by Maya Banks
They waited at the gate while the driver spoke through the intercom. It wasn’t Cam who answered. She was pretty certain it was John. A moment later, the gate swung open and the cab pulled up the driveway. He parked in front and she paid him and got out after telling him not to wait.
John opened the front door and came out to greet her, worry on his face.
“Is Cam home?” she asked quietly.
“He is. He retired an hour ago,” John replied as he ushered her inside.
“I need to see him. I’ll wait in his office.”
She didn’t give John a chance to argue. She simply turned and walked across the living room to the office. She didn’t bother turning on the lights. There was something soothing about the darkness.
She stopped by the window, staring out into the night, at the bright, star-filled sky. Fairy dust. A million wishes. She only needed one. Just one.
The door opened behind her. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and then turned to see Cam standing there in the dark.
“Pippa?”
There was concern and bewilderment in his voice. He took another step forward and then reached down to turn on a lamp that rested on the table by one of the armchairs.
She flinched at the sudden burst of light and turned away, not wanting him to see what she was sure was obvious on her face. But how could she hide it? How could she hide how devastated she was?
“What’s wrong, Pippa? What are you doing all the way out here at this time of night?”
She swallowed, squared her shoulders and then took a deep breath. She turned to face him fully, uncaring of what he’d see.
“Are we done, Cam?” she asked bluntly.
He blinked in surprise. He opened his mouth and then snapped it shut again and frowned. “I’m not sure what to say here.”
She took a step forward. “Let me make this easy for you, Cam. I love you.”
He went pale and flinched. His reaction spoke volumes. It told her everything she needed to know but some demon inside her persisted. She’d gone this far and she’d see it to the bitter end even if it humiliated her in the process.
“I need to know where I stand,” she said in an even voice. “One minute you seem to want me and we act like—we are—lovers. The next you can’t get away from me fast enough and you’re cold, like I’m some random stranger.”
Cam’s lips tightened. “I was honest with you from the onset.”
She nodded. “Yes, you were. No doubt about that. But you’re sending mixed signals. Your actions contradict your words. I need to know if I have a chance here, Cam.”
He started to turn away and it infuriated her.
“Don’t turn your back on me,” she bit out. “At least give me that. Face me and tell me why you can’t give me commitment, why you can’t love me. I understand you lost people you loved. I get it. But it’s time to move on. You have a child, a son, who needs you. I need you,” she finished in an aching voice.
Cam whirled back around, his eyes flashing furiously. “Move on? You get it? How the hell do you get it, Pippa? You think that by spouting some clichéd armchair psychology crap at me that I’m supposed to say, oh, you’re right, and then live happily ever after?”
“What I think is that it’s ridiculous to believe you can’t love anyone else.”
He closed his eyes and his jaw tightened. When he reopened them, he stared directly at her, his tone even. “It’s not that I can’t love again. I’m not one of these people who believes you only get one shot, that there’s only one soul mate out there and if you screw that up you’re out of luck for the rest of your life.”
Her mouth fell open because, of all things, this was not what she’d expected to hear. “Then why?” she whispered. “Why can’t you love me and our baby?”
He slapped his hands down on his desk and glared at her with eyes so dark and haunted that she flinched.
“It’s not that I can’t love you, Pippa. I don’t want to. Do you understand? I don’t want to love you.”
She recoiled, so stunned that she couldn’t even respond. She wrapped her arms around her belly and stood back, hurt spreading to every corner of her soul.
His words when they came were angry and frustrated, as though he hated having to explain himself, as if he hated admitting what he’d just blurted out.
“If I don’t love you, then it won’t hurt me if something happens to you. If I don’t love you, then nothing you do will touch me. I don’t ever want to feel the way I did when I watched Elise and Colton die in front of me. You can’t possibly understand that. I hope you never have to.”
Her arms crept tighter around herself, as if to ward off the unbearable pain of his rejection.
“You would shut out me and your own child because you’re too afraid to take that risk?” she asked hoarsely. “What kind of an unfeeling monster are you?”
He jabbed a finger in her direction. “You’ve got that right. Unfeeling. It’s exactly the way I want to be. I don’t want to feel a damn thing.”
Anger hummed through her veins, replacing the ice that had rapidly formed. “You bastard. You callous, manipulative bastard. What the hell have you been doing for the past months? If you were so determined not to have a relationship, then why did you continue to make love to me?”
His gaze dropped and guilt shadowed his face.
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? Am I supposed to be all sympathetic and pet your poor damaged heart just because something horrible happened to you in the past? I’ve got news for you, Cam. Life sucks. It isn’t perfect for anyone and you aren’t special. Bad things happen to people all the time but they don’t become heartless jerks and piss on everyone around them. They get up, dust themselves off and keep on living. Maybe you never got that memo.”
“That’s enough,” he said tightly.
“Oh, hell, no, it isn’t. I’m just getting warmed up and you’re going to listen to everything I have to say. You owe me that much. One day you’ll regret this. You’ll regret that you turned your back on me and our baby. You’ll find someone you want to marry and you’ll think about the fact that you have a son out there who never had a father because you were a coward.”
