I wish I could drown my days in alcohol or weed. But obviously, one of the things I want to drown my sorrows about the most is preventing me from that. A baby. Mostly I’ve been sleeping. My brain has taken all thoughts about my father, the baby, Clint … and put them in a sealed-off box way in the back. I just can’t think about it. If it hits me all at once, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying.
Slowly, I get up, pulling on whatever sweatshirt is closest and shuffling out to the living room.
Minka and Chloe sit huddled together at the breakfast bar on the kitchen counter and both guiltily stop talking when I walk in.
“Traitor,” I grumble at Chloe.
She sighs and shrugs, her violet eyes apologizing so profusely that I almost let her off the hook. “I had to. You wouldn’t move from the bed.”
I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t know what to do with me either.
“So are we going?”
The ride there is deadly quiet with the three of us squished into the dirty back seat. I just lean my head against the glass, trying to wipe my brain of any thought.
Minka comes in to the exam room with me once we’re at the doctor. Says I won’t be absorbing all the information, so she needs to take notes.
She’s right. I only hear snippets of the conversation. Words like “folic acid” and “abortion” are brought up. The doctor goes into the gestational cycle and takes what seems like gallons of blood from me though I barely even feel the needle prick. Minka’s face is pinched and concerned the entire appointment. I almost cry when the doctor takes a look between my legs, the cold speculum invading my vagina. As deranged as it is, the last thing to be inside of there was Clint, and I clench back tears at the memories. The whole thing is just awful.
Afterward, I’m rewarded for my cooperation with a vanilla milkshake from Shake Shack. Which I only take under duress. Who am I kidding? I scowl and ask for a second one.
When we get back to the apartment, I plan to go straight back to bed. But Minka’s glare and her wiry body blocking my path tell me I have other plans, so I join her and Chloe on the couch.
Chloe goes first, her sweet disposition designed to put me in an easier mood. I can tell they’ve talked about how to tackle this. How to tackle me. “Kels, we are so worried about you. We just want to help. What is going on?”
I smile, but it feels sour on my lips. “I’m pregnant if you didn’t notice.”
“That’s not why you left Grover,” Minka cuts in, throwing all the nice bullshit out the window.
I stare at my hands, silently begging for them to drop this. I wish the floor would open up and swallow me.
Chloe touches my fingers with her own. “We’re your best friends. Whatever, or whoever, is causing you pain, we will crush it. Together.”
My kind, innocent best friend’s statement of violence is what finally breaks me.
I choke on a sob before telling them the entire sordid tale. Minka and Chloe’s faces go from sympathetic to horrified to pure rage as I describe everything from the way my mother dropped the biological dad-bomb on me to finding Clint and Jackson conspiring.
They sit in stunned silence as I finish, sucking in a shaky breath.
“Fucking, bitch,” Minka grumbles, and I know she means Madeline.
“I can’t believe Jackson never told you. That he could … keep this such a secret. I can’t believe I never noticed …” Chloe is shaking her head back and forth, trying to make sense of it all.
“Do you really think Clint meant to hurt you?” Minka’s expression is too hard to read, but I know she’s psycho-analyzing me as she loves to do. She wants me to come to a conclusion without her dictating the facts to me.
And I have thought about it. I never heard his side of the story. I ran too quickly to consider that. But no matter what his explanation is, he hurt me.
“You should have heard them in there. Having a conversation that was so personal, so about me. It was like I was being staked through the heart.”
Chloe nods in my direction. “I know. But maybe Clint went there to try and get Jackson to fess up. Maybe he was only trying to protect you.”
“You didn’t see him after you left, Kels. He was a wreck. Like the universe had just taken away his will to live. He couldn’t even pack up his stuff because it smelled like you. I swear I had to send him away with tears in his eyes while I did it.”
The haunted expression on Minka’s face relays just how horrible it must have been to see Clint over those few weeks.
