by Kit Harlow
I grimaced. “I know and it’s completely my fault that we’re both miserable now.”
“When you were gone,” he started, “Kate and I got a lot closer. Your being gone made her confront a lot of her inner demons and it was rough. But she didn’t blame you.”
“But I blame myself. Nate, I—I think maybe this is just the way it’s supposed to be. No one deserves the shit I put them through. It’s just safer for me to be alone.”
“You can’t really believe that.”
I shrugged.
“Liz, I’ll tell you exactly what I told her. You’re a good person. You deserve to be happy, whatever that means to you.”
I nodded. “Thanks. But for right now, I’m honestly content to be miserable. At least it means I’m feeling something.”
He shook his head.
“Anyway, I should let you get back to work.”
He smiled. “Well, I’m glad you’re back.”
I shoved myself out of Kate’s chair and forced another smile—at least this one felt more genuine. “I am too.”
I made my way to my desk, pausing to say hi to a few more people before holing up with my headphones and keyboard.
It was easy to lose myself to my work—it had been my escape for the better part of a year and I was just falling right back into old habits. At lunch, Stephanie caught me up on her love life. She and her girlfriend had finally moved in together and things were going as well as she could possibly have hoped. I was happy for her, but at the same time, it made my own pain feel more isolating.
By the time the day was over, I was ready to head home, curl up with a glass of wine, and pretend to be happy. I was always good at pretending—it’s how I’d managed to make my marriage last as long as it had. I pretended to forget Katie and thus, almost succeeded. I pretended to be normal and almost lost myself.
◆◆◆
Back at the apartment, I found myself curled on my sofa, sitting in front of a blazing fire, bawling my eyes out. For the first time in years, I was truly alone and it terrified me. I’d thrown away every meaningful relationship I’d had and it was all I could do just to muddle through the day. I reached for my phone and tried to will myself to call someone—anyone—but my fingers didn’t move. Finally, the tears subsided and I felt myself sink into a pit of numbness.
I tossed my phone on the table and stared absently at the TV, watching without really seeing what was on the screen.
When my phone rang and I answered it without looking at the caller ID.
“Hey,” Em said brightly.
My mood improved a bit. “Hey, kid! What’s up?”
“I was just calling to see how your first day back was.”
I smiled, relieved Em was still my friend, regardless of what my relationship with her sister was.
“It was great.” It wasn’t a lie—being back at The Wire was wonderful, but it felt empty without Katie. “James already has my schedule overloaded. I think he’s trying to make up for lost time.”
Em laughed. “Well, he’s always been a bit of a slave driver. He used to double-book Kat on assignments when she first started. It took until her third month there for him to realize just how much she’d been doing.”
I blinked back tears at the thought of Katie in her office. Em read my mind.
“I’m sorry,” she said gently. “That was mean of me.”
“How is she?” I asked through the lump in my throat.
“And changing the subject,” Em said, not wanting to get more involved than she already was, “I’m going to be in Boston in a week for an interview. Can I crash at your place?”
I sighed. “Of course. Text me the details so I can make sure I’m home in time to let you in.”
She laughed. “I thought you lived in one of those fancy apartments with a digital lock and everything.”
“Haha. That was before I became a single lady.”
Em laughed. “Whatever. You’re happier now. I’ll shoot you a text with the info. Any chance you could pick me up at the bus station, too?”
I laughed and told her I’d see what my schedule was like…provided Em remembered to text me the details. Em was brilliant, but she wasn’t the best at remembering to take care of minor tasks.
She promised she would and hung up, leaving me alone again in my apartment. I tossed my phone back on the table and continued my TV watching until a new text lit up on my phone. Expecting Em, I picked it up and nearly dropped it again when I saw that it was from Katie.
I miss you.
My fingers flew over the keyboard. I miss you, too. Wanna talk about it? I typed and hit send quickly. It was a full five minutes before another text arrived.
I didn’t mean to send that.
But you do? I typed rapidly.
Do what?
Miss me.
…Yes.
I grinned. Then call me, I demanded.
Liz…
I sighed and dialed her number. “Fine, I’m calling you, then,” I said when she answered.
A weak giggle answered me. “Stubborn,” she teased. “It’s good to hear your voice.”
She sounded like she’d been crying not more than a minute before, voice rough and gravelly. I leaned back on the couch and did my best to ignore my pounding heart.
“How are you?”
She sniffled and sighed. “I’m okay, I guess. I mean, I’ve been worse, but…”
“But you’ve been better? Me too.”
She laughed, but fell into an awkward silence for a moment.
“Kat,” I whispered, “I’m so sorry. I want to make things better, but I don’t know how. All I know is that I miss you and that Boston doesn’t feel like home without you in it.”
“Lizzie,” she said gently. “Please don’t. I can’t—” her voice cracked. “I should go.”
“Wait,” I begged. “Kat, don’t hang up.” She sighed over the line. “What would it take for me to get you to come back?” I blurted out. I closed my eyes and waited, listing to every change in the silence on the other line.
Finally, “Please,” she cried. “I can’t keep doing this. I need you to move on.”
