by JA Low
“Christian.” I call his name and ask him to bend down. “Can you give us a moment, please?” I ask the orderly, who nods and moves away from us.
“Chris, I need to tell you something, just in case something happens.” I try and keep the tears back but I can’t because I am so fucking scared.
“Babe, don’t think like that, everything is going to be okay, you hear me.”
I nod but the lump in my throat feels like it’s trying to choke me. “I need you to know something before I go in.”
Christian nods giving me his full attention.
“I’ve been so scared of my feelings for you, and fear guided my decisions before. I wanted to say yes to you at the wedding when you bared everything to me. The way you make me feel consumes me. I was worried that if I took that chance, that if anything happened, breaking up with you would end me. There was no coming back from that kind of heartbreak, so I chose fear.”
I can see tears welling in Christian’s eyes, it’s the first time we have spoken about that night.
He goes to speak but I silence him. “What I want to say is, I love you. I love you so fucking much that my heart can’t contain it.”
I hear Christian’s audible gasp and see his eye widen.
“I need you to know if you are willing to take a chance on me, I want it all, Chris, I want it all with you. It’s always been you.”
Christian’s lips come down on mine in a heated kiss, his tears falling onto my cheeks.
“It’s you and me against the world now, babe.”
I nod in agreement, trying to hold back my tears.
“I fucking love you so much, Ness, and I can’t wait until you open your eyes again after this surgery and we can spend the rest of our long lives together.”
Now it was my turn to gasp.
He just smirks. “That’s right, angel, you and me, forever and ever.” He kisses me one last time.
The orderly clears his throat. “Sorry, we have to go.”
Christian holds my hand until the last possible moment and then he’s gone and I slip into a deep dark abyss.
“We are going to get married and have babies and grow old together.” I mumble through the haze.
“Damn right we are.” I hear that voice, that deep timbered voice that warms my body.
“I can’t wait to get you home and ravage you, Chris,” I slur.
Then I hear laughter and it sounds like my mum.
“Mum?” I call out, my eyes feeling too heavy to open and my mouth so very dry.
“I’m here, sweetheart,” she answers, squeezing my hand.
“I’m alive, I made it.” I marvel as I realize I am alive. That something horrible didn’t happen to me in surgery.
“Yes, sweetheart, you are alive. The doctor said everything went well and he is very happy with the results.”
I sink back into the fluffy pillows, thank fuck.
“He said your boobs look great.” I hear Christian from beside me and turn my head to where his voice is coming from. Willing my eyes to open, they finally move and I blink at the bright light when I see Christian’s face staring back at me, his beautiful face. “You are so hot.” The words tumble out of my mouth, damn anesthetic.
“You look pretty hot yourself.” He moves closer to kiss my forehead.
Over the next hour I slowly come out of my fog and I can see everything a little clearer. I realize I can’t move and the pain of the surgery comes into play. The doctor finally comes in and runs me through the procedure; how they took my breasts but saved my nipples, they had to play around with different size breasts because of the skin elasticity and actually ended up settling on a D cup, much to Christian’s delight. I will be in the hospital for about five days to make sure there is no infection and I will be discharged once all my vitals are in order. Christian advises the doctor that he has organized twenty-four hour nursing care for me when I am at home, which seems like overkill but it’s probably for the best. Poor Christian, he doesn’t need to wipe my ass for me.
96
Christian
V’s been home for about a month now and she is definitely stronger than she was when she first came home. Seeing her in pain, the tears falling down her face, all because she would forget she couldn’t lift her arms or she would roll over in the middle of the night forgetting she had surgery. Those blood curdling screams at night were scary. Thankfully we have nurses on call because I was a complete mess. Seeing the woman I love in that much pain ripped me to the core. I want to help her but Ness hates being dependent on me, even though I told her that I would be by her side the whole time.
Thankfully our mothers are still here helping with her recovering. Sylvie, Vanessa’s mom, she has been helping the nurses with her day to day well-being and my mom has been cooking up her famous southern comfort food for me, which I have missed living in LA. I’ve probably gained one hundred pounds from her cooking but I don’t care because it’s so good. Mom is a retired nurse and she’s explained to me what Vanessa is going through in basic terms so that I could understand. I’ve found Vanessa crying by herself and I try to help her but nothing seems to work. Mom told me what signs to watch out for in case Vanessa sinks into depression, which apparently is common for a woman when losing her breasts. She explained that for a woman it can feel like losing the very essence of herself, her femininity, her beauty, and no matter how much encouragement I give her she needs to process the loss herself. So I let Ness cry herself to sleep some nights, which kills me, but I notice that when Vanessa does have these mini breakdowns she appears stronger. I hope I am doing the right thing.
“Mornin’, darlin’,” Momma says, handing me a steaming hot coffee as she sits down beside me in a pool chair. “How ya feeling?”
“I’m good, Ness is good. She’s got most of her movement back and her pain is finally subsiding.”
“But how are you doin’?” she asks, being a concerned mother.
