CHAPTER XXII
IN THE SMOKING ROOM
Wellington's divorce breakfast reminded Ashton of a story. Ashton wasone of the great That-Reminds-Me family. Perhaps it was to the creditof the Englishman that he missed the point of this story, even thoughJimmie Wellington saw it through his fog, and Dr. Temple turned redand buried his eyes in the eminently respectable pages of the_Scientific American_.
Ashton and Wellington and Fosdick exchanged winks over the Britisher'sstare of incomprehension, and Ashton explained it to him again inwords of one syllable, with signboards at all the difficult spots.
Finally a gleam of understanding broke over Wedgewood's face and hetried to justify his delay.
"Oh, yes, of cawse I see it now. Yes, I rather fancy I get you. It'sawfully good, isn't it? I think I should have got it before but I'mnot really myself; for two mawnings I haven't had my tub."
Wellington shook with laughter: "If you're like this now, what willyou be when you get to Sin san frasco--I mean Frinsansisco--well, youknow what I mean."
Ashton reached round for the electric button as if he were conferringa favor: "The drinks are on you, Wedgewood. I'll ring." And he rang.
"Awf'lly kind of you," said Wedgewood, "but how do you make that out?"
"The man that misses the point, pays for the drinks." And he rangagain. Wellington protested.
"But I've jolly well paid for all the drinks for two days."
Wellington roared: "That's another point you've missed." And Ashtonrang again, but the pale yellow individual who had always answered thebell with alacrity did not appear. "Where's that infernal buffetwaiter?" Ashton grumbled.
Wedgewood began to titter. "We were out of Scotch, so I sent him forsome more."
"When?"
"Two stations back. I fancy we must have left him behind."
"Well, why in thunder didn't you say so?" Ashton roared.
"It quite escaped my mind," Wedgewood grinned. "Rather good joke onyou fellows, what?"
"Well, I don't see the point," Ashton growled, but the triumphantEnglishman howled: "That's where _you_ pay!"
Wedgewood had his laugh to himself, for the others wanted to murderhim. Ashton advised a lynching, but the conductor arrived on the scenein time to prevent violence.
Fosdick informed him of the irretrievable loss of the useful buffetwaiter. The conductor promised to get another at Ogden.
Ashton wailed: "Have we got to sit here and die of thirst till then?"
The conductor refused to "back up for a coon," but offered to send ina sleeping-car porter as a temporary substitute.
As he started to go, Fosdick, who had been incessantly consulting hiswatch, checked him to ask: "Oh, conductor, when do we get to theState-line of dear old Utah?"
"Dear old Utah!" the conductor grinned. "We'd 'a' been there alreadyif we hadn't 'a' fell behind a little."
"Just my luck to be late," Fosdick moaned.
"What you so anxious to be in Utah for, Fosdick?" Ashton asked,suspiciously. "You go on to 'Frisco, don't you?"
Fosdick was evidently confused at the direct question. He tried tododge it: "Yes, but--funny how things have changed. When we started,nobody was speaking to anybody except his wife, now----"
"Now," said Ashton, drily, "everybody's speaking to everybody excepthis wife."
"You're wrong there," Little Jimmie interrupted. "I wasn't speakingto my wife in the first place. We got on as strangersh and we'restrangersh yet. Mrs. Well'n'ton is a----"
"A queen among women, we know! Dry up," said Ashton, and then theyheard the querulous voice of the porter of their sleeping car: "I tellyou, I don't know nothin' about the buffet business."
The conductor pushed him in with a gruff command: "Crawl in that cageand get busy."
Still the porter protested: "Mista Pullman engaged me for a sleepin'car, not a drinkin' car. I'm a berth-maker, not a mixer." He cast aresentful glance through the window that served also as a bar, and hiswhole tone changed: "Say, is you goin' to allow me loose amongst allthem beautiful bottles? Say, man, if you do, I can't guarantee myconduck."
"If you even sniff one of those bottles," the conductor warned him,"I'll crack it over your head."
"That won't worry me none--as long as my mouf's open." He smacked hischops over the prospect of intimacy with that liquid treasury. "Lordy!Well, I'll try to control my emotions--but remember, I don't guaranteenothin'."