“Have you?” I asked, scared of the answer she would give me. Instead, all I got was silence.
“Goodbye, Lizzie,” she said softly, hanging up the phone and leaving me in tears on my sofa just as I had been every night since coming back.
Chapter 24
Em was waiting for me outside my door when I got home from work, duffle slung over her shoulder and sunglasses propped on the top of her head. She looked so much like Katie that my heart skipped a beat at first. She noticed my hesitation at the top of the stairs and raised an eyebrow.
“Sorry. You look a lot like your sister, you know that?”
Em chuckled. “Yeah, well, genetics…”
I opened the door and let her in first, following behind as I struggled to get my mind to catch up with what was going on around me. I’d been thinking about Kat all day and couldn’t stop thinking about her. I missed her more than I could express and Em knew it the minute she turned around.
“Hey,” she said gently. “You look like shit.”
“Gee, thanks.”
I went straight to the kitchen and poured a glass of wine. “Want anything?” I called into the living room.
“Beer me, Lizzie,” she shouted brightly. I pulled out one of the few remaining IPAs I’d been favoring lately, popped the top, and handed it to her.
She studied the label and sighed. “You really are getting sentimental, aren’t you?”
I groaned. When she’d asked to stay with me for a few days, I knew we’d end up talking about her sister, but I’d hoped it would wait until I was drunk or too tired to care. Ignoring her statement, I flopped on the couch and propped my feet up on the coffee table, not even bothering to take my shoes off.
“Tell me about this interview,” I insisted.
Em shook her head, but sat next to me and gave me the lowdown. The
position was entry-level, but it was with a reputable architectural firm in Boston. If she got the job, she thought she’d be able to work her way up to a promotion in a year. From there, she figured she’d move onto a bigger and better firm somewhere new…like Chicago or San Francisco.
We passed the rest of the afternoon catching up and enjoyed an extra-large pizza from the place down the block while watching mind-numbing television. By the time we’d stuffed ourselves, we were both a little tipsy and I finally felt ready to talk about Katie without breaking down in tears.
“I miss her,” I said softly. My fingers picked at the label on the beer bottle as I waited for Em to say something. It wasn’t really fair that I was talking about Katie with her, but she’d promised that she was my friend. And I was in short supply of those.
“I know.”
I was afraid to look at her for fear of the judgment that would should have been etched on her face.
“Is she okay?”
Em closed her eyes and sighed. “She has good days and bad. She’s not using anymore—thank God.”
“That’s great,” I said earnestly. “Is she seeing anyone?” The question burst out of my mouth before I could regain my filter. My hand flew to my mouth as I pressed my lips together to keep more desperate questions from bubbling to the surface.
Em’s lips turned upward as she shook her head. “To be honest, I’m surprised she didn’t get back together with you in New York.” The buzzing in her pocket pulled her attention away before she could elaborate.
I looked away as she answered it and headed to the kitchen for some privacy. Even without asking, I knew it was Katie on the other line. Em stayed in the kitchen for what felt like an eternity before finally hanging up after practically shouting ‘ask her yourself,’ into the receiver. She came back and flopped on the couch, leaving her phone on top of the duffel on the floor.
“Kat?” I asked unnecessarily.
She grimaced. “Yeah.”
“Everything all right?”
Em sighed and stared at the ceiling, wondering what to say. “Just the usual bullshit,” she whispered.
“Was she asking about why you stayed with me?”
Em sighed. “Yep.” She rubbed at her eyes, clearly tired. “I’m glad I’m still friends with you, but being stuck in the middle between my friend and my sister blows.”
“I’m sorry, kid,” I said as genuinely as I could. Em was one of the most important people in my life at the moment and I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without her friendship. But I also knew it was taking a major toll on both her emotional state and her sanity. I resolved not to ask about Kat again…at least for the few days she was here.
She shrugged.
“What time is your interview?”
“10:30 tomorrow morning.” She glanced at her watch. “Fuck. We should go to bed. It’s past 1 a.m.”
She shoved herself up and headed into the bathroom without a word. I quickly shoved the leftovers in the fridge, picked up the glasses on the table, and headed to my bedroom. Before Em was done, I pulled down a couple blankets and pillows and left them for her on the couch. Even with the heat cranked up, the fall weather was quickly turning my apartment into a refrigerator. By the time she emerged from the bathroom, I was already in a nightshirt and sweatpants ready to crawl into bed myself.
“Goodnight, Em,” I said from the doorway.
She smiled sadly. “Goodnight.” She paused for a second and turned back to look at me. “I really wish it wasn’t like this.”
“Like what?”
“I wish you and Kat had worked out. You’re her person, even if she doesn’t want to see it.”
Tears stung my eyes as I nodded. “Sleep well.” The words were barely a whisper, but they were all I could manage as I shut my door and sank to the ground. I’d done everything I could—divorced my husband, moved home to Boston, and tried to win her back, but it was too late. Even if I was the person Katie wanted, I’d made so many mistakes. It would be unfair to expect her to forgive me.
