My Life as a Holiday Album (My Life as an Album #5)

by L. J. Evans

  What it meant for me was that I was meeting almost her entire extended family on the same day. Both the ones who were related by blood and the ones who were related by choice. At each stop along the way, as ‘Z introduced me to yet more people, I thought she’d break the news. But instead, she stayed silent.

  It was eating at her as much as it was me. She was bouncing off her toes, talking at that mile-a-minute speed she did when nervous, and zipping back and forth between the trees and the storage boxes. But she still didn’t come clean. She held back, and I didn’t understand why.

  As she and I drove to the last stop of the night, we were momentarily alone, and I squeezed her hand reassuringly. “We have to tell them tonight, ‘Z.”

  “Why? Ty has already shaken them up today. What’s a few more hours?”

  I was taken aback that she even suggested it. That we could possibly hold back something this big once we’d seen them in person. It was bad enough we’d actually gotten married without them there. I knew from the love and happiness I’d witnessed sifting through them today that it would wound them. A rift I didn’t want to be the cause of.

  “I can’t sleep in their house, in your bed, without them knowing,” I said.

  She looked out the window.

  “Are you ashamed of me? Of the fact that we got married?” I asked her, heart stammering.

  “No!” She looked offended that I’d even suggested it. “I don’t regret you or us or anything. I just don’t want to tell Mama and Daddy in front of everyone. I feel like they deserve to hear it without an audience.”

  She was right. It was the most respectful thing to do, but I still felt like she was holding out on me. There was something more going on that I wasn’t seeing.

  I parked outside a huge ranch house. Every house we’d been to had seemed like a mansion. My family lived in a townhouse near the college. We weren’t poor. We weren’t even close to poor with two UTK tenured professors in the house, but these people seemed to have more money than I’d ever experienced. Horse farms and rock bands and car dealerships.

  I swallowed hard, trying to banish the thoughts tormenting me about taking her from all of this in order to live a life as a military wife. To live in some godforsaken town in Texas where she’d be alone for much of the time as I went through flight school. I pushed all those thoughts aside and put the promise I’d made at the forefront. I’d promised I’d make our life together a brilliant kaleidoscope so she’d never once wish she hadn’t taken this leap with me.

  But before that could happen, we had to be honest with everyone.

  “We have to tell them tonight, ‘Z. Promise me. Not here, in front of everyone, but tonight, before we go to bed.”

  She nodded, but I tugged at her chin so I could see her eyes, searching them.

  “I promise,” she said. And I believed her because ‘Z had never broken a promise to me.

  Our breaths mingled and swirled around us in the air that had turned freezing when the sun dipped behind the mountains as we jogged up the steps, the quiet broken by the noise ringing out from the house. When we entered, the volume was almost at a fever pitch. The group we’d started with had morphed from a half dozen into a full football team’s worth of bodies. Her Aunt Cam and Uncle Blake’s house was loud with laughter, mild drunkenness, and music. Songs I recognized from the Watery Reflection holiday album.

  “Wednesday!” A guy around my age, early twenties, with floppy brown hair and a huge smile called to her just before he wrapped an arm around her.

  My body went on alert.

  “Dork-a-lot,” ‘Z said, punching him in the shoulder as she removed herself from his hug. “How goes the circuit?”

  “Gritty, dirty, and fast-paced. Just how I love it.” He lifted a chin in my direction. “Who’s your shadow?”

  I saw ‘Z swallow, and I couldn’t help the sting to my heart. Doubts started to filter into my brain.

  “This is my…boyfriend, Brett,” she said and then swung a hand back toward the shaggy male. “This is my wild, rodeo fiend of a cousin, Dalton. He rides broncos bareback and hunts women.”

  Dalton’s face turned into one big smile. I tried to put all the pieces of her family together. He looked a lot like her Uncle Blake, who was Khiley’s dad. I knew Khiley from UTK, as she was one of Eliza’s closest friends.

