by Erin Trejo
“You should read that.” She nods her head at the envelope, holding contents I don’t want to read. “Maybe Rory had some different insight for you.” With that Lacrista shoves out of the seat but I stop her.
“How is she?” She slowly turns to face me and shrugs.
“She’s alive.”
That’s it. That’s all she gives me before walking away and somehow those two ominous words send a chill down my spine. She isn’t alive. She’s breathing and that isn’t the same thing. Ignoring the tug at my heart, I grab the envelope and rip it open.
Kellin,
Shit, Kell. The plans changed, didn’t they? We always knew we would take your dad out and move on with our lives. The thing is…I couldn’t see a life outside of this. Not for me anyway. The more I tried, the darker it got inside my head. Everything moved faster than we planned on, but when Rose was brought into the fold, I knew what I had to do. I saw how you looked at her. She’s your redemption, Kellin. Take it. We were never meant for this life; it was thrown at us. Being born into something doesn’t mean you have to stay there. You are better than all this shit ever was. Even though we were supposed to look at each other as coven brothers, we were more than that. You were my brother in every sense of the word. I want you to be happy, Kell. I want you to find out who you are and I’m sorry that our plans changed, but she needs you, man. She needs you more than I do and so does Ebony. Those girls have lived and survived something that not many could have. Have you ever in your life seen anyone as strong as them? Rose, damn. Rose is everything you need, Kell. She is your light! Don’t screw this up! I wish I was there with you to help you along the way but that wasn’t the case. I’d like to think I’m somewhere better now, but I don’t truly know that. Maybe hell was where I was meant to be. Either way, you have her. I hope you keep her and show her the man you truly are, not the one that they wanted you to be. She deserves that part of you even if you don’t agree. Now get the hell out of here and go make me proud.
Rory
Make him proud. I can’t make him proud. Look at me! I’m a complete mess.
Twenty-Two
Rose
“You’re doing really well, Rose.” I nod my head at Lacrista after our latest session. Everything hurts. My head, my heart. Some days I feel like I’m burning to death and I can’t stop it.
“I miss him,” I whisper.
“I know you do and I’m sure he misses you, too.”
“He doesn’t. He left me.”
“He’s just as messed up as you are, Rose. He needs to find himself before he can help you. And you need to let him do it.”
“I can’t do that.” I close my eyes because that voice has a hold over me. One I didn’t expect.
“It’s good to see you, Kellin,” Lacrista says, as I hold my breath. Then I feel it. His hand on my shoulder. Tears burst out of me, but I can’t move. My body is frozen in time. Everything that I’ve held in for so long comes rushing to the surface. It’s been months without him. I wanted to hate him for leaving, but I can’t because I understood it. He needed to go, and I needed to breathe, and yet with just a touch of his hand I’m lost once more. I can feel his presence as it moves around me.
“Open your eyes, Rose,” he demands. A shiver runs through me at his words, the way he talks to me. I’ve missed it all. Slowly I pry my eyes open to see him kneeling in front of me. His blue eyes almost seem brighter, the ice slowly thawing. I open my mouth, but I don’t know what to say. I’m mad, I’m angry, but more than anything, I’m happy he’s here.
“Tell him, Rose. That’s the only way to work this out. You two have to tell each other how you feel,” Lacrista adds when I don’t say anything.
“You hurt me. You left me when I needed you and you just walked away. I’m pissed, I’m hurt, but I’m also so damn happy to see you.” As more tears pour down my cheeks, Kellin nods his head, reaching up and wiping them away.
“I’m lost. I can’t focus. I drink all the time. I’ve traded one hell for another that ends up at the bottom of an empty bottle, but the past is still there. I don’t want to hurt you, baby. I don’t want to see you cry or be afraid. I hate myself for not being able to take that away from you,” he says softly, yet firmly.
