by JA Low
“But she doesn’t want me.” How the fuck does he not understand it, I’m heartbroken?
“No, Christian, that’s not what happened. She wasn’t ready for something more, not yet. I’m sure she was shocked by your declaration and instead of giving her time and space to maybe see you in a new light, you instead took a torch to that love. Now look at what’s left…nothing but ashes.”
I’m in shock. But I think he might be right. Peeling the label off my beer, I refuse to acknowledge what he just said.
“It’s not too late, man.” Evan tries to convince me.
Resting my head in my hands I whisper, “I fucked up big time, man. I hurt her so badly. The shit I pulled…I would never forgive me for that. All because my ego got bruised.”
“Do you still love her?” Evan asks.
“Yeah man I do. Fuck, I miss her so fucking much. I feel like a limb is missing, I’m lost without her.”
“Yeah that’s love, man. It sucks but we wouldn’t have it any other way,” he says, slapping me on the back. “Now go and get your girl, it’s going to be a long journey because you fucked up big time. Start by sending her mom flowers or some shit like that. You were close with her family; send something to show her you still care. Slowly get back into her life, and stop fucking groupies in front of her.”
I smile at my wise friend. “Shit, man, becoming a dad has turned you into Yoda. How the fuck did you get so wise?”
“Fuck knows; now go and do something and stop being a pussy.” He shoves me out the door.
It’s early and I can hear my phone ringing, I try and find it but I’m tangled in my sheets. It stops ringing. Damn it, when I read the name on the missed call, I could kick myself. Vanessa. Shit, I missed a call from her. Instantly, I FaceTime her back.
“Hey,” she says, picking up the phone.
She looks beautiful, her hair is pulled up in a ponytail and she is wearing a low cut black dress, her perfect breasts almost spilling out of it, my dick twitches to life.
“Hey, sorry I missed your call. I couldn’t find my phone.”
She smiles. “Sorry it’s early, I’m just getting ready to go out with friends.”
My body tenses, hopefully she isn’t going out with any single guys. Not like you have a say anyway, you fucked it all up.
“Thank you so much for the flowers, Christian, they were beyond beautiful, Mum loved them.”
I had organized for this amazing orchid bouquet to be delivered to the resort. I remembered Vanessa telling me it was her mom’s favorite flower. I may have gone over the top with how big the bouquet was; you know size matters and all. I also sent a bouquet to Vanessa with an apology, it was the least I could do for my behavior.
“I’m glad. How is she feeling?”
“She’s sore, but getting stronger every day. I’m glad I am here for her.” I can see the emotions written across her face.
“I’m glad you are as well.” We smile at each other, it’s been too fucking long.
“Ness, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, I know. But not now, I have to go.”
My stomach sinks, I nod. “Okay, well have fun.”
“Thanks, I will.”
Then she’s gone. I can feel the distance between us, I need to make it right.
“Been a while since we’ve done this,” Derrick says as we start our ascent up Runyon Canyon. Derrick is my go to work out partner and I have been shunning him because I thought he chose Vanessa’s side in our fight.
“I’m sorry, man, I just…” I pause, not knowing what to say to him, there is no excuse for my behavior.
“Come here and give me a kiss.” Derrick grabs me and plants a wet kiss right on my cheek. “I still love ya, even when you are being the biggest dickhead on the planet,” he chuckles.
“Yeah, I know,” I reply, kicking the dirt under my feet.
“Well, say you’re sorry and move on.” Derrick makes it sound so simple.
“I don’t think Ness is going to accept it,” I tell him as we start to run. I can feel the endorphins pump through my body, this is what I need. Sweat is pouring out of me as if purging me of my sins. We finally reach the top and I bend over trying to catch my breath.
“You did good,” Derrick praises me, the man hardly looks like he is puffing after that half hour run.
“How…the…hell…are…you…not…dead…” I pant.
Derrick slaps my ass. “I have been looking after myself plus I have stamina.” I roll my eyes at him. You have been partying too much lately,” he states, giving me a pointed look.
I take a seat and look out over the LA skyline. “Yeah, I know. Shit, I’m sorry, man.”
Derrick sits down beside me. “No need to apologize to me, but I think you owe Ness a big one,” he informs me as he takes a long sip from his bottle.
“Yeah, I do. I spoke to her the other day.”
“Really?” Derrick sounds shocked.
“Yeah, she thanked me for the flowers I sent.” I take a long gulp of the cool liquid.
“Well that was nice. Ness was so worried about her mum, thankfully the operation was a success.”
I nod in agreement, actually I’m still panting because I don’t think I am ever going to get my breath back.
“So…what are you going to do about Ness?” Derrick asks me.
“Slowly win her back.”
“You are going to have to get down on your knees at some point, I think she deserves that level of groveling.”
“I know, I fucked up. But I was hurt.” I try to excuse my behavior.