That’s when it hit me—I wasn’t an emotional wreck. For the first time in ages, I felt like I should cry, but I didn’t want to. My emotions had become a habit, but the habit seemed to finally be broken. I was numb—finally on the way to getting over her. The realization was enough to get me off the floor and under the covers where sleep came quickly.
I drove Em to her interview and lingered nearby. I was anxious to find out how it went—it would be nice having her in Boston and if the interview went well, I wanted to be the first to celebrate her success. It lasted well over an hour and a half, which turned out to be a good thing.
Em skipped out of the building with a new spring in her step as I offered her a coffee I’d picked up down the block.
“That looks promising,” I said, laughing at her excitement.
She grinned, took the proffered coffee and took a long sip. “I start in two weeks. It took so long because they had me sign paperwork already. We’re good to go. I just have to find an apartment I can afford on my now rather sizeable salary,” she jibed.
Architecture…she’d be making more than me and Katie combined and she had almost no experience.
“Congratulations, Em! That’s fantastic!” I said, pulling her into a hug. “It’ll be great having you in the city.”
She nodded and jumped simultaneously as her phone buzzed in her pocket. “Hang on. Let me update Katie.”
She took the call and gave her sister the details. I could hear the happy squeal over the line from several feet away and it made both of us laugh. As the conversation wound down, she glanced at me nervously.
“Okay,” she said, clearly conflicted. “I’ll check.” She put her hand over the speaker and shrugged. “She wants to talk to you. Is that okay?”
My heart slammed against my chest. “Yeah, of course.” I took the phone and tried to catch my breath. “Hey,” I said coolly.
“Thanks for helping Em,” she said tightly.
I blinked rapidly. “Anytime. Your kid sister is a pretty cool person, Kat.” Em rolled her eyes, but smiled at the compliment.
“So, how are…things?” I asked, desperate to continue the conversation.
She sighed. “I’m…getting by. How is everyone at work?” She was keeping things as impersonal as possible.
“They’re fine. Nate misses you though. James still hasn’t found your replacement and all the freelancers we’ve worked with refuse to be tied down to a single employer. You might think about coming back,” I said, unable to hide the hope in my voice.
Before she could respond, I quickly changed direction. “Here’s Em,” I practically shouted, and handed Emily the phone to wrap up the call.
My heart was still racing and my knees practically knocked together as I stood, leaning against the building for support. Em took a few more minutes to quietly answer Katie’s questions before hanging up and coming over to me.
“That went well,” she said dryly.
I swallowed the bitchy response that sat at the tip of my tongue. “I don’t know what to say to her anymore.”
She arched a brow and stared at me. “Other than that you want her back and still haven’t moved on?” She leaned back against the sandstone bricks with me. “She asked if you were still single.”
I was mortified. “What did you say?”
“That it was none of her business. And if she wanted to find out, she could come to Boston and talk to you herself. She’s being stupid and I’m tired of being caught in the middle. So, I’m done. If she wants to talk to you, she has to talk to you, not me.”
I stared in disbelief.
“You’re my friend. That comes with the expectation of a bit of privacy and the promise that I won’t repeat everything you tell me to my sister.” She took a deep breath. “But, now that we’re on the topic…spill! Are you seeing anyone?”
I laughed and started walking back to the car. “You’ll be the first to know,” I promised. I may
have lost the love of my life, but at least I had a friend.
Chapter 25
Em moved a week later and I was, of course recruited to help her unload the moving truck. Naturally, I dragged Stephanie along to help. She’d gone through yet another breakup and needed the distraction. Besides, she owed me after I’d helped her move out of her girlfriend’s apartment. We were waiting outside the apartment just as the truck pulled up and Em jumped out of the passenger seat. If she was in the passenger seat, that meant—
My breath caught in my chest as Katie opened the driver’s door and slid out. She looked great—happy. And it quite literally took my breath away.
Stephanie practically growled. “Do I really have to be here?” she hissed.
I shrugged. “What else are you going to do?”
She scoffed. “Not listen to Kate Masterson tell me how I’m doing everything wrong. I’ll catch you later. Call me tonight so I know you’re alive.” She stomped off, leaving me alone with the Masterson sisters.
Kate watched Stephanie disappear down the block, hands tucked in her back pockets. “She left because of me, didn’t she.” I nodded without saying anything and she sighed. “I guess you’re leaving, too, huh?”
I shrugged. “I’m here for Em. And I’m pretty sure I can be mature enough to put our differences aside at least for one afternoon.” I forced a smile. “Want to call a truce?”
She grinned. Katie stuck out her hand and I took it. “Deal.”
Em had already opened the back of the truck and pulled down the loading ramp. “Great. You’re friends now. Care to help me get this stuff out of the truck before I get a ticket, please?”
I laughed and jogged over, ready to get to work. Katie hovered on the sidewalk, a conflicted look on her face as she watched me and Em struggle with a couch that weighed far more than it should have.
“A little help would be nice,” I shouted. Katie took a deep breath and headed over.
The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. We managed to unload the truck just in time to avoid the parking citation and Katie was tasked with returning the truck since she was more comfortable driving it. I followed behind in my Vanagon to give her a lift back to the apartment.