I sit up a little straighter, debating touching him because I know if I do, I won’t want to stop. So I slowly reach my hand out, and when he moves to grab it, my heart melts. Then he brings my hand to his cheek just like I planned to do, and I sob.
Instead of answering him, I throw myself into his arms. His scent invades my entire being. Holding him tightly, I revel in the feel of his strong arms around me.
“You’re here.”
“I’m here,” he whispers, pressing kisses to the side of my neck. I melt into him. I’ve missed him more than I can say. Things have been hard for me. Finding my way hasn’t been easy and I’m still not sure I’m going in the right direction with all this. Kellin was a pillar of strength for me, something I clung to in the hopes of keeping my head above water. So when he left, a part of me went with him. Forgiving him is easy. It was never about forgiveness. It was about us, and I knew deep down that he needed to find himself, too. Inside this messed up hell in my mind, Kellin is my redemption. He is my second chance at life.
“Don’t you ever do that to me again!” I tell him, listening as he chuckles. He pulls back and grabs my face in his hands, kissing me so passionately that I feel like I’m floating.
“I need to ask you something and I understand if you say no,” he says softly. My heart beats erratically. If he says he’s leaving again, I don’t think I can handle it. As much as I know I needed to work through some things on my own, I needed him more.
“What?”
“I have to go back there, Rose. I…”
“Yes.”
“What?” He asks, gazing up at me.
“I’ll go with you, Kellin.” That was an easy one. A part of me feels the same way, like I need to see that it’s over and done. I need to know that piece of my life is now behind me.
“You will?” he asks, cocking his head to the side. The smile that tugs across his face is one I’ve missed for a long time. It’s pure, genuine.
“I’d go anywhere with you.”
“I agree. I think the two of you need that closure. There’s something that’s still lingering in the air and I think this might be it. I’ll gladly take you both,” Lacrista says. Kellin kisses me once more quickly, before standing and turning to face her.
“I don’t know what to say to you. I’m far from being okay and I know she is too. For her, I think it’s great that she has you but for me, I don’t think it helps.” Lacrista nods her head as I shove out of my seat and wrap my arms around his waist. He throws an arm over my shoulder and pulls me into his side.
“We all deal with things in our own ways, Kellin. You’re no different. I’m always here for both of you but I understand your need to do this alone. The only thing that I ask of you is this. If you feel like you are going too far into the dark, ask for help. Don’t let yourself get so far gone that she loses you again.”
I swallow hard because I know how easy it is to slip back into the darkness. I’ve done it a few times over the last few months and I hated every second of it.
“I can do that.” Lacrista nods her head before grabbing her bag and heading for the door.
Kellin watches her for a long second and when the door closes behind her, he turns to me quickly. In seconds he has me lifted in the air, my legs wrapping around his waist. His lips crash into mine, a heated kiss that sears my whole body. I whimper into his mouth as he walks toward the bedroom. He breaks our kiss long enough to drop me onto the bed and growl.
“Dresses, Rose. You started wearing dresses,” he groans as he pulls his clothes off quickly. That’s when I see them. The fresh cuts on his skin next to the old scars. My chest aches as I sit up and scoot to the edge of the bed. Lifting my hand, I let my fingers trail over the dried scabs.
“I’ve been trying,”
he whispers as I keep my fingers moving.
“You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here, Kellin.” When I look up, he nods his head and I can feel the shift in the air. We’re going to be okay. Both of us are going to be okay. Kellin climbs on the bed, pushing me back as he goes. Lifting my dress, he groans as he runs his hand up my thigh. My body heats, just like it always does for him. His touch is softer than it used to be. He’s slower, more patient but I miss that devil in him. I want him to be able to unleash when we’re like this. Not to the darkness but to the man that he is when he comes undone.
“Don’t hold back, Kellin.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he says softly, pressing his lips to my cheek before pulling my panties off and tossing them to the side. He grabs my hands and pulls me up, shedding the dress in seconds. When I’m naked sitting in front of him, his blue eyes dance over my flesh. Bumps form and he hasn’t even touched me. I get a grin, one that I’ve never gotten before, and it makes my heart leap in my chest.