“Yeah, I’m alright.” I sip on the piping hot liquid.
“So, what are your plans?” she asks, peeking over her coffee mug at me.
“What do you mean?” I question, because I know exactly what she means.
“What are your plans with Vanessa?” She gives me a piercing look. “Are you going to make an honest woman out of her?”
I choke on my coffee. “Mom!”
“Don’t you ‘Mom’ me, I want to know if there is a chance I am going to be a grand momma or not?”
I’m in total shock.
“You love her, boy, so hurry up and put a ring on it,” she states firmly.
“Mom, I finally got her to confess her feelings for me. She’s been through a lot so we are taking it slow.”
“You have spent the past six years taking it slow, now’s the time to go grab the bull by the horns.”
I love my mom, I really do but she is kind of desperate for grandkids, and now that there is a slight chance that could happen she is on full baby alert, especially as she has been spending time with Ryder while’s she’s been here.
“Don’t worry, when the time is right I will put a ring on it, okay?”
Mom nods. “I knew the first time you brought her home that she was the one.”
I roll my eyes at her, she always says this.
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, boy, it’s the truth. You both gravitated toward each other, everything was natural between the two of you. I could see your connection then, even though you were both fighting it. I understood, especially as a woman in the workplace.”
I’m close with my mom so she knows how Ness and I met and everything that has happened between us.
“I knew she was the one because she only had eyes for you, not your brother.”
It sucked when a girl I was interested in was way more interested in my brother. Most girls liked the brooding poetic vibe that Axel oozed. I would bring a girl home and their focus would be on Axel when he was around, listening to him sing, watching him write music or play his g
uitar. He would always have them eating out of his hand by the end of the day. I had no need not to trust him, he was my brother, but when I came home from football practice early one day and found my first serious girlfriend in bed with him, I was so fucking hurt. She later confessed that she was curious to see if we both fucked the same. I punched my brother out that day and we didn’t talk for a long time. He eventually told me he did it to test her and that she was no good for me. After that incident I gave up trying to have a relationship with anyone because I was worried that they would secretly want my brother.
“I know. I promise, Mom, you will be the first to know when we get engaged, okay?”
She leans over and kisses my head. “Perfect, now hurry the hell up.” She ruffles my hair as she takes our cups back inside.
“I am so fucking horny, Ness,” I whisper into her ear as we sit patiently at the doctor’s surgery for her check-up. It’s been nearly five weeks since Vanessa and I have had sex and my blue balls are killing me.
“I just want the all clear from the doctor first.” She runs her hand along my thigh.
“The plastic surgeon said it was okay,” I moan.
“Yes, but I’m just waiting for my oncologist to give me the all clear, then I am all yours, I promise.” She smiles, giving me a wink.
“Miss Roberts.” The doctor calls her name and we make our way into his office. The doctor looks over her tests results and examines her. What he asks next totally floors us. “So, Vanessa have you decided what you are going to do with your ovaries?”
“I’m sorry, what?” Vanessa asks.
“If you are going to have a hysterectomy? Saving your eggs and implanting later? Or are you thinking about not having kids?”
Vanessa stiffens.
“You are in your prime birthing years at the moment and each year increases your risk of ovarian cancer, due to your genetics.”
Fuck, that was heavy and after everything Vanessa has just been through she now has to think of this as well.
“I know this is a lot to think about, and you probably haven’t broached the subject with your partner, but you really need to think about it and start planning. I suggest you go home and talk about your options,” he says as he hands us both a stack of brochures and information.
“No need to talk doc. We are having kids, just need you to give Vanessa the all clear and we can get started.”
“Christian,” Vanessa scolds me.
“Don’t look so shocked, angel, you and I are in this for the long haul and if you have to have a baby now so you can have a hysterectomy later, so you don’t get cancer, then that is what we do.” I cross my arms over my chest. I want to have babies with her, just like Evan has with Sienna. I want to play football and baseball in the backyard with my son or teach him to play guitar.
“But…” Vanessa splutters.
“There is no discussion, babe, you need to have a baby, you need my sperm. Quite frankly look at me, I am one hundred percent all male, you can’t do any better than me so why would you not want to breed with me?” There’s that gaping fish face that Vanessa seems to have mastered in the space of five minutes.
“Anyway,” the doctor interrupts awkwardly. “I will let you two discuss this at home. You are free to resume normal activities, but still be careful in some areas,” the doctor advises us. Right, be careful, but sex is a go.
“Come on let’s get home and make a baby,” I say as we walk out of the doctor’s office.
“You cannot be fucking serious, Christian,” Vanessa yells at me in the car.
“What, to want to have a baby with you?”
“Yes. Do you even want kids?” she yells, sounding frustrated with me.
“Never thought much about it—” She cuts me off before I get to finish what I am saying.
“Ha, see you are just thinking of sex and not the consequences of all that practicing,” she states as if she has found the secret codes to mankind, crossing her arms over her chest confidently.