“Even now, Owen says he won’t pick up the phone. And when he does it sounds like he’s withdrawn into himself. He kind of sounds how you look.” Minka raises one eyebrow in that smarts way of hers.
“I don’t … I don’t know what to think.”
Chloe winces before speaking. “Can we change gears? What are you going to do about the baby?”
We all grow silent while a few fat tears escape from my ducts.
“I don’t know about that either. Guys, I am not ready for this. I can barely take care of myself, even when I’m fully functional and happy. A baby? I wouldn’t know the first thing about raising a kid. Look who my fucking parents are. My mother is about as warm and nurturing as an electric chair.”
Minka contemplates, biting at her lips. But Chloe is the one who immediately speaks.
“I don’t know anyone in this world who would be a better mom. You are fiercely loyal. Remember when you almost dragged Allison through the hall when Minka went through that whole thing sophomore year? You think on your feet, which is the best parenting skill I can imagine. You are constantly adapting and changing. Kids are like one big roller coaster, I can’t think of anyone who would handle that better. You give your whole heart, every time. You know how to soothe hurt, have fun, and you’re the best game maker-upper ever. So yeah, I think you will be an awesome mom. And who is ready for anything in life anyway? If we were never ready for anything, nothing would ever happen.”
Leave it to the fairy godmother of the group to make me all teary-eyed and sappy with her magical, fairy dust speech.
Minka chimes in, “She’s right. You will be an amazing mom. That baby is the luckiest little sucker ever. Plus … he or she will have some kick-ass aunts.”
I finally smile a true, genuine smile. I feel better than I have in days.
“You are the best friends any girl could have, you know that?”
They smile and Minka clucks her tongue. “Yeah, we know, we’re awesome.”
“Okay, Minks. Time to fill me on every drug, food. and beverage I can’t have for the next nine months.”
25
Clint
I fucking hate planes.
Hate everything about them. The heights, the germs, the claustrophobia.
I’m a big guy. Smaller than I used to be, but still just larger than your average person in both height and bone structure. Stuffing me in a circular metal tube for five hours is akin to death for me. Not to mention we’re thirty-nine thousand feet off the surface of the earth and I’m stuck next to this jack hole who’s been wiping his runny nose on his sleeve for four hours.
But all of that is barely a blip on my radar today. All I can think about is seeing Kelsey in a few short hours. Just being in her presence, hearing her voice, and smelling her scent. God, I’ve missed her.
My mind is on one track, powering through baggage claim and out onto the sidewalk at JFK. There are people everywhere. It’s like New York is covered in honey and humans flock like bees to claim it. I could never live like this, but for Kelsey, I’ll endure anything.
I wring my hands and jiggle my foot the entire way to the apartment. Miles ensured me that he and Chloe will be out all day and that Kelsey will be where she’s been the entire three weeks: in bed.
The busy city streets whiz by. People dressed in suits and ties, the occasional actress slash model in six-inch stilettos, and even a guy dressed as Mickey Mouse. This place is always moving, like it has a pulse and heartbeat
of its own. I hate it. I want to rescue Kelsey like she’s my flag to capture and smuggle her out of here. Get us either back to suburbia, or the country. Wide-open spaces are where we belong. I want it so bad I can taste it.
My whole body is a bundle of nerves, exactly how I feel for the first pitch of every game. Will it land in my glove? Will I get hit today? Will we succeed?
Kelsey is for sure going to be pissed off. She’s probably going to rip my head off. But I guess what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. That’s what they say, right? Unless she actually does kill me.
Miles gave me the door code, so I buzz myself in and head for the stairs. He’s a millionaire who’s on his way to the majors and he can’t afford an apartment building with elevators? Rich kids.
As I’m about to knock, knowing Kelsey is right on the other side of this door, my stomach seizes up. My fists clench at my side and I have to take measured breaths until the anxiety passes. It’s a heavy thing when the girl you love is about to rake you over the coals.