“Somehow I don’t think my future wife would care for the fact that my mistress and our love child were in such close proximity,” he snapped.
The blood left her face and she took another step back as if he’d physically hit her. His face went gray and he started toward her as if he knew he’d gone too far.
She held up her hand to halt him. She was barely holding on to her composure and only her pride was keeping her upright at this point. This was pointless. They were two snapping dogs trying to hurt each other with quick, angry words. It solved nothing. It never would.
“We’re done,” she said in a cold voice. “I want nothing from you, Cam. Not your support. Not your money. Definitely not your presence. I don’t want you anywhere near me or my child. My child. Not yours. You don’t want us and quite frankly we don’t need you.”
“Pippa…”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to hear it. But know this, Cam. One day you’re going to wake up and realize you’ve made a horrible, horrible mistake. I won’t be there.” She cupped her hands over her belly. “We won’t be there. I deserve more. I deserve a man who’ll give me everything and not just throw money or convenience at me. More than that, my child deserves more. He deserves a father who’ll love him unconditionally. Who’ll go to the wall for him every damn day. Not a father incapable of loving anyone but himself.”
She turned to walk out but paused at the door. She faced him one last time, ignoring the utter bleakness in his eyes.
“I loved you, Cam. I never asked you for anything. That’s true. And yes, you were up front from the beginning, so shame on me for changing the rules. I have equal responsibility for this debacle, but just because I made a mistake doesn’t mean that I’m going to punish myself for the rest of my life and I’m damn sure
not going to make my child suffer for my stupidity. I’d tell you to have a nice life, but somehow I don’t think that’s going to be possible because you’re far too content to wallow in your misery.”
She yanked open the door and walked out, slamming it behind her. It wasn’t until she got outside the front entrance that she remembered she hadn’t asked the cabbie to wait and now she was stranded at this damn monstrosity of a house.
“Miss Laingley, will you allow me to drive you home?”
She turned to see John standing there, his eyes soft with sympathy. It was the last straw. She burst into tears and then allowed him to guide her toward the waiting car.
CHAPTER 20
Cam sank into the chair behind his desk and buried his face in his hands.
He’d followed Pippa out the door and seen that John was giving her a ride home. He’d watched as the car drove down the lane, the lights disappearing in the distance.
For how long he stood there, numb, he didn’t know. He realized the door was still open and the wind had picked up. A chill had stolen over him but he knew it wasn’t the temperature. He was cold on the inside. Dead. Still breathing and yet dead. He had been for a long time.
Now, sitting at his desk, his gut clenched. His chest ached. It shouldn’t. He should be relieved. It was done. There was no possible way for Pippa to misunderstand.
Clean break. He’d done exactly what he should have done from the very beginning.
So why didn’t he feel vindicated? Relieved, even? He should be glad. He could go back to his unemotional existence where he didn’t have to feel pain.
Only none of that was true. He hurt now. He hurt so damn much that he couldn’t breathe around the knot in his throat.
He’d lost Pippa.
The very thing he’d tried to protect himself from was the pain of loss. The despair and frustration of not being able to keep a loved one safe was his reality. Right here, right now.
He’d lost Pippa. He’d lost his son.
His son.
An innocent, precious life.
A child who deserved to have the world at his feet. Two parents who loved him. A father who’d protect him from all the hurts and disappointments life had to offer.
Oh, God, he was a bastard. He was such an unfeeling monster, just what Pippa had accused him of being. Only he wasn’t unfeeling. Right now he’d give anything not to be able to feel this agony.
Seeing Pippa tonight and the evidence of just how low he’d brought her down made him want to die. She’d stood before him, pain in her eyes, and yet she’d still put herself out there. She’d taken a chance. Laid it all out.
And he’d slapped her down because he was afraid.
It was humbling to realize just what a coward he was. What a coward he had been for so long.
He’d been given something many people never got. Something others wished for, would kill for, would live every single day of their life in gratitude for.
A second chance.
Another chance at something so special and wonderful.
Pippa was a breath of fresh air into a life he’d quit living. He went through the motions. He performed. But he’d stopped truly living a long time ago.
Pippa had changed all that. From the moment he’d first seen her walk into a room, she’d been like a bolt of lightning to his senses.
Her smile, her laughter, her take-no-prisoners attitude. Her confidence. Her inner beauty. And her courage.
When he really stopped to consider just how much she’d had to shoulder alone these past few months it made him physically ill. She was young, had plans. She could have anyone and yet she’d chosen him. He’d made her pregnant and yet she soldiered on, making the best of a difficult situation.
She’d fought fiercely, was still fighting fiercely for his son. He was so damn proud of her and so damn ashamed of himself that he couldn’t bear to think about it.
He didn’t deserve her. She was right about that.
But he wanted her. Oh, God, he wanted her.
