Rina smiled back. “He only had two best friends
Mom. You and Tia.”
Carina nodded.
“He wouldn’t want you to be alone. So, if you’re not with Tia because
of us, I already talked to Michelle and Johnathan and we agreed; it would
be okay.”
Carina shuddered, tears falling from her eyes. Hearing her daughter
say those words meant a lot to her. Her kids were so open minded and
understanding.
“I even told Aunt Sandra that I was no longer worried and hope you
and Tia work out.”
“You did?” Carina asked astonished. When had her daughter grown
up? She stared at Rina in amazement and pulled her in, giving her a big kiss
on the cheek.
“Mom,” Rina whined but didn’t pull away.
“I love you.”
*
The kids screamed as Uncle Miguel chased them around in a villain
costume. Luckily, it wasn’t raining today in late February weather. The
clouds were out but not dark and threatening.
Everyone was gathered in the backyard of Carina’s home for the
celebration.
Michelle was turning eight. Carina wanted to give her daughter a
special birthday party since last year they didn’t do anything with Bruce
passing only a month prior. Hotdog, chips, and pizza were served as the
kids ate away and played.
Sandra walked up, bumping shoulders with Carina as they watched
their kids playing together. “They grow up so fast.”
“Yes, they do!” Carina agreed, sighing as she wished she could keep
Michelle young for as long as possible.
Sneaking a peak toward her sister, Carina remembered when they
were kids and nothing could get in between them. Sandra always had her
back and she didn’t want to ever forget that. Carina hadn’t seen her sister
much and wanted to talk to her about what Rina shared a week ago. The
kids ran past them near the entrance leading into the house and Sandra
bumped against Carina to avoid them. When Sandra looked at her, Carina
smiled taking this chance to speak. “Look, Sandra. I talked to Rina and she
told me what she told you months ago.” She’d been so angry at her sister,
thinking she was as homophobic as their parents. “I’m sorry. I thought…”
“Don’t worry about it! You were still too deep in grief to see and I
could’ve come to you about it in a different way. Truth is I was acting
prejudiced. Not because I think Tia is some bad influence, but I was afraid.
There are so many people who want to see the LGBT community fall apart,
who see them as weak. I was scared for you and that scared me. I’m sorry.”
Sandra smiled, reaching out to squeeze Carina’s forearm.
Carina nodded, relieved to hear those words.
“What matters now is that your kids are happy. With all of it. And
you’re happy.” A few heartbeats passed as Sandra studied her sister. “Are
you happy?” Sandra asked, attentive to her response.
Carina looked around in the crowd, finding Tia playing with the kids.
She watched for awhile, in need of some alone time with Tia. In the last
month, they talked everyday about anything that was on their minds. What
they needed now was time for just the two of them. Tia sensed Carina
staring and smiled, causing Carina’s breath to grow heavy. “We’re taking
things slow.”
“How slow?” Sandra reached out and squeezed her sister’s hand.
“There’s no time table when it comes to feelings. There’s no magical button
that tells you when you’re allowed to move on. If you’re ready, go for it.
And if you’re hoping our parents will fall in love with the idea of you two,
let that dream die. Do what’s best for you two! You know you have my
support and Gina’s. I really mean that. I’m sorry if I made you doubt that I
never did. I was honestly just afraid you’d skip healing and fall into a
loveless relationship to dull your pain.”
Carina looked at her sister and smiled. “I’m thankful we haven’t
moved too quickly.” Carina chuckled, thinking of the many times in the
past few weeks she wanted to skip a few steps and climb right into bed with
Tia. “And it means a lot to know I have your support too!”
“Go on.” Sandra nodded toward Tia and walked away, leaving Carina
with much to think about.
*
Toward the end of the party, everyone gathered to sing happy birthday
to Michelle as she stood near her birthday cake her grandma baked.
Michelle tried blowing out the candles. Two were left and she looked over
to Tia, waving for her to help.
Michelle grabbed Tia’s hand as they blew together, the flame of the
candles dissipating. They cheered as everyone clapped.
Cake was served, all the kids sitting at the table eating and chatting
together. Carina smiled and walked over to the far end of the backyard,
trying not to hover in front of her daughter’s friends. Tia walked over,
offering Carina a slice of cake and sat in a chair right beside her.
“Thanks!” Carina took a bite, moaning from the delightful taste. She
peeked toward Tia, realizing she was without some cake and squinted her
eyes playfully. “Don’t tell me you don’t like cake all of a sudden.”
Tia grinned. “I do! I’m several pounds over my weight and I’d like to
stop there before it turns into a lingering 20.”
Stunned, Carina tilted her head back, giving Tia’s body a full intake.
“From what I can see you look very good and fit. Those arms.” She wiggled
her brows.
“I think you’re a little biased.”
Carina shrugged. “A little. But I would never lie to you. You are…”
She looked into Tia’s eyes and then down to her mouth.
Someone approached, clearing their throat. Carina smiled,
acknowledging her father.
Tia stood, but Carina reached over and squeezed her thigh. Carina
stared at her father, confident in herself and what she felt. “Did you need
something, Papa?”
His eyes scanned his daughter, trying to find some weakness that
could get her to submit to his views. Carina only stared back with stubborn
eyes, straightening her posture. “Carina! I need to talk to you privately,”
he
said in rushed tone, too rigid and angry to hide his emotions.
“Today is about Michelle. Anything you have to say—if it isn’t urgent
—can wait till tomorrow.” Carina held onto Tia until she sat back down.
“Your mother cannot take you doing this to her. It is obvious you’re
openly flirting with this woman. In front of everyone. Some of us can hear
you!” His tone was low but sharp. “What kind of mother would do such a
thing in front of her children?”
“The kind that has the ability to teach her kids that there is more than
one way to love,” Tia said firmly. She wasn’t planning to speak but his
disrespect in talking to Carina as if she was a bad mother pissed her off.
Carina locked eyes with Tia and smiled, grateful to have her here.
“Papa, I love you and Mom. I hope that one day you can really respect what
I intend to have with Tia. And what she has with my kids.”
He scowled and shook his head, waving his hand out and walking off.
It didn’t take him long to reach his wife and pack to leave. Carina shook her
head disappointed in her parents. She found her kids saying bye to their
grandparents and let them have their moment.
“You really want to see this through between us?” Tia asked quietly.
Carina relaxed her shoulders, no longer scared of the future. “I know
what I want. My kids stand behind us. My sisters do too. I have to believe
that Bruce would be happy for us. I can’t let fear dictate me. This isn’t some
small crush.” Carina reached for Tia’s hand, pulling it into her lap. “When
you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.” She leaned in, the nearness of Tia making her
breathless, and kissed her cheek. “I should go and check on the kids.”
Tia smiled and nodded. “I’m not going anywhere.”
*
The party ended an hour later. Being a supportive sister, Gina offered
to take the kids for the night. Her way of giving Carina no excuse to let Tia
leave without them having private time.
Carina’s thoughts no longer sought out passionate romance for Bruce.
She’d never forget their time spent together, but her heart knew long before
her mind that he could no longer give her what she needed. In the last
month, she spent her nights thinking of how it would be with Tia and that
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