“You won’t hurt me.” Kellin shakes his head and starts to move when I grab his hand. “Kellin, look at me.” His gaze comes up to meet mine.
“I can’t, Rose.”
“You can. When it’s just us, like this. You can let go, Kellin. This is who we are, what we do. Don’t hold back on me.” I’m nearly begging him, but I love every ounce of darkness he gives me when we’re like this. It has nothing to do with faith or what we do or don’t believe and everything to do with the two of us. In the dark, we have each other. In the dark, we don’t have to be someone else. I see the glint in his eyes before he shoves me back on the bed, grabbing my leg and hitching it over his thigh. Before I have the chance to say anything or react, he thrusts into me.
“Kellin!” His name is a song on my lips that I want to sing forever. My nails dig into his back as I pull him closer. His lips are on mine silencing the moans and the pleas. My body does my begging. Begging for more. Begging for him to never leave. Begging for him to keep me forever.
Each roll of his hips feels like perfection. I pull him against me, wanting to keep him there forever and I don’t care what I have to do to achieve my goal. I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him in deeper.
And just like that, I feel content. I feel like I’m home.
Twenty-Three
Kellin
The car comes to a stop right at the broken gate to Les Fleurs du Mal. The name that once hung so proudly now dangles by a thread. I climb out as Rose gets out of the other side, Lacrista waiting in the driver’s seat. Taking a deep breath, I walk around to the front of the car where Rose meets me. We both stare at the sign before she holds her hand out to me. I reach for it, grabbing it in mine as we begin to walk down the long driveway. You can feel the evil. I can feel the ashes on the tip of my tongue. I can feel him, the Devil. I crack my head from side to side trying to rid the unease. Rose notices and grips my hand tighter.
“You feel it too, don’t you?” I ask her. I don’t need to look at her to know she’s nodding her head. It’s there. He’s here. The farther we walk, the more I can feel it. Heat begins to coil inside of me, my body becoming rigid with tension.
“We don’t have to go farther,” she whispers.
“I have to.” With that, she pulls my hand a little harder. We keep walking until the buildings come into view, or what’s left of them anyway. A majority of the building is in ruins, tarnished… Ash.
“I never thought I’d see it like this,” I say as I take it all in. We walk closer and I lead Rose into a part of the building that’s still standing. It’s eerie, a little tense. After being gone for so long I can feel the evil as it lurks around this place. No one will ever be able to build here without the devil interfering with their lives. This place is Satan’s palace now. It’s a place where he thrives and reigns.
“I hated this place when I was first brought here,” Rose whispers softly.
“What do you mean when you were first brought here. Didn’t you always hate it?”
“You were here, Kellin. In spite of everything else, you were here.” I squeeze her hand tighter as we climb over debris and rubble. Each step I take is another step into my life that I’ve been fighting to get away from. We walk toward the center where the temple used to be. Nothing remains untouched by the fire, the explosions. I clear my throat when it feels clogged as Rose releases my hand. She moves over the rubble and stops right where the concrete altar still stands. She runs her fingers through the ash clinging to the surface. I stay standing back just watching her, taking her in as tears cascade down her cheeks. I can see it all so vividly. The way she looked at me when she was tied to that altar. I can see my mother, smell the scent of blood, lust, and death lingering in the air that day. My father. His face.
“The first time I sat at that altar I was three. It’s my earliest memory. I was offered up to Satan as one of his followers, a believer before I even knew what that word meant. I remember when it was all over, my mother picked me up and passed me around like I was a fucking toy. A piece of flesh that others could…” I can’t finish that sentence. Once I say it out loud there is no taking it back. Rose moves quickly, rushing toward me and throwing her arms around my waist. Her face nuzzles into my shirt as she repeats the words “I’m sorry”.