It was laughable that he’d actually thought that he could spare himself the pain of loss by shutting himself off and away, by closing the door on a relationship with Pippa.
He’d been so worried about losing her that the very thing he feared the most had happened. At his instigation!
Stupid didn’t even begin to cover it.
He pushed upward from his chair, suddenly agitated and more determined than he’d ever been in his life.
He loved her, damn it.
He’d lied to himself and to her. He’d spouted all kinds of crap about not wanting to love her. Yeah, he hadn’t wanted to but he did and that wasn’t going to change.
And now he had to crawl on hands and knees and beg her to give him yet another chance.
He hurried out of his office and through the kitchen to the garage. He yanked the keys from the hook, and not giving any consideration to how he looked or how he was dressed, he climbed into the Escalade.
He was driving back to the damn city and he was going to her apartment and he didn’t care if it was four in the morning. This couldn’t wait. He couldn’t wait.
Some things needed to be done immediately, and this was one of them. He’d made her wait all this time. He wasn’t waiting another damn moment.
It had taken immeasurable courage for her to come to his house and face him down, tell him she loved him and wait with her heart on her sleeve.
How could he not do the same for her?
It would be the hardest thing and yet the easiest thing he’d ever do. Because when faced with the alternative of living his life without her and their son? Crawling didn’t seem so bad.
* * *
Pippa trudged into her apartment, weariness overtaking her. Her head ached from trying to hold off the tears. Her eyes were swollen and scratchy. She was heartsick and numb from head to toe.
She felt…lost. Like she wasn’t sure what came next. There was such finality to her confrontation with Cam. What was she supposed to do?
She sank onto the couch, tossed her purse onto the coffee table and closed her eyes. Her head throbbed. She needed sleep. At least there, she could escape for a while and not feel so horrible.
She arranged one of the cushions against the arm of the couch and pulled her feet up, curling up on her side. Exhaustion beat at her, making her remember that between her grand opening, Ashley giving birth and all the angst over Cam, she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in longer than she could remember.
She pulled out her phone, looked at the time and winced. She’d need to be up in just a couple of hours. She set the alarm on her phone so she’d be sure to wake and then she reached over to set it on top of the coffee table next to her purse.
Then she closed her eyes and let the comforting blanket of sleep slide over her.
* * *
The smell of smoke woke Pippa from a dead sleep. She opened her eyes, confused by the darkness and the acrid smell of something burning. She blinked away the cloud of disorientation and then shoved herself up from the couch in horror.
Flames surrounded her and the scorching heat singed her skin. Everywhere there was a wall of orange fire and smoke billowing heavily. It was so dense she had no idea where she was or which way was out or if there even was a way out.
She breathed in and then coughed as her lungs burned. Panic slammed into her as she realized the horrific danger she was in.
Clutching her belly, she lunged from the couch, trying to see through the flames and smoke to know if she could make it to the door.
Then she remembered that in a fire, the safest place to be was as close to the floor as possible. She dropped down, as low as she could with her burgeoning belly, and pulled her shirt up to cover her nose and mouth.
Her phone. Where was her phone?
She turned back but lost sight of the couch in the haze of smoke. She was fast becoming so disoriented that if she didn’t do something now she was going to die.
She closed
her eyes and pictured the layout of the room and forced her panic down so she could focus. She knew every inch of her apartment and she wasn’t going to let her hysteria make her do something stupid.
She had to save her baby. She had to save herself.
Still holding her shirt over her face, she began to crawl in the direction of the front door. Above her, flames licked over the ceiling and smoke billowed from every corner. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe and she was sick with worry of what this was doing to her baby.
Thoughts of her child renewed her determination to get out no matter what. She scrambled over hot, smoldering rubble and made it to the foyer. Just a little farther. There didn’t appear to be as much smoke close to the door and she put on a burst of speed, ignoring the cuts and burns to her palms and knees.
She was a few feet away when the door splintered and cracked and caved in. Smoke began drawing through the opening, pulling around her and enveloping her. She heard a shout and then strong hands gripped her, pulling her upward.
The fireman cradled her in his arms and barged out the front door into the cool night air. Around her, the world was a sea of flashing lights, smoke and flames shooting toward the star-filled sky.
“Is there anyone else in your apartment?” the fireman yelled to her.
She shook her head. “No,” she replied, dismayed by the fact the denial came out in a barely audible croak.
He carried her to a waiting ambulance where she was handed over to another man who promptly put her on a stretcher.
“The baby,” she rasped out. “I’m pregnant.”
An oxygen mask covered her face, blocking out anything further she’d say. The next thing she knew, she was laid flat, pushed into the back of the ambulance and two paramedics hovered anxiously over.
There was a prick in her arm. They shouted down questions to her. She tried to tell them she was okay, but she couldn’t say anything through the mask and her throat hurt too badly, anyway.
Numbly she lay there, trying to process what had just happened. Darkness grew around the edges of her sight and then one of the medics leaned down close, shouting at her to stay awake and with them.