And then I knock, wrapping my fist loudly against the door. I hear quiet shuffling from within, which isn’t what I expect. The Kelsey I know would be shouting, asking who it was, before she even neared the peephole. Two shadows appear at the bottom of the door, and I know she’s staring at me from behind the wood. She makes no noise though.
I wait a couple of seconds, see if she’ll magically open the door without resistance. No luck.
“Kelsey, I know you’re there. Please, let me in, Roo. I want to explain. I want to …”
“Go away.” Her voice is raspier than usual, that sassy, sexy tone it usually carries is no longer there. I can tell just by her voice that she hasn’t been sleeping or eating.
“Please, Roo. Please. You know Miles will just let me in when he gets home anyway.”
She’s silent, and then I hear the metal click of latches and locks being undone.
“That asshole called you, didn’t he?” She shakes her head as she opens the door.
I don’t even recognize the tiny woman in front of me. She looks frail and exhausted. Kelsey is all fire and boldness, she sets any room she walks into ablaze. And now it’s as if someone snuffed out her flame, doused her in that white fire extinguisher liquid and left her to crumple.
She’s wrapped in a baggy sweater and even baggier sweatpants. All of that beautiful red hair looks greasy and flat, the wildness has been obliterated. I want to take her in my arms and shake her, stoke the fire back to life. Because despite her messy state, she still looks hauntingly beautiful.
This woman in front of me just looks defeated as she huffs onto the couch, wincing as she throws her body down. Never would my Kelsey have opened the door as quickly as she did. The fact that it didn’t even take me hours of pleading has me suspicious.
I move around the chairs in the bright, sunny yellow living room. “Roo, I … I’ve thought about what I would say to you if you agreed to talk to me for the last month now. Except now that you’re in front of me, I can’t … I don’t know.”
I wipe a hand over my face and try to collect my scrambled thoughts. Kelsey is looking anywhere but at me, currently picking at her cuticles.
“I’m so goddamn sorry. I never, ever meant to hurt you like that. I was trying to protect you from something that I should have held your hand through. I should have walked with you through it, together, instead of trying to slay the dragon alone. It wasn’t fair to you. But running wasn’t fair to me. I love you, Kelsey. So fucking much. You have to know that.”
She lifts her head slowly. Those brilliant, warm, whiskey-colored eyes are rimmed by dark circles and hold pools of tears. She looks like a shell of her former self.
“You lied to me. The one thing you said you wouldn’t do. You went behind my back, spoke about me without having permission.” Her voice is rough and jagged, cracking on each syllable.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, baby. But my only instinct ever is to go to bat for you. To defend you and protect you. I didn’t know for sure that Jackson was your dad, it was only a hunch. A hunch I wanted to explore myself before bringing you in on something that might hurt you. So, excuse me if my judgment was a little off, but I did this for you. I would walk through fire for you. Throw my hand on a blade. All of those things in that goddamn Bruno Mars song you used to love, yeah I would do them all.” I’m practically shouting at her, but I can’t seem to cool down.
“Well, you’re not going to want to stick around for much longer …” Kelsey grumbles and I can barely make out what she said. But I hear enough.
“That’s what you think of me? You think just because we’re fighting and you’re angry that I’ll give up? Walk out? You must not know me at all—”
“I’m pregnant, Clint.”
It’s like all the sound that has been filtering up from the street goes dead silent. My body flushes hot and cold as nausea, fear, hope, glee, and every other emotion in the book slams my central nervous system at once. My head feels suddenly too heavy to hold up, and I have to drop onto the couch with my forehead buried in my hands. All of our other problems go out the window. They aren’t even a tick off on the scale of issues anymore.
“How …” I don’t even really say this to her, it’s just a thought that flits into my brain that I must verbalize.
