by JA Low
“Calm down, babe.” Christian smiles squeezing my thigh, instantly calming me down.
“Sorry, it’s just…”
“It’s going to be okay.” He smiles at me and he looks beautiful. His light brown hair has grown longer, and he has it pulled up in a top knot, he has the perfect five o’clock shadow prickling his jaw. Those whiskey eyes staring at me, reminding me of all the fun times we have had together.
“Vanessa Roberts,” Dr. Jensen calls my name. I smile and get up, Christian takes my hand and we follow him down the corridor.
“Please take a seat.” Dr. Jensen is hot for an older, distinguished guy, think Gibbs from NCIS. “Okay, I won’t delay the results any further as I’m sure you are eager to find out.”
No shit.
“You have tested positive to the BRCA gene.”
I suck in an audible breath, Fuck!
“What does that mean?” Christian asks, his hand holding tight against mine. Thank fuck he is here because at this moment all I hear is white noise.
“It means that her risk of getting breast cancer is about forty to eighty percent in her life time and getting ovarian cancer is sixteen to forty-four percent.
Christian squeezes my hand tightly at those figures. Shit, they are really high. The men start talking amongst themselves while I have a mild, no, major freak out. I am going to get cancer; this little test is like a crystal ball telling me what I have to look forward to.
“So if she has the surgery her chance of getting cancer is like five percent?” Christian asks.
Wait, what surgery? Why are they talking about surgery? Am I going to have to lose my breasts? No way Vanessa. Just like Angelina Jolie, she got her boobs taken off so they wouldn't kill her. Shit, I am Angelina Jolie!
“I’ll do it,” I blurt out in the middle of the conversation. “Take them off, I don’t want my boobs if they are going to kill me.” The room goes quite.
“Babe, why don’t you think about it?” Christian advises me calmly.
“There’s nothing to think about, Chris, I want them off so I can live.” I turn my attention to the doctor. “Am I able to get new ones at the same time or do I have to have a different surgery for that?”
“Miss Roberts, we can remove the breast and reconstruct it with a new one all in the one surgery.”
“So that means I can choose new boobs?”
The doctor laughs, “Yes, you get to choose new breasts.”
I turn to Christian and wiggle my eyebrows at him, making him laugh.
“Miss Roberts you need to know about the risks of having a double mastectomy.”
“I understand, my mum just had this done a couple of months ago. I helped with her recovery.”
The doctor explains everything to me anyway, it’s part of his job I guess. Until he is satisfied that I understand everything about the surgery and diagnosis, we do not leave his office. “Okay, well let’s see when we can fit you in.” He fiddles with the calendar on his computer.
“Are you sure about this, Ness?” Christian whispers, while the doctor is distracted.
“How is there a choice, get cancer and die or get new boobs and live.”
Christian looks at me intensely. “Just so you know, I’m coming with you to pick out the new boobs. You really should have an expert with you and I just happen to be one, I’m brilliant with boobs.” I elbow him in the side, making him grunt. He gives me a brilliant smile, which helps ease my fears.
“So a couple of months and you will be getting some new boobs,” Christian jokes as he drives me back to Derrick’s after the doctor’s appointment.
“Yeah, I guess I will…” I let my words trail off. “Thank you for today, Chris, I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Hey, what are friends for?” he shrugs as he pulls into Derrick’s driveway.
We sit there in silence for a while, staring out the front window of the car.
“I really couldn’t have done it without you.” I break the silence.
He turns and looks at me, his hand moves toward me pushing the hair away from my face.
“Thank you for letting me be there.”
Just the tiniest of touches has ignited my body, I can feel my breathing has changed as his thumb gently strokes my cheek.
“I don’t ever want to lose you, Ness.”
My heart aches at the way he is looking at me.
“If this surgery is the only way that I get to keep you for longer then I am all for it.”
Tears start to run down my face, my heart hurts, “I don’t want to die, Chris.” The gravity of what the doctor has told me starts sinking in.
Christian pushes his chair all the way back, unbuckles my seat belt and hauls me onto his lap. My legs spread on either side of his thick thighs, his large palms hold my face as those familiar whiskey eyes sparkle with emotion. “You are not going to die, Ness. This surgery is preventative, you don’t have to go through it but every six months you will have to have mammograms and keep on top of things that way.”
I know that is what the doctor told me, but what happens if they still don’t get it in time. Ovarian cancer is harder to detect usually when it’s too late. I want to have kids. Fuck, I might not be able to have kids. That’s when I start to have a panic attack, my chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it and crushing me.
“Ness, Ness, breathe, it’s going to be okay.” Christian is yelling at me, trying to help me out of my attack. “Eyes on me, angel, eyes on me.” I try and focus on his face, looking over his square jaw and the stubble that covers it, his long neck, those apple bud cheeks, those eyes, those eyes that can see through to my soul. My breathing slowly starts to abate. “That’s better.” His hands are still holding my face. “Want to tell me what that was all about?”
Just thinking about kids, makes my heart start to race again.
“Ness,” Christian growls, forcing my attention onto him. “Tell me.”
