by H Hunting
We walk down to street level together, and Kodiak makes a scene as he kisses me goodbye for far longer than is reasonable or appropriate. Afterward, I stand on the sidewalk, watching his cab disappear into morning traffic and feel the string that connects us pulling tighter the farther away he goes. It’s something I’ll have to get used to.
I manage to keep it together at work, but the moment I walk into the empty condo at the end of the day, I break down in tears. After stewing all day, I’m scared he might be right, and if he gets picked up by a West Coast team, we’re not going to be able to handle the distance.
I’m home for all of two minutes when there’s a knock on my door. The elderly woman down the hall sometimes has trouble with her key, so I wipe the tears away and try to get myself together enough to help her out.
Except when I open the door, it’s not my neighbor.
“Surprise!” My mom does jazz hands and nearly hits Lacey in the face. She ducks out of the way and elbows Lovey in the boob. Behind them are River and Josiah, who, unlike the twins, are standing a safe distance from my mom.
There’s a round of cringing and sorry before they all turn back to me.
“What are you guys doing here?”
“As if we were going to leave you here alone this weekend,” my mom says.
And of course I burst into tears, because that’s the kind of day it’s been. I can’t even speak I’m so choked up. They shuffle inside the condo and fold me into a group hug.
“We got you, Lavender.” My mom squeezes me tightly. “No matter what, you’re not going through this alone.”
Present day
MY DAD PICKS me up from the airport. He surprises me by pulling me into a hug. And not a back-slap man hug—a full-on, rib-crushing hug.
“Is everything okay? Where’s Mom?”
He releases me and smiles wryly. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Your mom had to take Dakota to his track meet, and Aspen is at robotics, designing some kind of fighting robot, but they should all be home by the time we get there.” He gives my shoulder a squeeze. “It’s good to have you home, son.”
I nod and blow out a breath. “I’m ambivalent about being home, if I’m going to be a 100 percent honest.”
He laughs. “I know, but your mom misses you, and so do your brother and sister. So feign enthusiasm when you see them.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll drop the morose BS by the time we get home.”
We head for the exit. “Things okay with Lavender?”
“Uh, yeah. Mostly.” I rub the back of my neck. It took all of my resolve not to hook into the plane Wi-Fi on the two-hour flight and try to negotiate some sort of new deal with her. Logical? Nope. Desperate? Definitely.
“Mostly?”
“She overheard the conversation we had the other night.”
“Ah. So she’s aware Vancouver is looking at you?” my dad asks.
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry I can’t make this easier on you, son.”
“I’m sorry I lost my cool.”
He puts an arm around my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “If anyone should be apologizing, Kody, it’s me. Sometimes I forget you and your mom are so much alike in the way you process things. But at the same time, you’re also a lot like me, just a whole shitload smarter.”
“I do a lot of stupid stuff for someone who’s supposedly so smart.”
“You’re twenty-two. You’re supposed to make mistakes. It’s how we learn from them. But I’m still sorry I can’t make this easier on you.”
“I’d feel a lot less conflicted if I weren’t looking at being so far away.” I rub at the webbing between my middle and ring finger on my left hand, where the infinity symbol is tattooed. In hindsight, it’s not a great spot for a tattoo, but I was also not in a great frame of mind when I got it.
“Because you don’t want to be away from Lavender?” His voice is laced with concern.
He unlocks the back of his SUV, and I toss my bag in.
“She kinda gave me an ultimatum.” I round the passenger side and slide into the seat.
His brow furrows. “What kind of ultimatum?”
“She basically threatened to break up with me if I don’t sign with a team while I’m here.”
My dad’s focus shifts to my bouncing legs before he meets my gaze, nodding slowly. “She’s not a meek little girl anymore, is she?”
“She was never meek. She just went through more than most kids and experiences the world with overwhelming clarity. We didn’t know how to deal with it then, but we do now.”
“And apparently she knows how to deal with you.” He shifts the SUV into gear and pulls out of the parking spot.
I have to look away, because a million really inappropriate images pop into my head—like how things went down last night and the fact that I’m missing a strip of hair on both forearms thanks to the duct tape. I clear my throat.
“Apparently.” I’m still about two octaves higher than usual, and my face feels hot.
My dad laughs. “Oh, son, you are in trouble, aren’t you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He smirks and reaches over to ruffle my hair. “Just make sure you’re being safe.”
“Jesus, Dad. We’re being safe. Mom says the same freaking thing every time I talk to her.”
“All it takes is one time without protection.”
“Yeah, well, you would know, wouldn’t you?” I point to myself.
I’m the product of an unplanned pregnancy. My parents had what they refer to as a “whirlwind romance” one summer in Alaska. Basically that means they had an extended hookup. My dad had to leave because of a family emergency, and they lost contact, but managed to find their way back to each other. By that time, I’d already been born.
“And I don’t regret it for a second, because if it wasn’t for you, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t have your mother in my life. But we were both older, and not just starting our lives. You and Lavender are young and finding your way, so don’t go complicating it with unplanned pregnancies.”
“Okay, can we change the subject, please? Because talking about how my existence came to be is really damn awkward.”