  “Are you Khiley’s brother?” I asked.

  Dalton chuckled. “Nah, I belong to the non-famous side of the Abbott family. My dad, Matt, owns the horse ranch.”

  He spoke as if owning a horse ranch was an everyday occurrence.

  A burst of laughter and good-humored moaning came from the direction of the kitchen.

  “What’s going on in there?” ‘Z asked.

  “Cards,” Dalton responded.

  She shook her head. “We’re here for the night then.”

  “Damn straight,” Dalton responded. Then, he looked my way. “Can I get you a beer?”

  I shook my head. “No, but thanks.”

  He eyed me up and down in a way I was far more accustomed to than I should have been just as Ty walked up behind him. Eliza’s brother wrapped his arm around Dalton’s throat, ruffling his hair. Dalton tried to shake him off without spilling his beer. “Get off, you dumb jock.”

  “Says the rodeo clown,” Ty said. The two proceeded to all but fall to the floor wrestling.

  Way too much testosterone for my liking.

  “Haven’t you two grown out of this yet?” Eliza asked.

  They both grinned up at her as they continued to tussle.

  “Keep it up, Wednesday, and we may not throw you to the floor, but we might put the boyfriend to the test,” Dalton teased.

  “Keep up the Wednesday, and I’ll show you how we treat new recruits,” I growled at him because ‘Z didn’t like to be called Wednesday. Didn’t he know that? As her cousin, he should have.

  Ty froze, the grin slipping off his face. “Defending my sister, Davies?”

  I just glowered.

  Ty punched Dalton in the shoulder and took off toward the kitchen. “You can keep him, Twerp-ette,” he hollered back.

  Dalton slugged back his beer, making his way over to a window seat where Khiley and her fiancé, Stephen, were huddled together. Every time I’d been around them in Knoxville, they’d been glued together like soap and water, but the truth of the matter was ‘Z and I had been around my family way more often than hers.

  “Sorry,” Eliza said to me, fingers finding mine.

  “Why are you apologizing?”

  “It’s a lot to take in.”

  I nodded because it was, but it wasn’t any more than she’d taken in with the crowd at my parents’ on Christmas. Eliza tugged me in the direction Ty had gone, to the kitchen and the continuing bursts of laughter and groans.

  The family members gathered around the table were playing some random card game I’d never played. Spades was the mainstay of my family’s gatherings, but it wasn’t the game that mattered. It was the shared experience. Companionship. Friendly competition.

  As I took it all in, including the quieter version of Eliza that she was among them, I started to understand the comment she’d made to me months ago. She’d said her family was the best and worst of her. She’d said she was the “leftover” of her bigger, brighter family members. And I could sort of see what she meant. The buzz and energy driving ‘Z almost blended in here with the dynamic electricity exuding from the group, but what she didn’t see was how beautiful her silvery light shined against the golden streams. She was like the moonlight dancing effervescently over rippling water. Quiet and serene but still majestic, even if it was softer than the forceful shower of sun rays.

  I’d take that softer, more elegant light any day of the week.

  Eliza

  CHRISTMAS EVE

  “Don't know how I got where I am

  Hurting so much, I need healing.”

  Performed by Gwen Stefani />
  Written by Stefani / Tranter / Busbee

  My heart kept tumbling down to my stomach every time I introduced Brett. I’d almost messed up when Dalton had asked who he was. When he’d asked about my shadow, I’d wanted to claim him for what he was—my husband. But I hadn’t because I’d been honest when I’d told Brett we needed to tell my parents alone first. It was going to be bad enough breaking it to them without putting on a show. Mama would hate that almost as much as hating that I’d gotten married without telling her.

  What I hadn’t been honest with him about was the fact that I was stalling.

  My worlds were merging together. The wall I’d assembled between them was disappearing, and with it came the fear. Dread was filling my soul like a well filling with rainwater—slowly, inescapably. The terror of repeating what had happened every single time I’d brought home anyone I cared about.