“Kids, I was thinking about kids.”
Christian frowns trying to work out my train of thought. “What about them?”
“I want them, but I don’t think…” My words trail off as I am lost in my thoughts.
Warm lips touch mine, my mouth automatically opens for them, hands hold my face, the kiss is soft and gentle, loving even. Eventually Christian pulls away, giving me a smile that makes my stomach do cartwheels. “Remember how we had that conversation a long time ago about turning thirty-five and if you haven’t found someone then we would be it for each other.”
I frown, because yeah I kind of do, but I swear he must of been high when he said that.
“We can hit fast forward if you want. You and I can have a baby together.”
My whole body stiffens.
“You don’t have to say anything now, just think about it, okay?”
I nod because I am too stunned to say anything.
92
Christian
I’m not going to lie I have been freaking out about Vanessa’s diagnosis. Cancer, that is fucking serious. What she is considering is a matter of life and death. I know she has age on her side but I understand where her worries are coming from, to be able to look into a crystal ball and see into the future would suck. But I am trying to be strong for her, I listen when she calls me in the middle of the night in a panic, I sooth her, letting her know everything is going to be okay. She’s asked me not to tell anyone, she doesn’t want any of our friends to know just yet. I understand she is scared but our friends will just want to be there for her, support her. She asked me to swear not to say anything to anyone, of course I agreed.
“I’m glad I’m here today, I told you I am a boob enthusiast.” My hands play with some silicon breasts in the plastic surgeon’s office.
“Stop molesting the breasts, Chris,” Vanessa snaps at me but her smile lets me know she isn't angry.
“Ness, I’m feeling them up, making sure they are the right fit. You don’t want something that is to small and you don’t
want something way to big. You need them to be just right. Like these.” I throw a pair of DDs at her.
“Chris, these look so huge, I don’t want to look like one of your stripper friends.” She throws them back at me.
“Babe, you would be a high class stripper with these.”
She rolls her eyes at me.
“Miss Roberts, thank you for waiting.” The doctor waltzes into the room. He walks straight over to where Vanessa is standing.
“If you could open the top of the gown so we can have a look.”
Vanessa’s eyes glance over to me where I am seated with an excellent view. She gives me a glare, I ignore her, it’s not like I haven't seen her tits before or feasted on them or licked or nipped or—fuck I’m getting a half chub in the doctor’s office, this isn’t good. Vanessa sighs and opens up her green hospital gown to show the doctor her perfect breasts. Fuck, I’ll miss them. The doctor starts touching them, moving them as he talks about breast tissue and what happens with reconstruction, some sort of bullshit, but all I see is red. Calm your tits Christian he is a doctor, this is his job. Pretty awesome job really, I look around and realize he touches boobs all day, then before I know it, Vanessa has closed her gown again and the doctor is showing her different sizes and explaining the benefits of them.
“I recommend your natural size which is a C cup, if you want you could drop down to a B if your old breast size gave you problems.”
“No, V, don’t do that,” I quickly interject, they both look at me funnily. “Do not go a B, where’s the fun in that size. No, you need at least a D, look at them they are perfect.” I hold them up for reference.
“I’m guessing your partner likes the original size?” The doctor asks with a smirk.
“He’s not my partner, he’s a friend,” Vanessa adds.
Not going to lie, her confession hits home that I don’t really get a say in what size boobs she should have because I won’t be the one playing with them. So I distract myself with some samples instead.
“I’ve decided to go for a C cup if you were wondering.” Vanessa nudges my shoulder as we head toward the car park.
“I’m sure someone will love them.” My tone is sulky; I can’t help it.
“What’s the matter?”
I continue walking in silence. “I’m just sad knowing I won’t get to play with your boobs ever again.” When I turn around to gage her response she’s stopped walking and is looking at me strangely.
“Are you seriously upset about not getting to say goodbye to my boobs?”
“Yeah, Ness, I am. I’ve loved those boobs for six years, I consider them mine. But some other guy may be playing with them, and they might be the last one who gets to.” This conversation is getting weird. Quickly I unlock the car and we both jump in. Vanessa stays silent, which is probably for the best.
Not being able to stand the awkward silence anymore I break it. “I’m sorry, Ness, I didn’t mean to get weird about your boobs. They’re your boobs, no one owns them but you.”
She nods in agreement; we are both silent as we continue back to Derrick’s place. It’s not until we pull up that she talks again.
“Would you like to come inside?”
“Um…” There’s a long pause, I notice Vanessa is acting nervous all of a sudden. Shit, maybe I have freaked her out.
“Sure, I could use a glass of water,” I say. Vanessa nods and we both jump out of my truck and head inside in silence.
“Derrick’s at work,” Vanessa tells me as she fixes me a drink.
I smile and say, “Thanks,” as she hands me the glass of water. Then the awkward silence is back. What the hell is going on? Maybe she is freaking out over everything, today was a big day for her, making it all seem real. I turn my back to her as I place my glass in the sink, she probably needs time alone.
“I should get going,” I say as I turn around, but I am in shock because Vanessa is taking her top off.
