by Tyler, Q. B.
She shrugs and plays with her hands in her lap. “I’ve got eyes.”
“Okay, and what do they see?”
She purses her lips and shakes her head, a sad smile finding her lips. “You need to figure that out yourself, I think.”
“So ominous.” I let my hands drop. “I gotta take a shower. Do you mind?” I point at my door and she sighs and stands up.
“Have fun on your date or whatever.” I don’t have time to question her attitude because my phone starts ringing in my pocket. I put the phone to my ear just as I hear Aria’s blaring warning to not be late, motherfucker.
I move down the steps, pulling my suit jacket over my button up and look at the young girl seated on my couch having changed into her pajamas. “You’re really not going out?” I ask her.
“I’m really not.” She affirms.
“Alright, I’m calling Peters.” She doesn’t even argue with me, knowing that it’s not an argument she can win.
“Or you could just…not go.” She shrugs and I narrow my gaze at her, wondering where that’s coming from.
“Why?”
She bites her bottom lip and takes a moment to stare at the television before turning to me. “Because I don’t want you to?”
Under normal circumstances, I would take time to unpack that statement. Try to dig to the root of her issue with me going out, but this morning coupled with Aria’s advice that I need to start putting myself out there makes me ignore that feeling in my gut that tells me to talk to Maddie.
“Maddie…”
She scrunches her nose, and if I didn’t know any better, I would say that she’s trying to prevent herself from crying. “You look nice,” she says softly before she moves off the couch and up the stairs without another word.
I pull up to the restaurant across town, having just checked in with Peters for the second time since I left about whether everything is okay. He’d promptly told me to relax, have fun, and fuck off before hanging up the phone.
The waiting area is large and dimly lit by lanterns that line the ceiling. The waitstaff is walking around taking orders for cocktails when I immediately spot Aria and Henry, the main focal point of the room, as everyone’s attention is drawn to them, like always. Aria and Henry look like a superstar couple when they go anywhere. Heads turn when they walk by like they belong in a Ralph Lauren catalogue under “perfectly dressed couple.”
Of course, their relationship looks much different from the inside.
Aria jumps up, her champagne almost spilling over the side, and waves me over. “Yay! You’re here! And on time!” She twirls her finger in a circle. “Turn for me.”
Henry nods at me and rolls his eyes, as if to say, she does this shit to me too. “Baby bro,” he says with a jerk of his chin. I nod back, even though a part of me is slightly irritated that he’d signed off on this charade. My older brother is a few inches taller than me but with significantly less muscle. His hair is darker and his eyes are more reminiscent of our father’s, a dark blue, unlike the brown of mine and my mother’s.
I spin around and look back at Aria. “Do you approve?”
Her bright red lips quirk up in a bright smile. “You look great. Proud of ya, champ.”
“You act like I can’t dress myself.”
“You can’t. Did Maddie okay this?”
A lump forms in my throat hearing her name and I immediately turn my head for a waiter with any kind of alcohol to loosen the knot. “Nah, she wasn’t really around when I left.”
“She wasn’t home? Where is she?” I immediately hear the mother in her voice.
“No, she was, but I only saw her briefly.”
Aria’s eyebrows furrow, but she doesn’t press further when a waft of very strong perfume floods my nostrils. I take a step back, hoping to put some space between myself and the oppressive scent when it just moves closer. I turn my head to see a woman with reddish-blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, and bright pink lips coming at me. A smile finds her mouth and her eyes as she sticks her hand out. “Hi, I’m Penelope.”
“Cal.” I know how to perform even when I’m not particularly in the mood, so I turn on the charm. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Penelope.” I smile and cock my head to the side, my obvious move that allows me to unashamedly check out a woman who would then think I was interested.
It inflated their ego and made them feel more comfortable. Even though I was far from interested in this moment. I can’t stop the nagging thought that keeps flaring up that Maddie is upset that I’ve gone out but I try to put it out of my head. We make our way to the table, my hand resting on the small of Penelope’s back as she yammers on about being so excited to try this restaurant. If I’m being honest, her voice is grating on my goddamn nerves. We are sitting at a table near a window, allowing us to stare into the forest behind the restaurant which is illuminated by hanging lights.
“I’m so glad we did this.” Aria smiles as she takes another sip of her champagne. Henry nurses his whiskey ginger and I fight the urge to text Madeline to make sure she’s okay. As if she can hear me, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Aria and Henry are no strangers to my having to respond to messages, so I don’t think anything of it when I pull my phone out. “Excuse me a second.”
I frown when I realize it’s not Madeline and really is work-related. Whatever, this actually could wait.
“Everything good, boss?” Aria asks with a raised eyebrow, and I nod.
“So, Aria says you’re the Chief of Police. Do you like it?” Penelope’s voice chirps from next to me.
“Yeah, it’s great. Love it. I’ve always wanted to be a cop, always wanted to help people, and the power to make a difference is a responsibility I don’t take lightly.”
“Wow,” she tucks a hand under her chin and smiles up at me, “that’s really admirable.”