“It’s only awkward if you make it awkward, son.”
“No, it’s awkward because you’re talking about my mom in ways I’m not interested in thinking about.”
“Noted. How are you feeling about tomorrow?”
“Anxious. Excited. Terrified that I’ll have to sign with Vancouver and be halfway across the country while Lavender is back here. Just thinking about it makes my brain feel like it’s frying itself.”
He’s quiet for a minute before he finally says, “It isn’t easy, is it? Being able to see all the sides at the same time?”
“It’s maddening. Paralyzing. I run through every possible future path, and I can see exactly what could happen if I make the wrong choice. The only time I can shut everything else off and just exist is when I’m on the ice or with Lavender. I don’t want to have to give up one so I can have the other, but she’s not giving me an option. I feel like I’m going to lose her either way.” I rub my chest, trying to ease the ache.
“I know your tendency is to go to the worst-possible scenario, but let’s wait and see what happens tomorrow. Just because Vancouver has designs on you doesn’t mean there won’t be other options.”
I nod, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.
The house is a flurry of activity as soon as I walk in the door, with Aspen wanting to show me the robot she’s been designing and Dakota showing me all the ribbons he won at the track meet. I’m a full hybrid of my parents, both physically and mentally. But my sister is 100 percent a miniature version of our mom, and Dakota is my dad. They’re both a lot younger than me, Aspen a freshman in high school and Dakota in seventh grade.
Aspen is having a sleepover, so when her friend arrives, they rush up to her room, giggling and whispering. Dakota decides he needs to take his secon
d shower of the day since he smells like four-day-old socks. My dad has to run out for a business meeting, but promises he’ll only be a couple of hours.
Once it’s just me and my mom, she goes into feed-the-growing-boy mode. I don’t mind the doting. She and I have always been tight—having the same kind of brain and the same worries can do that.
She leans on the counter across from me. “How are you doing?”
I shrug. “I should be excited, but mostly I’m scared.” I fill her in on Lavender’s ultimatum. Threat. Whatever it is.
My mom covers my hand with her much smaller one and squeezes. “She’s a smart girl.”
I nod. “I know she’s right, but I don’t want her to be.”
She props her chin on her clasped hands. “Life is not a series of all-or-nothing decisions, Kody. If the roads we travel were all straight with no bumps or twists and turns along the way, we wouldn’t appreciate the ups between the downs and the easy-to-navigate stretches.”
“What if I’m only allowed to have hockey or Lavender, not both?”
“Why would you think that?”
“I tried so hard not to love her.” I look down at the counter. “It’s like she engraved herself on my heart when we were kids. I couldn’t not love her. So I tried everything I could to make her hate me. I said and did such horrible, hurtful things.”
“Has she forgiven you for that?”
“Yeah.”
“But you haven’t forgiven yourself?”
I shrug.
My mom pats my cheek and forces me to look at her. “You’re a good person, with a good heart, and you love intensely. Sometimes that level of love can be confusing and frightening, and we fight against it as a result. But Lavender sees you, just like you see her. She’s already granted you grace. It’s your turn to do the same.”
THE WEEKEND IS pretty damn stressful, but at least I’m not in it alone, since Maverick is in the same position. Interestingly enough, the fact that I’m now living with his sister hasn’t affected our friendship. Obviously there is absolutely no locker-room-style talk, but I was never really one to do that anyway, and neither is he.
By the end of the weekend, I’ve done what I said I would and signed with a team.
My dad is all smiles, and if rainbows could shoot out of his ass, they would.
“We’ll be in touch soon with all the details for training camp, and we’ll set up a time for you to come out and see the facilities in the next month,” the general manager tells me. “You’re going to be a great addition to the team.”
I shake his hand and mumble a bunch of nervous nonsense about how I’m looking forward to being part of the team and can’t wait for training camp, but what I’m mostly thinking is that at least Lavender won’t have to make good on her threat to break up with me.
Present day
ME AND MY mom are always up at the crack of dawn, no matter what time we go to bed, so on Sunday morning, we leave everyone else to sleep in, and I take her to the theater so she can see where I work and what I’m involved in. We grab coffees and pastries on the way. I point out all the places Kodiak and I like to go, and where some of the other interns live.
My mom makes a face. “Kinda reminds me of the apartment I lived in before your dad convinced me to move into his place.”
“I thought you lived in Gigi’s pool house.”
“For a while, so I could save up enough money to get my own place, but you know Gigi. She’s well-meaning but has zero concept of personal space and does not know how to knock.”
I can only imagine what that would be like. Gigi is inappropriate at the best of times, and when she gets together with Grandma Daisy, they’re a total train wreck. “Thank you for trying your best not to mortify me on a regular basis.”
“I save it all for Maverick, since he deserves it.”
“Where do you think he’ll be next year?” I’ve been so focused on what’s going on with me and Kodiak that I’ve totally spaced on the fact that my brother is in the same position.
“Hard to say. Your dad seems to think there’s a chance he’ll end up in Nashville, but you never really know. And Mav is all about going with the flow, so he’ll be fine with whatever team wants him. Honestly, my biggest concern for your brother is the decadent lifestyle.”