“Oh, believe me, Ness, we are going to have so much practicing for this baby.” I smile at her as we drive back to our home.
“You seriously want a baby?” Now she is looking at me like I am some weird social experiment gone wrong.
“Honestly, I never thought of having a kid, until I knew there was a chance that I could have one with you.”
Vanessa is silent in the car. I glance over to her, because a silent Ness is a scary one. Then she bursts out crying.
“What the fuck, V?” I keeping flicking my eyes at her.
“I never thought I wanted kids until I found out there was a chance that I couldn’t have one,” she sniffles.
My hand finds her thigh, giving it a squeeze. “And, now?” I question, wondering what her answer will be because I never thought I wanted kids until I met her.
Her hand rests over mine on her leg. “I think I want one…” She pauses for a moment, “With you,” she whispers.
I turn and look at her. “Really?”
“Fuck, this is crazy. I mean I just had a double mastectomy so I wouldn’t get cancer. I’m not even married, it feels all kind of messed up and backward, planning a baby when you and I are…” She pauses, “You know, trying to find our way.”
“If you are worried about us then let me spell it out for you, one day we will be getting married, that is a given and I’m not taking no for an answer. I love you, Ness, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you.” My eyes flick to where Vanessa is sitting stunned in the passenger’s seat. “In regards to kids, is it sooner than I had liked, probably, but it doesn't change what I want. What I want is you and me and babies, there is no one else in the world that I would want to mix eggs and sperm with.”
This makes her laugh.
“It’s the truth, V, we would make beautiful children. It really is unfair that the world should miss out on our beautiful offspring.”
“That’s true, oh God imagine if we had a boy, he and Ryder could be best friends.”
“They would get into so much trouble and they would pick up so many chicks together.”
We both laugh about it. “Imagine if they started up their own rock band, it would be Dirty Texas 2.0,” she laughs.
“That would be awesome, our kids all playing in a band together just like their old folks, fuck yeah!” My heart is racing because I can totally see it. “So, judging by that smile on your face, you think the idea of breeding with me is kind of hot.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her.
“I’m not a fucking animal to breed with, Chris,” she laughs.
I grab her hand and kiss her soft knuckles as we make our way back up into the Hills. “It would make me the happiest man in the world to be the one to knock you up.”
“Now that’s more romantic. Christian, I can’t wait until you fuck a baby into me.” I almost crash the car with Vanessa’s statement, we both burst out laughing.
97
Christian
One month later
It’s my birthday, and we are off to Vegas baby. The whole crew and of course Axel, seeing as it’s his birthday too. I’m sitting inside our private jet on our way to Las Vegas with all the people I love around me. It’s funny how things have changed. This time last year, never did I think that I would be celebrating my thirtieth birthday with the woman I love, and trying to get her knocked up. Fuck, life is crazy sometimes. Currently I am cuddling Ryder, giving Evan a break from the little man. Looking at his little fingers wrapping themselves around my large ones, the tiny gurgling sounds he makes soothes my heart.
“Don’t tell me you’re getting clucky?” Axel asks me, spotting me mesmerized by the baby in my arms.
“Fuck you, I don’t think that it would be too bad,” I say, much to the horror of Axel.
“Seriously?”
I shrug as if it’s no big deal.
“I’m happy for you man.” I can see the sincerity in his eyes, he has no idea that we are trying for a baby, no one does. Vanessa do
esn’t want anyone to know. She thinks they won’t understand and she doesn’t want to jinx it.
“Fuck, my little bro is going to be a family man,” he laughs.
“Hey, I’m like a minute younger, dickhead.”
“What happens if you have twins?” he asks.
I still, fuck I never thought of that, shit! I was getting used to the idea of just one baby, but two?
“Don’t curse us, please. Fuck, man. I don’t know how to look after one baby, let alone two.”
“Can I have my child back now?” Evan asks as he walks over. I hand over Ryder to his dad.
“You’re looking a little clucky there, Christian.” He smiles.
Shit, I need to start hiding these feelings otherwise I am going to let the cat out of the bag.
“Please keep your spawn away from me, it has magical powers turning former players in to sappy wusses,” Axel jokes, before quickly hightailing it out of there.
“Ha ha, his time will come,” Evan states with a smile. “So are you wanting to knock up Ness?”
My eyes look over to where she is seated with the girls laughing, her caramel hair pulled up in a ponytail, she’s dressed in fitted jeans that mold to her tight rump and a plain white T-shit that shows off her very perky and generous assets.
“Yeah, man, I kind of do,” I confess.
“Well I can’t wait until you join the club, man. Kids change you, they are hard work, man, but fuck, the love you have for that tiny little human…nothing I have ever felt in my life comes close to that feeling.”
We both look down at little Ryder who is growing bigger and stronger every single day, growing from a baby to active boy. Evan’s mom has flown in from Houston to look after Ryder so that Evan and Sienna can have some free time together. They were not ready to leave him alone overnight.