“Really, Clint? You need a lesson on the birds and the bees? We didn’t use a condom a couple of times, I’m not on the pill because of the horrible side effects on the female body. I mean, I knew you were a virgin but come on …” Her voice is a harsh crack of the whip, slicing my heart even further in two. She’s taken my base level insecurity and used it to protect herself.
When I look up, she’s scowling. I still can’t process it. My mouth feels dry as the Sahara as I try to talk to her. “When did you find out?”
“Last week.”
“Jesus.” I exhale, knowing now why she’s in this state. “Are you … do you want to … will you keep it?”
I hold my breath. I don’t know what I want her to say. Obviously, we aren’t ready for this. I don’t even know where we stand as a couple, not to mention I’m currently an unemployed ex-athlete living on his parent’s couch. But on the other hand, I want this baby more than anything. This little possibility, a glimmer of unadulterated peace and happiness. Perfection. I know in my bones already that I’ll fight her if she says she doesn’t want it.
“I’m keeping the baby.” Kelsey is all matter-of-fact about this. I see through it though. It’s a coping mechanism. If she doesn’t say too much, she can’t get emotional.
“Thank God.” I smile, exhaling the breath now burning inside of my lungs.
“I said I’m keeping it. I don’t expect anything from you.”
Anger hits me like a line drive to the face. “That’s my child too, Kelsey. Don’t you dare think I’m going to leave or be some deadbeat dad. You can’t keep me away.”
I know I must be close to tears because I can hear the break in my voice, can feel the lump threatening to close up my throat. So I play the only card I can. “Would you really do the same thing to our child that your mother did to you? Keep our child from his or her father?”
Kelsey inhales sharply before standing, walking across the room, and promptly slapping me in the face with all the force she can muster.
“You fucking asshole!” she spits.
My cheek stings like only a slap from the woman you love can make it. But at least she’s gotten a bit of that fire back.
Jumping to my feet, I wrap my arms around her now that she’s close. She slaps at me, growing more hysterical by the second. I just grip her in my hold like a vice, waiting until she calms down. Eventually, she tires out, slumping against my chest while I run my hands up and down her back.
“I’m never going to leave you. And I will try never to hurt you again. Wherever you run, I will come after you. And not in a creepy way, but because I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment you walked into my life and sent my world up i
n fiery red flames. So I’m going to keep fighting for us. Even when you’re scared, or you feel like quitting. I’m always going to be here. You’re stuck with me, Roo, so get used to it.”
I feel her exhale against my chest. “Why won’t you just leave me alone?”
“I told you, I love you. When you love someone, you never give up on them.”
Her muffled cries soak the front of my shirt, breaking my heart and sewing it back together at the same time. She’s allowed me to hold her and pick her back up, and that’s all I can focus on right now.
“I’m sorry I gave up on you. On us.” Her tears come harder now, her breaths coming in warm hiccups against my abs. She’s going to wear herself down and that’s just not what’s best for her right now.
Scooping her up, I can tell she’s lost weight that she can’t afford to as I carry her toward what I assume is the spare bedroom. I lay us both down and circle my limbs around her.
“Sleep,” I instruct her before planting a kiss on the crown of those scarlet locks.
26
Kelsey
Long fingers grasp my hand, warmly covering my skin and stroking against my palm. I wiggle mine back, slowly mapping the pores covering Clint’s extremities.
I’m not sure what hour it is, it must be morning, but it’s still dark. The hustle and bustle outside has quieted to one of ambulance sirens and the occasional weekday employees drunk and stumbling home from a very extended happy hour.
He’s the last person I expected to see when I went to answer the booming knock on Chloe’s front door. I’d actually been rendered speechless at first. And then pissed as hell because I am definitely going to have to give Miles a face full of knuckles. I can’t believe both he and Chloe spilled to everyone. The only person who hasn’t been here yet is Owen, and I am guessing Golden Boy isn’t far away. He can’t resist thrusting himself upon this situation.
Over the Fence Box Set Page 57