  It was cowardly. It was a blatant lack of faith in the man I’d married, and I hated myself for it, but the anxiety wouldn’t let go of me. It held on tight, squeezing like a vise on the heart I’d given away. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to live without…without him if he left me for them.

  As Brett and I entered the kitchen at the ranch, Aunt Cam and Mama were harassing Aunt Wynn about her uneven brownies. Their laughter was barely audible over the noise coming from my aunts, uncles, and grandparents, who were arguing over cards at the kitchen table.

  Uncle Lonnie was watching it all, leaning up against the counter, his enormous frame barely fitting in the corner he’d tucked himself into. He smiled wide when he saw me, waving us over to him.

  “Let me see the latest shots,” he said.

  I pulled out my phone, opening it to my photo album, excited to show him some of the latest pictures I’d taken for one of my classes. One of the photos was of the UTK sign. I’d taken the exact same image across each of the seasons and then melded them together. I was really proud of the way it had come out.

  “Great layering. You can’t even tell it was four different shots,” Uncle Lonnie said, and I couldn’t help the glow of happiness that took over me.

  “She’s really good,” Brett said, putting an arm around my waist and drawing me close. “But she never believes me. I’m glad she believes someone.”

  “She’s my Padawan.”

  “And you’re my Jedi Master.” I smiled back at Uncle Lonnie.

  My uncle took in Brett again and asked, “Flight school, huh?”

  Brett nodded.

  “He already has his pilot’s license. He’s had it since he was seventeen,” I said. I was proud of Brett. Of the work he’d done from an early age to accomplish his dreams by flying with his grandfather.

  “We need a new pilot. Too bad you joined the Air Force. We could use you,” Uncle Lonnie added on.

  I bristled on Brett’s behalf, but he just responded with the truth. “Air Force is the right choice for me. I’m hoping to be accepted into the astronaut program someday, but for now, I’m happy flying planes.”

  “Eliza is going to miss you,” Mama said, turning from her discussion of the brownies to our conversation.

  Brett cleared his throat, our eyes meeting, and I knew he was going to cave. He was going to say something, because lying and hiding were not anywhere near his moral code.

  “Well—” he started.

  “I’ll be able to see him more than you think,” I jumped in with a half-truth.

  Brett frowned. A frown he rarely wore, but one he’d had on his face a lot throughout the day. Remorse twisted my heart and my stomach because my family wasn’t even getting to see the real Brett. The smiling, kind, gentle soul. They were getting this alternate Brett who was serious and full of misgivings.

  I was ashamed of myself, and I knew Brett was going to call me on it before the night was over. He had a right to. I was behaving so incredibly badly toward the one person who meant the most to me. I tried to make up for it by holding on tight to him. By kissing him on the cheek as proof I loved him even as I wallowed in a well of sorrow that my past had built for me.

  ♫ ♫ ♫

  It was late by the time we got home. Brett had been quiet in the car. I hated that I was the reason. The longer we waited, the higher both of our anxieties grew and the higher my dread climbed until I was left showing off my moody Wednesday Addams in all its glory.

  It was ridiculous how sharp and harsh the pain of my past still was.

  Once we told everyone the truth, I’d have to share him—not only him but his entire beautiful family I’d called my own for a year. I’d have to let them become part of the mix-matched goulash that was my family.

  And that was always when the shit hit the fan.

  When I shared the people who mattered most, they always walked away.

  I rubbed my eyebrows vigorously.

  When we walked in the house, Ty and Maleena were kissing and groping each other down the hallway, oblivious to the world. The rest of the house was quiet, even though the lights were on in the kitchen, and the door to the basement and Daddy’s studio was opened.

  I ignored it, suddenly wanting to lose myself in Brett more than anything else, just like Ty and Maleena were lost to each other. I didn’t want to do anything else but that, so I turned from the kitchen and headed toward my room.