“Ness?” I question her, my heart is racing and my dick is getting excited.
“I thought about what you said, about my boobs and how you have known them for a while, and I think you should say goodbye to them,” she says, standing there in pink lingerie. Her hand goes behind her back and unclips her bra, I watch it flutter to the floor. Fuck, fuck, fuck, there they are right in front of me, my mouth goes dry.
“Um, Ness. I don’t know if this is right.” Why the hell am I being a gentleman? I don’t want to be a gentleman.
“You are just saying goodbye to some old friends,” Vanessa adds with a smile.
She’s right, I kind of am. Taking a step toward her, I take in the curves of them; I run my hand over their fullness. I hear Vanessa’s breath hitch when I touch her skin, my finger continues on underneath her breast following the circle. I can feel the heat radiating between us. I touch the other breast and follow the same path around the outside of it. I move in a little further and start that same path, around and around slowly and softly until I reach her hard, puckered nipple. My thumb ever so gently rubs around the bumpy skin, my eyes look up and Vanessa has hers closed. Her teeth are biting into her bottom lip, her cheeks are flushed and her hands are gripping the counter, hard, almost cutting off their circulation.
I give her nipple a pinch.
“Ah,” Vanessa groans.
“I am going to miss you.” I talk to her breasts, my heated breath blowing on them. I bend over and let my lips kiss the top of them, and I softly kiss my way around them, taking my time, until I find her pink nipple again and I land a kiss directly on it.
“Hmm,” Vanessa hums, her eyes still closed.
“These have been the perfect breasts; my palms are weeping because they will miss holding you while their master sleeps.”
Vanessa’s eyes open and our stares meet each other. I give her a smile as my tongue darts out and starts its turn around one breast. Slowly, ever so fucking slowly, I trace the same route committing it to memory, feeling the tiny bumps of her areola on my tongue, moving onto her nipple where I swirl it around my tongue.
“Fuck,” Vanessa exhales on shaky breath.
My lips sink down over her nipple and I give it a hard suck.
“Christian, you’re going to make me come if you keep doing that.”
I smile as I keep working her breasts, moving from one to the other until she finally pushes me away, her face flushed and her breathing has accelerated. I step closer to her, pushing her body against the cabinets. “Thank you for letting me say goodbye.” I push off the cabinet and walk away from her, hoping that she realizes that the chemistry between us is hard to beat.
93
Vanessa
Weeks Later
“You can’t hide this anymore, Ness,” Christian reminds me.
“I know, I just…” I let out a sigh, “I don’t want everyone to treat me differently.”
“I get it, but you are about to have surgery, your friends are going to want to be there for you.”
I know he’s right, but I’m scared, the more people I tell the more real it feels and that is scary.
“Fine, okay. Come on let’s organize a team meeting.”
“Want me to call next door to Wyld Jones and get them to come over? You can do it all at once.”
That’s not such a bad idea.
“Is everything okay?” Axel asks as the Dirty Texas boys sit in the conference room.
“Christian didn’t knock you up did he?” Derrick questions, the whole room goes silent.
“What, no!” I squeal.
Christian frowns at me.
“Then why are we all here?” Sienna asks “You’re not sick are you?”
My whole body stills, she knows me too well. I fiddle with my fingers, everyone’s eyes are on me, the tension in the room is unbearable.
“Um…I don’t know where to start.” I fumble over my words.
Christian squeezes my hand, giving me silent encouragement.
“You two didn’t like get married or somet
hing?” Evan asks, looking at our entwined fingers.
“No, God, no,” I add quickly.
“Hey,” Christian retorts.
I shake my head trying to find where to begin. “You know how my mum had that test, followed by the surgery she had to have so she wouldn’t get cancer.” I watch as everyone’s heads nod, they all remember. “Well…um…I am doing the same thing.” The room falls silent. Every single person’s face looks worried.
“You’re having a mastectomy?” Isla asks.
I nod my head; the room erupts into noise with everyone hurling questions at me all at once.
“Hey, hey, everyone shut the fuck up,” Christian yells, silencing the room. “I get you all have questions and Ness will answer them, but one at a time.” He gives me a tight smile.
“What’s going on, Ness?” Sienna asks, I can see the concern on her face.
I take a deep breath. “There is this test that you can do if you have a family history of breast cancer, Mum did it and that is how she found out she was positive to the BRCA gene, she begged me to do the test and I did. It came back positive.” Tears threaten, but I try to hold them back, I have to be strong.
“But, but…what does that mean?” Derrick asks.
“It means that there is a ridiculously high chance that I will get breast and ovarian cancer.” I hear the crowd gasp in shock. Christian grabs my hand again, giving me strength to continue. “So in a couple of weeks I am going to have a double mastectomy, just like Angelina Jolie did, and I am going to kick cancer’s butt before it kicks mine.”
Sienna starts to cry and rushes toward me and pulls me into her arms. Derrick joins her, and one by one everyone in the rooms takes a turn giving me a hug.
“Guys, please don’t treat me any differently. It’s just a little surgery, I am getting new boobs while I am under as well.”