The conductor started to go, but paused for final instructions: "Andremember--after we get to Utah you can't serve any hard liquor atall."
"What's that? Don't they 'low nothin' in that old Utah but ice-creamsoda?"
"That's about all. If you touch a drop, I'll leave you in Utah forlife."
"Oh, Lordy, I'll be good!"
The conductor left the excited black and went his way. Ashton was thefirst to speak: "Say, Porter, can you mix drinks?"
The porter ruminated, then confessed: "Well, not on the outside, no,sir. If you-all is thirsty you better order the simplest things youcan think of. If you was to command anything fancy, Lord knows whatyou'd get. Supposin' you was to say, 'Gimme a Tom Collins.' I'd bejust as liable as not to pass you a Jack Johnson."
"Well, can you open beer?"
"Oh, I'm a natural born beer-opener."
"Rush it out then. My throat is as full of alkali dust as thesewindows."
The porter soon appeared with a tray full of cotton-topped glasses.The day was hot and the alkali dust very oppressive, and the beer wascold. Dr. Temple looked on it when it was amber, and suffered himselfto be bullied into taking a glass.
He felt that he was the greatest sinner on earth, but worst of all wasthe fact that when he had fallen, the forbidden brew was not sweet. Hewas inexperienced enough to sip it and it was like foaming quinine onhis palate. But he kept at it from sheer shame, and his luxurioustransgression was its own punishment.
The doleful Mallory was on his way to join the "club". Crossing thevestibule he had met the conductor, and had ventured to quiz him alongthe old lines:
"Excuse me, haven't you taken any clergymen on board this train yet?"
"Devil a one."
"Don't you ever carry any preachers on this road?"
"Usually we get one or two. Last trip we carried a whole Methodistconvention."
"A whole convention last trip! Just my luck!"
The unenlightened conductor turned to call back: "Say, up in theforward car we got a couple of undertakers. They be of any use toyou?"
"Not yet."
Then Mallory dawdled on into the smoking room, where he found his ownporter, who explained that he had been "promoted to the bottlery."
"Do we come to a station stop soon?" Mallory asked.
"Well, not for a considerable interval. Do you want to get out andwalk up and down?"
"I don't," said Mallory, taking from under his coat Snoozleums, whomhe had smuggled past the new conductor. "Meanwhile, Porter, could yougive him something to eat to distract him?"
The porter grinned, and picking up a bill of fare held it out. "I gota meenuel. It ain't written in dog, but you can explain it to him.What would yo' canine desiah, sah?"
Snoozleums put out a paw and Mallory read what it indicated: "He sayshe'd like a filet Chateaubriand, but if you have any old bones, he'lltake those." The porter gathered Snoozleums in and disappeared withhim into the buffet, Mallory calling after him: "Don't let theconductor see him."
Dr. Temple advanced on the disconsolate youth with an effort at cheer:"How is our bridegroom this beautiful afternoon?"
Mallory glanced at his costume: "I feel like a rainbow gone wrong.Just my luck to have to borrow from everybody. Look at me! This collarof Mr. Wellington's makes me feel like a peanut in a rubber tire." Heturned to Fosdick.
"I say, Mr. Fosdick, what size collar do you wear?"
"Fourteen and a half," said Fosdick.
"Fourteen and a half!--why don't you get a neck? You haven't got aplain white shirt, have you? Our English friend lent me
this, but it'spurple, and Mr. Ashton's socks are maroon, and this peacock blue tieis very unhappy."
"I think I can fit you out," said Fosdick.
"And if you had an extra pair of socks," Mallory pleaded,--"just onepair of unemotional socks."
"I'll show you my repertoire."
"All right, I'll see you later." Then he went up to Wellington, withmuch hesitance of manner. "By the way, Mr. Wellington, do you supposeMrs. Wellington could lend Miss--Mrs.--could lend Marjoriesome--some----"
Wellington waved him aside with magnificent scorn: "I am no longer inMrs. Wellington's confidence."
"Oh, excuse me," said Mallory. He had noted that the Wellingtonsoccupied separate compartments, but for all he knew their reason wasas romantic as his own.
Excuse Me! Page 23