I nod. Maddie admires me. She’s told me time and time again that I’m her hero. That she believes I was put on this Earth solely to change her life and the lives of so many other people. She is immensely proud of me, and I wear that pride with honor that shines brighter than any badge I have. “Thank you.”
“She also said you have a…umm…kind of daughter?”
I chuckle and my heart races as it always does as I prepare to explain to a potential romantic interest about Maddie. I don’t explain it to everyone, but a few people know the story of what went down in that shack across town all those years ago and are curious. I could practically hear the ovaries bursting every time I told the story, but I typically ignore it, as Madeline’s story isn’t one that did much besides gut me.
Her shaking body in my arms. Her fear of abandonment. The way she screamed for me when they tried to separate us. It took me to a dark place that sometimes takes me a second to break from. I scratch my beard as my eyes scan the restaurant, looking for someone that could bring me a drink. “Yeah, Madeline. She’s not my daughter.”
“But she lives with you?” I don’t think I hear the malice or judgment but it is borderline, so I already feel the defense coming as I prepare my statement.
Aria and Henry exchange a look, like they know that it’s too early to go down this road and that I’m seconds from reading her for giving her unsolicited opinion. “Yes.” I give her a look, warning her to watch her next step, which she must understand because her eyes widen and she shakes her head.
“I didn’t mean…I was just curious that’s all.”
“Curious about what? Do you go around asking people that adopt children that go through traumatic experiences why they felt the pull to take care of them?” Even as I hear the words, I know why I’m defensive, but I ignore the blaring light that tells me I no longer have those feelings for Maddie. That she is slowly shifting categories in my life and there is nothing I can do about it. I never technically adopted Maddie, so I don’t even know why I feel the need to make that analogy, and Aria and Henry must wonder too because they look at me curiously.
“I…sorry.” She lets out a
breath and looks at Aria. “Ummm, I’m going to go to the ladies room.”
She and Aria depart the table and Henry shoots me a glare. “Calm the fuck down, Cal. What is wrong with you?”
“You know how I feel about people giving their opinion about Maddie.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut. “She was just asking, and you bit her head off, preaching from some soapbox about adoption, when you never even adopted Maddie.” He eyes me from over his glass as he takes a sip.
“Sorry,” I grumble, realizing that maybe I was too quick to snap at her. It wasn’t her fault that I’d been wound up tight as fuck after this morning. Hell, more like the last fucking year.
He leans forward and his eyes narrow worriedly. “What is with you, man?”
“Nothing.”
“Is something up with Maddie? That’s the only time you’re really in a bad mood. Unless it’s something work-related, but Aria said things have been mild lately.”
I roll my eyes thinking about how my brother and his wife think that my mood could be controlled by a seventeen year old girl.
Almost eighteen, my mind decides to remind me and right on time, my cock jumps in my pants.
“I need a drink,” I say, looking around the restaurant. My face falls slightly when I see Aria and Penelope approaching the table. I was hoping to get a drink in before they returned. I figure now is the time to smooth things over if I don’t want Aria to chop my dick off tomorrow, so I turn to her and smile. “Sorry about that…I guess I’ve had a lot of opinions thrown at me for my decisions the last ten years.”
“Oh,” her eyes widen and she smiles like she wasn’t expecting my apology but thrilled she was getting it, “no worries, I understand. I didn’t mean to be intrusive.”
“All good. Should we get some drinks?”
We’re heading out later that night, after dinner, and Aria and Henry are moving towards their Uber after they both indulged in a few too many drinks. I, on the other hand, stuck to one and then switched to water, despite Penelope goading me into taking a few shots with them. “I hope you’re not driving.”
“No umm…I can call an Uber?” she says.
I’m instantly annoyed by my gentleman instinct kicking in when I just want to go home and check on Maddie after her radio silence all evening. When she was younger and I’d been on dates, she’d rapid-fire message me, asking me how it was going and to take a picture of the dessert menu so she could pick out something for me to bring her.
Things were so simple back then.
Didn’t stop me from ordering her a piece of carrot cake.
“I’ll take you home.”
“Oh, are you sure?” She looks up at me through her eyelashes and gives me a shy smile that I see through instantly.
“Yep, come on.”
Twenty minutes later, I’m pulling up to her apartment building and she hesitates with the door handle as I unbuckle my seatbelt to get out to walk her to her door. “Do you want to come up?”
“Maybe some other time, Penelope.” I smile at her, trying my best to let her down gently. “I have to be up early and—”
“I get it.” She cuts me off, and a part of me feels like a dick, but another part—an even bigger part—overwhelms me, and that part only cares about being a dick to Maddie.
I make my way around my car to help her out and walk her towards her front door. “I had fun.”
“Me too, Cal.” She hugs me, and as she pulls away, I press my lips to hers, trying to soothe the rejection she might be feeling as best as I can. Even as I do it, it feels wrong. I feel nothing and it irritates the shit out of me. She’s a good kisser and I can’t even appreciate it. Her arms immediately wrap around my neck as she pushes herself closer to me, sliding her tongue through my lips and coaxing mine into hers. I let this go on for a considerate amount of time, before I pull back, leaving a huge smile on her face. She gives me a small wave and I notice her perfume lingers even after she disappears inside.