“You know what? I don’t blame you.”
I’m in shock. Someone is actually agreeing with me.
“And if you tell Ness I will deny it all.”
I laugh.
“But I get why you are pissed, from what Ness has told me you two have been on and off since Sienna and I arrived in LA.”
Yeah, he was right about that.
“And you two have been living together for years.”
Yeah.
“You have worked together since day one, you lived together, you traveled together and you took holidays together.”
I keep nodding because he is right with everything he is saying.
“You probably haven’t been any closer to anyone in your life?” he questions me.
“No, maybe Axel but he’s blood so it doesn’t count.”
“And when the person you trusted over everyone else tells you you’re not what they want, it’s only natural you are going to be pissed, hurt even.”
Yes, yes that is it.
“Imagine if the person you loved, you relied on, suddenly turned their back on you and purposely did things to break your heart.”
My stomach sinks. I don’t think he is talking about me being in the right anymore.
“Imagine if the person you loved more than anything in the world, but was too scared to take a chance on, brought random girls home and tainted every surface, every memory you had there with that person. Imagine how that would feel?”
Fuck! I feel like shit, the scum of the earth. “D,” I say, taking another big gulp of water. “She is never ever going to forgive me, is she?” Looking up at him I’m hoping that he can give me the answers.
“Honestly? I don’t know.”
Shit, shit, shit.
“But…I think there is enough history between you two that maybe you can build back your friendship, anything more I don’t know. I don’t know how she is going to be able to forget the things she has seen.”
“I can’t lose her, D. I am going to make this right.”
“Ness is stubborn, Chris. So don’t push her, I know you are in a very different place now, just give her time to be in the same one, okay?” He looks at me sternly.
I nod my head. “Okay, I promise I won’t push.”
“Good, now come on last one to the bottom gets to be the bottom.” Derrick gives me a wink.
86
Christian
“Be respectful.” Axel elbows me in my seat.
Shaking my head, I whisper, “Sorry.”
Axel leans into me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, it’s weird seeing V again.”
He follows my eye line. Vanessa quickly looks away when she spots the two of us staring at her.
“She looks beautiful up there, doesn’t she?” Axel states as he questions me. I clench my fists at my brother’s comment, I don’t say a thing. “Her holding a baby looks good on her, don’t you think?”
Fuck this twin shit gets on my nerves sometimes. “Yeah, she does,” I huff.
Axel gives me a chuckle before elbowing me in the side again, trying to get my attention. “Well then, sort that shit out. Mom is so disappointed in you, so am I. You have kept up this tantrum long enough, get over yourself. I am sick of this bullshit, brother. Your attitude is affecting everyone.”
I sink further into guilt over the way I have been acting. I nod in agreement with Axel, he is right. Everyone’s been pulled into my mess. I’ve made them feel like they need to pick sides. I’ve been an absolute brat about the whole situation and treated her unfairly all because she didn’t feel the same way I did. Taking a deep breath my attention turns back to the ceremony, I watch as Charlotte and Jake light a candle handing it to Derrick and Vanessa who then place it on the altar, all of Ryder’s godparents working together in the name of love. When Vanessa takes her place beside Derrick, I chance a look at her again. Looking back at me are those jade green eyes, I take a chance and give her a smile, my heart thumps when it is returned, maybe there is hope. I swear baby Jesus has come down and anointed me, my body feels like it’s glowing just from receiving one of her smiles. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that smile and I’ve missed it.
“I’m the godfather.” Derrick turns and looks at Jake. “And I am going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.” Derrick wiggles his eyebrows at Jake. Jake just laughs and pulls him into a man hug.
“Congrats you guys,” I say, catching Evan and Sienna as they wander around the backyard of their Hollywood Hills home, Ryder happily gurgling away in Evan’s arms.
“Thanks for coming, man.” Evan smiles at me.
“How are things?” Sienna asks, her eyes flicking behind me where I know Vanessa is standing.
“It’s okay…weird.”
She smiles at me, “It will all work out. Just talk to her, she might surprise you. You both have a long history together and you can’t erase all of that so easily, no matter how much you try.”
Maybe Sienna is right. Turning, I look at Vanessa who is chatting with Derrick, Jake and Charlotte. “I guess there’s no time like the present than to fix the shit storm I have created.” Evan and Sienna give me words of encouragement as I make my way toward the group. “Hi guys,” I say as I join them, my eyes not leaving Vanessa’s.
“Hey, Jake, where’s Mom and Dad?” Charlotte asks quickly.
“Not sure, let’s go find them,” Jake agrees, not so subtly.
“Oh look at all the hot guys over there,” Derrick adds as the trio quickly leave me alone with Vanessa.
We both stand there awkwardly for a couple of moments, not knowing what to say to each other. Which is weird because this woman has been a part of my life for so long. Why does she feel like such a stranger now? “So…um, did you want to go for a walk and talk?” I ask.