“It didn’t happen when I was older. I never saw it happen again in this coven and it made me wonder why it was only me. No one ever spoke about it after that day. I never looked at my father as a child molester. The elders either, it was normal to me. How could I have been so stupid?” Anger seeps into my pores when I realize that’s just what they want. What he wants. Satan is at play in this place and he wants me to remember, he wants me to lose myself, but I’ve come too far to let him take that from me.
“You can’t win! I won’t fucking let you win any longer!” I roar. Rose steps back and smiles up at me. I grab her face in my hands and kiss her hard. Harder than I ever have before. I need her to know that this is it. I don’t want this life anymore, I want her. I need her.
“You can’t win!” she screams out when I pull back and smile back at her. We both scream it together before walking around a little more. The one place that was left untouched by the fire but not untouched by the local police was the outdoor temple. Everything is still there even though most of it has been disassembled by the police. Police tape lines the area to try and keep people out but I lift it and usher Rose under. We step into the middle of the temple and my stomach cramps.
“Do you think we will ever truly be over this?” she asks and my chest clenches.
“I honestly don’t know. I’ve tried to forget, block it out, drink them away, but the memories are always there. I don’t know that those will ever go away, Rose.”
“I didn’t ask you that. I know the memories will always be there, but will they always have a hold on us? I’d like to think I’ve come a long way but being here brings it all back and I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing. We have to learn to live with them, right?” When she looks up at me with those gorgeous eyes, my heart melts. This girl has been the light that I needed whether I wanted to see it or not. I’ve always known that she was something special and that she would change my life somehow. I just didn’t realize it would be like this.
“No. They won’t keep a hold over us, Rose. We can do this.” Her eyes light up at the word we. She smiles and leans into me as I hold her tighter.
“Let’s get out of here,” she says softly.
Grabbing her hand, I lead her back out of the tree line and toward the driveway. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting coming in here. I wasn’t sure how I would feel but as we walk back down the way we came, I feel lighter. I feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A part of me will always be lost to this place, this darkness. It’s a part that I will never get back and I have to learn to accept that fact as hard as it is. My past isn’t one that everyone could live through, but I did and that in itself should prove just how much strength I truly hav
e.
“Do you regret coming back?” she asks as we head back toward the car.
“No. I feel lighter. Like the burden of this place is off of me now.” And it’s true. In my mind, I’ve said my piece. In my heart, I know Rose is what I want, and she doesn’t deserve this. Somewhere deep down in my soul, I knew I didn’t fully believe in all of this; it was just too hard to admit. When you grow up the way I did, you don’t know any better, and even if you might have an inkling that all is not as it seems, it’s easier and safer to stay quiet. Now I do. Climbing into the back of the car, I pull Rose into my side. Lacrista doesn’t say a word as she turns around and drives away from it all.
From a past that nearly broke me.
From a past that was all I knew.
Now, I’m moving on. With Rose. With the light that I dragged into the dark. With a life that I never thought I would want but always yearned for. Maybe all I needed was someone to love me. Love all of my broken and dark pieces. And as the thought hits me, I pull her even closer and lean down whispering the words that I’ve been too much of a coward to say. Words that hold more meaning than I ever knew they would.
“I love you, Rose.”
Epilogue
Rose
Everything is perfect. All of it. Today is Kellin’s twenty-ninth birthday. It’s hard to believe he lived in that life for so long. He’s come a long way since then. He’s happy, he smiles.
“I’m so glad that you came,” I say as I hug Ebony. Things have been rocky between her and Kellin. He turned over half of what he inherited from his father to her to take care of his brother. They have talked a little over the phone but once she had the baby, she felt lost. She moved back here so that she would at least have some sort of help. And that help comes in the form of me. I’ve taken to Ebony more than I thought I would. We suffered a lot of the same fates in that hell we lived in, and I think that brought us closer together.