“You’re worried the fame is going to go to his head?” I ask.
“He just . . . likes to have a little too much fun, and he doesn’t take things as seriously as he should.”
He buckled down after my dad called him out on all the partying and his poor grades in the first semester and managed to graduate with honors. “He was better second semester, though. Maybe he’ll do some growing up once he’s playing professionally.”
“We can hope.”
Rehearsal isn’t scheduled until later in the day, so the theater is quiet and basically empty when we arrive. I take her behind the stage to the back rooms where I work and show her some of the costumes I’ve completed since I started, as well as the one I’ve been working on for the past few days. I’m in the middle of explaining how fabric colors and textures work together with the set to make the actors really pop on the stage when she pulls me into a tight hug.
“Mom?”
“I’m so proud of you.” When she releases me, she dabs at her eyes. “You’ve come so far from that shy girl who didn’t speak above a whisper.”
“I had a lot of therapy and support and you, so that definitely helped.”
“I know we were super overprotective, and having three brothers did not make it easy, but you’ve always been your own person, and I’m so happy to see you shine the way I always knew you were meant to.”
I wave my hand in front of my face. “Stop with the mushy stuff! If I start crying, it’s your fault.”
Priscilla pops her head in the room. “I thought I heard voices in here! Lavender, I didn’t expect to see you today. But your timing couldn’t be more perfect. I have something I wanted to discuss with you. Oh! Hello.” Her gaze flits between me and my mom.
“Hi, I’m Violet. Lavender’s mother.” She holds out her hand.
“Oh, I can most definitely see that.” She smiles warmly and shakes my mom’s hand. “You must be incredibly proud of Lavender. I have to say, she is hands down the best intern we’ve ever had, which is what I wanted to talk to you about, although it can wait until tomorrow, if you prefer.” She looks from me to my mom.
“Now is fine with me.” I’m flustered by the praise.
Her smile widens. “The production team has been talking about how wonderful you’ve been, and we’d like you to stay on with us.”
“Stay on with you?” I feel like an idiot for echoing her, but I’ve only been here a few weeks. I had to have misheard that. “As in, you want to keep me on as an intern after July?”
“Not as an intern, but as a member of our company. You have an incredible skill set, Lavender. I know you’ve been studying in Chicago, but there are amazing programs here in New York you could transfer to, and many accept part-time students. That way you’d be able to continue your education while working with us.”
“Oh. Wow. That’s . . . very humbling.” That I manage to get any words out at all is amazing, considering my level of shock is pretty damn high.
“You’re a rare talent,” Priscilla continues. “I would love to help you foster that. Of course, I understand that it’s something you’ll need to think about. I wanted to give you time to consider it.”
“It sounds like a wonderful opportunity.” My mom threads her arm through mine and gives it a squeeze. “And it sounds like Lavender has some pretty big decisions to make for the fall.”
I’m not sure if she actually thinks it’s a wonderful opportunity or not, but I appreciate her speaking, because I don’t think I can right now.
“She certainly does, and of course there’s no rush. I just wanted to put it on the table. Regardless of your decision, Lavender, there will always be a place here for you.”
<
br /> My mom waits until we’re outside the theater before she grabs my arm and turns me so we’re facing each other. “Gut reaction, no thinking—do you want to stay in New York?”
“Yes, but—”
She raises a finger. “Hold the but. What makes you want to stay in New York?”
“I love what I’m doing, I love this theater, everyone has embraced me, and I’ve found my people. I’m not weird or different. It’s okay that I’m quiet sometimes. People like my ideas, and we spark as a team. And surprisingly enough, I like the city. But the subway sucks.” I prefer walking over using public transit.
My mom wrinkles her nose. “Exhaust and urine are not a winning combination of odors.”
“So true. Besides that, I’ve made friends who aren’t my relatives, I feel like I’ve gained some real independence, and I’ve found something I’m really good at. Robbie has botany, River is great at school and football and being angry at life, and Maverick is great at hockey and one-month relationships.”
“Is that actually a thing for Maverick? You know what? Don’t bother answering that. It’s irrelevant to this discussion, and we can come back to it later. Or maybe never. Now, tell me the but side to this.” The right side of her mouth quirks up at the way she stresses the word but.
“Stop being such a twelve-year-old boy.”
She taps her temple. “My maturity level is at least fifteen. What’s holding you back?”
“It’s far from home and my family and friends.”
“We’re a plane ride away, and I love shopping, so I’ll come visit all the time and bring the people you love and miss with me.”
“Kodiak will have training camp in August, so I’ll be out here on my own.”
“But you’ve made friends, and he was always going somewhere, honey. So the way I see it, you have two options. You come back to Chicago and finish school there, or you stay here and take this amazing opportunity to do something you truly, wholly love.”
“What do you think Dad will say?”
“He’ll say the real estate is a good investment once I calm him down. Don’t worry about your dad, Lavender. He wants you to be happy, and he realizes that in order for that to happen, we can’t helicopter-parent you or smother you. You came here for a reason. It looks to me like the universe is giving you something else to stay for.”