“Sure,” Vanessa agrees. We head toward the back of the garden away from the rest of the party. I can see the guys watching us as we disappear over the edge of the garden and toward the chairs that look out over the sprawling view.
“How’s your mom?” I start the conversation off on something neutral.
“She’s good, really good. I am happy that she is all better. She is one tough old lady. Thanks for sending all those flowers, she loved them so much.”
I watch Vanessa’s silhouette as she talks, noticing that she can’t look at me and it guts me that she doesn’t feel comfortable anymore around me. But I did this, I am the one that pushed her so far away. I don’t know if I will be able to ever get her back again. Moving my hand to hers, it stiffens under my touch but she doesn’t move it. “I’m sorry.” The words stick in my throat.
Vanessa slowly moves her hand away from mine. “I know.”
Turning and looking at her, her face is expressionless, there is nothing there, I have really fucked up. I turn my whole body so I am facing her. “No, Ness. I am so fucking sorry for everything. For the way I treated you, for throwing those groupies in your face, for hurting you.” My heart feels like someone has it in a vice grip as I plead with her to understand how truly sorry I am for everything.
Those jade green eyes meet mine, a single tear falls down her cheek and I want so badly to wipe it away but I am frozen by her stare. “I’m sorry I hurt you too, Christian.”
I’m shocked, why is she apologizing to me for? Grabbing her hands in mine I shake my head. “No, you were just being honest, but my damn ego got in the way instead.”
She gives me a small smile. “Yeah, you do have a pretty big ego.”
This makes me laugh, her making jokes is a good thing, I think. “It’s not all that big.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her. Fuck, shit, what was I thinking, flirting with her like that. But she surprises me and laughs.
“You haven’t changed.” She smiles.
“I’m sorry, Ness, so fucking sorry.” I try to hold back the emotions that are raging inside of me but I can’t, and I too release a couple of tears.
Vanessa moves forward with concern in her eyes. “Shit,” she says, holding my face within her palms. “Chris, please, don’t…”
“I miss you, V, I miss you so fucking much. It’s like a part of me is missing. I’m kind of lost without you.” There it is. I’ve laid it out on the table for her. My damn tears fall again.
Her hands fall from my face as she wraps them around my body, pulling me into a hug. “I’ve missed you so much too, Chris. The one person I needed when Mum was having surgery wasn’t there. I have never felt more alone than I did then.” She starts crying as I wrap myself around her, comforting her.
“I’m sorry, Ness, so fucking sorry. I wish I was there for you. I fucked up so much. I don’t understand what came over me, I wasn’t myself.” We hold each other in a comfortable embrace for a long time, just absorbing each other.
“It’s going to take a while to get back to where we were, Chris,” she says, moving out of my arms.
My heart sinks again. “I know, I’m just happy that you are back in my life, I don’t care in what capacity it is.”
Vanessa smiles. “I am going to continue living with Derrick for a while, I think it’s for the best.”
I nod in agreement. It sucks but I’m happy with baby steps.
“And just so you know I may have forgiven you but I haven’t forgotten, just give me…us, time and we can get back to where we once were.”
My heart bursts into a thousand pieces hearing that she is willing to give me a second chance. Time, it’s just going to take time.
“Come on we better ge
t back to the party; you know they are all waiting nervously for our return.” She stands up and takes my hand, linking her fingers with mine, it feels so good, it feels right and I never ever want to lose her again.
87
Vanessa
“Oh my God, you need to come with me. I’ve been accepted as the newest member of the Paradise Club. I can’t go alone.” Derrick jumps up and down excitedly.
“No way. No way in hell am I going there, D.” That place makes me feel sick.
“Ness, I know the history it has with you in regards to Kane.” Hearing his name makes me stiffen. “But maybe it might give you some sort of closure going there.”
I glare at Derrick; he can’t be serious. Closure, I got that when the fucking bastard was sent to jail.
“Look, Stacey and Isla are coming as well. You won’t be alone. Girls’ night!”
Derrick is giving me puppy dog eyes. How the fuck can you say no to Derrick when he is looking at you like that? “Stop it, stop being so fucking cute.”
Derrick pulls me into his arms. “Look if you want me to play with you tonight I will, if it makes you feel better.”
I am lost for words, like totally lost the ability to speak. “D, you don’t like vaginas.”
He makes a face at the word vagina.
“No, they are gross, but I am willing to take one for the team if it means you come with me.
I burst out laughing at him. “Wow, you must be really desperate to check this place out if you’re willing to play with my vagina.”
“Yeah I kind of do. I want to try all those naughty things Christian has told me about that goes on there. It would be like my fifty shades fantasy coming to life.”
I let out a groan on hearing Christian’s name. “Please tell me he isn’t going to be there?”