I drive at the speed of a racecar driver to get home, and when I pull into my driveway, I nod at Peters on the way in. I’m not surprised to see a light on, knowing that Maddie always leaves it on for me so it’s not pitch black when I get home. I don’t expect her to be awake at 1 AM, so I’m shocked when I see her sitting on the stairs as soon as I walk in the house.
“Mads? Why are you awake? And sitting here?”
She blinks at me like she isn’t sure she heard me or isn’t sure how to answer. Shame and guilt encroach on my senses, and I try to push them away with the belief that I have no reason to feel guilty. “I brought cake.” I hold up the bag and again she doesn’t respond.
“Maddie, what’s wrong?” I move closer to sit next to her on the step, but that must have been the wrong thing to do because she backs up and shakes her head.
“I smell her all over you.” She scrunches her nose like it’s offensive.
“Sorry, she was wearing a lot.”
“I…I can take it to the dry cleaning…your jacket. Because it’s…strong.” I can’t read her mood, so I just nod graciously. “Did you like her?”
“She was nice.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“Maddie, what’s going on with you, huh? I feel like you’re so angry with me and…”
“Because you’re angry with me!” She stands up in front of me and furrows her brows at me.
I furrow my brows, confused. When am I ever mad at you? “What? No, I’m not. Why would I be mad?”
“This morning?” she asks weakly.
Oh. Right. The whole reason I even agreed to this fucking date. To further emphasize the line that Maddie and I didn’t need to be crossing. Ever.
“I’m not mad. It was an accident. We’re good, Maddie. Always.” I smile at her, hoping that makes her a little less mad at me. Except her eyes show that she’s pissed.
“Did you kiss her?”
“What?”
“There’s lipstick…” She points at my face and I can see the hurt as clear as day on her face.
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I didn’t even think to check the mirror between dropping her off and getting home.
“Maddie, you’re out of fucking line.” I stand up, officially over this conversation. But not quite for the reason I was expecting. I’m over it because she’s jealous and I hate that she is. I hate that she doesn’t know me well enough to know that she is the only woman that matters to me.
My mind tries to ignore that I just thought of her as a woman. But my dick hears it loud and clear.
My mind continues to race as I put her cake in the fridge.
“Excuse me?” she snaps at me.
“You heard me, Madeline. So, what, I kissed her? Why does that fucking matter?” I hope she can hear the translation in my words. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. You. fucking. Matter. Don’t make us do this tonight.
She blinks her eyes a few times and shakes her head. “You’re right. Shit. It’s…your business.”
Fuck that. “Maddie…” I reach an arm out for her, suddenly pissed at myself for the tone I took with her as I witness her shutting down before my very eyes.
“Thanks for the cake. I’m going to bed.” She backs out of the room slowly, like I might attack her if she makes any sudden movements before I hear her bolting up the stairs and closing her door.
I CAN FEEL THE PHYSICAL ache behind my eyelids the next morning when the sunlight peers through my blinds. I spent the entire night in tears after what happened between me and Cal and not just because I was upset and feeling what I believe to be some sort of heartbreak, but because I was humiliated. I acted like a jealous girlfriend and he fucking called me on it.
How the hell am I supposed to face him ever again?
I’ll admit it, I was jealous. Seeing the pink on his lips mixed with her scent all over him made me feel territorial as fuck. It pissed me off that some woman had tried to stake her claim on him. A claim that I had somehow twiste
d myself into believing I’m entitled to.
You can’t fucking have him, Maddie! I had been so blind with jealousy that the words were leaving my mouth before I could stop them.
Cal doesn’t want you, Maddie. Why the hell would he want some dumb kid?! A kid who’s sheets he had to change when she wet the bed.
Even though it was only once, it happened, and what makes you think he’d ever see you in a way other than that girl? Maybe one day as an adult, but certainly never as a partner.
I pry my eyes open and groan when the harshness of daylight hits my face. I submerge my face in my pillow and groan again. My eyes feel swollen and tired and I can already bet that they’re red along with my splotchy skin that comes with my crying. The house is quiet, and I’m assuming Cal has already left for work, so I pad out of my bedroom and down the stairs to look for coffee without even a glance in a mirror. When I get downstairs, I’m stunned to see him sitting in the kitchen, reading the newspaper, and for a brief moment, I think about darting back upstairs to hide.
Great.
I walk by him, mumbling a Morning and grab a mug to pour myself a cup of coffee.
“Hey.” His voice is smooth. Like warm honey pouring over me and sinking into my bones.
I turn around and put the steaming cup to my lips. “Hey.”
He frowns and stands up, making his way over to me. “Your eyes are so red.” He touches the skin under them and it might as well have been a direct line to my sex because it throbs under his innocent touch.
“I uh—I was up late reading on my phone.”
He nods like he doesn’t believe me and takes a step back. “I told you to stop that. You’re going to ruin your eyes.”
His scolding doesn’t do anything but exacerbate the pulse. God, what is wrong with me?
“Right. Sorry.”
“Hey, listen about last night…” he starts and I shake my head, not wanting to go down this road again and already feeling the familiar prickle that causes my tears to form.