  Brett followed, and when he got inside, I basically threw myself into his arms and started kissing him. His hands froze in surprise at the intensity of my attack, and then he kissed me back, fiercely, with the passion we’d found in each other welling up in both of us. The love we’d found together and built into something beautiful.

  I threw off my jacket and heeled off my boots before turning to tug at his clothes. But the more I tugged, the more he pulled back until there was more space between us than there had been in days.

  “I love you,” I said, my voice ragged with desire.

  He nodded. “I know. And I love you so much I can barely contain it. But you promised we’d tell them tonight.”

  I was shaking my head before he’d even finished, and his somber face turned into a full-on frown.

  “It’s too late. If Daddy is awake, he’ll be in the studio where he pretty much lives while making a record.”

  “Let’s go see,” he said, turning to leave my room.

  “No!” I yelped, jumping between him and the door.

  I wrapped my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest. He put his hands on the door on either side of me, leaning down to kiss the top of my head.

  “What’s going on, ‘Z?”

  I shrugged. Liar.

  “You promised,” he said quietly.

  I had.

  “I’m just not sure I can do it…not tonight,” I told him, and he drew away from me completely. His face was full of pain before he turned away, and my heart thudded because I was hurting him. I was making him think this was because of him. That I didn’t want to be with him, which was the furthest thing from the truth.

  He grabbed his military duffel before coming back to me. Panic filled me.

  “What are you doing?” I asked breathlessly.

  “Leaving.” His voice cracked with heartache. My fear that he would choose them over me would end with him leaving me anyway. I was losing him regardless, and yet, I was trapped in a wall of dread with no way to move.

  “Wh-why?” I asked when I didn’t need to.

  He looked knowingly at me. I’d broken my promise. I was letting him down. I was lying. I was an awful person full of cowardice and fear.

  When he got to the door I still blocked, he picked me up, set me aside, and then headed out the door. He didn’t stop at the great room. He kept going until he’d gotten to the front door, and then he was out it, and I was chasing after him without my shoes or my jacket. My socked feet hit the stone path, and I slid a little. The wet and cold from the soft dusting of snow that had fallen while we were at Aunt Cam’s immediately invaded my body.

  �
��Please stop,” I called after him, tears already flying down my face.

  He turned back to me, his dark eyes glimmering with sorrow. Heart on his sleeve. Love and pain both on display.

  “I’ll text you, and we’ll figure out how to fix this. To get the marriage annulled, or undone, or whatever the hell needs to happen.” The heartbreak in his voice tore me into shreds.

  He turned and started down the driveway.

  “I don’t want that!” I cried out.

  “You don’t want to be married to me either.” And he didn’t stop walking.

  “Don’t you dare say that. I’m the one who begged you to marry me. How can you say I don’t want this? How can you think I don’t want you?” Tears were pouring down my face as I followed him, socks turning quickly into popsicles. But I couldn’t blame him. My actions today had been the opposite of my words, and actions always spoke louder.

  “If you really did, you would have told them. You would have been bursting out of your skin to tell them before we got married or, at the very least, the moment we walked in the door. You wouldn’t have kept it―kept me―like some dirty secret.”

  His voice was choked full of emotions. He was still going, heading toward the security gate at the bottom of the hill, and I continued to follow even as my feet started to scream and burn.

  “Where will you go?” I cried.

  “I’m walking to town.”

  “You’ll freeze.”

  Those weren’t the words I wanted to say. It was obvious that he’d also wanted me to say something different, because surprise followed by more hurt spread across his face. In the light of the moon skirting from behind the clouds, I could see he was crying. Just like I was crying.

  I’d never let anyone this close to me. Not since those first friendships and first crushes had turned into nothing more than stunts to be closer to my family rather than me. I’d never let someone so close that I wouldn’t have been able to breathe if they were gone, but that was how I felt with Brett. As if my entire being would wither and die without him. Every time someone had walked away in the past, I’d let them. I’d never begged anyone to stay. Because they hadn’t really wanted to stay. Not for me, anyway.