I have the pleasure to hear that my mother is already better. A colickydisorder, to which she is too subject. It is hoped it is gone off--Godsend it may!--Every evil that happens in this house is owing to me!
This good news was told me, with a circumstance very unacceptable; forBetty said, she had orders to let me know, that my garden-walks andpoultry-visits were suspected; and that both will be prohibited, if Istay here till Saturday or Monday.
Possibly this is said by order, to make me go with less reluctance to myuncle's.
My mother bid her say, if I expostulated about these orders, and aboutmy pen and ink, 'that reading was more to the purpose, at present, thanwriting: that by the one, I might be taught my duty; that the other,considering whom I was believed to write to, only stiffened my will:that my needle-works had better be pursued than my airings; which wereobserved to be taken in all weathers.'
So, my dear, if I do not resolve upon something soon, I shall neither beable to avoid the intended evil, nor have it in my power to correspondwith you.
*****
WEDNESDAY NIGHT.
All is in a hurry below-stairs. Betty is in and out like a spy.Something is working, I know not what. I am really a good dealdisordered in body as well as in mind. Indeed I am quite heart-sick.
I will go down, though 'tis almost dark, on pretence of getting a littleair and composure. Robert has my two former, I hope, before now: andI will deposit this, with Lovelace's enclosed, if I can, for fear ofanother search.
I know not what I shall do!--All is so strangely busy!--Doors claptto--going out of one apartment, hurryingly, as I may say, into another.Betty in her alarming way, staring, as if of frighted importance; twicewith me in half an hour; called down in haste by Shorey the last time;leaving me with still more meaning in her looks and gestures--yetpossibly nothing in all this worthy of my apprehensions--
Here again comes the creature, with her deep-drawn affected sighs, andher O dear's! O dear's!
*****
More dark hints thrown out by the saucy creature. But she will notexplain herself. 'Suppose this pretty business ends in murder! she says.I may rue my opposition as long as I live, for aught she knows. Parentswill not be baffled out of their children by imprudent gentlemen; nor isit fit they should. It may come home to me when I least expect it.'
These are the gloomy and perplexing hints this impertinent throwsout. Probably they arose from the information Mr. Lovelace says he hassecretly permitted them to have (from this vile double-faced agent, Isuppose!) of his resolution to prevent my being carried to my uncle's.
How justly, if so, may this exasperate them!--How am I driven to andfro, like a feather in the wind, at the pleasure of the rash, theselfish, the headstrong! and when I am as averse to the proceedings ofthe one, as I am to those of the other! For although I was induced tocarry on this unhappy correspondence, as I think I ought to call it, inhopes to prevent mischief; yet indiscreet measures are fallen upon bythe rash man, before I, who am so much concerned in the event of thepresent contentions, can be consulted: and between his violence on onehand, and that of my relations on the other, I find myself in dangerfrom both.
O my dear! what is worldly wisdom but the height of folly!--I, themeanest, at least youngest, of my father's family, to thrust myselfin the gap between such uncontroulable spirits!--To the interceptingperhaps of the designs of Providence, which may intend to make thosehostile spirits their own punishers.--If so, what presumption!--Indeed,my dear friend, I am afraid I have thought myself of too muchconsequence. But, however this be, it is good, when calamities befal us,that we should look into ourselves, and fear.
If I am prevented depositing this and the enclosed, (as I intend to tryto do, late as it is,) I will add to it as occasion shall offer. Meantime, believe me to be
Your ever-affectionate and grateful CL. HARLOWE.
Under the superscription, written with a pencil, after she went down.
'My two former are not yet taken away--I am surprised--I hope you arewell--I hope all is right betwixt your mother and you.'
Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady — Volume 2 Page 39
